ex wife has arranged 'family'day out - should i feel annoyed?

[tggirl]

Bit of background- my partner and I have been together for 4 and a half years, I have 2 children in their late teens he has a son who is turning 6. Son lives with partner's ex wife and her boyfriend and he stays with us every other weekend.

It's his 6th birthday next month and as he is into lego we thought for his birthday treat we'd take him to Legoland the weekend before his birthday which is when he's with us. We've got the tickets several months ago and all is good.

Several weeks ago ex asked my partner if he'd give her a hand with the birthday party for a few hours, she was going to book a local activity centre for about 10 children and as her partner was away that weekend she needed help, this seemed a reasonable request so he agreed and I didn't mind. A few days later she texted to say son didn't want a party he wanted to go to Chessington instead and wanted Daddy to come as well. I wasn't happy with this plan and said so to my partner who said he think about it before replying

Fast forward to the other day when partner informs me he is going to Chessington with ex and son. I explained I wasn't happy and he should have discussed it with me before making the decision, after all he is spending the day with son prior to his birthday and son could have one to one special time with Mum the following week. Partner isn't happy about that as he said son specifically wanted him to spend the day with him and mummy and he didn't want to let him down.

Am I bad for thinking this is unacceptable on several counts or is this what other people do with their exs and children. I would never have considered this when my children were smaller. I am so annoyed with the ex wife as im sure she is playing some sort of game.

Please let me know what you think and if i should go cap in hand and apologise to my partner for being so cross about this.

No, really - you sound super-stressed.

Because I disagree with you about something, I can't care if you're not ok?

Look without dragging other threads into this i know monkeys has some issues going on with her DP so yes it is possible she is a bit stressed and maybe projecting a bit. I dont wish to speak for her so apologies if im out of line monkeys i just know youve had a bit of a time of it.

Oh ok, there's a backstory?

Sorry to hear that.

I don't know what you mean.

I've been struggling to follow this since 'we'll have fucked off by Oct' and 'might see DGP' TBH.

I dont think arsenic was antagonising you monkeys. You are coming across as stressed, i have a fair idea why, but others may not have seen you previous threads. She is just asking. Lower the defences a bit and

Oh right, I see. Sorry to hear that.

3 monkeys - so if you are "fucking" off in October for your DSDs birthday does that include her father? ( your words not mine)

Is her father going to be around for her birthday and missing the holiday - as has been planned from your other thread.

Is he is doing the holiday and then going back to see his DD on her birthday, as suggested on your other thread, as you are not going that far way from home?
Is she coming with you and has mum agreed to being away for her 10th birthday?

If your DP is going on holiday with you and your 3 DCs and ignoring his DDs birthday, then ................

I take mine out individually. Not all the time but I do make at least 1 or 2 days out

Of course DPs spend time with DCs alone - the doctor, the dentist, the sport they do but other DCs don't, but a special day out to an expensive Adventure Park? - nooooo way, and who would watch other DCs. Just a way to cause jealousy imv.

We took our second child on a 4 day camping trip. Her sister was on a school trip, and less keen on camping than us 3 and so we took advantage of the chance to go deeper in the woods than would have been fun with her

But the relevant part is 'her sister was on a school trip and less keen on camping' - so how on earth does that compare taking one DC on its own to the Adventure park? answer - it doesn't.

We used to live near to Chessington, v expensive, but I never took a single child, in fact I always took the DCs friends/friend as it is that sort of place. They need someone to play on the rides with and DPs are a bit past that.
And standing around waiting on DCS as they run from ride to ride is V boring, hence I think the request for DP might just be the DM looking for some company, or help should the small DS get lost. And all this debate not relevant.

Haven't R all TT but enough to know it's gone off on a bit of a tangent!

But I just wanted to say that I don't necessarily think the OP is BU.

This is such a classic example of the thanklessness of being a step parent.

You're supposed to 'treat them as your own' ie make them feel part of your family with all the sacrifices and compromises that entails. But the boy having 'family time' with his parents on his birthday is a really pointed way of highlighting that the OP isn't 'family'. She is family only when it suits one or both of the boy's parents (eg doing the shit work of child rearing) but she's excluded from special days out.

And while that's obviously not a deliberate move on the boy's part, it's not unreasonable for the OP to feel hurt at the exclusion.

When you're a step parent you find yourself bending to fit the weird and unnatural dynamic of the parents and the SDC. Intentionally or not, everything revolves around that dynamic and the feelings of the step parent are disregarded because 'it's not about them'.

But how can it not be a bit about them? The feelings of the step parent count. It's not nice to say that the person involved in bringing up that child isn't entitled to have their feelings heard.

3 cheeky - I hope it gives you some space and time to think what you want for yourself and your DCs.

When you're a step parent you find yourself bending to fit the weird and unnatural dynamic of the parents and the SDC. Intentionally or not, everything revolves around that dynamic and the feelings of the step parent are disregarded because 'it's not about them'.

This is so concisely put. I can't think of any other relationship dynamic which brings three adults together with a mutual goal (the wellbeing of a child or children) and yet one of the three has absolutely no influence.

A stepparent is expected to do "what is best for the child" in the opinion of the parents. The stepparent cannot "do their own thing" in the same way as, for instance, an aunt or grandparent who has day to day care can. The stepparent can't "opt out" but yet cannot have an opinion. By virtue of their partnership with one of the DCs parents, they commit to setting their own values aside and contributing to the child's life in whatever way the parents believe is required.

My grown up DSC have, on occasions, arranged birthday/father's day outings/activities for DH, which plainly do not include me, I've been in their lives for many, many years, and we get on tolerably well. When it first started happening, meal and drink out with just dad and his kids, I was hurt and didn't understand it, because my DC would never exclude DH from any celebration with me, ever!! However, over the years I have found life easier if I disengaged to a certain extent, so now if they want dad to spend time with them, I actively distance myself from the situation...not always, but often enough for it not to make things awkward for anyone! Still find it a bit challenging, but just put it out of my mind!

Can we have some perspective please, it's one day at a theme park.

Also, if being a step parent is so terrible, there is a very simple solution - do not enter into a romantic relationship with someone who has children.

Being a step parent is a choice, not some hideous prophecy assigned at birth.

When I met my DH his DC were well into teens, as were mine, in the beginning I didn't think it would ever present problems....but naturally there have been many trials and tribulations along the years. My main gripe is being presented with decisions, which involve my time and effort, but in which I have had no say or input! It's usually about something DH knows I don't like/want/approve of, so it usually goes like this....'oh sweetheart we're going to do such and such tomorrow, with DC', or 'DC needs money for this/that, so I've given them £???'! I have had no part in reaching these decisions so, if I really don't want to do/go whatever, I say 'fine, enjoy yourself!' The asking for money is a constant thorn in my side however, and I can't ever see that changing!!!
Finally, I have a damn good life in general, and a very loved husband many would envy....but still I think, 'I wonder...if I'd had that crystal ball?!!'

Also, if being a step parent is so terrible, there is a very simple solution - do not enter into a romantic relationship with someone who has children.

You are not allowed to say that on here

Being a SP is hard and you are faced with a lot of difficulties that parents don't face as Peruv said. However they can be overcome.

As a SP I didn't take an active role in parenting my DSS's. I didn't do the bulk of the parenting and I didn't reprimand them. I didn't buy their clothes or arrange their day trips/holidays. I didn't babysit unless I wanted to. I left that to their parents.
I did offer my pov on certain things ( to DH) but I never expected him to take it or do as I said, I just offered a different perspective. The same as when family members offer me advice I chose to listen or not, they never forced it on me.

I never put myself in that parenting role and I didn't allow my DH to either that way I never felt left out/not listened/treated like a parent when it suited. I have never suffered the angst of being a SP.

I did however care for them and kept them safe. I listened when they spoke and offered advice when they asked. I kept clear boundaries and that worked for me. They are adults now and even though I split with their dad to them I am still their SM and we have a good relationship and still spend time together.

If you don't want to have the part time parent only when it suits them role then don't take it on.

Wdig Your post shows exactly the same contradiction that so many posts in this board do, your dh is apparently wonderful, yet is the one always presenting you with decisions you don't like.

Ipity, I know exactly how it sounds....very contradictorial! But that's exactly how it is! DH and EXW split when DC were very young, and he has never really got over the guilt that he'd let the DC down, which I understand is what makes him so 'disneydadish'. I can't say I appreciate the times when I've been presented with fete a complies, but I do understand his motives...and I know he's pulled with guilt on both sides. In every other way, he is a 'wonderful husband', and is always doing things to make my life good, what's more he is a fantastic SF to my (grown) children who care deeply for him. So, as time has gone on (many years), I've distanced myself from the involvement I'd expected to have with his DC, but not to the point where things get awkward...a fine balancing act! Also, as I'm now of a certain age I tend say what I think more and act upon it, so there are less 'surprises' in life!! But in the beginning, if I could have looked at life down the first 10 years or so, I may have run for the hills!

OP, I've only just seen this thread, and I sure as heck won't be reading nine pages of it.
I have an adult dd. Her father had two further wives, after our divorce. He was never there on her birthday.
I have a broken child. This is what you are wishing on your partner's six year old.
The 'game' his ex is playing is called 'Helping my child to grow up happy and healthy'.
The game you are playing is called 'Its my partner and you can't have him, even though you're only six, even though he's your dad, and even though its only for one day'.
My perspective is, of course, influenced by my experience. But you sound pretty heartless and perhaps that's not what you want to be. Perhaps you just feel threatened.
Its normal, natural, nice and good for a child to want to have both parents present at his birthday treat. Ask your partner to take lots of photos and to bring you a stick of rock and let him get on with being a good dad.