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Original poster

What to do with exW?

202 replies

BuildingBlocks9 · 09/05/2015 09:15

I have been with my DP for the almost 2 years and I have recently given birth to our DD. DP has a DD (almost 3) from his previous marriage – the relationship broke down when his DD was 1,he moved and divorce was granted in Jan 2015.I met his DD in Feb this year (taking her to restaurant and park couple of times).He has not told his exW about having a new partner and a baby (told her 4 days before birth).She is a very argumentative woman and we were worried that it may impact on my pregnancy and new baby.Now she is taking him to court that at the last hearing for custody (back in Feb 2015) he had not revealed the info about new partner nor my pregnancy, that he had not disclosed it and the shared residency order should be cancelled.We knew that once she know about me and our DD she might flip out. For the sake of his DD he lives in a rented accommodation (as he has EOW and couple of overnights per week), in a years time we are thinking about living together full time (moving to a larger place that his DD has her own bedroom). He brings his DD to spend time with us, we organise outings as a family,we understand that she needs to accept me and her DB slowly.
How can I help my DP? Shall I get involved or take step back?

OP posts:
addstudentdinners2 · 09/05/2015 16:18

Oh god, I'm coming to this late and I imagine it's already been said but it makes me despair when women buy this 'my ex is mad, she reported me for DV, can you believe it!'

Let me tell you a little story OP. When I was eighteen I found a lovely boyfriend. Few years older, calm, caring. Total gentleman. He had a kid with his ex but the stupid bitch wouldn't let him see said kid. She had been horrible to him. She had even lied to the police saying he had hit her, could I believe that? I couldn't. I felt terrible for him. We moved in together. We got engaged.

A year on, I was shoved up against the wall while he swore and spat in my face. Took me years to get the fuck away from the bastard.

Moral of the story: don't trust any man who bad mouths his ex. I hope you don't have to learn this the hard way but I'm not holding out much hope. Good luck.

Quesera21 · 09/05/2015 16:54

It is rare on any topic on any forum, to find such overwhelming condemnation and agreement.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 09/05/2015 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OneEyedWilly · 09/05/2015 17:50

Just finished reading the full thread. OP, I too am stunned at your arrogance and naivety. There are always 2 sides to every story - your DP is not perfect and his exW is not some one-dimensional panto baddy who made his life hell. They got married and had a DD together - she cannot be all bad. He cheated on her and has lied about your existence for 2 years - he is NOT all good.

Unfortunately I can see that you have steadfastly ignored or actively disagreed with every bit of good advice that has been given to you and you're not likely to start listening now.

Good luck to you, but more so to his exW!

Gabilan · 09/05/2015 23:00

"DD with his exW was not planned ... We have not planned to get pregnant so quickly"

Not very good with birth control, is he?

"His exW is a controlling b*."

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you haven't met her, have you? So all you know about her is from him, and you think she's controlling?

One of my ex bfs used to tell me about ex gfs who were deeply unreasonable. When we were going out together I felt sorry for him having had such a bad run of luck. By the time we split up I could see exactly what he'd done to his previous girlfriends and why they were so angry.

It's not exactly romantic but sometimes when hearing about someone's exes, it's a good idea to think "I'm the next potential ex. Is that how he's going to talk about me?"

TheFormidableMrsC · 06/06/2015 17:26

I happened up on this thread today. I literally cannot believe what I am reading. I know it's not been posted on for a month or so, but wow. OP, your contempt for the ex wife and her child is breathtaking. I feel so desperately sorry for the children involved in this. Innocent and likely to be damaged by the selfish behaviour of two adults who should have known better.

Quesera21 · 06/06/2015 18:19

You had an affair with a married man, who had a young baby. He was not happy - no shit. Most marriages on the arrival of a baby undergo some major restructuring and compromise.

He has spent the last 2 yrs going to court to get access. Darling, if it had been straight forward the judge would have sorted this out ages ago. He has lied, to her, you, his daughter, the courts etc etc etc etc etc.

You were desperate for a baby...........

You are not listening to the advice you are being given on this forum, by some very experienced step mums, second wives, first wives whose DH had an affair and left with the OW - the knowledge and experience on this board is overwhleming - for you and your child - listen.

The EX is not a major problem - your new DP is.

Wdigin2this · 07/06/2015 11:54

Blocks, you came on this site for advice, so presumably you needed it! You've been given advice, be careful!!

ItsRainingInBaltimore · 07/06/2015 12:30

Is he from a non-EU country where in order to be allowed to stay in the UK indefinitely his best option was to get some British woman knocked up as soon as possible so he could claim a right to a family life when immigration came knocking?

You said earlier in the thread that apart from the EOWs and the two overnights per week when he has his DD at his house, he spends all other nights and all the days with you. Are you sure he has a job? Confused

Romeyroo · 07/06/2015 19:02

Oh, I thought this was just me this happened to - I found out that xH (DD's dad) had a baby with OW when DD was three and the baby was one - he managed not to tell me for all that time as he thought I would flip out. I flipped out at DD being excluded from his life, but it did explain why she had never been to his house Hmm

Honestly, what is with these men? Goodness only knows what story xH fed the OW (DD was a baby when he left me for her); how do you accept that your partner just doesn't mention to the exW that you are living together and have a baby (in his case, this must have been for at least two years)? She had never actually met me.

You honestly need to be grown up about this situation - I have not read the whole thread yet (not sure I want to), but the priority here is the children. DD has two half-siblings now and she has been part of their lives since I found out, and has known the second baby from birth.

ClareAbshire · 07/06/2015 19:20

I think you sound naive OP and it's not your fault that you are thinking the best of him but I worry that your got a rude awakening coming your way.

msgrinch · 09/06/2015 11:55

The only grown up in this situation is the exwife. good on her for taking the Lyng cock back to court, hopefully it goes in her favour and he dd is kept well away from thus train wreck you've created op.

Quesera21 · 09/06/2015 22:45

sounds like your DP needs to learn about contraception or at least tie a knot in it.

VertigoNun · 25/03/2016 23:07
Shock
LifeCrossRoad · 25/03/2016 23:10

Sadly this means that you're telling the truth on your other thread?

GooseberryRoolz · 25/03/2016 23:11

So that was 10 months ago.

What happened to the marriage plans?

ElderlyKoreanLady · 25/03/2016 23:16

So OP what happened between this thread and your thread from today that's stopped you wanting to marry this man?

Is it the fact that he was voluntarily going to give up his career despite the fact that he'd no longer be legally obligated to provide for his eldest child if he did so?

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 26/03/2016 09:34
Sad
Castasunder · 26/03/2016 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 26/03/2016 09:57

Here, sadly

swingofthings · 26/03/2016 10:02

DocHollywood -exactly! She still remains bitter and goes on and on about the past. She is jealous that he has move on and has settled.She cannot move on and still has unfinished business with DP.Maybe she is still hoping that they will get back together...

I think you and more importantly your OH need to accept some responsibility over the way she is reacting. He lied, cheated, lied more, deceived her. You were happy to have an affair with a married men and get pregnant as soon as possible (to make sure he stayed with you rather than go back to his wife?).

When you make such choices, it rarely comes without trouble and stress. That's the choice he and you made.

The question you asked is? Should you get involved or take a step back? Do you really need to ask this question? I would have thought the response was obvious.

Stay away from it all. The only thing that will it all better is time, but a lot more than what has elapsed so far considering the further deceiving that has taken place since your OH left his wife. The more you step away from it all, the quicker the time when she decides to turn the page will come. Get involved and her fury will only increase.

amarmai · 28/03/2016 13:02

he is a man who likes to keep secrets from women as it makes him feel powerful and in control. Beware.

NaiceVillageOfTheDammed · 11/04/2016 05:15

The other thread's been suspended.

You couldn't make this stuff up. Or could you...

MsMommie · 11/04/2016 05:55

The OP is a twat.
Leave her to it

Groovee · 11/04/2016 06:49

Would you want some unknown woman playing happy families with your own Dd? It wouldn't take much to meet your partner's daughter's mother to give her peace of mind about this woman who is now part of her child's life!