Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

What to do with exW?

202 replies

BuildingBlocks9 · 09/05/2015 09:15

I have been with my DP for the almost 2 years and I have recently given birth to our DD. DP has a DD (almost 3) from his previous marriage – the relationship broke down when his DD was 1,he moved and divorce was granted in Jan 2015.I met his DD in Feb this year (taking her to restaurant and park couple of times).He has not told his exW about having a new partner and a baby (told her 4 days before birth).She is a very argumentative woman and we were worried that it may impact on my pregnancy and new baby.Now she is taking him to court that at the last hearing for custody (back in Feb 2015) he had not revealed the info about new partner nor my pregnancy, that he had not disclosed it and the shared residency order should be cancelled.We knew that once she know about me and our DD she might flip out. For the sake of his DD he lives in a rented accommodation (as he has EOW and couple of overnights per week), in a years time we are thinking about living together full time (moving to a larger place that his DD has her own bedroom). He brings his DD to spend time with us, we organise outings as a family,we understand that she needs to accept me and her DB slowly.
How can I help my DP? Shall I get involved or take step back?

OP posts:
OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 09/05/2015 10:53

You wrote db. Not dd or ds.

Original poster
BuildingBlocks9 · 09/05/2015 10:56

Momagain you are so wrong.If he was a liar would he get access to his DD thru courts.Would his exW allow him to have DD overnight?I do not think so.
His extended family is not on speaking terms with his exW

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 09/05/2015 10:58

If he was a liar would he get access to his DD thru courts.Would his exW allow him to have DD overnight?I do not think so.

You are sadly mistaken and hopelessly naive.

AGirlCalledBoB · 09/05/2015 11:00

He is a liar! He lied for two years about his partner and his new child!

I would seriously be considering taking away overnight access as well! Your partner lied the whole 2 years and denied his ex partner the chance to know what was going on with her child. You don't just introduce a 3 year old to a new stepmother and sister without saying sod all to her mother. He is going to get a bollocking from the courts and I would not be surprised if they side with her mother. He showed no concern for this little girl who now has to take all of this in.

I would be absolutely furious and my trust in her father would decrease dramatically, it would. I can 100% understand where she is coming from and I think a lot of people will.

butterflyballs · 09/05/2015 11:02

Stop attacking the ex. Imagine how you'd feel if you were married, went through the divorce and residency hearing two years later and then found out that there was another woman and a new,baby who you knew nothing about.

Your dp has lied to the court through omission and she has the right to go back to court to have this information taken into account and a new judgement reached which takes account of this information.

I'd go and meet the ex. Your dp is doing his utmost to keep you apart, why? What's he hiding?

I don't exactly have a "best mates" thing going on with my dps ex but I can talk to her if needed, we've met several times, had a coffee etc. I wouldn't choose to spend time with her but I'm adult enough to have done so when it's beenbeen required for the sake of my dsd.

Maybe83 · 09/05/2015 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SavoyCabbage · 09/05/2015 11:03

I think momagain is right. He's compartmentalised his life for his own benefit.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 09/05/2015 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoupDragon · 09/05/2015 11:05

OP, what do you want from this thread? People have given you opinions based on what you have said and Skedaddle but you are doing the Internet equivalent of putting a bag on her head, your fingers in your ears and singing "la la la la la I'm not listening" at the top of your voice.

Momagain1 · 09/05/2015 11:05

building his current access to DD is based on the lie of you not existing.

That's why you have the current problem with access veing questioned: because he LIED.

SavoyCabbage · 09/05/2015 11:06

And I would be furious if my two year old was dragged into his lies. And even more furious if I couldn't prepare her for the new baby.

Your boyfriend sounds very self serving.

Whiskwarrior · 09/05/2015 11:09

Just to point out that I don't think people here are going to agree with OP about the ex-wife being a bitch (and they aren't), but I think that's what she wants.

Her head is firmly buried in the sand ovr this issue. Ex-wife is a bitch and DP is perfect.

To be honest, we are wasting our time on this OP. She is not interested in hearing truth, experience from other posters or helpful advice.

I despair.

Original poster
BuildingBlocks9 · 09/05/2015 11:11

Children will always be fine - his DD will be 3 in 3 months time.We told her that I am her F friend and she is getting used to idea of having half DS.
His family is very conservative and they did not have a chance to meet me yet.It also came a bit of a shock to them.

OP posts:
KarmaNoMore · 09/05/2015 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Reginafalangie · 09/05/2015 11:12

Wow this thread has it all Shock

OP is not going to listen as she sees nothing wrong with how they have conducted themselves.

The exw has every right to go ballistic and she has every right to take him back to court.

You are an idiot if you believe this man and the DV should have you running for the hills.

I would start planning for your future because your relationship will not last long given his track record.

Oh and no you are not more mature than his ex you sound young and very childish.

fuzzywuzzy · 09/05/2015 11:13

ex did this, he married and had a baby with OW very shortly into divorce proceedings with me. OW even wrote to court stating twatface DV was 50% my fault.

Twatface has no contact with DC.

OW is totally welcome to ex, presumably when he screws around on her & starts beating the shit out of her (aiming a running kick at her heavily pregnant belly, whilst she's sitting on the floor feeding her 17 month toddler, comes to mind), she'll cuddle him and go aww it's 50% my fault I've driven him to it....

OP, think very carefully before you let this man full time into your life, you're isolated here and you're ignoring all the warning signs about this man.

PeruvianFoodLover · 09/05/2015 11:14

My DM stays with me and helps out with DD and I am returning to work in July.

I'm pleased you've got family support around you - the life you have chosen for you and your LO is likely to be turbulent and difficult.

What does your mum think of the situation, OP?

Original poster
BuildingBlocks9 · 09/05/2015 11:15

I am not going to get involved in the whole situation - it is what it is.I am not going to meet her-just for exW to vent on me.Maybe in 2-3 years time when time is right.Once she meets once she would like to meet more and more,I believe just to give her voice and opinion about our parenting skills, treatment of their DD etc.
I have a new family now with DP and DD and should be concentrating on them.I am leaving exW issues to DP

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 09/05/2015 11:17

His family is very conservative and they did not have a chance to meet me yet.It also came a bit of a shock to them.

LOLOL. you've been together nearly two years, had a baby together and he hasn't managed to introduce you to his family yet? Does that not tell you anything?

Whiskwarrior · 09/05/2015 11:19

Now you're both lying to his DD too? You have a baby together, that you have told his DD is her brother but you are just DD's Father's friend?

Are you trying to screw up her head for the future?

If I were the ex-wife I would be taking you to court for emotional damage!

And yet, he's not a liar Hmm

You're both liars. And horrible people. You deserve each other. That poor little girl does not deserve either of you.

But you'll ignore this post, just like you've ignored me since I pointed out the potential reality of the DV against his ex-wife.

Momagain1 · 09/05/2015 11:19

3cheeky: an inlaw in the sense that if there are children, their other parent is a permanent presence and always will be, just like an inlaw. As with inlaws, the relationship can vary from friendly, to strictly cooperative, to aggressive and challenging and down the line to virtually NC. Even if NC is managed the possibility of contact being imposed via adult children's milestones is always there.

I'd go and meet the ex. Your dp is doing his utmost to keep you apart, why? What's he hiding?

Who wants to lay bets he has a whole series of XP and children 2-4 years apart in age?

Original poster
BuildingBlocks9 · 09/05/2015 11:20

Peruvian - my DM supports us and agrees that not living full time for now is a good decision. We are travelling to my home home country in Sep and DP will meet my family

OP posts:
KarmaNoMore · 09/05/2015 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whiskwarrior · 09/05/2015 11:22

If my kids were spending EOW with someone who refused to meet me for 2-3 years, they wouldn't be spending time with that person anymore.

Original poster
BuildingBlocks9 · 09/05/2015 11:25

Whish - we have DD together not a DS. And DP DD knows that is is DS.I made a mistake in my OP

OP posts: