What to do with exW?

[BuildingBlocks9]

I have been with my DP for the almost 2 years and I have recently given birth to our DD. DP has a DD (almost 3) from his previous marriage – the relationship broke down when his DD was 1,he moved and divorce was granted in Jan 2015.I met his DD in Feb this year (taking her to restaurant and park couple of times).He has not told his exW about having a new partner and a baby (told her 4 days before birth).She is a very argumentative woman and we were worried that it may impact on my pregnancy and new baby.Now she is taking him to court that at the last hearing for custody (back in Feb 2015) he had not revealed the info about new partner nor my pregnancy, that he had not disclosed it and the shared residency order should be cancelled.We knew that once she know about me and our DD she might flip out. For the sake of his DD he lives in a rented accommodation (as he has EOW and couple of overnights per week), in a years time we are thinking about living together full time (moving to a larger place that his DD has her own bedroom). He brings his DD to spend time with us, we organise outings as a family,we understand that she needs to accept me and her DB slowly.
How can I help my DP? Shall I get involved or take step back?

[TSSDNCOP]

soup you're going to need Tory voter too for a full house.

Can't be arsed to reply to the OP.

[BuildingBlocks9]

We will need to rent out bigger place when we move in together for his DD to her own room, DSD will still be staying with us overnight.We will still need to get clothes for her,feed,organize outings and possibly take on holiday with us.DP can settle an agreement with exW in terms of maintenance.Maybe I will consider working 3 days per week for him to work 2 days.Or we will employ childcare for our DD.We still are not sure but initially we are thinking for him to be full time dad and me working as I am on a higher salary than he is

[Oswin]

Yes but he still needs to pay maintenance. Fgs. So he swans off with another woman, has another kid, in secret. Then decides to give up his job.
I wouldn't believe it if I didn't know people who this shit has happed to.

[SurlyCue]

Full time dad takes care of his second daughter but he needs to provide for his first daughter too. Will you be paying his maintenance for her when he is not working?

[BuildingBlocks9]

DP will be able to afford 100pm maintenance even if he works 2-3 days per week

[MuttonCadet]

My stepkids are with us 75% of the time, but DH still pays maintenance, it's just what people do. DH ex doesn't have a great job, but the kids still need a house to live in when they are with her that requires heating and lighting etc. DH considers it part of his responsibility as a father to ensure his kids are provided for wherever they are.

When DH was building up his own business I paid the maintenance, because it wasn't his ex fault that we'd taken the decision as a family that DH would start up a company. We factored the maintenance in when we calculated if we could afford to live on my salary alone.

I hope this isn't real , if it is you need to consider the kind of person who doesn't make ALL of his children a priority.

[OneDayWhenIGrowUp]

What does he pay now?

[midnightvelvet01]

So when your mum moves out, he will stop work & you will work to support the family? Or will you get by without both of you working? Its not very clear.

I echo all of the concern shown to you, & we are not pointing out these things in order to make you feel bad & we are not horrible women who are jealous, neither is the ex wife. She does not want him back, that's plain.

The police does not get involved in DV cases unless there is foundation to the claims.

The DD does not want to stay with your DP on the overnight visits, it sounds as though you do not make her welcome & class her as an intrusion on your life together. This needs to change. She is his child as much as yours is & has equal rights.

There are too many red flags here OP, make sure you have an escape plan & somewhere to go if it turns out the DV threats were real & are now directed at you. If he takes all of your money make sure you have a plan. If he doesn't move in with you once the year is up, then ask yourself why.

[SurlyCue]

And what if he works zero days per week as you suggested upthread? How often will his first child eat then?

[BuildingBlocks9]

I do not understand why everyone is concentrating about money now?!DP pays around 130 pm. Yes I will be supporting our family as I am a high earner thus returning to work in July.DP may want to work for 2 -3 days to have his own money (we may split the outings - him getting all the grocery,outings and me rent, bills, holidays)

[swingofthings]

I am not going to judge your decision to go out with a married man and then getting pregnant asap. Life is not black and white and sometimes, terrible things happen for the best long term.

However, you come across as very self-centered, showing not only little sympathy for a woman who could be you, but even contempt. You are lucky to have now what she thought was hers, but you don't know what tomorrow will be like. She is a mum who has been cheated and left behind by her husband. Of course she is going to be unreasonable to your needs, why should she care that your life is unaffected as possible to suit you? She has enough on her plate to cope with, and if she can hurt you back by some of her actions the way you have hurt hers, then why should she feel bad?

You need to stop thinking that you can have it all. You can't. At the moment, you have a man who has an ex with an axe to grind and you don't deserve to have it easier to cope with. You are with a man who will have a duty towards another child than the one you have together, that includes supporting her financially.

The fact is, maybe she was a horrible woman and he deserved to find someone (like you) to treat him better, but if deceiving her about you wasn't bad enough, he continued to deceive her by lying about your pregnancy. Did you really had no issue with this? Can't you see that the whole thing about avoiding stress is nothing else than an excuse? You didn't have to be stressed by it, he did.

Do you really see nothing wrong with him quiting his job and by doing so preventing him from his responsibilities because it suits your new life together? Even if guilt make you both agree to give a token £100 a month when he would otherwise have to give more, do you really believe that from a point of principle, that's being good caring parents?

How you can think so highly of someone with so little scrupules is beyond me.

[Oswin]

Because you are concentrating on you and your child and how dp will adjust his life to support your career with no thought to how he will support his older child. How about he stays working full time and you use childcare.

[Momagain1]

His ex wants to tell you what he hasnt. You only know what he tells you, and that he lies, not just to women and the old folks back home, but to judges in a court of law. When you finally see things dont add up, remember this.

Have you ever googled him?

[SurlyCue]

we may split the outings - him getting all the grocery,outings and me rent, bills, holidays)

You know i suspected earlier in the thread but now i am quite sure that you knew and know exactly what you are playing at. Im not at all sure it is you who is being played at all now. You're shrewd. Yes, you pay the traceable bills and he will pay the ones that have no paper trail. That leaves you in a very good financial situation if you decide youre done with your speem donor doesnt it? You have all the proof that you paid it all and he paid for nothing. Just be careful though- as main caregiver he could walk away with your child should you separate.

[riverboat1]

If I was in your situation, ie having a child with a man accused of DV, I would definitely want to meet with his ex alone in a neutral and public place so I could form my own opinion of the person doing the accusing and her credibility. Do you really not feel even a tiny bit worried about those accusations?

All the rest of it I can see how you are justifying it to yourself and just want to put your head down and get on with it...but that, and the fact you haven't met his family, would make me nervous.

I am also a firm believer in the idea that morality and the knowledge of whether actions are basically right or wrong comes from our ability to imagine how we would feel on the receiving end of said action. Surely you'd feel awful and angry if your DP left you now and had another baby with someone straight away and didn't tell you? And the new partner thought your DDdidnt need to be treated any special way because 'children are always fine'...

[BuildingBlocks9]

Surly just because our DD does have his surname doe not mean I am being so calculated to think this way (having traceable bills etc).If it comes to worst -he will not have means to support our DD whilst I will

[Alwayswiththechords]

op you need to open your eyes and read your own words carefully, you and your DC will end up hurt. Nothing about this man or your relationship sounds good.

He is happy to lie to the courts and even worse, to the people in his life: His DD, his mother and father, and yes, you and your DC. You just haven't found out his lies yet. He's had 2 years to sort out the situation and move in to support you and your DC. He's making vague promises of how things will be different in the future but there are now exact plans of how you are planning to achieve that.

Run op run. Even your mother can see that this relationship is doomed. Listen to her.

[fedupbutfine]

but I bet exW is claiming benefits as a single parent

and like many single parents, will probably be entitled to benefits based on her income as a single parent. What of it?

[SurlyCue]

Surly just because our DD does have his surname doe not mean I am being so calculated to think this way

Well, i didnt mention his surname, and i didnt know she had his surname but that is a very revealing sentence right there.

If it comes to worst -he will not have means to support our DD whilst I will

you are a fool. There are women up and down the country who raise children on their own either with state support or part time work. If your partner is providing full time or even majority care for your child then he is in a very strong position to leave with the child and for you to have weekend or EOW contact.

[CrabbyTheCrabster]

Fucking hell, I don't even know where to start...

[BuildingBlocks9]

Surly our DD does not have his surname- for the reasons I do not want to disclose

[SilverBirch2015]

It seems obvious to me that the Ex.W wants to meet with you to impart her knowledge about your DP. Warn you about his history and behaviour.

You are being quite delusional about this man who has kept you and his DC secret from both his family and EX. You are now talking about supporting him financially. Words fail me.

[Roussette]

What possessed you to have a child with this man? Was it your idea of was it his? It can't have been a mutual decision, you can't both have been so stupid surely.

You are cherry picking what questions you answer.

How on and off was the relationship for the year you knew him before getting pregnant? (the answer to that will show ridiculous it was to have a child at that stage of a relationship when he'd barely left the mother of his first baby).