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Step-parenting

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Original poster

What to do with exW?

202 replies

BuildingBlocks9 · 09/05/2015 09:15

I have been with my DP for the almost 2 years and I have recently given birth to our DD. DP has a DD (almost 3) from his previous marriage – the relationship broke down when his DD was 1,he moved and divorce was granted in Jan 2015.I met his DD in Feb this year (taking her to restaurant and park couple of times).He has not told his exW about having a new partner and a baby (told her 4 days before birth).She is a very argumentative woman and we were worried that it may impact on my pregnancy and new baby.Now she is taking him to court that at the last hearing for custody (back in Feb 2015) he had not revealed the info about new partner nor my pregnancy, that he had not disclosed it and the shared residency order should be cancelled.We knew that once she know about me and our DD she might flip out. For the sake of his DD he lives in a rented accommodation (as he has EOW and couple of overnights per week), in a years time we are thinking about living together full time (moving to a larger place that his DD has her own bedroom). He brings his DD to spend time with us, we organise outings as a family,we understand that she needs to accept me and her DB slowly.
How can I help my DP? Shall I get involved or take step back?

OP posts:
Maybe83 · 09/05/2015 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DazzelU · 09/05/2015 11:31

I don't think it unreasonable to want to met an adult who will be having regular contact with your 3 year old. Only odd thing is that here is exW wants to do that without your DP there.

It is unbelievably odd that your relationship and pg has been kept quiet from everyone - even his adult extended family. That is not normal - even in the most complex of family circumstances I've seen.

I'd be very concerned if I felt my 3 year old had been told to lie or not tell me something - even the existence of new woman and half sibling. Encouraging young DC to keep secrets from primary carers -however innocent or however well meant - is not a good idea - so I think exW has legitimate concerns there as well.

Momagain1 · 09/05/2015 11:36

Children will always be fine

No. Are you sure you are in your 30s? Have you never dated anyone before? Do your friends never discuss their relationships? Children often are not fine when they understand they have been raised in lies. Even if they seem reasonable in public, they struggle to relate to friends, partners, and their own children.

He has lied to his ex, the courts, AND his family. He segregates you from the rest of his life, but leads you on with promises he someday won't. No doubt you both will be shocked when his family doesnt take to you right away, if ever. If a situation is bad, lies only delay it. Much like now he is having to go through the truthful discussion of your existence that he didnt have last year when visitation was arranged.

You two do sound well matched.

Your mother agreeing to your not living together now may well be based in wisdom you can't even imagine.

Original poster
BuildingBlocks9 · 09/05/2015 11:36

Maybe83 -I have known him for 2 years,yes maybe it was on-and-off relationship but when I fell pregnant DP was very supporting and we made a choice to be together and to concentrate on working on our relationship.He loves me and our DD.I see him with his DD and he is a very caring and good dad.
I did not have a father figure in my life and I do not want the same for my DD.My DM will also not be living in UK forever.DP is very happy to stay at home and look after DD and me,sacrificing his career.

OP posts:
Original poster
BuildingBlocks9 · 09/05/2015 11:38

I have not met his extended family yet but they knew about my pregnancy and his parents know that he has newborn baby

OP posts:
Momagain1 · 09/05/2015 11:39

Maybe83 -I have known him for 2 years,yes maybe it was on-and-off relationship but when I fell pregnant DP was very supporting and we made a choice to be together and to concentrate on working on our relationship.He loves me and our DD.I see him with his DD and he is a very caring and good dad.
I did not have a father figure in my life and I do not want the same for my DD.My DM will also not be living in UK forever.DP is very happy to stay at home and look after DD and me,sacrificing his career.

Oh dear. Children are always fine. Which is why you have a mess of a part-time relationship with a man who lies.

PeruvianFoodLover · 09/05/2015 11:42

DP is very happy to stay at home and look after DD and me,sacrificing his career

But he has responsibilities to more than just you and your DD. He has two DCs to support. Your DD will always have 'less' than if she was his only DC.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 09/05/2015 11:44

OP, I really really feel sorry for you.

When I love someone, I don't hide their very existence from my family.

There are so, so many things you have written that are horribly concerning. You haven't had a good male role model in your life- this man is not a good male role model for his daughters either.

Maybe83 · 09/05/2015 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KarmaNoMore · 09/05/2015 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 09/05/2015 11:48

Good point- if he's not planning to work how does he plan to provide for his elder daughter?

Original poster
BuildingBlocks9 · 09/05/2015 11:51

DP and exW were not a good match.He finds happiness in our relationship.It was mutual decision not to disclose info about our relationship to his exW and their DD.It is what it is.
Karma-I am an independent woman who will manage without child maintenance if it comes to the worst

OP posts:
Lonecatwithkitten · 09/05/2015 11:52

'Children will always be fine' - you are incredibly naive.
Children are regularly damaged emotionally by the exactly the kind of scenario you are describing. Some children are broken.
Maybe the ExW has had to pick up the pieces and is trying to engage with you as a way of helping to glue the pieces back together.

DocHollywood · 09/05/2015 11:52

Is there a reason that you haven't met his parents yet? Were they not excited about meeting their new grandchild? I'm wondering why they are not part of your life at the moment

Original poster
BuildingBlocks9 · 09/05/2015 11:52

OneDay - it is his problem not mine

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 09/05/2015 11:53

DP is very happy to stay at home and look after DD and me,sacrificing his career

And how to you envisage him paying for his first DD?

SoupDragon · 09/05/2015 11:55

OneDay - it is his problem not mine

And will you feel the same about how he pays for your DD when he leaves you for another woman?

Original poster
BuildingBlocks9 · 09/05/2015 11:56

DocHollywood - DPs parents need time to adjust.I have a great support in my family

OP posts:
SabrinnaOfDystopia · 09/05/2015 11:56

OP there are more red flags in your posts than a flag convention. You've fallen for a well-trodden lie that the "ex is a bitch" - and you have not questioned this despite never having met this man's family, and in full knowledge that he was keeping you/your pregnancy from his ex, his dd, and the family courts. He now seems to have given up his job too, a worrying development when he has 2 dc to support.

And then we have the 'she rings the police with fake dv reports' - women doing this are exceedingly rare. It is far more likely that you have only seen his 'good' side so far.

Tread very carefully, OP - I would say you don't know this man as well as you think you do.

Maybe83 · 09/05/2015 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BuildingBlocks9 · 09/05/2015 11:57

SoupDragon - money is not problem for me and I will manage without additional financial support.It is not all about money!

OP posts:
OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 09/05/2015 11:58

Yeah, your problem is that you appear to think that's fine?

That sounds cavalier, but it really is a problem- because it really isn't fine. It's indicative of how little he thinks of his child. You also have a child with him. It doesn't concern you?

Original poster
BuildingBlocks9 · 09/05/2015 12:01

DP still works but eventually will need to give up his job when my DM moves out and he moves in with me full time

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 09/05/2015 12:02

SoupDragon - money is not problem for me and I will manage without additional financial support.It is not all about money!

So you are happy to be with a "cocklodger" who plans on giving up his career, avoid giving money to pay for his previous DD and has managed not to introduce you to his family in two years?

Bullshit.

SoupDragon · 09/05/2015 12:05

You are facilitating his screwing over of his XW. And you called her a bitch...??