Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

What to do with exW?

202 replies

BuildingBlocks9 · 09/05/2015 09:15

I have been with my DP for the almost 2 years and I have recently given birth to our DD. DP has a DD (almost 3) from his previous marriage – the relationship broke down when his DD was 1,he moved and divorce was granted in Jan 2015.I met his DD in Feb this year (taking her to restaurant and park couple of times).He has not told his exW about having a new partner and a baby (told her 4 days before birth).She is a very argumentative woman and we were worried that it may impact on my pregnancy and new baby.Now she is taking him to court that at the last hearing for custody (back in Feb 2015) he had not revealed the info about new partner nor my pregnancy, that he had not disclosed it and the shared residency order should be cancelled.We knew that once she know about me and our DD she might flip out. For the sake of his DD he lives in a rented accommodation (as he has EOW and couple of overnights per week), in a years time we are thinking about living together full time (moving to a larger place that his DD has her own bedroom). He brings his DD to spend time with us, we organise outings as a family,we understand that she needs to accept me and her DB slowly.
How can I help my DP? Shall I get involved or take step back?

OP posts:
TRexingInAsda · 09/05/2015 10:25

You say you're more mature, but you don't want to meet the ex-w after 2 years to discuss the care of your dh's 3yo because 'you're not ready'. Grow up! You've made some decisions - to have a baby even before the living situation and divorce/ex-w situation is settled, and then to keep your relationship and pregnancy a secret - the upshot of that is it's a big surprise to ex-w and she is concerned for her child, and wants to meet you to try to make sure her dd will be safe and looked after and to ease her distress. So far, she sounds like a perfectly good and reasonable mum and ex-w. Meeting her will help you all move forward with the situation.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 09/05/2015 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whiskwarrior · 09/05/2015 10:32

'At least we knew one another for longer before having our DD'.

Yeah, you sound really mature. I work in a primary school. Children arguing do the 'at least I didn't...' thing, not grown women. Hmm

Chippednailvarnish · 09/05/2015 10:32

Your DP is feeding you every line in the book and you are swallowing it hook, line and sinker.
I bet the next one he feeds you is that she has mental health issues and she's unstable.

I give your relationship 2 years at best and a year before he moves in and the DV starts. Good luck.

Original poster
BuildingBlocks9 · 09/05/2015 10:33

I am not ready to meet her just now.I know that she works not far from my work so when I am considering to meet her during lunch break.Let us say for 20 min.I have read previous posts better to have timescale.Also until July she will come to terms with her exH to have another family

OP posts:
OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 09/05/2015 10:33

My bad for naively assuming they were married before planning a pregnancy. Although you realise a man who has now twice conceived unplanned pregnancies in the very early stages of relationships would still be a huge concern for most people? You've known him less than 2 years, you've never lived with him, not properly. Just please stay aware that you don't fully know this man, not really. Stay aware, learn about healthy and unhealthy relationships. There's a lot of wisdom available on this board if you want it.

AGirlCalledBoB · 09/05/2015 10:35

I would be utterly furious!

So they split 2 years ago, your guys immediately got together and now have only just introduced a new woman and a sister to a 3 year old without even running it by her mother. I am usually in support of stepmums but your partner is a idiot! And I would 100% support his ex.

Did he not think of his daughter at all?

PeruvianFoodLover · 09/05/2015 10:35

op I'm reading an element of insecurity in your posts - you've justified why your relationship with your DP is 'better' then the one he had with his exW, for instance.

It's understandable that you are feeling insecure - your DP has hidden your existence from his exW, and despite having a child with you, he's not yet willing to commit to family life with you and has extended his lease on his 'batchelor pad'. You have post-partum hormones to contend with, and assuming this your first child, you are redefining yourself as a mum, as well.

I'm sure this isn't how you imagined your life would be - but, rather than focussing on blame, or fighting to create the scenario you imagined, try to make the most if what you do have. Leave your DP to deal with his ex. Enjoy being mummy to your LO. And welcome your DPs DD into your life at a pace that suits her. Don't allow this precious time to be spoilt by wasting energy on trying to change someone else.

Alwayswiththechords · 09/05/2015 10:36

BuildingBlocks please don't ignore all the warning signs about this man and your relationship.

Original poster
BuildingBlocks9 · 09/05/2015 10:37

We already have been together longer that he has been with his exW.His exW is a controlling b*.She is now asking him to provide info about me, where I live etc.He has every right to separate our family from the one with his exW.
We will work hard on our relationship to work.We plan to move in together full time, get married and have more DC.

OP posts:
OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 09/05/2015 10:38

Meeting her isnt about you and whether you're ready- it's about adults looking after the needs of a 3 year old child. You sound incredibly selfish with that attitude.

Yeesss · 09/05/2015 10:39

OP you have messed up your story. In your OP you talk about your DP's poor DD having a brother but now apparently you have a DD. I smell bullshit!

Whiskwarrior · 09/05/2015 10:39

OP is only going to hear what she wants to hear. That's why she posted on this board, rather than Relationships.

She wants other step-mums to tell her that the ex-wife is a bitch.

Not good.

Tequilashotsfor1 · 09/05/2015 10:40

op I don't think you realise the magnitude of what's happening here.

If you do meet her - it won't be a quick twenty min meeting to fit in with your lunch at work. You have just turned her and her dd life inside out.

I would take a massive back seat and let the grown ups deal with what you and dp have done.

I wouldn't meet soon because she may be that spitting mad you might get a punch in the face. As that's how I would be feeling it I was her right now.

Stay out of it

Whiskwarrior · 09/05/2015 10:42

Ah, cross-posted with the OP!

There's the expected vitriol towards the ex-wife. Next it will be that the DP didn't want to marry his ex-wife but she trapped him.

OP your attitude is disgusting.

PeruvianFoodLover · 09/05/2015 10:44

She wants other step-mums to tell her that the ex-wife is a bitch

Many stepmums are also exWs - who may have also had cheating/abusive exs. It's unlikely the OP would get validation wherever she posts!

AGirlCalledBoB · 09/05/2015 10:44

How on earth is she a controlling bitch? You have not even met the woman and she sounds perfectly reasonable to me. She should meet the woman her child is being around and your oh has completely messed this up.

She is certainly not jealous if your oh was dv and if she did not know about you, don't you think she could have made a move on this wonderful man? Hmm

I think you are going to get a shock on here. There are a lot of stepmums on here and I think even they will tell you are being unreasonable.

Tequilashotsfor1 · 09/05/2015 10:46

In what post yeees? slightly hungover

SoupDragon · 09/05/2015 10:47

We already have been together longer that he has been with his exW

Really??

Assuming his XW got pregnant when they had sex on their first date, they were together 21 months.

You have been together "almost two years". So, less than 24.

Hmm
Only1scoop · 09/05/2015 10:48

Blimey what an awful read

"I'm more mature....I knew him longer than she did before we had dd'Confused

You actually sound incredibly childish

Only1scoop · 09/05/2015 10:49

Soup ....exactly

Whiskwarrior · 09/05/2015 10:49

Peruvian - I don't think she will be validated here, but I think she thinks she will be. She thinks step-mums are all going to agree because it's a hive mind (it isn't).

She's completely glossing over the red flags in her relationship and focussing totally on the ex-wife. Dangerous.

Original poster
BuildingBlocks9 · 09/05/2015 10:50

Yesss -I am sorry could not edit my post and was not sure if to put DD (dear daughter) or DS (dear sister).It should be DS
Tequila-you might be right.There is also a court hearing very soon(taking DP to court for now revealing all the info).She wants to cancel all overnight stays for their DD claiming that she was not prepared for arrival of new DS and that she does not know about family arrangements.
Peruvian - thank you.It might be hormones.I have longed for the baby for so long as I am late 30s' and all friends have settled and have families.I moved to UK 3 years ago for my job.I have my career and I am very fulfilled in my role.

OP posts:
Momagain1 · 09/05/2015 10:52

Building your new family will never be seperate from his old family. Never ever. If he left a woman he didnt have a child with, he could. But he has that child, and your extended family will always include ExW, she is basically an in-law. She will always be there. That's the choice you made.

He has pretended he can keep these parts of his life seperate for two years, by lying to her, the courts, and anyone else who doesnt know you are a couple and have a child together. He has told her, and the world at large, some major lies so far. That he is being completely honest with you is very doubtful. All you really know is what information he brings into the little box he keeps you in. He got away with it for a while, because he had ExW boxed in too. But now that she is an X, he no longer can control what she knows.

He is a lier. You have been dating a liar. You have had a child with a liar. You are forever shackled to this liar through your dc, just as this woman is. One thing he probably didnt lie about: their marriage, because of course their marriage was bad: he was a liar. Dishonest people rarely have good relationships.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 09/05/2015 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swipe left for the next trending thread