Give me strength

[Tiger13]

Hello, I'm new to mumsnet and would love to get some advice. My step-daughters mum has recently died and now won't contact either me or my husband. Her control freak of a step-father has commenced legal proceedings and even threatened us with a restraining order when we sent a message to step-daughter saying we loved her. Step-father is ASKING my husband to hand over PR and custody and of course given my step daugther is grieving and doesn't want anything else to change is saying she wants the same arrangements. We are looking at things for her future not the here and now but we are now being forced into a custody battle which we didn't want to put my step-daughter through. I'm broken hearted for my step-daughter but I am distraught that she won't speak to us and the longer it goes on the worse it's going to be when contact resumes. Everything has to be a fight with the step-father and it's just not necessary and is going to impact my step-daughter further. If anyone has had similar experience I would be interested to hear how you dealt with the situation.

How old is your step-daughter?

14

Very difficult age. Was the relationship with her Dad OK beforehand?

I wouldn't hand over PR or custody, but just let daughter do whatever she wants, and spend the time where she wants. She should not have any involvement or knowledge of legal stuff right now - all it will do is add to what must be huge stress for her.

I think all you can do is just sit tight and wait, but like I said, don't get involved in any legal stuff.

I haven't got direct experience but I have read about similar cases, and think this is one of those situations in which immediate, decisive action is required on the part of your DH - even if, in the short term, it creates distress for his DD. While it may be tempting to go "softly softly" because his DD is grieving for her mum, the long term implications of being adopted by her stepfather, who is witholding her from contact with her Dad, are unlikely to be in the DD's best interests.

Her stepfather is not making rational decisions at the moment, he has just lost his wife, and as he works through his grief, he may come to regret the decisions he makes now.

I suggest your DH seeks legal advice as soon as possible.

The relationship with her father and I was brilliant. At home the relationships weren't great. This is why I just don't understand.

The step-father has taken step-daughter to the GP to witness signing letter as part of the legal proceedings so her not being involved isn't an option. His and her late mother would lie about us and then we'd have to prove that we weren't lying.

I can't in any way understand why she has cut contact. Not even a text message.

Step-father's solicitor has given us to the end of the week to respond or is starting court proceedings.

Is it possible the step father has removed her mobile so she can't respond to you ? It seems very strange that she would cut all contact after a previously happy relationship with you and DH.

Does she have siblings at home with her step dad ?

No she definately has her phone and has made contact with the rest of the family except us.
She has an older brother but our relationship with him broke down which their mother and step father encouraged.

The situation could not be messier if it tried to be honest.

Has your DH managed to see DSD at all since since her mother died ? Is there no where away from the stepfather that you could see DSD such as school or a grandparents to find out her real feelings rather than accepting the stepfathers version of them ?

Oh and a solicitors letter means absolutely nothing legally. Court proceedings cannot be started with mediation being attempted first.

If your DH has PR then he is the only person right now with any legal responsibilities to his DD. Your DH really needs to find a way to have contact with DSD to establish what it is she wants to happen. He urgently needs to make sure this happens even if that involves the police or social services acting as intermediates.

If your DH has PR then he is the only person right now with any legal responsibilities to his DD. Your DH really needs to find a way to have contact with DSD to establish what it is she wants to happen. He urgently needs to make sure this happens even if that involves the police or social services acting as intermediates.

Absolutely this. At the very least, your DSD's situation should be assessed by Social Services; her stepfather is in breach of the Chidlrens Act by allowing her to remain in his care without a formal kinship care or private fostering arrangement in place. Your DH has PR, and therefore is solely responsible for his DDs welfare.

We have had indirect messages and the letter 'written' from DSD which used english in a way that she wouldn't/couldn't.

My husband contacted the school yesterday to let them know if anything happens re DSD that he is the only legal representative for her. They have told the step-father and we received another solicitors letter today stating it's not appropriate he is contacted over the step-father.

I'm a woman and the way my husband has been treated by social services and the courts in the past is nothing far from disgusting. I have urged him to contact social services.
Legally my husband could get the police to remove DSD but again that isn't something we want to do.

The step-father has emotionally and psychologically abused both children over the years and I think he will be saying to DSD that we won't allow her to see him or her brother and her mother wouldn't want her to see us. Or some such rubbish.

The problem we have is that what DSD wants and what is best for her are two very different things it would appear.

The problem we have is that what DSD wants and what is best for her are two very different things it would appear.

Yes, and in this situation, what your DSD appears to "want" must be disregarded in order for your DH to meet her needs.

While a court will frequently consider the "wants" of DC's when it comes to living arrangements between two equally capable parents, that is NOT the case when one of the adults is unrelated.
If there is no reason why your DSD should not live with her father, then that is most likely what the court will order - regardless of her wishes.

I agree that the "system" is weighted towards female parents - but in this case, it is not a father vs mother scenario; the school would be very unwise to support your DSD stepfather in a situation where your DH is seeking to exercise his legal repsonsilbiities.

Our solicitor is issuing letter to school.

Your DH could call 101 and ask to be escorted to collect his DD from the stepfathers as he is the only one with PR.

This poor girl has just lost her mother and is now being left to be manipulated and have emotional pressure applied to her by her brother and stepfather. She needs to be removed as soon as possible by any legal means.

Couldn't your DH just wait outside school to collect her and take her home with him ? The step father could not do anything about this then

But we don't want to force DSD or put any pressure on her. I very much doubt that whatever we do the courts will see we have done the best for DSD as they haven't up to now.

op is there more to this than you've posted here?

You've already posted that your dh's relationship with his ds has broken down, and now that his dd no longer wants to see him. What are the reasons behind the breakdown of his relationship with his ds and what has he done to try and resolve it?

I'm sorry to say but your dh is being incredibly weak here. It's not enough to say that he doesn't want to upset his dd. Is his relationship with her worth risking for the sake of not upsetting her? because that's what's going to happen if he doesn't pull his head out of his arse and do something.

As his children's mother has died the stepfather has no legal rights. none at all. So your dh needs to go and fetch his dd, either from school or from her sf's house, with police involvement if need be. How old is his ds, if under eighteen then I would say he needs to be brought back as well.

It may be that your dsd wants nothing to do with her dad, but it may also be that her sf has taken her phone and blocked his number so she can't receive texts from him, but she may not realise this.

Your dh needs to act and he needs to act now. The courts don't actually need to be involved at this stage - she is his dd and he has parental responsibility. If the sf wants to go to court then let him. But he has no legal rights over your dh's child.

So the question is, what is your dh going to do about it now and if not, why not?

WannaBe i don't appreciate the tone of the above to be honest. I came here for advice not a lecture.
There is a great deal more to the situation but I wasn't writing an autobiography.

Upsetting a 14 year old girl that has just lost her mum... yes my husband does not want to do that. We also understand that she will want a relationship with her step father.

No-one has said she shouldn't have a relationship with her stepfather. But equally it seems that there are people who are saying she shouldn't have a relationship with her father, and unless he acts to change this that is exactly what will happen.

And nobody is lecturing, but it is precisely at this point in time that she needs to know that her father is prepared to fight for their relationship. this is when she is most vulnerable. If he sits back and does nothing while her sf is the one caring for her, potentially telling her all sorts about you/him, then the message she is getting is that it is her sf who is the important person in her life not her dad.

yes your dh needs to seek legal advice, but the preference would be for this to not go to court, because a court appearance will upset her far more than being told she has to go back to her dad's. and she is now of an age that if your dh went to court rather than just use his legal right as her only parent she would need to be part of the process and would be given an input into what she wants to happen, something which given her current situation she really is too young to be able to do without realising the permanent consequences.

Ultimately she is the child, your dh is the adult/parent, he is the one who needs to take responsibility here, and not leave it up to a fourteen year old child who is already vulnerable, potentially being manipulated, and not in a position to be able to know what is in her best interests.

WannaBe fwiw I believe you are right here. I said earlier about not doing anything, taking a 'softly softly' approach. But your arguments about Dad acting clearly, decisively and immediately are well thought out and with the child's best interests at heart.

I think I would be devastated if my Dad didn't fight for me take control of the situation, when I had recovered from the first overwhelming grief.

OP I don't understand why the relationship between your SD and her Dad broke down? You said it was great - what changed?

The step father is asking for PR because he will be fully aware that he cannot get it unless your DH does it of his own free will.

I fully agree that your DSD is the child here and needs to be with her father right now.

Your DH doesn't need or want to go to court over this. He already has all the legal powers here. He has PR and no one else does.

Can your husband see his DD somewhere other than the stepfathers house ? It would certainly be better if she would agree to come to live with her father willingly but she should also be told that this is what needs to happen now.

Her mother died. That's what's changed. As for anything else we are in the dark.

I completely agree that my husband is the only one with PR but more than likely this is going to go to court and if we just turn up and remove DSD from house or after school that won't be perceived very well.
Normally she is with us every other week but she has communicated indirectly that she's not ready to not be at 'home' because that's where her mother is.

Oh and the court will award PR regardless of my husband's opinion on the matter.

I would be taking my solicitor with me and going to collect her from the step fathers home now. I would ring 101 and explain the situation and that you believe there could be a breach of the peace to forewarn them of an issue.

I fully understand why you have both tried a 'softly softly' approach so far, but it is not working and the situation cannot be allowed to continue.

The longer this does go on the more weight is added to the stepfathers case as it will become the 'status quo'. The older DSD gets the more her opinion will be accepted in court. You don't need court approval you just need to enforce the rights you already have.

And when my DSD says she wants to stay with SF, who hasn't been the one to create a stressful scene, the police will listen to what she wants because of her age and we will be in a worse position than we are now.

You seem very certain about him being granted PR, that would not be a normal scenario in these circumstances.

Even if removing her would be frowned upon down the line, she would be living with you by then and receiving the care she needs from you both. SS would have to believe she was in immediate danger from you to be able to remove her from the care of a parent with PR.