Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Give me strength

199 replies

Tiger13 · 14/04/2015 12:47

Hello, I'm new to mumsnet and would love to get some advice. My step-daughters mum has recently died and now won't contact either me or my husband. Her control freak of a step-father has commenced legal proceedings and even threatened us with a restraining order when we sent a message to step-daughter saying we loved her. Step-father is ASKING my husband to hand over PR and custody and of course given my step daugther is grieving and doesn't want anything else to change is saying she wants the same arrangements. We are looking at things for her future not the here and now but we are now being forced into a custody battle which we didn't want to put my step-daughter through. I'm broken hearted for my step-daughter but I am distraught that she won't speak to us and the longer it goes on the worse it's going to be when contact resumes. Everything has to be a fight with the step-father and it's just not necessary and is going to impact my step-daughter further. If anyone has had similar experience I would be interested to hear how you dealt with the situation.

OP posts:
Fromparistoberlin73 · 14/04/2015 18:03

The step-father has emotionally and psychologically abused both children over the years and I think he will be saying to DSD that we won't allow her to see him or her brother and her mother wouldn't want her to see us.

do you have proof? If questioned could you clearly provide evidence

agree that you should fight tooth and nail against this, and get a VERY good lawyers and start to details week by month by year EVERYTHING that has happended here

what a mess, wishing you the best

friendofsadgirl · 14/04/2015 18:16

Tiger13, what a horrible situation.
If your DSD isn't replying doesn't mean she's not seeing your messages.
While you are getting your legal options sorted, you probably need to counteract anything SF might be saying against you. I would reassure her by text, social media, any way you can that you are there for her, that you love her, that her home with you is always there when she wants to come. I'd be careful not to write anything that criticises her SF in case he uses it against you. Tell her how much you want to hear from her. Join whatsapp or Twitter, whatever she's on and enlist the help of any family you do have common contact with.
I hope you get her home soon.

textfan · 14/04/2015 18:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jux · 14/04/2015 18:40

Anyone who holds the phone can reply to a message, or not reply to it. You have no idea whether she has to hand her phone over to him to be checked every day. You have no idea whether he has it, but lets her use it to contact other people. You have no idea.

You really do need to get her asap.

Mummybabyboo · 14/04/2015 19:24

You need to go to get her and you need to do it urgently. As the only legal living parent of DD your DH is not breaking the law by going and getting her and bringing her home, by leaving her you would be giving him the status quo of care and could infact be considered to have abandoned her.
Step-parents have zero legal rights whatsoever, if you go and collect her and he attempts to stop you it is child abduction.
Unless she has never lived with your husband and has only ever lived with her step dad I dont know why you are even hesitating.

Weathergames · 14/04/2015 19:28

This is awful - have not read full thread but have experienced similar in my professional life and there was money involved Sad which is why the stepdad wanted custody.

Original poster
Tiger13 · 14/04/2015 19:48

My husband lived with DSD until she was 2 and has always had contact with her. This is the longest time he's not had contact with her.
My husband has a good job and the mother and step father have got as much money out of him over the years as they could. So much so that she didnt need to work full time as had an income in itself coming from my husband. They basically wanted him not to exist but wanted the money. Without this money sf would never be able to afford the house they bought.

OP posts:
Weathergames · 14/04/2015 19:52

Did they own their house? Did she have life insurance?

Original poster
Tiger13 · 14/04/2015 20:01

Yes they own and no life insurance.

OP posts:
textfan · 14/04/2015 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummybabyboo · 14/04/2015 20:08

I hope he has stopped paying now.

wannabestressfree · 14/04/2015 20:09

I agree. She needs to be collected and allowed to grieve with you and her dad at home- her new home. Please encourage your husband to be less lasseiz faire. I agree that you will lose Her entirely otherwise.

Weathergames · 14/04/2015 20:10

We have no life ins and own..

Mummybabyboo · 14/04/2015 20:10

How many years has step-dad lived with them?

base9 · 14/04/2015 20:10

Is sf reliant on maintenance payments to keep the house?

Justusemyname · 14/04/2015 20:49

It suddenly becomes clearer.

Doesn't your husband have some online banking to sort?

Original poster
Tiger13 · 14/04/2015 20:52

Sf works but their lifestyle has been paid for by my husband.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiger13 · 14/04/2015 20:54

He made the first payment but csa have been notified and have informed him they are holding the last payment until the situation for the future becomes clear.

OP posts:
Thisismyfirsttime · 14/04/2015 21:24

You've said you have no idea what's going on in their house and that sf has been controlling and that it's out if character for her to not contact you. Go and get her by any means necessary, even if she hates you for it now if she is in a bad situation she'll remember that her dad wanted her later. Anything could be going on behind closed doors based on what you've said here. What a shit situation to be in, I'm sorry for you all Thanks

Original poster
Tiger13 · 14/04/2015 21:36

Thisismyfirsttime- Thank you

OP posts:
Jux · 14/04/2015 21:42

At the very very least, your dh needs to be at the school tomorrow. I can't believe the school told sf that your dh had been in touch. I would be having words about that too.

Thisismyfirsttime · 14/04/2015 22:40

I have some experience of a similar situation, although not personal and will not put details on MN but imagine 2 scenarios. One in which DH leaves DSD there as she doesn't seem to want to contact him and he's waiting for her to come round. Meanwhile SF is putting horrible ideas in her head about not being wanted and is deliberately manipulating her into thinking DH isn't interested- e.g 'he's your dad, he could come and see/ get you whenever he wants but he hasn't' etc. The other being DH goes and gets her, he meets her at school, he goes to the house, he involves police/ SS as needed and if DSD decides to fight against him and goes back to SF he pushes back against it. Both are horrible situations now but in years to come in the second scenario she will know she was loved and she was wanted when her mum died. It sounds like SF isn't a very nice man and she may well need saving from that.

madamtremain · 15/04/2015 04:17

Just to add to the already excellent advice that you need to get her out.

The courts do listen to 14 year olds about what they want when it's between two parents but he isn't a parent and surely has kidnapped your husbands child? Technically I mean.

Don't worry about "upsetting" her. Just follow all of this advice and do not under any circumstances allow a shared care route as I think that yes if she officially lives there then PA would be granted. She can see him of course which is normal if he's been in her life since 2 years old, but this can't be official.

I feel seriously icky about the whole thing - particularly given the money stuff Confused

Whereisegg · 15/04/2015 08:25

Please please please go and pick her up from school today.
Early if necessary.

She needs to know she is wanted, and at this time that needs to be shown by your actions.

Quesera21 · 15/04/2015 08:47

What does the will say?

any bets there is a caveat on the house, monies etc that will be tied into the daughter.

She needs time to grieve, with her father and then make a decision. Ther eis something going on in the backgorund and money is the root of all evil and I will lay odds on this will be aprt of it.