Give me strength

[Tiger13]

Hello, I'm new to mumsnet and would love to get some advice. My step-daughters mum has recently died and now won't contact either me or my husband. Her control freak of a step-father has commenced legal proceedings and even threatened us with a restraining order when we sent a message to step-daughter saying we loved her. Step-father is ASKING my husband to hand over PR and custody and of course given my step daugther is grieving and doesn't want anything else to change is saying she wants the same arrangements. We are looking at things for her future not the here and now but we are now being forced into a custody battle which we didn't want to put my step-daughter through. I'm broken hearted for my step-daughter but I am distraught that she won't speak to us and the longer it goes on the worse it's going to be when contact resumes. Everything has to be a fight with the step-father and it's just not necessary and is going to impact my step-daughter further. If anyone has had similar experience I would be interested to hear how you dealt with the situation.

But surely in this case there is a choice.

A choice between a blood relative and a step father.

A choice between someone with legal PR and someone without.

A choice between someone that she had a happy long term positive relationship with and someone that she has previously disclosed she has faced abuse from.

I am not disputing that this is the legal position but I am aghast that the stepfather can cease all contact with a living parent and that the law will assist him to get a stronger legal position above and against her father

Maccie, I think you are missing the point I have made about Article 8.

the blood tie is simply not important when considering what makes a family relationship - or at least it isn't in the eyes of the ECHR which is the ultimate legal authority the UK courts have to consider.

What makes a 'family life' worthy of legal and social protection is the emotional/social bonds that build up over many years. Whatever the op thinks about this SF - and she clearly dislikes him intensely which the child MUST be aware of - he has been in her life since she was 2 years old. She is now nearly 15 (sorry I got the age wrong, I note she is not 15 until July, but she is still very clearly in the Gillick competent territory).

If she has 'previously disclosed' abuse, she doesn't appear to be willing now to repeat those allegations, so there is very little any state agency can do to 'protect' her, absent compelling evidence from another source.

This shouldn't ever be about 'choices' . a child should be free to have a normal, healthy relationship with ALL the adults who take part in looking after him/her. It is sadly usually only ever the adults who fuck this up for the child by acting out their own dysfunction and emotional immaturity. I don't think it helps by adding a layer of legal process on top of such an awful situation.

But I accept, I don't have any answers other than to try to avoid letting this kind of situation brew in the first place, which I can see is a)not helpful and b) probably not possible if you are dealing with someone v unreasonable from the get go.

a child should be free to have a normal, healthy relationship with ALL the adults who take part in looking after him/her.

What has astounded me about the information you have shared, spero is that a child over a certain age is expected to decide for themselves which adults "take part in looking after them".

And also when, for whatever reason, a DC isnt free to have a relationship with all the adults in ther life, then the system that currently exists, both prior to and during court proceedings, actively supports the child having a relationship with the adult who has the greatest influence over them, without any consideration of the views, opinions or fears of those adults who have legal responsibility for the DC.

I do believe the step parents relationship has its place and adds value to the child's life, but to my mind this should not be at the expense of a parents relationship. Especially when the step parent wants to exclude the parent and this is isolating the child from the whole of that side of its family.

The responsibility of adults who are raising children is to provide them with an environment where they are able to grow and develop and make sensible decisions that promote their emotional health.

If one or more of the adults fail in this responsibility and creates an environment where a child's ability to make decisions is compromised - by fear, confusion etc - I do not see how this situation is improved one iota by adults then insisting on enforcing their own views on the child. Unless of course the child is at risk of death or serious harm.

And I don't think it is remotely helpful to insist on distinguishing between parents/step parents when these adults have been in her life for all the time she has a concious memory. She will be attached to this man. She can't turn that off because she is told - but he isn't your legal parent.

Spero- I do hope the repeated reference of dysfunctional, immature etc comments are not aimed at me. I do have a vested emotional interest yes as I love her as my own but as an adult I know the difference between right and wrong.
And yes I hate the SF with an absolute passion. And yes my DSD does know that. HOWEVER, unlike the mother and the SF, my DH and I have told her numerous times that she had four adults in her life that loved her and it shouldn't be about picking sides. We've never asked her to choose and never will. Whereas, they told her last year she had to choose and there was no place in their house for her if she wanted a relationship with us. And when she wouldn't stop seeing us they isolated her when she was with them. That is the type of people/person we have and are dealing with. The difference here is the mother is dead and her father is the sole parent. Who of the four adults that have been in her life the relationship has been the best. That is why this cutting us out of her life is so unusual and alarming.

No one has asked her to turn off her relationship with the SF as that wouldn't help her. That does not change the fact that her father should be the one, given he is the one with PR who decides where she should be living and what is best for her. Had she been 10 we wouldn't be discussing this. The law in this country is absurd.

Op I am not having a go at you - people are making sweeping criticisms of family law and I am trying to point out that there are other more relevant issues that explain why family cases fail in court.

BUT don't you see there is a disconnect between what you say? You 'hate' the SF and she knows it. Yet you say you have never asked her to choose.

I am not so sure about that.

And I don't think it is remotely helpful to insist on distinguishing between parents/step parents when these adults have been in her life for all the time she has a concious memory. She will be attached to this man.

I'm not sure that is the experience of all stepparents, spero.

All too often, stepparents are rejected, or dismissed by a stepchild - often one they have helped raise from very young. Many children not only distinguishes, but actively distance themselves from stepparent as they grow up - not all, but it's common enough based on the posts here.

To stepparents who have experienced that rejection and confirmation of their 'lack of value' in their stepDCs lives by the child themselves, the idea that a stepparent can be considered equal to a parent in these situations is difficult to relate to.

The law seems contradictory - it reinforces or excludes stepparents from DCs lives across different legislation in what appears to be a very arbitrary manner.

Yes of course, experiences are going to be very various, from the very good to the very bad.

But this child has had this man in her life since she was 2. She won't remember a life without him. I think she is highly likely to be attached to him - but of course, 'attachment' doesn't necessarily mean something good or healthy.

OP, as a step mum myself, I really feel for you and your family. This thread has made me think a lot about my own DSS. Fortunately he is now an adult but, had he lost his DM when he was younger, we would be in bits if he chose to stay with his mother's partner rather than DH and I even though we actually like his SF!
I suppose for now all you can do is keep the lines of communication open with your DSD as much as you can. Maybe as she works through her grief she will come to realise her place is with you.

Communication is the key. Even if she doesn't respond, make sure your dh at least sends a text every week, just so she knows you're still there for her, and so she doesn't think that she has an insurmountable barrier to get through when she does want her dad.

I'm sure she will want her dad again. Make it as easy as possible for her to do that.

Good luck, Tiger. I do feel for you all.

Spero- let's be crystal here. It's the SM here not the SF who is writing this post asking for advice.
I hate the SF with a passion and he and she knows it. The reasons being she has seen for herself sadly. And I hate him most for how he has treated two children over the years. I will never be sorry for that. Ever! I was raised to kniw what is right and wrong. You can be as unsure as you want to be but I have and will forever put the best interests of my DSD before mine. That is what being a parent is about.

Op, I don't want to add to your distress. I accepts this is a horrible situation and you are very worried about a child you love.

But I doubt that it is ever a good idea to let children be aware that the adults in their life feel 'hatred' for another adult who is important to them. She just doesn't have the emotional maturity to cope with this, understand it or process it.

I really think the focus needs to be on your love for her, not your hatred for him.

By all means, ignore or disagree with my advice if you don't find it helpful, but I hope you will give it some thought. Believe me, I have seen enough of these kind of situations play out to a very dismal end. As Martin Luther King said 'hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that'.

I finally have an update. DSD has called my DH tonight for us to see her on Thursday night, I'm having an operation on Friday and she wants to see me before. She has also mentioned about seeing us in two weeks time for my DHs birthday.
I know this doesn't solve any of the problems ahead of us but right now we are elated that she has contacted us and is simply the most relieved I've ever felt. She may not me my DD but I couldn't love her anymore if she was.

That's great news Tiger
Hope all goes well with your OP

Ah, I'm so pleased. That's great news.

That's brilliant. Hope your op goes well - sounds like she loves you a lot, too. Hopefully that will get you all through this.

Thanks everyone.
Lying in bed reminding myself everyother minute that it actually happened and I didn't dream it.

A good step forwards

Hope it goes well, and the op.

OK, I've had no experiences like what you're going through, but my father sadly passed away from cancer nine years ago, when I was only 14, so I know what it's like to be in your step - daughter's position. I think she's probably quite confused.
From what you said, it sounds like she doesn't have any siblings? I have five older sisters, so they helped me through it. Also, my step mum, mum and step dad were all brilliant.
I was in a slightly different position as you, because I didn't live with my father, so living arrangements just stayed as they were.
If I were you, I'd do my very best to get him to stop the custody battle and give her the decision of where she wants to live. If he refuses, then I don't think you'll have any option but to fight him for custody. She sounds like she'll be much better off with yo and your DH.

Oh tiger that is brilliant news. I am so very very pleased for you. X

How lovely that your DSD been in touch