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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Give me strength

199 replies

Tiger13 · 14/04/2015 12:47

Hello, I'm new to mumsnet and would love to get some advice. My step-daughters mum has recently died and now won't contact either me or my husband. Her control freak of a step-father has commenced legal proceedings and even threatened us with a restraining order when we sent a message to step-daughter saying we loved her. Step-father is ASKING my husband to hand over PR and custody and of course given my step daugther is grieving and doesn't want anything else to change is saying she wants the same arrangements. We are looking at things for her future not the here and now but we are now being forced into a custody battle which we didn't want to put my step-daughter through. I'm broken hearted for my step-daughter but I am distraught that she won't speak to us and the longer it goes on the worse it's going to be when contact resumes. Everything has to be a fight with the step-father and it's just not necessary and is going to impact my step-daughter further. If anyone has had similar experience I would be interested to hear how you dealt with the situation.

OP posts:
Wdigin2this · 17/04/2015 23:59

Tiger, I fully sympathise with the delicacy of this situation and your worry about causing further upset, but I don't understand what you mean by, 'the courts will award PR, regardless of my husband's opinion'? It's not about his opinion, he already has full rights to expect his daughter to move into his home since her other parent has died! Obviously she is grieving, and doesn't want any more trauma/change in her life, but I would be very nervous of leaving the situation as it is for too long! You said earlier that the SF has emotionally abused both children in the past, what if that is what's happening right now?!

wannaBe · 18/04/2015 01:23

(Hmm)

lunar1 · 18/04/2015 05:00

Is post on legal, I don't think school are allowed to do that.

CheerfulYank · 18/04/2015 05:09

He is her only legal parent, they can't stop him!

PeruvianFoodLover · 18/04/2015 07:11

I hope others who read this post in the future don't lose hope if they find themselves in a similar situation.

I can only surmise that there has been a catastrophic failure by all the agencies with whom the OPs DH has been working. Solicitors, social workers and schools are all charged with maintaining the human right of a child to have a relationship with their parents. That is the underlying motivation of ALL legislation regarding children.

The fact that in this case, all of them seem to be actively preventing that from happening is indicative of things having gone badly wrong - which may well be exposed in a subsequent case review or enquiry.

This is evidently a unique case - of the sort that make headlines. It is not representative of the way in which professionals handle these types of cases on a daily basis.

maccie · 18/04/2015 08:06

Tiger there surely must be some kind of emergency court hearing that can be applied for so that the current PR can be enforced ?

I would absolutely go to war with the school for their actions over this but not right now as they are not the priority. Ask the school for their complaints procedure and follow it to the letter.

At least the lines of communication are open again. It will be interesting to see if she responds over the weekend now that she is back under the SF gaze.

I am so sorry OP. your DH appears to have been very badly let down by every part of the system. Do not give up. DSD is a grieving 14 year old and is not the best person to make long term decisions regarding her future.

Justusemyname · 18/04/2015 14:26

School seem really out of order there unless they are privy to something you are not.

I would take her and worry about it going against you in court later.

Is it possible there is something wrong going on re the step father? Why is she so intent on staying there or is it not so much she wants to be with the sf but not with her father and you?

Joyfulldeathsquad · 18/04/2015 18:29

Op why have you not informed SS? I think the SF maybe emotionally abusinging her. For her to be so adamant that she must stay with him I think somthing unhealthy is going on. He could be saying all sorts to her.

Change solicitors. I think it's very strange that a man with no legal ties seems to have more PR than her own father. Hmm

textfan · 18/04/2015 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madamtremain · 18/04/2015 20:30

Online shopping on a set day every week.
Meal planning.
Sharing childcare with a friend if you're doing one day a week from home to do the school run.
I paid our cleaner £8 an hour for two hours per week on a Monday to sort things out after the weekend.

You'll cope just fine without having that fourth "child" to look after Wink

madamtremain · 18/04/2015 20:43

So sorry! Wrong thread!

YellowTulips · 19/04/2015 18:27

Hope you are ok OP and have made some positive progress Thanks

SirDiddymus · 21/04/2015 16:56

Any updates OP?

Original poster
Tiger13 · 21/04/2015 18:33

We've been informed had we brought her back with my DH he would be arrested and given her age it has to be what she wants. Situation doesn't appear to be getting better any time soon. If ever.

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 21/04/2015 18:36

Informed by who? Surely it is worth the small risk that a FATHER be arrested for taking his own DAUGHTER into his home with him. Please push this, as others have said, you don't know what the SF is saying or doing to her. He seems to have it cushy now doesn't he, how will it feel handing over your money to a man not related to your SD to look after her, when she has a willing and able father to do so!

PeruvianFoodLover · 21/04/2015 18:48

tiger I implore you, please consider sharing more fully your situation - because if this thread is read in the future by others in the same tragic situation, the fear of arrest, and negative consequences, may prevent them from acting to protect an abused child.

I appreciate your need to release some of the stress you are experiencing in RL by "talking" to people who don't know you here on MN, and I'm not for one minute asking you to divulge more information than you are comfortable with here on !n, but at the same time, please consider the picture you are painting - I realise that it is not complete, and that your situation will have unique features that you have not shared - but it could be read in the future by other parents, who take it at face value, with potentially tragic consequences.

madamtremain · 21/04/2015 19:25

I'm sorry but a 14 year olds wishes and feelings are not ever taken in to account if those wishes and feelings are that she wants to live with an unrelated man who has no PR.

It jus isn't true.

maccie · 21/04/2015 20:38

I don't know who has 'informed'you tiger but they are absolutely wrong about this. The law is absolutely clear on this.

You are being conned or lied to misled or there is more to this than you can reveal.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 21/04/2015 21:26

Informed by who ?

YellowTulips · 21/04/2015 22:45

I'm not sure why the OP is getting such aggressive posts tbh.

Given the circumstances I think they would have received advice from appropriate sources.

Perhaps we could be a bit more supportive?

I'm sorry to hear your still in the same position. Is there any way you can contact DSD without her SF intercepting the comms? Maybe a letter passed to her at school?

Original poster
Tiger13 · 21/04/2015 23:10

Yellow Tulips- thank you.
You must understand that I'm not posting things that are not true. I have been advised via an organisation that will in due course be officially involved that had my DH tried to take her from the school or anywhere else for that matter than he would be arrested for 'taking someone against their will' father or not. If she was younger it would have been deemed acceptable... I think.
We have been told we have two options fight it despite being what DSD wants and she will give a statement to the court to that affect anyway or not fight and not put her through a court battle which could take 6-12 months by which time she will be almost 16 and can decide for herself where she wants to be and we couldn't do anything about it.
We absolutely want to fight, we want what's best for her and like a lot of comments although it's what she wants it's not necessarily what's right for her. We were also advised that even if we won and she still said she didn't want to live with us we couldn't force her. I don't understand how the law in this country is so stacked against a loving biological father that has always been in a child's life and up until recently had the best relationship with the child. It's mind boggling and disgusting. Where has the logic gone that it takes two people to have a child?!?!?

OP posts:
Joyfulldeathsquad · 21/04/2015 23:30

I think posters are giving support but op your answers are really ambiguous. Which organisation is giving you this advice?

I cant fathom why an 'organisation' would advocate leaving a child (as legally she is one) with a man who has no PR and isnt biological relative.

The man could be doing and saying anything to this child and tbh your no further on than when you started the tbread. What proactive measures are you taking?

If dsd had moved in with a 50 year old male 'friend' im sure the advice wouldn't be leave her be.

Something is not sitting right. Why are the schools closing rank in support of a non RP? They normally stay impartsil. Who is telling you DH will get arrested for collecting his own dd?

Jux · 21/04/2015 23:41

If what you have told us is the full story then I am very concerned. My dd is 15 and if she hooked up with a cult, then because she's 15, dh and I couldn't go and get her out.

That is very worrying.

This can't be all there is to it.

OP I'm truly sorry to read your latest post and see dsd is still not at home with you and her dad.

YellowTulips · 22/04/2015 00:40

It sounds like a living nightmare Thanks

I've no advice other than to try and keep comms open - even if they are one sided right now.

Send letters and keep copies.

At 15 she's probably a Facebook addict so is that a possible route?

FWIW I believe you - contact with my DSD at the same age is pretty much on her terms right now.

Thankfully there are no issues - she's just at an age where friends are her priority.

Even in a close relationship it's a change of pace that we are having to accommodate - forcing her would only alienate her.

Your issues have a whole other level of magnitude and complexity. Ultimately you have to play the long game here.

maccie · 22/04/2015 07:53

My guess would be that cafcass or SS is the 'organisation' both of whom could have there own viewpoint that an be heavily phrased as fact when it is not the legal position right now.

I have had experience of facing them and being told how the situation WOULD be going. They were wrong. My legal team made sure they were wrong. SS were seriously out of order to tell me in that way and my legal advisors laughed and made one phone call to put them straight.

You NEED a good legal team behind you and you need to be wary of whose info you are listening to tiger.

You could ask for an emergency hearing now to have your daughters residency decided for the short term. The fact that your husband is the only person with PR and contact is being prevented when you want to support a grieving child will go in your favour. If you lose that hearing you are in no worse a position than you are now but she could be order to reside with you