Give me strength

[Tiger13]

Hello, I'm new to mumsnet and would love to get some advice. My step-daughters mum has recently died and now won't contact either me or my husband. Her control freak of a step-father has commenced legal proceedings and even threatened us with a restraining order when we sent a message to step-daughter saying we loved her. Step-father is ASKING my husband to hand over PR and custody and of course given my step daugther is grieving and doesn't want anything else to change is saying she wants the same arrangements. We are looking at things for her future not the here and now but we are now being forced into a custody battle which we didn't want to put my step-daughter through. I'm broken hearted for my step-daughter but I am distraught that she won't speak to us and the longer it goes on the worse it's going to be when contact resumes. Everything has to be a fight with the step-father and it's just not necessary and is going to impact my step-daughter further. If anyone has had similar experience I would be interested to hear how you dealt with the situation.

The police do not have the power to decide to listen her. That is why I suggested taking a solicitor with you and forewarning the police.

A court could eventually listen to DSD's viewpoint but not the police.

Why not ask for this to be moved to the legal topic as they offer fantastic advice over there.

Honestly we want to help you but you seem too scared to take action that you are legally allowed to

OP, I can see where you are coming from but I also think drastic action is needed, even if just so that you can speak to her without her frankly abusive sounding stepfather involved at all.

I think I would take steps to retrieve her from the stepfather's house asap as suggested above, not in order to keep her with you permanently but to have a chance to speak to her privately and without his pressure.

Collect her with legal backing and then insist that she stays a couple of nights at least to talk. Tell her you understand that she does not want to make any decisions right now and that is fine - you will be taking her back to her mother's home after you have spoken. Tell her you understand that long term she may want to keep in touch with her stepdad and that is fine, you have no wish to see them estranged. HOWEVER. Tell her also that things have changed whether she likes them or not, and that you will be taking steps to see her live with you in the near future - because the way her stepfather is behaving is very damaging.

Document everything that is happening now, with his blocking contact, and go and get her. It IS more important than 'respecting her wishes' right now. Frankly, it sound as if she is so traumatised that she will listen to whoever is shouting and threatening the loudest and if she's had a previously better relationship with you, she may feel relieved when she's actually made to come to your house and away from him.

Upsetting a 14 year old girl that has just lost her mum... yes my husband does not want to do that

Not "upsetting" a non-resident teenage child is a common motivation for many fathers - I'll hazard a guess that the reason your DH and his DD have maintained their relationship up until her mums death despite high conflict between the households is because your DH has taken the path of least resistance - fearing that his DD will "opt out" of contact if he upsets her?

Unfortunately, your DH is no longer the NRP, he is his DDs ONLY parent, and there is no magic solution to the situation. Your DH has a legal, and moral, responsibility to protect his DD - regardless of her feelings or opinion of his actions. Action or inaction will upset her - the only difference is when the consequences will manifest themselves. Leaving her where she is now only delays the damage and hurt it causes her.

Your DSD stepfathers actions are misguided at best and abusive at worst. Who knows what is going through his mind? Are there cultural obligations that your DSD will be expected to fulfil - for instance, becoming homemaker and carer for the younger DCs and her stepdad?

If your DH is unwilling to act, then I fear he will lose his DD. I just hope that she has the opportunity for love and happiness rather than abuse and misery.

Oh and the court will award PR regardless of my husband's opinion on the matter.

If you know this to be the case as a matter of fact - despite precedent and legal guidance - then there is a great deal more to the circumstances than you have shared on this thread. Courts do not award stepparents with PR of their stepchildren against the wishes of parents unless the parent is unsuitable.

Our solicitor has advised us that that would be the case.
We would happily do as you suggested but again we are thinking long term and we aren't doing nothing. We have allowed time for the funeral to take place and time to grieve. This isn't going to happen over night I know but we don't want to make things worse for DSD.

What we want to do and what we should do legally and emotionally are all different.

Even if DSD lives with sf part of the time they will award PR.

If you have been given advice by a solicitor that you DSD stepfather would be awarded PR against the wishes of her father, then either your DH has a poor solicitor, or more likely, there is a great deal more to the situation than you have outlined here.

No one can advise you, or even share similar experiences as you have asked, if you have chosen not to share all the information.

Good luck.

We have taken our solicitors advice and from the research we've done online everything seems to suggest that if the courts awarded any time of residency to sf that PR would be granted at the same time.

PeruvianFoodLover- I've outlined the situation.
I haven't gone into the ins and outs of how bad the relationship between SF and my husband is but that's not relevant.

Yes if you are contemplating her living with SF partially then they probably will award PR.

Why are you considering that though ? She shouldn't be living there part time if her mother is no longer there.

Please speak to the solicitors on the legal board OP, just to see how other family lawyers see it. This is a very important stage that you cannot afford to get wrong.

You should be considering contact for the SF, for your DSD's benefit, but not sharing care with him. He is not a replacement parent now that the mum has died. Your DH is the only parent left and he needs to get very vocal on that point with everyone concerned.

Also look into the family rights group as they are extremely knowledgable and very helpful. Your DH needs some backup here and your solicitor seems pretty poor at enforcing your rights

tiger. courts no longer award "residency". Your research is out of date.

And if the relationship between your DH and his DDs stepfather has been volient or abusive, then that is VERY relevant to where a court would deem it most suitable for a DC to live.

Your husband has to do everything he can to make sure his daughter knows he loves her and wants to support her. Don't give up on her for whatever reason. Even if she won't respond its actions that show love, not empty words. How long has the step father been in her life? It all sounds very worrying that he is being as he is over the Child? You say abuse has gone on, have you reported that and is there any possibility there has been other forms of abuse?

Stay united and get professional advice. Good luck.

And a very poor relationship between your DH and the SF is even more of a reason that co-parenting (which they would effectively have)will not work.

The step father has tried to drag my husband from a moving vehicle in the past. He threatened him last year but the police did nothing.

We will never give up on DSD that's not what this is about. Its about doing what is right for her and I take the points made on the legal side of it which is what we are trying to do but we also have to consider the emotional well being of a 14 year old girl. The SF has been in her life since she was 2.

The abuse I described is controlling her behaviour, emotionally blackmailing her, isolating her when she's wanted to spend time with us. Her mother assaulted her last year and we reported all of it and once again they fooled social services and the police. It has been incredibly difficult for my DSD to be involved in the middle of it.

Allowing this to carry on will result in losing DSD permanently. Either through her thinking you don't care or through her SF's manipulation.

You should not be aiming to go to court and have them approve her moving to you, or to have SS approve you to move her. If you wait that long and follow that path you will never get your DSD with you, it will be too late.

DSD needs to come to you now and then make them prove that she doesn't belong with her ONLY LIVING PARENT. unless you have reason to believe that they could prove that.

I have no reason to believe that. I 100% believe living with us would be the best thing for her.

Your dh needs to go get his dd. He is the only person with a legal right to have her living with him. Whatever the shortterm consequences, he needs to get his daughter back. How old is his ds?

Okay we have cross posted and my last post now seems very harsh. Sorry.

I understand your reluctance to upset DSD any further but her SF will have no such qualms and she will be alone trying to cope with that. After your last update about SF and his emotional blackmail on her it is even more urgent.

Your lack of immediate action will become unchangeable in the future. Please seek different legal advice, or advise your solicitor that you are going to remove her and ask for the correct way to do this legally.

The son is 18 in June.

We haven't takent the route of going to get her for fear of the impact on her and the legal position but from all the comments above I now almost feel foolish. We just didn't want to barge in and make things worse.
When DSD is with us we have a great time and we are open and honest. I think part of the reason for not removing her from SF's house is because of her lack of contact. It's just not like her. We have tried to come at it from every angle and cannot work out why.

She is not going to be the first to make contact, so stop waiting. She is being controlled and lied to, she is no doubt frightened that life as she knew it is crashing down around her, and she will be frightened to leave her mum's house as it is a connection to mum. But she needs Daddy to come in now and make her feel secure and help her through the grieving process and give her a home with her surviving parent. He can pick her up from school and bring her home.
Your dh does not need to co-parent with the sf.

We have contacted her and she hasn't responded.

Are there younger siblings? My DDs are now a little older, but had I died when they were around 14, I would have expected them to want to stay with their Stepfather and younger brother in our family home. They wouldn't have wanted to go live with their Dad. (particularly as that would have meant changing schools too), and moving away from friends and grandparents.

It may be that the desire to stay living in familiar surroundings with younger siblings is driving this. The reason for no-contact may simply be because she isn't able to handle the conversation or to upset your DH by telling him that's what she wants.

Of course it could be that she is being pressured by her SF, so I think you need to find another family member or friend to speak to DSD more neutrally to find out the true situation..

Alternatively, could you pick her up early from school one day, so that you can talk, and then return her home pending next steps..

Fear could be a reason OP. DSD no longer has a buffer between her and her SF. She has tried to stand up for herself in the past and yet so far the system( SS and police ) has let her down as she still had to stay there. She won't believe her dad can save her so why put herself at risk of her SF's anger.

Could the schools pastoral care arrange for a quiet room at school where DH and DSD could talk in private ?

There are no younger siblings. I don't think she'll want to be away from her brother however he very much seems to be back into normal life already so hoe much longer she'll feel like that I don't know.

The school have been ridiculous so far saying it's not their role to faciliate contact and as soon as my husband rang the school yesterday they contacted the SF.

BlueStringPudding- i think you're right. I don't think she'll want anything else to change.

You could message a poster called Spero. She is a fantastic family lawyer and regularly advises on the legal boards. With a brief outline of the situation she could maybe recommend a new solicitor or an alternative plan of action. You really need to act soon though OP.