Sleeping arrangements - DS x 2, SS and DD

[MummyA1984]

Do people think it's ok for my DS 9 and DD 4 to share a room the nights he stays over? Is he too old to be expected to share with a 4 yo girl?

We haven't had much contact with SS due to his mum so dd doesn't really know him at all. They've only met 3 or 4 times, she seems to like him tho. I'm just feeling unsure if it's the right thing to do to put them in together? I don't see we have much of an alternative in fairness...

Thanks

Sorry I meant DSS not DS.. My iPad changes it

Am confused now, what children do you actually have? What rooms do you have available?

Is it DS x 2, 1 x DSS and 1 DD? If so is there a reason why DSS can't share with DSs?

Sorry I did not explain this well! DS is 2 but he has a big pirate ship bed and small ish room so no room for ever a fold out bed in his room. Other DS is 6 months and his nursery is currently being decorated and he's in our room so both DS's rooms are not really options I'm thinking...

Should be ok. Alternatively, let him have your DD's room and put her in bed with you.

I don't see an issue with it as long as both children seem happy. The council deem it acceptable for children of different sexes to share a room up until the age of 10 yo.

Obviously you will need to look at the sleeping arrangements very soon as DSS is 9 but in the short term I would say it is ok.

I'm very reluctant to shift the kids out their rooms to let him have them. I think that's incredibly unfair and they would feel pushed out their own space. Dd already feels a bit stressed about him taking over her Dad, obviously that's not the case as he's their dad not just hers but she's trying to understand and adapt. It's hard for everyone isn't it. That's interesting about the age being 10 to not share. We will have to think about that then. SS mum is always letting him come a few times then comes up with reasons he's not allowed contact so it probably won't last long but we've just done up the two older kids rooms so I certainly don't want to swap their rooms round so that SS can go in with DS. It's cost a lot of money to have them decorated etc..

I know it is difficult but your DSS deserves a space in his fathers house. That is what is fair. It doesn't have to be his own room he can share with one of your boys. Also don't punish the child by not giving him a place in your home just because his mother is flakey. That is not fair at all.

He is not a second class citizen OP he is your husband's son and your childrens sibling. How would you feel if you and DH split up and your children were not given adequate sleeping space because their SM had redecorated her children's room and didn't want to change that?

Oh and his father needs to step up and sort out proper access as it really isn't fair on anyone including your children as they cannot build any bonds.

And I answered her Dixie in my first post. My second was in response to her stating she is reluctant to move her children about and deems it unfair on them. There is no mention how it is unfair on DSS not to have space shared or otherwise.

My dsd shared with dd. I made it both dd's nursery and dsd's bedroom when it got decorated. How about doing something like that with the room you are making a nursery?

How about putting your two little ones in together when he visits.

My youngest used to share a room with us when his step siblings visited. Not ideal but gives him his own space. Little ones won't mind.

My LA state 10 yo. I was giving that age as a guide as to what LA deem acceptable for different sexes to share a room.

Dixie please feel free to add your own advice to the thread instead of picking mine apart

SYes Dixie I have read the post and understand perfectly what to OP is saying.

They live in a 4 bedroomed house.
3 DC have their own rooms ( 1 being decorated 1 too small to house another bed and one which is DD)
OP wanted to know if a 9 yo DSS could share with a 4 yo DD.
I said imo yes but as a guide LA feel at 10 yo different sexes should not share.
OP states all rooms have been decorated which is expensive and she is reluctant to swap things around to accommodate DSS and it is unfair to her children.
What do you proposes she do given those facts oh wise Dixie?

Lets be honest - yes the 9yr old DSS can share with his 4 yr old half sister

However, OP, knew her DP had a son. Contact may have been erratic but has chosen to decorate the rooms with a total disregard for ALL the children in the family. Rather than putting the mega pirate bed in the 2yr olds room, then maybe making space for the other child in that room, small bed - so the poor sod might vaguely feel welcome in HIS fathers house would have been considerate!

The attitude of a 4yr old that HER father might be taken away by HER brother, is a direct result of the attitude of the people parenting her and reflects poorly on the OP and her DP that a young child feels this way.

At no poin,t do I think one room should be made a shrine to her DSS, but this dilemma could have been avoided with a little forethought and consideration for the poor 9 yr old. I accept her DCs are her priority but her DP needs to represent ALL his children and not let the OP sideline him.

I feel intensely sorry for your DSS, he will share a room with a "girl", who is likely to cry that he is taking her Dad away and he has nowhere he can go in a corner and have his own space in his other family.

sorry this represents piss poor planning and total disregard for a 9yr old child.

Flossymoo I have never said I'm not willing for my SS to have space in our home I'm saying I'm not willing to make my kids give up theirs for him, they can share of course but I'm no way going to kick my dd out her room each time he wants to stay - that's what I'm saying is unfair. He is as welcome in our house as every other member of this family and I'm delighted he wishes to stay, I just want to get it right for everyone. As for saying my dh needs to step up, well we've been through court about 8 times, every time it's cost us around £900 and she gets a telling off, told to start contact again, threatened with community service then a few weeks later she cuts all contact and refuses he's allowed to come. We last went to cout 3 years ago and agreed after it got us in thousands of pounds debt we couldn't keep going back. We had to think about being able to afford to live! I didn't expect to have to explain all this to some judgemental know it all but there u go...

Thanks to Dixie for your advice anyway, least someone is helpful x

A nine year old will not want to share with four year old step sister.

You need need to sort out a more permanent and suitable arrangement - bunk beds in one of the boys rooms perhaps? and his own area to keep some things and as *Flossy^ says his father needs to work on formalising proper access so his visits are something that are normal not a big upheaval for everyone.

For crying out loud! How is Flossy a judgmental know it all? She can't read your mind! How can she know all that. It is perfectly normal to expect that access should be formalised and to wonder why it hasn't been? She didn't judge, she offered advice based on the OP and information YOU gave.

Personally I STILL think you should not be thinking in terms of "giving up space" but rather making space for ANOTHER child of the family.

OP says it is the mother that stops DSS staying over nothing to do with DSS not wanting to. I would imagine if DSS has some space and felt he had a place in his fathers home instead of being viewed as an inconvenience ( not saying you view it this way OP) then he would probably be happy to stay more.

I'd say it's fine op. My 2 DSC share with their DB (my ds). And that's all with 6 years inbeteewn each of them!