Sleeping arrangements - DS x 2, SS and DD

[MummyA1984]

Do people think it's ok for my DS 9 and DD 4 to share a room the nights he stays over? Is he too old to be expected to share with a 4 yo girl?

We haven't had much contact with SS due to his mum so dd doesn't really know him at all. They've only met 3 or 4 times, she seems to like him tho. I'm just feeling unsure if it's the right thing to do to put them in together? I don't see we have much of an alternative in fairness...

Thanks

Maybe op spent time and money on redecorating because she's seen the court system fail their family time and time again. Maybe she didn't feel there was any point in creating a space "just in case".

I would always make sure my children had a space in my home. Especially when the lack of contact is not the child's fault and in a few years will be old enough to decide he wants contact with his father. I suppose I would prefer my children to know that I never wrote them off and always had a place for them in my home.

Petal but the DSS isn't any other sort of relative, he's one of their children, even if he isn't there very often. What sort of home they make for him will determine whether he will want to be there very often, if he gets any say in the matter.

Unless making the home unwelcome in case he wants to stay more in the future is the OP's real agenda...

I have to say I'm with petal

We used to live in a 2 bed house as that's all we could afford, dsd and dss had to share a room they were 14 and 9 when this started and it continued till last year when they were 16 and 11, we made the best of it, dss has a high sleeper bed and dsd's bed went under it then she had a curtain round it for privacy, luckily it was a large room so their was space to divide it with a curtain down the middle with their drawers, toys etc on either side.

Last year we were fortunate enough to be able to buy a 3 bedroom house but I'm expecting a baby in march, the 3rd bedroom is going to be the baby's room and dsc continue to share. The way both I and DP see it is that they are only here 11 weeks of the year (they come for school holidays due to how far away they live it's not possible to have them for weekends sadly), they have a room each at their mum's and most of their stuff is there, they still have a bed, chest of drawers, toy/art storage each but they have to share a room. DS when he arrives will only have 1 room in which to store all his stuff and will be a permanent member of the household and therefore takes priority over those not here all the time. If one of the dsc decided to move in with us then the 2nd bedroom will become theirs as they will then become a permanent member of the household and the visiting child will have a blow up bed/camp bed/sofa to sleep on whilst here. If both decide to move in then obviously we will shuffle rooms so that the boys share and dsd will get the small room.

As a compromise to dsc sharing, the conservatory has been turned into a sort of den for them, there's a TV, playstation, sofa etc out their so the bedroom is literally the place they sleep in, there is an additional living space which is where dss spends most of the day and dsd tends to stay in the bedroom then in the evening they swap so when dss goes to bed dsd goes into the conservatory to watch TV and Facebook her friends. Is this possible OP? Do you have a space which could be turned into a den so dss is literally just using the bedroom as a place to sleep?

We discussed the bedroom situation and our reasons with dsc and they are more than happy with the way things are, if either of them seemed unhappy we would reconsider but for us it works and they are certainly not 2nd class members of the family they are a very important part of our family they just aren't here all the time.

But, smiling, you did consider what would be space for the DSCs, and they do at least have their own beds (and you've talked it over with them). The DSS in the OP's post doesn't seem to have been considered properly at all.

To be fair, I would asks DSS to remove pics of me I didn't want anyone else seeing. He has taken some in the past but he understood and it wasn't a problem. He can take pics of dS (his brother) though

That sounds pretty reasonable mumsrush. There is a difference between asking for photos to be deleted and scrolling through the phone deleting them yourself (and then crowing about the child's phone breaking ). One is respectful, the other isn't.

I would always make sure my children had a space in my home. Especially when the lack of contact is not the child's fault and in a few years will be old enough to decide he wants contact with his father. I suppose I would prefer my children to know that I never wrote them off and always had a place for them in my home.

Yes THIS

they have a room each at their mum's and most of their stuff is there, they still have a bed, chest of drawers, toy/art storage each but they have to share a room. DS when he arrives will only have 1 room in which to store all his stuff and will be a permanent member of the household and therefore takes priority over those not here all the time

Forgive the numbering - I just find it easier.

1. why do step parents frequently present two bedrooms as something to aspire to whilst suggesting that resident child are somehow missing out when they have only one? I don't get that. I am not aware of any children within separated families who would prefer separated parents and two bedrooms to one bedroom and non-separated parents. A bedroom tally is not some kind of win, is it?
2. Your partner's children are absolutely permanent members of their father's household. They are just not there all the time.
3. Your joint child should not take priority in the children pecking order for your partner, even if it is natural he will for you. His children should be of equal priority to him. Your partner does not stop being your step children's father when they are with their mother.

I don't disagree that your child should have his own room and your step children have to share. However, the way you present it feels...very wrong.

why do step parents frequently present two bedrooms as something to aspire to

SOME step-parents fedup

I'd never question a child would of course prefer to have their mum and dad together and one bedroom, but that's not the case, this is the SP board so it's not really an option

It's a question of needing to feel fully at home in two places (homes) though, isn't it?

It isn't a mere bed allocation riddle.

(An issue of emotional intelligence not grudging arithmetic)

Totally agree with that. It's not about the beds/bedrooms, or how often they stay - it's about making them feel welcome, like it's their home too, their family too. It's about having fun together, making memories together, just being together. And it's possible to achieve that regardless of the dynamics between the parents, or any hostility from an NRP.

I'd never question a child would of course prefer to have their mum and dad together and one bedroom, but that's not the case, this is the SP board so it's not really an option

Of course. But the suggestion seems to be that because a child has a bedroom in one place, he/she shouldn't have a bedroom in another place. Or, a child in a house full-time where there are other children who come and go is somehow at a disadvantage because they don't have two bedrooms so therefore it is OK that they have the biggest/best/only etc. etc. Or a child with two bedrooms is supposed to be grateful or is somehow 'lucky' or other such positivity. It's pretty crap being a child with two bedrooms, isn't it?

I've never taken it to mean a rc is at a disadvantage because they don't have two rooms and I've never thought of it like that but more that they may not want to share their one room.

Also, if I had a room for each child I would give the bigger room to the rc, and the smaller to the nrc. Purely because the rc need to get ALL their stuff in that one place and the nrc has another place to put their stuff (over two locations). Anyway, I've gone off the beaten track now,

Your partner’s children are absolutely permanent members of their father’s household, they are just not there all the time

So ….. if they’re not there all the time (or, in the case of the OP, hardly there at all) then I don’t think they’re really permanent members of the household, are they? They’re permanent members of another household, usually their mother’s. You can’t be both ‘permanent’ and ‘absent.’ It’s one or the other. I accept there are 50/50 arrangements, or a regular EOW, but when it’s sporadic ????

Maybe it's better described as permanent members of the family and not the household?

They are permanent members of the family and this child needs to know that even though he can't be there often through no fault of his own he is thought of and not some add on problem.

So ….. if they’re not there all the time (or, in the case of the OP, hardly there at all) then I don’t think they’re really permanent members of the household, are they?

Exactly Petal Household v Family. Important distinction.

Despite not being constantly resident in the household, they are permenant members of the family and need to feel as such

Yes, I agree you can be permanent member of the family, even if not a permanent member of household. But if you're not a permanent member of the household, then surely you don't need permanent space?

None of the above means you can't be made welcome though.

Because for a child when they are with a parent having a small space makes them feel wanted and part of that family. It is a simple thing but has a great impact on a child. If the child is aware he is given a temporary space while he is there he will feel "forgotten" about when he goes back to mums. Not very nice and not very inclusive is it?

Yes, I agree you can be permanent member of the family, even if not a permanent member of household. But if you're not a permanent member of the household, then surely you don't need permanent space?

Of course you do

Because you ARE a member of the family. Not a guest.

It doesn't have to be a whole room, or even a permenant bed, if space is super-tight, but a (pull-out?) bed, a chest of drawers, some storage, some pictures, some belongings, some kind of permenant space of your own. Yes, of course you do.

fedup

1. I certainly don't think having 2 bedrooms is something to aspire to, my point is that my dsc have very little here (very little NOT nothing) compared to what their sibling will have so space is divided by need, the child who lives here permanently gets the bigger space, if they all lived here permanently the space would be allocated differently, if dsc where here every other weekend it would be allocated differently. The fact is they are here a maximum of 10 days at any one time usually less 99% of their belongings are at their mum's, here they have clothes, a bed, other things they leave and space to store anything they bring, they also have another room that is solely for their use when they are here, they have a space in the house because it is also their home, they just don't have a room each.
2. They are not permanent members of the household as they do not live here permanently they are however permanent members of this family and equally as important.
3. When did I say anything about my dsc being less important than my biological child, as far as I'm concerned all 3 children are members of this family, since when did having your own bedroom = being important.

Perhaps my post wasn't worded in the way I meant it but I assure you EVERY Child in this house has a place whether they have their own room or not.