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Original poster

Sleeping arrangements - DS x 2, SS and DD

159 replies

MummyA1984 · 27/01/2015 18:26

Do people think it's ok for my DS 9 and DD 4 to share a room the nights he stays over? Is he too old to be expected to share with a 4 yo girl?

We haven't had much contact with SS due to his mum so dd doesn't really know him at all. They've only met 3 or 4 times, she seems to like him tho. I'm just feeling unsure if it's the right thing to do to put them in together? I don't see we have much of an alternative in fairness...

Thanks

OP posts:
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FlossyMoo · 27/01/2015 22:12

They have plenty of space. They have 4 bedrooms and 3 children of the same gender!

How is he made to feel welcome when the other 3 childrens space is deemed more precious than his?

Quesera21 · 27/01/2015 22:59

I do not understand why your 4 yr old has only seen DSS 3-4 times in her life.

Yet you say you have been to court 8 times over what 5 yrs, contact restarts and then it stops.

You are obviously a v good mum to your DCS.

Try to see it through DSS eyes, Dad obviously left when he was about 4 yrs old. He will now understand what that means. ( that is assuming your 4 yr old and a 9 month pregnancy) He wants to come and see his Dad and his brothers and sisters, but through no fault of his own this has been on and off for a few years.

His wish to come is obviously coming from a child who is starting to make decisions/express his opinion. He comes and finds nowhere for him to fit into the new nuclear family and he gets cried at by his sibs for stealing "THEIR" Daddy. Daddy has paid for nice rooms for his brothers and sisters and he has ........Irrelevant what is at home, what Dad pays for in other house - a little square should have been his - somewhere before the recent/not so recent 3 yr old redecorations - which were before most of the sporadic contact etc.

He has a tough road to negotiate and the poor kid is 9yrs old.

Quesera21 · 27/01/2015 23:14

MummyA1984 - I have just been perusing another thread that you have posted on and the eau de troll/ something unpleasant is underfoot!

On that thread you state:
" We've just been through this as dh bought SS an iPhone. I deleted any pics off it before he went home - any that had us in and any videos. Luckily (sorry to be mean) he's broken the phone!!"

So the not so sporadic DSS, does come already and you delete all his pics - gross violation of his privacy, coupled with your statements on here - not sure what is true but you are seriously not coming across well in your attitude to your DSS.

Last comment on this thread by me - as I think you have pooped in your own........!

Am so desperate to ask another question but after years of lurking and finally screwing up courage to post, will probably get banned before I make a presence!

FlossyMoo · 27/01/2015 23:49

DO IIITTT!!! Grin

Ask that question. Or pm me and I will ask Grin

frazzled74 · 28/01/2015 00:03

We have had this problem, dcs have their own rooms , dss makes irregular visits, not worth making a permanent space for him when we are already short on room. I feel that dss has his own room/space at home with his mum. We tend to have sleepovers in one room with sleeping bags DVD so that all siblings can bond, or I give him youngest dcs room and she sleeps with us, ( depends on length of stay).

PerpendicularVincenzo · 28/01/2015 01:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlossyMoo · 28/01/2015 01:43

See that is the difference Frazz you make the room. You make it fun for all the children. You are not saying he doesn't deserve his own space just that it's not possible. However you are willing to move DC around without question to accommodate DSS. The OP isn't without stating first how unfair it is on her DC and how she is reluctant to give HIM space seen as he isn't here often.

ArsenicFaceCream · 28/01/2015 01:45

So when you allocated the (four) bedrooms to your three biological DC in the way you did and bought the enormo-pirate-bed, you had decided your (D?)SS would never be staying at your house again?

Had your DH decided this too?

FlossyMoo · 28/01/2015 01:48

Good question Arse but sadly I think the OP has flounced done one so will never answer.

ArsenicFaceCream · 28/01/2015 01:52

Oh there was another page....

Quesera don't get banned, you have a good nose Grin

ArsenicFaceCream · 28/01/2015 01:53

Hello Floss Smile

You think? Maybe she didn't like the questions Sad

FlossyMoo · 28/01/2015 02:01

Nahhh tis cos I am judgemental and evil Grin

ArsenicFaceCream · 28/01/2015 02:04

According to the stasi who stands at her front door like a border guard, deleting the electronic media of her relatives as they leave her house.

I'd lose sleep if I were you Floss, you big witch in in sheep's fleece Grin

FlossyMoo · 28/01/2015 02:13

Ha ha ha Grin

TheJingleMumsRush · 28/01/2015 07:50

To be fair, I would asks DSS to remove pics of me I didn't want anyone else seeing. He has taken some in the past but he understood and it wasn't a problem. He can take pics of dS (his brother) though.

needsomeunderstanding · 28/01/2015 08:57

I think the op has had a tough time. She's trying her best but rightly doesn't feel everyone else should be uprooted for a child they barely see. If the child is being alienated by mum, it's likely that no matter what you give and sacrifice, it won't help anyway.

I'd be inclined to say that he can share with his sister in the beginning and then go from there with a view to changing things in the future.

As petal points out Dss has his own space at mums and whilst I agree he should have his own space at dads, I think resident children should take priority, particularly when contact is so haphazard.

We have a double room here for my dss. He's never slept in it. We are lucky in that we don't need the room for anyone else. It hasn't made him come to ours anymore, than I suspect, if we offered him the sofa.

We have resident dc and dsc here too and they have the bigger rooms.

Petal02 · 28/01/2015 08:58

Excellent post, Needsomeunderstanding - that's what I wanted to say, but you summed it up better.

Sethspeaks · 28/01/2015 09:07

I dint get why where he was going to sleep hadn't already been discussed and decided either when there was so much court activity going on. That doesn't make sense to me. And the focus was very much on how the dd is affected and none at all about the ss came across in the posts, which again surprised me given all the court stuff. The two didn't match up in my map of the world.

FlossyMoo · 28/01/2015 10:10

I agree Seth all this apparent court toing and froing yet is seem the child was not thought of once when bedrooms were being decorated and allocated.

Needs it really doesn't make a difference if he has a space at his mums if he is staying with his dad then he deserves a space in his home too and that can be a shared room or the small room. He never asked for 2 homes it is a situation that is out of his hands so why should that mean he becomes an after thought.

Storm15 · 28/01/2015 11:35

I have pre-schooler DD and baby DD sharing so that older DSD can have her own room when she comes here. Seems the most appropriate thing to do with the space to me. The two littlest have the most similar sleeping habits / bedtime / evening routine.

If it's occasional, I shouldn't think sharing is a huge problem (it wouldn't be my choice but I don't see any terrible reason is shouldn't be yours) but only if it's occasional. If he's coming regularly (and especially if he's staying over on school nights) or is likely to, I agree with others that it would be preferable for the two littlest ones to share.

Heels99 · 28/01/2015 11:42

Why are people referring to the girl as the 'sister', is she his sister or actually are they not related at all?
Put two of the boys in together in whichever room works best. Leave the girl to her own room

FireflyLight · 28/01/2015 11:43

How regular is he going to be staying?

I think the best option is to probably have the 2 younger DS's sharing and DD have her own room and DSs have his own space when he comes. Younger DSs are very close in age too.

Again, you don't have to give him his own room. Couldn't he have one of your sons rooms whilst he's visiting? If your 2 sons share when he's visiting then you could make a game of it with them as they get older. Again, I doubt little DS would realise he's sharing for the time being anyway as he's only 6 months old.

Could he stay in with you for a couple of months when he's visiting (little DS) It really will make no bearing to him where he sleeps because of his age, as long as he's got somewhere warm and clean.

ArcheryAnnie · 28/01/2015 11:46

Bunk beds in one of the boys' rooms are the answer. If the enormo-pirate bed has to go, then so be it.

Or put the enormo-pirate bed in the room currently the nursery, and bumk beds in the former-enormo-pirate bed room.

I'm staggered at someone who has allegedly spent a lot on redecorating three childrens' rooms without taking account of somewhere to sleep for the fourth child. Even a sodding truckle bed he could call his own would seem to be the minimum.

Petal02 · 28/01/2015 12:12

We have the same problem, dss makes irregular visits, so not worth making a permanent space for him, and he already has his own room/space at home with his mum

I can’t argue with this. If you take the ‘step’ element out of the equation, I don’t think anyone would have a problem. If someone only stays occasionally, permanent space isn’t required. It doesn’t make that person any less welcome. I don’t think it’s fair to get rid of the pirate bed on account of someone who rarely stays.

If we were talking about any other sort of relative, this wouldn’t be an issue.

FlossyMoo · 28/01/2015 12:17

Will you please stop calling him someone he is not someone he is the DP's S-O-N!! You are not calling the OP's children somebodies or someones. He is not just some relative eitherHmm

The pirate bed is an extravagance and frankly not needed and I find it ridiculous that a bloody bed is the reason for this poor child is not able to have even an appropriate shared room.