Sleeping arrangements - DS x 2, SS and DD

[MummyA1984]

Do people think it's ok for my DS 9 and DD 4 to share a room the nights he stays over? Is he too old to be expected to share with a 4 yo girl?

We haven't had much contact with SS due to his mum so dd doesn't really know him at all. They've only met 3 or 4 times, she seems to like him tho. I'm just feeling unsure if it's the right thing to do to put them in together? I don't see we have much of an alternative in fairness...

Thanks

This is ridiculous. Children get older very quickly. Why all the fuss about a 9 year old when you should be creating a solution which will last for all the whole family. And the solution is so blindingly obvious that you clearly don't want to consider your DSS part of the family home you have created.

Awful behaviour from an adult.

Needaholiday there's a big big difference between a 2 bed house and 4 bed.

If in a house with 4 beds a 9 year old is only given the option to share with a 4 year old girl, he's presumably not going to think he's particularly included in the family dynamic.

Not been banned yet!!!

I do not think anyone has an issue with DSCs sharing, having a smaller room but the lack of solution for her DPs son has been one of the issues for me , from the OP. A 9yr old sharing with a 4 yr old girl is not a long term solution.

I think frazzled had it right - but in a 4 bed house and 4 children to consider, on a DSC who, let's be honest form other threads, visits a little more regularly that the OP made out - he has been purposely excluded over a number of yrs.

The issue is that 3 yrs ago there were solutions when OP "redecorated" before the DS1 was born and the DSC was very much alive and kicking.

The other issue of "stealing their" daddy has run enormous alarm bells.

The OP does not like her DSS - is the overriding feeling emanating from her posts and the lack of clear factual data and blurring of timelines makes me deeply suspicious.

As to deleting DSCs phone pics - not a chance and I know there are some of me in the shower - C'est la vie, my bod has seen better days and I know I can never compete with the 16yrs younger bimbette he ran off with!!!!!!!!

But the op says about "stealing the daddy" is obviously not the case, as he's both their dad.... ?

Yes but there is something fundamentally fishy that a 4 yr old should feel that way. That impression has been given to the 4 yr old - by the adults around her.

My 4yr old verbalised that the OW had stolen her Daddy, because the OW told her she had won and now he belonged to her. I spend my life correcting said now a bit older DD that Daddy made a choice. There is no way those words would have come from her at 4 or the concept of what she was implying.

But you don't know that, I'm not saying the op is going about this the right way but that's a big speculation. It seems quite normal to me that a 4y old may feel jealous at first.

And also, being a mum and a sm I can assure you kids will come out with the strangest things if they feel it's what a parent/sp wants to hear

que I distinctly remember at a very young age, arguing with my older step-sisters that their dad was my dad first....... as you can imagine, there was crying and howling as I realised, they were in fact older, and their dad wasn't actually my dad. I ended that argument by pointing to the couch and saying, well the couch was mine first.

So yes, I can totally see a 4yo saying something about stealing their dad, especially if they have not seen much of their brohter and are not used to him being around.

But OP has inadvertently made it clear on other posts that her DSS does come round a bit more often than she has led us to believe! This is not a first for this 4 yr old.
We talk about their new sibs and include them even though contact is sporadic. Surely the OP and her DP should have been doing this - if they have been fighting so hard for contact.

Oh and by the way as a mum and step mum, I do know, my DCs say some v odd things about their other home and this one!

I've seen the other post and I don't think it suggests that, she's not saying he's never been round, and in her other post she doesn't say anything about how frequently he visits, only that she removed pics from his phone. It just seems to me you are wanting to catch her out

Put your little two boys in a room together, dd has her own room and stepds has his own room.

Yes he will be fine sharing with dd for now but long term he will need his own space which you should have thought of before buying s sodding pirate bed.

What 5madthings and others have said. There is no point in going to court 8 times and spending £7K on legal fees only to slap the kid in the face with a pirate bed.

A related question then....my SS is with us EOWish, sometimes a bit more often, sometimes not that often (distance / DPs shift pattern). We have a 2 bed flat, and he sleeps in the 'spare' room, which because of our layout is also used as a dressing room (no room for wardrobes in our bedroom) and as the room where friends and family sleep if they stay. We have a nice brightly coloured duvet cover on the bed, his toys are in there but tidied away in boxes, and we have a special lamp for him and some of his books out on a chest of drawers. But it isn't his room as such.

Is that not good enough? His mum was put out that he doesn't have his own room here, but we simply don't have the space to reserve a room just for SS and his things when he's not here that much. If he was with us 50/50 or full time I guess we'd have to move!

You have created a space for him nooy with his own toys and his own bedding. It is a multi purpose room which is perfectly fine. By the sounds of it when he stays you do all you can to personalise his room for him so that he feels like he has a place in your home.

Flossy, I think you’re guilty of double standards here (and maybe a bit of OP-bashing). So it’s fine for nooyearnooname’s DSS to sleep in a room which is used for other purposes in his absence, but reshuffled to accommodate him during access (which sounds perfectly sensible), but if the OP does something similar (particularly bearing in mind her reshuffling involves other children) then she’s being unfair?

Erm sorry Petal double standards?

Nooy ensures he has a room to himself when he is there. He has his own bedding and toys in that room. Outside of his visits it is used by other guests. Oh and it is only a 2 bedroomed flat.

OP on the other hand has 4 bedrooms in total, 3 of the children are the same gender and she is reluctant to move her children around to accommodate her SS and they have purchased an oversized bed and redecorated with out giving a thought for SS. The two situations are completely different.

Nooy has done all she can with the space she has and has attempted to put SS stamp/identity on the room. OP has done none of that.

Neither Nooy nor the OP can reserve a room just for their DSS and his belongings when he’s not there, but both appear willing to make an effort to accommodate him when he is. And remember that the OP has 3 other children to consider. Given your harsh comments to the OP, I’m surprised you’re not berating Nooy for using the spare room as guest room/dressing room when DSS isn’t using it!

Lots of people who live in small flats (and lots who don't) end up keeping stuff in a child's bedroom, and use that bedroom for other people too. I have all my bedding and towels in ds2s bedroom and my long dresses hung up in the dds wardrobe and ds1 gets turfed out of his room every time my Mum stays.

What is less usual is to have 4dcs spread over 3 bedroom and spend a lot of time and money decorating bedrooms to accommodate the youngest 3 and put the 9 yo boy in a 4yo girls room on a fold out bed. Its Harry Potteresque.

I wish there was some kind of legal guardian for step children who made sure that they were being treated fairly.

There's a world of difference between the OP's lack of long term solution in a 4 bed house and people doing the best they can in a 2 bed home.

Don't worry nooy, what you are doing great sounds great. There is a world of difference between how you've spoken about your dss and how you've organised things and the Op.

We used to have 4 children sharing 2 rooms for years and (3 DSC 2 Boys 1 girl) our rooms are small so DSD had to share with one of the boys at some time or other. At one point it was DSD and her younger DB in one room (DB was in travel cot in her very pink room) and DSS and DS used to share. DSD and DS are a year apart in age get on much better (DSD stopped wanting to share with Db and started wanting to share with DS) so that was what happened - we had a move about DSD and DS shared and eldest DSS and his DB (youngest DSS now out of travel cot and in bed) shared.

Move on a few more years late and we do not really see eldest DSS (20 now) DSD now has a room to herself (14) although she does have to suffer a wardrobe with our clothes in it also and DS (15) has his room in which he shares nearly EW with DSS (youngest now 10).

Youngest DSS does not have his own bed as such it is a chair that folds out as a bed - he sees it very much as his bed even though he know when he is not there DS uses it to sit on to play xbox but on the odd occasion that DS isn't in the room he still insists on sleeping on his pull out chair rather than the bed in the room.

I suppose the point I am trying to make is as children get older situations change and flexibility needs to be given. I do not believe that they need their own room (I never had one when I was growing up as I had to share with a bossy older sister who certainly saw me as an inconvenience especially when she kicked me out because her mates where around) but I never questioned it because that was the way it was. I did know though that it was our shared space.

Same as the kids in our family know that they all have a share in the space that is available to them be it jumping on my bed for a chat (when I am trying to get ready) or going into each others rooms when they want to hang out together, or having somewhere to put down their head that they can call their own when they go to bed at night. They have a sense of belonging in our family and know that sometimes (like when Spanish exchange student came for a week) they have to shift about a bit.

There is nothing wrong with sharing space as long as there is a sense of belonging and having own bed (even if bed isn't actually a bed) but as they get older you may find that they express an interest in changing the arrangements because they have more in common with each other at different times.

Petal - no one is saying completely reserved never to be touched space but when they are there they have a bit to call theirs. Mine have to bring every scrap of their existence back to me. They know when they go down their the toys are not theirs and they are not allowed to play on the house ipad etc.( not allowed to take anything from here)

A 2 bed flat there are constraints, but a 4 bed house and no attempt at a little bit of space - is not acceptable.

Nooy has the right idea and sanity seeker - " a sense of belonging"

No one is trying to catch the OP out, she just keeps contradicting herself with regard to timings, coupled with her comments on other posts one can easily draw the conclusion that she really does not see her DSS as part of the family and resents his presence. She has had over the past 4 yrs, plenty of time to accommodate the DSS in the space available - she and her DP have chosen to ignore him as part of the family. Sorry a little bit of the second wife fantasy world of "if only the EX and DSCs did not exist", life would be perfect.

It might be but the reality is somewhat different and certainly for that little boy

not RTFT but- DD and DSS is not acceptable long term.

Give DD a room to herself. Put a pull out bed or twin beds in one of Ds's rooms, whichever DS you think will share best. DSS shares with him when he stays.

job done.