I don't like my stepdaughter.

[Momof3girls3boys]

Ok. Here it goes. First I want to say, I have two stepdaughters. I am raising the youngest in my home. She is in all aspects my child although I didn't give birth to her. I love her unconditionally as I do my biological children. My problem is my older stepdaughter. I have major concerns and problems with her. About a year and a half ago she accused my 7 yr old of touching her sexually. My step daughter was 8 at this time. These accusations are totally unfounded and completely untrue. Two different state child services found these claims (and others I will mention shortly) to be totally untrue. In addition due to her mother trying to revoke my husband's visitation rights a court has also concluded all the accusations to be unfounded. A year prior to this incident (so 2 1/2 yrs ago) she accused my 16 yr old of touching her inappropriately (unfounded and untrue). My stepdaughter, 2 1/2 yrs ago, told me of her kissing 2 boys and a girl at school. When asked she told me she kissed all of them with using tongues. She has also accused me (I want to let you know I am a certified teacher, I teach kindergarten) of abusing her 1 1/2 yrs ago. Now, I do believe in spanking, but with that being said, I rarely spank my children. And I would never lay a hand on someone else's child. I might give a total of one spanking a year to all my kids combined. At that time she accused her dad, my husband of holding a sword to her throat and threatening to cut her head off and that he shot her with BB guns. All of her accusations have been investigated by child protective services and my husband, myself and the children have all been found innocent of all of her accusations. My husband has decided up until this point that she would no longer come to our house, but now she will be coming for Christmas this year. I'm so nervous about her visit and really am not looking forward to it. I feel horrible about this. I am going to try to have a great Christmas with all our kids but I can't get myself to quit disliking my stepdaughter no matter how hard I try. I've defended her to my husband when this all first happened saying her mother probably put her up to saying this stuff and that she's just a child. But now that I'm faced with having her come again and possibly accuse someone of something else I feel the way my husband did at first. Please help me deal with my conflicting emotions. Tell me I'm a horrible person or whatever. I am trying to work through this and except her as my daughter.

If you feel any posts breach talk guidelines I hope you have reported them.

Personally I think self righteousness is often in the eye of the beholder. As indeed is 'positive help'.

There is a difference between struggling internally (which most of us do as stepmothers) and first resort advice to give in to the temptation to wash your hands and put your biological DC first.

A temptation that must be resisted at all costs. Putting your own DCs first is such a selfish thing to do. Far better to sacrifice them in order to accommodate DSC and their Dad in your life.

It's a tragic irony that the backlash against the wicked stepmother stereotype has created stepmothers who endeavour to suppress their natural maternal instinct towards their own DCs.

Far better to sacrifice them in order to accommodate DSC and their Dad in your life.

I didn't suggest that, did I?

endeavour to suppress their natural maternal instinct towards their own DCs

That would be a very strange thing for a parent to do

Surely the emotionally mature thing to do (i.e. the thing to do if you're endevouring to be a good parent) is to attempt to keep all the children of the family safe and cared for, putting your personal feelings aside a bit if necessary?

endeavouring^

A temptation that must be resisted at all costs. Putting your own DCs first is such a selfish thing to do. Far better to sacrifice them in order to accommodate DSC and their Dad in your life.
It's a tragic irony that the backlash against the wicked stepmother stereotype has created stepmothers who endeavour to suppress their natural maternal instinct towards their own DCs.

Really you are verging on the ridiculous with that statement.

Nobody is saying she should sacrifice her DC's but this is still her DH's child and he has a responsibility towards her. The OP married her DH she and him have taken on the commitment of raising and providing for all the children in this family and that includes the troubled soul.
I doubt the OP would feel this way if the child in question was her own bio child. I would imagine that the step father would be expected to support and do all he could.

The wicked stepmother remark is also ridiculous for reasons I cannot be bothered to educate you with.

The more you post the more you sound like that horrible SDC hating poster I mentioned earlier. She was full of poison that one. She would go out of her way to defend SM's even when they were uncaring and abusive ( not saying the OP is any of those things).

But I agree that it should be possible for SMs to discuss difficult feelings here w/o a handful of hardline posters immediately advocating that they act on them.

The whole 'detach' agenda is pushed far too readily.

The more you post the more you sound like that horrible SDC hating poster I mentioned earlier. She was full of poison that one. She would go out of her way to defend SM's even when they were uncaring and abusive ( not saying the OP is any of those things).

The one that MNHQ told you had been banned?

I take my hat off to your ability to both troll hunt and make a personal attack within the talk guidelines, though

Nope not troll hunting at all. You said early you have been a long time poster.

In regards to staying within the talk guidelines I learnt from the master, the poster I was telling you about

She didn't just defend them Flossy that particular poster positively encouraged grown women behaving poisonously towards their step children. I always hope with these kinds of posters that it is frustration because their own DH see through them and won't put up with their nonsense towards his children and so they take out their resentment here. I wonder how happy or functional a relationship can be where there is a constant them and us divide and the constant overshadow of having to choose which children in the family are deserving of unconditional support and love?

But this is all rather tedious isn't it? It's nothing we haven't seen before and we know that this particular poster doesn't confine her odd views and aggression to the step parenting board. This is most definitely NOT a "step" issue. A person holding these kinds of views would be "difficult" in most areas of their life I would imagine.

Very true Nicki.

we know that this particular poster doesn't confine her odd views and aggression to the step parenting board.

Which odd, agressive, tedious poster is "difficult" in real life, in your opinion nicki? The banned poster who flossy has repeatedly referred to, or someone else?

Your change of tense suggests that you are referring to a different, current, poster in your second paragraph.

I've said all I am going to about that poster, in any tense .

I've said all I am going to about that poster, in any tense

Looks like you learnt a thing or two about staying within the talk guidelines from flossys PBP, too

Actually I think they learned it from me .

What a really tough situation to be in. I cannot imagine the conflict of emotions you must feel with everything that has happened. I am not surprised you are anxious about Christmas.

I have no advise just a shame all the squabbling has made it a difficult thread to read

Actually imo it's not the squabbling that has made it a difficult thread to read. It's the posters who don't give a shit about a small child in a desperately awful situation.

I am glad there are no pbp on this thread. There were a couple of horrendous, snippy, twats with a really nasty attitude to step daughters who did seem to waft around with impunity.
I'm terrible for names. I wonder where those crusty faced cows have gone?

Don't they hibernate for the winter Pag?

WOW Perp that was.........wonderfully put.

Thank you Perpendicular. That's very kind of you. It's a recent illness and it's been such a shock to everyone who loves him.

When I was a single parent, I had nothing but "put yourself first" type supportive posts from this and other forums.

Once I became a step parent, the difference in "support" is shocking.

It seems that rarely a step child or mum can do no wrong in many posters eyes.

Whilst I absolutely agree that children should be respected and treated with kindness, that doesn't mean it's easy being a step parent, it's a whole lot more difficult in my opinion than the walk in the park that was lone parenting.

Until society helps and supports step mothers to deal with difficult situations, we will keep on seeing second marriages failing. If you've got a difficult birth child, you'll be helped and supported by health professionals and probably friends, family and forums like this. If you've got a difficult step child, you are apparently only allowed support that is critical and often demeaning.

The step mother needs to be recognised as having a valuable role within the family and supported by those around her. It's a balancing act and many compromises need to be made by ALL members of a family.

It seems that rarely a step child or mum can do no wrong in many posters eyes.

Au contraire, the biological mother of my DSC (and I will use that term on this occasion because she had abandoned them at 6 and 27 months respectively and they had no clue who she was when she eventually reappeared more than a decade later), was deeply flawed. And that is the most I can really say about it precisely because she was their mother, however flawed, and I might be recognisable to my DSD, if she uses MN.

Until society helps and supports step mothers to deal with difficult situations, we will keep on seeing second marriages failing.

In my case (many cases), first marriage, but I take your point. The question is 'what type of help is helpful?'

My own take is that when you become a parent, the DCs needs have to come first and that also applies to DSC.

So while we might moan or chew the fat about a behavioural problem or an issue involving a (bio) child, and sympathise with others going through similar, we don't tend to suggest detaching, going no NC, letting someone else deal, sending the DC away to live with someone else...... and so the same applies to the DSC.

Most of the really horrendous step situations that get posted about are really dysfunctional marriages anyhow. A step family is only as good as the central relationship. One of my DSC had horrendous EBD, which got bad when his mother reappeared (and then re-vanished) but if our marriage had been 100%, we would have survived it.

Hmm, I suspect that anyone posting 'this 8 year old child is making worrying false allegations of sexual assault and being threatened with a sword. I don't want her here' and had titled the thread 'I don't like this child' would have received a substantial number of posts saying ' this child sounds incredibly vulnerable, where is your compassion. How can your focus be on your feelings of discomfort'
I'm not sure why this scenario should receive a resounding 'there there, you poor thing' on this board. That would be weird, incredibly myopic and staggeringly unhelpful.

The question is 'what type of help is helpful?'

A better question would be who decides what advice is helpful, and moderates the board accordingly by "stamping out" the unhelpful advice given by posters who are pushing an agenda?

Perhaps the step-board should include a warning, just as the relationships and legal board does, reminding posters that MN does not check the credentials of posters giving advice, and they may well have dysfunctional relationships with their own DSC. That still wouldn't prevent posters taking the "unhelpful" advice, so moderation is really the only way forward to prevent it being posted in the first place.

Very droll.