I don't like my stepdaughter.

[Momof3girls3boys]

Ok. Here it goes. First I want to say, I have two stepdaughters. I am raising the youngest in my home. She is in all aspects my child although I didn't give birth to her. I love her unconditionally as I do my biological children. My problem is my older stepdaughter. I have major concerns and problems with her. About a year and a half ago she accused my 7 yr old of touching her sexually. My step daughter was 8 at this time. These accusations are totally unfounded and completely untrue. Two different state child services found these claims (and others I will mention shortly) to be totally untrue. In addition due to her mother trying to revoke my husband's visitation rights a court has also concluded all the accusations to be unfounded. A year prior to this incident (so 2 1/2 yrs ago) she accused my 16 yr old of touching her inappropriately (unfounded and untrue). My stepdaughter, 2 1/2 yrs ago, told me of her kissing 2 boys and a girl at school. When asked she told me she kissed all of them with using tongues. She has also accused me (I want to let you know I am a certified teacher, I teach kindergarten) of abusing her 1 1/2 yrs ago. Now, I do believe in spanking, but with that being said, I rarely spank my children. And I would never lay a hand on someone else's child. I might give a total of one spanking a year to all my kids combined. At that time she accused her dad, my husband of holding a sword to her throat and threatening to cut her head off and that he shot her with BB guns. All of her accusations have been investigated by child protective services and my husband, myself and the children have all been found innocent of all of her accusations. My husband has decided up until this point that she would no longer come to our house, but now she will be coming for Christmas this year. I'm so nervous about her visit and really am not looking forward to it. I feel horrible about this. I am going to try to have a great Christmas with all our kids but I can't get myself to quit disliking my stepdaughter no matter how hard I try. I've defended her to my husband when this all first happened saying her mother probably put her up to saying this stuff and that she's just a child. But now that I'm faced with having her come again and possibly accuse someone of something else I feel the way my husband did at first. Please help me deal with my conflicting emotions. Tell me I'm a horrible person or whatever. I am trying to work through this and except her as my daughter.

[vitabrits]

OP you are in a very difficult situation, and I feel that you and your dh are doing your very best.

The step parenting board here on mm can be a very cruel place, so if this thread all gets too much for you you could try another section of MN.

I have been in the position of having to consider the possibility of having a child come to spend time in my house who may very likely have had behavioural problems of one sort or another, and I'm not ashamed to say that I decided I would not be tolerating anything that disrupted my 2 DD's lives or caused them any anxieties or harm, so I do not blame you for feeling that your DSD should probably not be in your home.

[MistressDeeCee]

Some parts of this thread are very harsh. Almost as if the OP is expected to be therapist/social worker/saint with perfectly modulated feelings; responsible for everybody. & that the fact she is having to cope with the other DCs feelings regarding being accused of sexual assault and thats also playing on her mind isn't really relevant. Awful.

There's no way 1 child would be allowed to traumatise my own children, their wellbeing is just as important. Id be pushing for biological parents - yes, they do have a part to play its not about stepmum being the scapegoat - in conjunction with the appropriate services to do what they're all meant to do.

I too think another section of MN would be best Im beginning to think in the main, step-parents are viewed as the evil one and expected to carry the can for everything that others DON'T bother to sort out.

[Pagwatch]

That's an interesting take on it.
I have no particular views about anything much except a child who is actually not a danger to other children being left in what appears to be dreadful circumstances and being disliked for having behavioural problems.

TBH I am pretty shocked that anyone thinks that is ok. I wonder why it is seen as anti step mother to regard that as awful. Do we judge step mothers as having lower than normal levels of empathy? I would have thought most people with any kind of awareness of 7 or 8 year old girls would be hugely sympathetic to the SD.
There is an odd irony here that saying the op (and her DH) is being astonishingly indifferent to this child is seen as anti step mother, as if that is no better than one should expect? That most stp mothers would not want this child to visit at Christmas because of their dislike and their apprehension about further allegations. They would all want her to spend Christmas with her mother who is 'mental', who doesn't cook and who has new partners every month or so.

Most step mothers I know would be upset and horrified. Does this board generally operate to a lower standard of basic humanity?

[NickiFury]

Well said Pagwatch.

[FlossyMoo]

Most step mothers I know would be upset and horrified. Does this board generally operate to a lower standard of basic humanity?

On the whole Pag I have found the vast majority of this board to be kind caring and compassionate people whether they be SM or adult SDC. However I do find some posters take on situations/opinions very distasteful and shocking.

Great post by the way.

[MonstrousRatbag]

OP, have you and your DH applied to court for this child to have residence with you?
If not, then I think you should as a matter of urgency. Going by all you have said about her life with her mother, she needs rescuing, and urgently. If nothing else, it would mean your DH could arrange the counselling she needs.

[ArsenicSoup]

Most step mothers I know would be upset and horrified. Does this board generally operate to a lower standard of basic humanity?

Not the board as a whole, just a minority of posters.

[StardustBikini]

I think to answer that you would have to clarify for me in what way the girl constitutes a threat to the other children?

And we go full circle. The risk, to me, is self evident.

This is a child who has the capacity to falsely allege sexual abuse against a 7 year old and 16 year old, to falsely allege violent abuse at the hands of the OP and to have the capacity and life experience to falsely allege that her own father held a sword to her throat and threatened to decapitate her.

Is it really the case of "no harm, no foul?" Am I right in my reading of the posts here which imply that not only the OP, but the other DCs, who are old enough to understand the nature of the allegations made, are expected to forget about it, because after all, their names have been cleared, so no harm done?

I have limited experience of child abuse investigations. It's unpleasant and distressing for all involved. Threads on MN make it clear that when an adult maliciously instigates child abuse investigation proceedings, it is considered child abuse on the part of the adult. The children involved are subject to intrusive, invasive and sometimes life-altering experiences. An adult forcing that on a child unnecessarily is emotionally abusing the children involved.

Yet when a child makes false allegations, it is considered harmless to all the DCs?

And as I said up thread, this DCs capacity to imagine and allege the degree of violence that she accused her father of is alarming to me. In a culture in which weapons and violence are more commonplace than here in the UK, the casual attitude with which the DC referred to murderous violence, with apparently no awareness of the severity of her words, would cause me of fear for my and my DCs safety were I to share a home with her.

I think the OPs DP is disregarding a very real risk. If the OP returns to the thread to clarify whether the family are receiving therapy and support then I may well reconsider, but without that in place, the OPs fear is well placed IMO.

[Pagwatch]

Of course Arsenic and Flossy. I hope I didn't appear to suggest the opposite.

[JustSpeakSense]

She is 9 now and 2 1/2 years ago spoke to you of kissing (with tongues) 2 boys and a girl (when she was 6 1/2?)

[FlossyMoo]

Not at all Pag I just understood how you have come to ask get that question considering some of the more posts on this thread

[StardustBikini]

I assume that all those posters who believe that the disturbed and neglected child in question should be "rescued" by her stepmum share their own homes with equally neglected and disturbed foster-children?
There are literally thousands of children like the OPs DSD who need foster homes in order to remove them from emotionally and physically abusive situations, so there are no shortage of DCs to "rescue"........

Perhaps those posters who have been disillusioned by the selfish attitude of stepmums who put their own children before their stepDCs need to spend some time on the "fostering" board to restore their faith in humanity

Like vitabrits, my DSC behaviour have brought chaos, disruption and the authorities into my DCs lives. I wont apologise for putting my own DC first, and expecting my DSC parents to take responsibility for their own DC.

[NickiFury]

Yet again you do not answer the question of what you think should be done for this child?

I often find myself wondering about a certain kind of stepmother posts on here demanding fair and equal treatment within their blended family when what they really mean is "I want to be on top so put me and MY biological kids before your own". Treat US me better than them or it's not fair!

That child is a biological child of the family and needs protecting by her FATHER. You keep wittering on about the danger (unproven, just surmised by you) to the children already in the home but don't seem to give two hoots about the danger this child is actually in and do not offer any opinion as to what should be done.

The longer I post the more I realise that step parents who think like you are definitely in the minority and I am thankful for that. I do think it's dangerous though those who hold these views continue to try to convince others that it's normal to think like this about your step children.

[Pagwatch]

That's quite a leap.
Pointing out that the op seems indifferent to the awful circumstances of her SD, suggesting that making her leave the home and resenting her visiting at Christmas means that I should foster?
Is it ok if I just stay at home with my DS with his profound disabilities and behavioural problems?
Or should I cart him off to a woman who is apparently exhibiting zero parenting skills and just concentrate on the other two DC? The ones who are not a problem?

[LittleRobots]

Stardust - I dont think it is the OPs place to "rescue" but it sure is her husbands. He is the biological dad and shouldn't just be sitting back while his daughter is abused.

Imagine if it was the other way around and a mother was just ignoring a potential abuse situation at the dads place and was just calling as visits were too hard...

[ArsenicSoup]

Of course Arsenic and Flossy. I hope I didn't appear to suggest the opposite.

It seemed worth emphasising that it wasn't everyone, considering the impression this thread could give a bystander

In fact, it's been (mainly) civilised and humane here for a while now

[StardustBikini]

Yet again you do not answer the question of what you think should be done for this child?

Exactly the same thing that should be done for other DCs who cause distress and chaos to other DCs in their home - you know, the ones discussed over on the teen board?

The ones who put themselves at risk, through substance misuse, risky behaviour and whose parents can't protect them without putting themselves and their other children at risk of emotional and physical harm due to the behaviour of the child.

What do those parents do?

In many cases they, with a heavy heart, choose to protect their family unit and the younger children at the expense of their relationship with their older child. They leave the authorities to intervene.

There is no shortage of professional investigation into the OPs DSD life - so, if they deem it necessary, they will intervene.

[FlossyMoo]

My faith in humanity is perfectly fine thank you very much.

Nobody has said the OP by herself should "rescue" this child but the bottom line is she is married to the childs father and he has responsibilities to care for all of his children. Anything that is done to protect this child from harm needs to be done as a couple/family.

[LittleRobots]

Gosh.

[ArsenicSoup]

This is an eight year old we are discussing?

[ArsenicSoup]

What substances has the eight year old been abusing? (Sorry I missed that bit). Haribo?

[StardustBikini]

Stardust - I dont think it is the OPs place to "rescue" but it sure is her husbands. He is the biological dad and shouldn't just be sitting back while his daughter is abused.

I could not agree more - and have posted this myself earlier on this thread.

But the OP is not her DH. Her priorities and fears will be different from his.

And given the situation their family finds itself in, it is impossible to tell whether there is a compromise to be had, or whether the family can possibly survive.

[ArsenicSoup]

And 'risky behaviour'!? Oh sorry, you mean the abuse the prepubescent child has in all likelihood been subject to, do you?

[StardustBikini]

Nobody has said the OP by herself should "rescue" this child but the bottom line is she is married to the childs father and he has responsibilities to care for all of his children. Anything that is done to protect this child from harm needs to be done as a couple/family.

I don't think that's possible, though, is it? The OPs priorities conflict with her DHs - his DC is a potential risk to hers.

Either, she has to compromise the protection she gives her DCs, or he compromises the support he gives his DD.