I don't like my stepdaughter.

[Momof3girls3boys]

Ok. Here it goes. First I want to say, I have two stepdaughters. I am raising the youngest in my home. She is in all aspects my child although I didn't give birth to her. I love her unconditionally as I do my biological children. My problem is my older stepdaughter. I have major concerns and problems with her. About a year and a half ago she accused my 7 yr old of touching her sexually. My step daughter was 8 at this time. These accusations are totally unfounded and completely untrue. Two different state child services found these claims (and others I will mention shortly) to be totally untrue. In addition due to her mother trying to revoke my husband's visitation rights a court has also concluded all the accusations to be unfounded. A year prior to this incident (so 2 1/2 yrs ago) she accused my 16 yr old of touching her inappropriately (unfounded and untrue). My stepdaughter, 2 1/2 yrs ago, told me of her kissing 2 boys and a girl at school. When asked she told me she kissed all of them with using tongues. She has also accused me (I want to let you know I am a certified teacher, I teach kindergarten) of abusing her 1 1/2 yrs ago. Now, I do believe in spanking, but with that being said, I rarely spank my children. And I would never lay a hand on someone else's child. I might give a total of one spanking a year to all my kids combined. At that time she accused her dad, my husband of holding a sword to her throat and threatening to cut her head off and that he shot her with BB guns. All of her accusations have been investigated by child protective services and my husband, myself and the children have all been found innocent of all of her accusations. My husband has decided up until this point that she would no longer come to our house, but now she will be coming for Christmas this year. I'm so nervous about her visit and really am not looking forward to it. I feel horrible about this. I am going to try to have a great Christmas with all our kids but I can't get myself to quit disliking my stepdaughter no matter how hard I try. I've defended her to my husband when this all first happened saying her mother probably put her up to saying this stuff and that she's just a child. But now that I'm faced with having her come again and possibly accuse someone of something else I feel the way my husband did at first. Please help me deal with my conflicting emotions. Tell me I'm a horrible person or whatever. I am trying to work through this and except her as my daughter.

[StardustBikini]

But it isn't, is it? It is representative of a whole mindet. Many words and phrases on this thread illustrate that.

I may be over sensitive, but to be honest, the language used towards the woman in question isn't the most significant thing about this thread, by any means.

The words and phrases that create most emotional reaction from me are in relation to a 7 year old being accused by an eight year old of sexual touching and a still relatively young child alleging that her father held a sword to her neck and threatened to behead her.

I accept that in some households or families, this type of language and behaviour may not be unusual, and so therefore, for MNers who experience e that type of lifestyle, the most significant aspect of this thread is the language used to describe a patient suffering from a diagnosed personality disorder.

But surely, I'm not in the minority when I say that the language and accusations being used by the child are the most concerning thing about the whole situation? After all, plenty of DCs are witness to one parent being bad mouthed and denigrated by the other; but they don't all display the behaviour described in the OP, do they?

[ArsenicSoup]

I accept that in some households or families, this type of language and behaviour may not be unusual, and so therefore, for MNers who experience e that type of lifestyle, the most significant aspect of this thread is the language used to describe a patient suffering from a diagnosed personality disorder.

You can try deploying colossal bitchery if you like bikini but you're rather missing the point and any semblance of reality.

Numerous posters have pointed out to the OP that for a child of that age to make allegations like that she must have been exposed to something vastly troubling and inappropriate, most probably abusive.

OP and others are insisting on viewing the DSD as bad rather sad, dangerous rather than endangered, in need of censure rather than serious, muscular, committed attempts at rescue.

[ArsenicSoup]

The appropriate thing to do when an adult embarks on inappropriate behaviour is protect ALL the children. Not scapegoat a damaged child because she hasn't been adequately protected by her parents.

If at least one parent steps in to ensure an appropriate environment for the DC, this gothic Jeremy Kyle stuff doesn't happen.

It is very very easy to be the responsible parent making the good decisions TBH.

[MistressDeeCee]

This is a very disturbing thread. I agree this child needs assistance and I hope she gets it. I think its wrong to blame the OP. She is only human and there have been a LOT of allegations against family members..Im sure anyone would be on tenterbooks. The feelings of dislike aren't right but again, OP is human I don't like to see a stepmother getting a hard time, partiuclarly when she's already admitted she is struggling with her feelings, and is raising a family. She isn't the only adult in the picture here and she shouldn't be anybody's scapegoat.

[ArsenicSoup]

Mistress I was responding to StarburstBikini's immensely catty assertion that accusations of incest must be usual in my household and that was why I found the OP's hostility to the mother noteworthy. See her 22.01 post.

[MistressDeeCee]

Her biological parents have failed her and the very least her father could do, is knuckle down to getting this whole situation sorted out in terms of the welfare of his daughter. Its unpleasant for the other DCs to be accused of sexual inappropriateness, too..its as if the whole family is in dis-aray how you all live like this OP, I don't know..but the welfare of you all is paramount in addition to this poor little girls' needs, and I hope you all get through it ok

[ArsenicSoup]

Her biological parents have failed her and the very least her father could do, is knuckle down to getting this whole situation sorted out in terms of the welfare of his daughter.

Quite. The dad should have stepped in, not turned his back.

[MistressDeeCee]

"Arsenicsoup" just to let you know I was thinking about post in general, my thoughts weren't based on your comment. I did see OPs comment and thought it was very off-key..

As to the rest, tbh I just can't imagine how I would react in this situation.

It all sounds very traumatic..what would people do if their DCs were being accused of sexual inappropriateness.? What to say to DCs upset by being accused of this sort of thing? The other DCs matter too. God knows how they must be feeling. This child's father should be pursuing this matter via legal advice, sooner rather than later. Sad as it is, I wouldn't want this child over for christmas either, in OPs place my heart would be in my mouth it'll probably be fraught with tension.

[NickiFury]

stardustbikini what utter nonsense. If posters were used to that kind of language and it was part of their every day life they'd not be taking issue with it here surely? They'd be using it themselves and not see a problem with it (much like the OP of this thread and others who are defending it). I cannot think how you came to this conclusion, unless you were just trying to be deeply unpleasant. If so you succeeded. What a helpful contribution to an already distressing thread .

[StardustBikini]

OP and others are insisting on viewing the DSD as bad rather sad, dangerous rather than endangered, in need of censure rather than serious, muscular, committed attempts at rescue.

Daily news headlines make it clear that sad, endangered DCs in need of "rescue" can also be a very real danger. It is naive not to consider the potential risk a child who is damaged poses to other, younger DCs and the safety of the wider family - particularly when you consider the different culture in which the OP lives and the difference with which weapons, and violence, is perceived.

Are you really suggesting the OP put her own DCs safety and welfare at risk in order to "rescue" this damaged child by welcoming her into her home without serious consideration? Is it really wrong of her to feel animosity towards a threat to her own children? Does society expect her to put genetic programming to one side and protect an unrelated child ahead of protection of her own DCs?

The OPs primary responsibility is for herself and her DCs. It is her job to protect them - not place them at risk because her DP and his ex have failed the OPs DSD.

[Pagwatch]

Well, whatever should be happening, whoever posters choose to blame, this poor girl sounds deeply damaged and I find contemplating the kind of life she is leading - left with a mother the op regards as 'crazy' because she is deemed too damaged to be around the important children - really distressing.
Life could not be telling her more clearly that no one gives a shit.

And to title this situation ' I don't like my step daughter' ...

[ArsenicSoup]

Are you really suggesting the OP put her own DCs safety and welfare at risk in order to "rescue" this damaged child by welcoming her into her home without serious consideration?

Definitely. I expressly advised against consideration, particularly the serious type. Any thought at all is best avoided really.


And to title this situation ' I don't like my step daughter' ...

Exactly Pag

[StardustBikini]

She is obviously living in an unsafe environment and needs to be helped out of it.

I agree, but not at the expense of the safety of other DCs. The OP has made repeated reports to a child welfare system that is clearly as flawed and inadequate as the one here in the UK. It is not the responsibility of individuals such as the OP to rescue DCs who have been failed by their parents and the state.
The OP does not have the capacity or skills to manage the behaviour of her damaged DSD. If she did, she wouldn't be struggling with her (very natural) emotional reaction towards her based on extreme behaviour over a long period of time. Placing a damaged child in an inexperienced home, where the skills are not in place to manage behaviours, and where there are younger DCs, is a recipe for disaster! It would be a further "failure" on the part of adults in the DCs life.

I wonder if those on this thread who are Condemning the OP for her reluctance and resentment at being expected to embrace a task that puts the DCs she loves and for whom she is responsible at risk, would be willing to welcome such a damaged child into their own homes and families with no support or professional interventions?

[Pagwatch]

I haven't condemned the op for her actions.
I do condemn her for choosing to respond to this dreadful situation with o little compassion for this child. Maybe she finds it easier to hate her stepdaughter than face the fact that everyone in that child's life is shrugging their shoulders and walking away.

I wonder if one of her own children suddenly started displaying behaviours that signalled something was going horrendously wrong, she would find way to remove them? If my DH left his child in that situation I would find it hard not to despise him.

[Pagwatch]

And the op says she loves her other step daughter 'unconditionally'. So presumably she would handle that child displaying similar behaviours differently because that is what unconditionally means. In which case she has made a qualitative choice between the two children?

[NickiFury]

What do you suggest then stardust? Because there's a lot about what you feel they can't do and shouldn't be expected to do, but not much about how to help a young child living in a horrendous environment. Your opinion seems to be that they should wash their hands of the whole sorry mess leaving a vulnerable child in situ using their other children as the excuse not to do anything about it.

[clam]

Hmm, good point, pag. Why does she not love this particular step-child "unconditionally" too?

[StardustBikini]

Your opinion seems to be that they should wash their hands of the whole sorry mess leaving a vulnerable child in situ using their other children as the excuse not to do anything about it.

Why refer to the OP and her DP as "they"? Are they incapable of Independent thought and action?
My comments have been about the OP alone - not her and her DP acting as a co-parenting couple.

I believe the OP has done everything she can for her DSD - whether the same can be said for the DCs father (the OPs DP) is another matter. But this thread isn't about "they", it's about the OP, who has by all accounts been to hell and back and is being expected by some posters on this thread to detach herself emotionally from the impact of that and pick up the pieces of other parents failings.

I unashamedly admit that I would always put the wellbeing and safety of my own DCs above that of anyone else's. If I decide to "rescue" a child in need at their expense, then should I hope that some other Good Samaritan will rescue my own DCs from the impact of my choice?

[Pagwatch]

Sure,
But tbh I would wonder about bringing up my children in a home where one of their fathers children is wanted and the other one is sent away.
I'm not sure that I could manage the fallout from that - nor would I want to.
It's too close to telling them they are loved as long as they don't have problems or cause trouble. Particularly when the place they are being sent too is with a woman he describes as 'mental'.

[StardustBikini]

Yes, much harder for the girls father - who has to decide which of his DCs welfare to put first; banishing her from the family home to protect other DCs from allegation was never going to solve the problem, although it did prevent harm coming to the OP and other DCs.

What do you think he (the OPs DP) should do? I see these discussions often on the teen pages of MN - parents at the end of their tether where the behaviour of one child is putting the safety of others in the home at risk. Often, the advice given (both by MNers and professionals) is for the parent to protect the remaining (usually younger) DCs by turning away and refusing to house the child about whom there is most concern. But, that relies on Child Protection services doing their job; what if they don't?

[LittleRobots]

The poor child. It would seem unbelievable to me that a father could know that his daughter is in a very likely abusive situation and NOT intervene, to NOT visit, to NOT share care or responsibility for finding help.

Oh wait. My dad did that. Please don't let your husband just give up on his daughter like this. He may be the only one capable of fighting for her.

[Pagwatch]

I think to answer that you would have to clarify for me in what way the girl constitutes a threat to the other children?

She has made a serious of allegation all of which have been found to be false. How is that a potential threat?

This dreadfully conflicted father has invited her for Christmas and seems unconcerned about safety. The op was asking how to cope with her feelings and her fears about further allegations.
Why does this make the other children at risk?

[NickiFury]

"are they incapable of independent thought and action?"

Seemingly as OP refers to the ex as "crazy" because he does and says that's why.

I also think most couples would be and would want to be dealing with this as a team hence my use of the word "they". It seems you advocate separating yourself from your blended family when times get tough and that of course is your right. But that way of thinking is not for everyone thankfully.

I'm going to be right up front and say I would have grave reservations and I would hate to be in this position but I believe a child should be with her other parent when there is neglect occurring. He cannot just wash his hands of it.

Maybe I have missed it but why is there no support when this family have been repeatedly involved with social services due to the accusations made by the daughter.