I don't like my stepdaughter.

[Momof3girls3boys]

Ok. Here it goes. First I want to say, I have two stepdaughters. I am raising the youngest in my home. She is in all aspects my child although I didn't give birth to her. I love her unconditionally as I do my biological children. My problem is my older stepdaughter. I have major concerns and problems with her. About a year and a half ago she accused my 7 yr old of touching her sexually. My step daughter was 8 at this time. These accusations are totally unfounded and completely untrue. Two different state child services found these claims (and others I will mention shortly) to be totally untrue. In addition due to her mother trying to revoke my husband's visitation rights a court has also concluded all the accusations to be unfounded. A year prior to this incident (so 2 1/2 yrs ago) she accused my 16 yr old of touching her inappropriately (unfounded and untrue). My stepdaughter, 2 1/2 yrs ago, told me of her kissing 2 boys and a girl at school. When asked she told me she kissed all of them with using tongues. She has also accused me (I want to let you know I am a certified teacher, I teach kindergarten) of abusing her 1 1/2 yrs ago. Now, I do believe in spanking, but with that being said, I rarely spank my children. And I would never lay a hand on someone else's child. I might give a total of one spanking a year to all my kids combined. At that time she accused her dad, my husband of holding a sword to her throat and threatening to cut her head off and that he shot her with BB guns. All of her accusations have been investigated by child protective services and my husband, myself and the children have all been found innocent of all of her accusations. My husband has decided up until this point that she would no longer come to our house, but now she will be coming for Christmas this year. I'm so nervous about her visit and really am not looking forward to it. I feel horrible about this. I am going to try to have a great Christmas with all our kids but I can't get myself to quit disliking my stepdaughter no matter how hard I try. I've defended her to my husband when this all first happened saying her mother probably put her up to saying this stuff and that she's just a child. But now that I'm faced with having her come again and possibly accuse someone of something else I feel the way my husband did at first. Please help me deal with my conflicting emotions. Tell me I'm a horrible person or whatever. I am trying to work through this and except her as my daughter.

[MonstrousRatbag]

Either, she has to compromise the protection she gives her DCs, or he compromises the support he gives his DD.

It's not that black and white, surely? If the older DSD is supported e.g. with therapy, she may not pose any threat to her sibling, step-siblings, OP or her father. Or father moves out for a while to care for older DSD for a time. There are probably several more options. But unless the adults involved are prepared to at least accept the responsibility of caring for and protecting this child, none of the available options will be explored.

[ArsenicSoup]

Stepfamilies cannot work like that Stardust. You have to act as a team, acting for the benefit of all the DC.

[FlossyMoo]

It is possible but there has to be effort. Claims already made against the family have been unfounded. It is clear she is not in a good place at home and therapy is the way forward as is a stable home life.

Bringing this child in to their home will not be easy and fraught with difficulties but the child will be in a stable environment and be able to receive the therapy she desperately needs. I very much doubt the OP would leave one of her children in such a situation and regardless of the affect on the others I am pretty sure she would do all she could for her distressed 8 yo.

[StardustBikini]

Or should I cart him off to a woman who is apparently exhibiting zero parenting skills and just concentrate on the other two DC?

Hardly the same thing, pag - that woman you have dismissed so scathingly is the OPs DSC mum!!! Not some random woman who the OP is leaving her own DC with.

It's no wonder parents like the OPs DH and his ex absolve themselves of their parenting responsibility if wider society expects other adults to step in and judges those other adults more harshly if they don't step up than they judge the neglectful parents.

[StardustBikini]

But unless the adults involved are prepared to at least accept the responsibility of caring for and protecting this child, none of the available options will be explored.

That's not a process which can be led by the OP as the stepparent, though! I agree, the mother and father should accept responsibility and then the father should them look to the OP to support him in that.

This is his problem, something the OP supports him in. And if she feels that she can't compromise her own DCs safety to that extent, then she and her DH have to face the prospect of a future apart.

[MonstrousRatbag]

It's no wonder parents like the OPs DH and his ex absolve themselves of their parenting responsibility if wider society expects other adults to step in

I though you were all in favour of sacking children off for someone else to manage:

In many cases they, with a heavy heart, choose to protect their family unit and the younger children at the expense of their relationship with their older child. They leave the authorities to intervene.

[StardustBikini]

Bringing this child in to their home will not be easy and fraught with difficulties

Which is what the OP says. And she expresses her feelings of unhappiness, conflict and worry about those difficulties and the impact they will have on her family.

But she has been labelled as uncaring to feel such things.

[FlossyMoo]

No she hasn't Star so get off that one.

You know there was a PBP who used to take parts of my posts out of context then put their own spin on it. Never got them anywhere mind.

[ArsenicSoup]

But she has been labelled as uncaring to feel such things.

What tosh.

The first two replies on the thread are mine. Have a look.

[StardustBikini]

Not you , arsenic, but others have been open about their low opinion of the OP because she has been honest about her feelings of trepidation;

I do condemn her for choosing to respond to this dreadful situation with o little compassion for this child.

the op (and her DH) is being astonishingly indifferent to this child

[StardustBikini]

You know there was a PBP who used to take parts of my posts out of context then put their own spin on it. Never got them anywhere mind.

As far as I know, I was never banned, flossy - still using the same logon, IP and devices - so if you think I'm a PBP, then you could check with MNHQ.

[ArsenicSoup]

Yes I forgot, I'm the one with the family seething with dysfunction, aren't I? Because I think Crazy isn't a helpful synonm for bipolar. Apparently

[FlossyMoo]

Never said it was you Star I was only mentioning it as your last post reminded me of her.

[StardustBikini]

Never said it was you Star I was only mentioning it as your last post reminded me of her.
Can't decide if that's a compliment or not!
I wouldn't know if someone had been banned or just stopped posting, tbh - is there a MNHQ list?

[Pagwatch]

You are showing an astonishing propensity to create straw men and recreate what people have posted by taking them out of context.

My post about 'carting' my child off to a parent with zero parenting skills was actually mocking your ridiculous attempt to draw a correlation between anyone criticising the ops stance and their needing to justify that by fostering.

It might be enjoyable for you to try and create an argument you feel more comfortable perusing but it is faintly ridiculous and highly disingenuous.

[Pagwatch]

Can I just check? Disingenuous is still mn speak for full of shit isn't it?

[FlossyMoo]

Yes Pag

[ArsenicSoup]

[StardustBikini]

"Straw men", "PBP", "full of shit", "dangerous posters" - I think we've got a full house!

[StardustBikini]

i fully accept that this child sounds troubled and challenging. But it is so obvious that it's a result of her current environment, and she needs help that the OP and her DH can give.

I disagree perp - the OPs DH has a moral (and legal) responsibility to help his child. The OP has a choice whether to support him in that, or whether she believes that the cost to her and her DCs of that support will be too high.
Her decision to support her DH, and indirectly, her DSD, should be based on her DHs commitment to helping his own DD. With the best will in the world, the OP can have absolutely no influence on the situation at all - it is not her place to decide and act on what she believes is right for her DSD.

[FlossyMoo]

You playing bingo star???

There was a thread like that once. Not pleasant at all, very distasteful.

[ArsenicSoup]

Yes, game playing and bingo has returned to the board. How sad and inappropriate on a thread about an abused child.

[Pagwatch]

Oh Star, surely you mean you have a full house. I have been on here 9 years, never needed to name change and funnily enough no one has ever posted any of those things to me.

If you read them often enough to turn them into a bingo sheet then perhaps you should take notice of that and ponder your posting style

[NickiFury]

It was ever thus though. Certain posters (in the minority now thankfully) just looking for reasons to justify rejecting, disliking and being jealous of their step children. It's been a lovely breath of fresh air without them and it's a shame it's rearing it's ugly head again. Hopefully MNHQ won't take so long to stamp it out this time.