I don't like my stepdaughter.

[Momof3girls3boys]

Ok. Here it goes. First I want to say, I have two stepdaughters. I am raising the youngest in my home. She is in all aspects my child although I didn't give birth to her. I love her unconditionally as I do my biological children. My problem is my older stepdaughter. I have major concerns and problems with her. About a year and a half ago she accused my 7 yr old of touching her sexually. My step daughter was 8 at this time. These accusations are totally unfounded and completely untrue. Two different state child services found these claims (and others I will mention shortly) to be totally untrue. In addition due to her mother trying to revoke my husband's visitation rights a court has also concluded all the accusations to be unfounded. A year prior to this incident (so 2 1/2 yrs ago) she accused my 16 yr old of touching her inappropriately (unfounded and untrue). My stepdaughter, 2 1/2 yrs ago, told me of her kissing 2 boys and a girl at school. When asked she told me she kissed all of them with using tongues. She has also accused me (I want to let you know I am a certified teacher, I teach kindergarten) of abusing her 1 1/2 yrs ago. Now, I do believe in spanking, but with that being said, I rarely spank my children. And I would never lay a hand on someone else's child. I might give a total of one spanking a year to all my kids combined. At that time she accused her dad, my husband of holding a sword to her throat and threatening to cut her head off and that he shot her with BB guns. All of her accusations have been investigated by child protective services and my husband, myself and the children have all been found innocent of all of her accusations. My husband has decided up until this point that she would no longer come to our house, but now she will be coming for Christmas this year. I'm so nervous about her visit and really am not looking forward to it. I feel horrible about this. I am going to try to have a great Christmas with all our kids but I can't get myself to quit disliking my stepdaughter no matter how hard I try. I've defended her to my husband when this all first happened saying her mother probably put her up to saying this stuff and that she's just a child. But now that I'm faced with having her come again and possibly accuse someone of something else I feel the way my husband did at first. Please help me deal with my conflicting emotions. Tell me I'm a horrible person or whatever. I am trying to work through this and except her as my daughter.

[Stalequavers]

Good morning op.

I think I would go and see a solicitor and see what the appropriate steps are in removing the child from where is living and then getting her the best therapy you can afford.

She is deeply un happy. The result in which she has attacked your side of the family.

[Cabrinha]

This has been going on for years. She spends her summers with you.
So her father has organised extensive counselling support for her during those summers, right?
Or no?
No point complaining about the ex not taking her. That's wrong, but it is what it is.
What is her father doing?

[rootypig]

OP if your hands are tied legally, that's one thing. But I still think your understanding of the situation is woeful.

[Phoenixfrights]

What stalequavers says. Your partner needs to take legal action to get more contact or residency.

Does her mother have a partner? It sounds like something is going badly wrong in the DSD's life.

Do you know why your DH and the child's mother split up?

Where you live, do the different states' child protection departments share information with each other?

[Momof3girls3boys]

My DH and her mom split because she's crazy. She's bipolar but won't take her meds. Mom has a new "partner" move in every month or so. The different state's child services say they share info but work independently. Our experience tells us they really don't share info either.

[ArsenicSoup]

I think the term is 'mental health difficulties'. NOT 'Crazy'

[Momof3girls3boys]

My DH describes her as "crazy" and says that's why they split. That's why I used that term

[ArsenicSoup]

Nice way to talk about the mother of his child

Maybe if you could both control the obvious contempt you feel for DSD's mother, she would feel much more comfortable? That would be a good first step.

[StardustBikini]

Maybe if you could both control the obvious contempt you feel for DSD's mother, she would feel much more comfortable?

Be nice about her mother and that will solve her multiple false allegations against children and adults in her life, her inappropriate sexual knowledge and her extreme violent thoughts........ .

OP I wouldn't allow a child who is capable of such violent allegations anywhere near my DCs. Not only would I fear the risk of further allegation, but the fact that she has images of being beheaded by her father in her mind would leave me fearing her capacity for violence towards others.

She had been failed by her parents - don't put yourself, your child and your career at risk because of their inability to be parents.

[ArsenicSoup]

Be nice about her mother and that will solve her multiple false allegations against children and adults in her life, her inappropriate sexual knowledge and her extreme violent thoughts

All that behaviour starts with, is an expression of, deep distress.

You don't think being caught in the middle of hostility might be part of the problem? That hearing your father and his new girlfriend denigrate your mother might have been extremely painful over the years?

[clam]

FGS, why do these threads always get de-railed by some posters determined to blame the OP for something or other. Arsenic, you have no grounds for accusing the OP of denigrating his ex's partner in front of the child. She's asking for advice here, and that sort of comment doesn't help.

This sounds an awful situation, not of the OP's making, but she is concerned, and rightly so, for the child herself as well as her own kids who are at risk from the fallout.

[VanitasVanitatum]

You are right to be concerned, I would make sure that the child is never alone with any of your children so that she cannot make any further accusations.

I would be pursuing counselling for this child as hard as possible, she sounds very disturbed.

[ArsenicSoup]

Oh don't be silly clam. Maybe the best place for the DSD is with her dad's family, but it is important for the DSD's emotional health not to denigrate a parent.

There is a world of difference between factually and sympathetically saying "sadly dsd's mum's illness makes it difficult for her to...." and saying "she's crazy".

I know it's hard, but DC do feel the difference.

My elder DC's father broke into our house after our separation, attacked me, injured me and was arrested. He sunk further and further into the bottle and let them down many times in many ways. It is important to have a way of speaking to the DC about their parent's behaviour that doesn't make them feel torn themselves. And it is best to get into good habits about that, especially when you are annoyed with the other parent yourself.

[clam]

Don't be so bloody rude, arsenic.
You're the one who's being "silly," if we're talking in such terms, by assuming that the OP is talking in the same terms in her dsd's hearing as she does on a website to other parents asking for support.

[ArsenicSoup]

She has told us that both she and the poor girl's father refer to her mother as 'crazy'. So it's not just her and not just on this website. It is the Dad and his partner and it is in RL.

It is not, in life generally, acceptable to refer to someone with Bipolar disorder as 'crazy'. Anyone with the DSD'd best interests at heart should be more careful, not less.

[clam]

But not necessarily in front of the child! In fact, the child doesn't come to the house at the moment anyway. Keep this in perspective and to the point.

[NickiFury]

I think in a situation such as this the adults involved need to be whiter than white. Children love their parents no matter how screwed up they are and I think it would hurt and anger a child to hear her mother referred to in that way. If the mother does have issues then the damage is already being done consistently. I do agree that it's better to find a way to help a child cope with that rather than use negative language that will immediately get her defending her Mum and make her less reachable.

Awful and terribly sad situation for all involved. Is there anyway you could have other adults around some of the time OP, other family members or friends who could take the pressure off and ensure that false accusations would be less likely. This child needs hefty doses of normality as often as possible but everyone involved must be protected.

[ArsenicSoup]

Good habits and maintaining some internal respect and empathy for the mother are the point.

Besides, there are other DC in the house who will pick up on the mood of contempt. How is that helpful for anyone?

[clam]

Where does it say that the OP and her husband are articulating these thoughts around the other children?

[NickiFury]

You don't think the other children will have picked up on all the negativity? Of course they will. Unfortunately children feel everything no matter how hard you try and hide it .

[ArsenicSoup]

YY Nicki

[clam]

Well, I'm sure they will be aware that there are issues, but that might be more to do with the fact that they appear to have been falsely accused of sexually abusing their step-sibling. If that's the case, then they might well know that their parents are trying to take steps to deal with any repeat event.

The point is that this is a very complex and difficult issue to deal with. Not to mention frustrating, if Social Services are dismissing it all. Picking on the OP for one carelessly-used phrase is not the most important thing here.

[NancyJones]

I think the op has been hounded off. If she doesn't come back then I don't blame her. She came here asking for advice. She has been accused of not caring about her dad yet she has said she has contacted SS 5 times and her dsd's gran gas also contacted them. The op is worried about her dsd but also understandably worried about the other children in the home.
The child is not necessarily being abused. Her home live with her mother may just be so chaotic and messed up that she is making allegations as a cry for help. It is very difficult if you live in a different time zone and have no legal right (op). SS need to get their act hide they here before this disturbed child becomes an even more disturbed young woman.
Op, how would you feel if she came to live with you on a permanent basis? Maybe she just needs stability.

[ArsenicSoup]

Picking on the OP for one carelessly-used phrase is not the most important thing here.

But it isn't, is it? It is representative of a whole mindet. Many words and phrases on this thread illustrate that.

Viewing the DSD as a dangerous contaminant to be shut out of the family is a related notion. She needs much more support.

Fluffling's suggestions are very humane, loving and intelligent.