I don't like my stepdaughter.

[Momof3girls3boys]

Ok. Here it goes. First I want to say, I have two stepdaughters. I am raising the youngest in my home. She is in all aspects my child although I didn't give birth to her. I love her unconditionally as I do my biological children. My problem is my older stepdaughter. I have major concerns and problems with her. About a year and a half ago she accused my 7 yr old of touching her sexually. My step daughter was 8 at this time. These accusations are totally unfounded and completely untrue. Two different state child services found these claims (and others I will mention shortly) to be totally untrue. In addition due to her mother trying to revoke my husband's visitation rights a court has also concluded all the accusations to be unfounded. A year prior to this incident (so 2 1/2 yrs ago) she accused my 16 yr old of touching her inappropriately (unfounded and untrue). My stepdaughter, 2 1/2 yrs ago, told me of her kissing 2 boys and a girl at school. When asked she told me she kissed all of them with using tongues. She has also accused me (I want to let you know I am a certified teacher, I teach kindergarten) of abusing her 1 1/2 yrs ago. Now, I do believe in spanking, but with that being said, I rarely spank my children. And I would never lay a hand on someone else's child. I might give a total of one spanking a year to all my kids combined. At that time she accused her dad, my husband of holding a sword to her throat and threatening to cut her head off and that he shot her with BB guns. All of her accusations have been investigated by child protective services and my husband, myself and the children have all been found innocent of all of her accusations. My husband has decided up until this point that she would no longer come to our house, but now she will be coming for Christmas this year. I'm so nervous about her visit and really am not looking forward to it. I feel horrible about this. I am going to try to have a great Christmas with all our kids but I can't get myself to quit disliking my stepdaughter no matter how hard I try. I've defended her to my husband when this all first happened saying her mother probably put her up to saying this stuff and that she's just a child. But now that I'm faced with having her come again and possibly accuse someone of something else I feel the way my husband did at first. Please help me deal with my conflicting emotions. Tell me I'm a horrible person or whatever. I am trying to work through this and except her as my daughter.

[Pagwatch]

No. I think the question 'what type of help is helpful' is fine.

You may prefer to try and change it to a debate about who is posting and why but that seems to me to be an agenda in itself.

[Pagwatch]

'they may well have dysfunctional relationships with their own DSC'

Quite. They may also be crusty faced cows. Perhaps a warning could incorporate that somehow

< ponders warning wording>>

[StardustBikini]

I think you're right, pag - it probably is an "agenda" to introduce into the discussion who is posting what advice, and commenting, for instance, about how some posters remind others of a PBP, based on the nature and content of their posts.

Personal attack on PBP's who have gone down in the annals of MN history would also be pushing an agenda, wouldn't it?

They may also be crusty faced cows. Perhaps a warning could incorporate that somehow
That goes without saying across the whole site though doesn't it? Unnecessary to single out the step-board particularly. There are plenty of warnings elsewhere the net about MN members - with some representative quotes, including some from posters on this thread

[thebluehen]

I think the whole detaching thing isn't necessarily the right way to go.

However, if you have tried helping and supporting but not been supported yourself, then it is a short term self protecting solution.

There are many men who do want the support and help but only when it suits their agenda. (Cooking, cleaning etc) but not disciplining or providing suitable boundaries. If you're feeling used for the mundane tasks, but undermined in other aspects of parenting, then I suggest detaching is a way to deal with the situation.

The step mother has no access to help and support as she has no legal responsibility for her step child, therefore, she has no legal duty either.

Dads are perfectly capable of looking after their own kids. If they want to commit to family life, then they need to compromise and teach their children to do so as well. Some can't manage that and in my opinion, fail their kids because of it. That makes him a poor parent but so often it is the step parent who is blamed snd criticised.

[FlossyMoo]

I also think the question what type of help is helpful is fine.

In regards to who decides I think that is down to the person seeking the advice, MNHQ and other posters ( we are a self monitoring site......I think).

Being a SP at times is harder than being a parent. The fine lines you have to walk, finding the correct role and balance, clashes of parenting style and sometimes dealing with a difficult ex can make it amazingly stressful. Given all that I don't believe that the straight off the bat "advice" of cutting contact, leaving, not supporting the child is helpful at all. Sadly I have seen this "advice" given time and time again.

Personally I see the kind of helpful advice as that which looks past the childs behavior and asks the question why? Children are very rarely just bad/evil there is usually and adult influence behind it. You cannot "fix" the childs problems until you first fix the issues that are causing it. I don't believe that agreeing with a poster who hates their SDC is helpful at all, I will never cajole but I will offer sympathy and attempt to give perspective where possible.

[Pagwatch]

Actually Star I have an agenda .
I read through active conversations and I click on threads and I comment as honestly as I can, giving advice and support in the best way I can.
I'm sure I don't get it right all the time but this is a parenting chat board and it is open to any members to comment as they see fit.
Posters are free to sift what is hopefully a spectrum of advice and chose their route to the best of their ability.

What I don't have is an agenda which seeks always to lecture, hector and dominate in an attempt to ensure that only one type of advice is heard.

[ArsenicSoup]

thebluehen

Your example is what I mean by a 'marriage problem' or maybe a 'man problem'. Horrible, stressful situation but why would anyone in that situation detach from the DSC instead of considering divorce/relate?

[StardustBikini]

Being a SP at times is harder than being a parent. The fine lines you have to walk, finding the correct role and balance, clashes of parenting style and sometimes dealing with a difficult ex can make it amazingly stressful

All of those pale in comparison to the stress felt by a stepparent when her own child is threatened. It is that aspect that is overlooked again and again on threads like this - the behaviour of one child is the home damaging another and that child's parent has a moral and legal responsibity towards her own children over and above any others.

Everyone has to decide their own boundaries - some parents will accept low level bullying of their own children by their stepchildren. Others will have zero tolerance of physical violence. If a child is harmed (emotionally or physically) at the hands of a stepsib and the parent was aware of the risk, they are considered neglectful in law. But some of the advice given on this board suggests that a stepmum should be expected to support a stepchild no matter what harm they inflict - which is a big ask of any parent (check out the teen board, where parents are battling with the choice of which of their children to support).

To often, IMO, on this board, stepmothers are advised to place the needs of their own DCs alongside and equal the needs of their stepchildren. Given how difficult and challenging blended families are, it is inevitable that DCs will sometimes need a voice to champion their needs. Sometimes, the needs of one child will conflict with the needs of another, and when the adults of the household discuss it, each child needs a voice championing their cause. If a child can't rely on their own parent to speak up for them, who can they turn to?

[Pagwatch]

It's a matter of perception then. I think the advice is usually a broad mix. I think 'but what about this poor child' is often immediately seen as anti-step mother which, given that it often comes from step mothers, is frequently IMO a massively defensive interpretation of what has been posted.

[StardustBikini]

Posters are free to sift what is hopefully a spectrum of advice and chose their route to the best of their ability.

I agree - my issue has never been with the advice and opinions of others, but the expressed desire (by some) to "stamp out" the advice they personally disagree with. If it was a "breath of fresh air" when the spectrum of advice was far narrower, and if MNHQ previously banned posters who didn't agreed with the majority view, them posters don't get the chance to "soft" through advice do they? They only see what the moderators consider to be helpful.

[ArsenicSoup]

All of those pale in comparison to the stress felt by a stepparent when her own child is threatened. It is that aspect that is overlooked again and again on threads like this - the behaviour of one child is the home damaging another and that child's parent has a moral and legal responsibity towards her own children over and above any others.

Surely in the (rare) cases when your child is genuinely under threat, it is better to leave than to limp on modelling dysfunction to all the children?

That has to be at least worth suggesting/considering? (Depending whether you are offering advice or in the situation yourself).

[ArsenicSoup]

(And diagnosing girl-children with 'syndromes' over the net willy nilly)

[ArsenicSoup]

Oops lost a post.

It is at least an alternative view to 'detach, detach, detach'.

[Pagwatch]

Mnhq don't bam posters for having a minority view. Anyone banned was behaving outside the ethos of the site or basically being a nasty twat.
You seem worried about pbps so hopefully that will reassure you that they are not people who behave appropriately and are no loss .

MNHQ don't moderate - they delete posts which are reported. If you have a problem with any post or poster report it. They will review your report and take a view.

If my understanding about the thrift of your post is correct you seem to have a problem with mnhq and their ethos. Perhaps you would like to rides that with them rather than trying to personally craft your vision of how this board operates on to their website?

I'm perfectly happy with it, many others seem so too so perhaps start a thread on site stuff where you can thrash this out with them
Because otherwise, repeatedly suggesting in your posts that everyone disagreeing with you either hates step mothers, or has a dysfunctional relationship with their child, or that there is a conspiracy by mnhq to sort posts against you and that there is some issue with pbps that I don't really understand , will start to make you look a bit obsessed and deeply controlling with a touch of paranoia.
I'm sure that false impression would be best avoided

[NickiFury]

Its clear that the majority of issues described on here are created by the relationships or marital problems of the adults concerned. Unfortunately the real problems start when the adults lack insight or willingness to address them and find it easier to park responsibility for the problem at the step child's door. After all, they can't really fight back can they, especially the really young ones? Many adults have the emotional intelligence to see that and act accordingly. Many do not unfortunately as we have seen on this thread (and I am not talking about the OP). Those posters need to be told that they are behaving badly, not agreed with.

As previous posters have said, no where else on the boards would detaching and no contact be offered as a "solution" for a child aged 8. Why on earth should that not be challenged here?

Stardust there will always be situations where one child may need to be "championed" over the other even in non blended families. These are normal family dynamics and need to be dealt with as and when. If the child's bio parent (and I use that term only to differentiate here as it's not one I like) is not allowing the step parent to do so then THAT is the problem and it is within the adult relationship NOT with the child. If this is happening repeatedly then a healthily functioning adult would surely examine their own behaviour and then the state of the adult relationships to find out where the issue lies not blame a child. It seems quite obvious that frustrations within the adult marriage/relationships both ex and present are the main cause of conflict within blended families and it is abusive and shows great immaturity imo to get step children to shoulder the blame.

I second starting a thread in Site Stuff about how this board operates. I think it would be most helpful to shine a light in here and discuss in detail the idea that Step parents are being attacked or treated badly.

[Stalequavers]

Oh how bad this thread turned out.

Has anybody that has been pulling op apart actually been in a similar position? Because if they have I'd like to hear how they dealt with it.

MN is getting to be a place where you have to triple check every single post incase you may have worded your thoughts and feelings incorrectly and may offended any one one of its thousands of members.

This is supposed to be a place of support yet many OPs leave the thread they started completely chewed out. I have a 'mother' with MH. She terrorised my db and I. I can't have any sympathy for her because of the damage she has done. Yet the dd DM in this post has received more support than the actual op who was askng for it. It was rather a large assumption that the op used the word crazy around her DSD.

It's not unnatural to want to protect any children OR adults in your house hold against allegations of abuse.

This poor child has been failed by both parents and the SS. She clearly is disturbed and needs urgent help. It's ok for the OP to feel like she is not up to that. Her updates tell that she loves her. We are only human - not the wonder women that some posters like to think they are. There is so much hypocracy and irony on this thread it's depressing.

If this was my dh I would be encouraging him to find a place to live with his dd alone so that he could help her and get her the best treatment whilst keeping the bigger family connection 'light' so that it wasn't added pressure for her.


I think it's pretty shit that SM are expected to renounce any personal feelings for them selfs or their bio children for the sake of everyone else. Everybody needs to be protected in situations like this.

[HesNotAMessiah]

Pagwatch

Wow, is that not a tiny bit aggressive? And personal?

I brought up the Talk Guidelines issue because this thread seem to have degenerated into a shouting match between those that support either of two views:-

• that the OP's children should be protected from a potentially damaging situation
  
• that the OP should support her DP in 'rescuing' his daughter from the awful situation she is in (and include her in the family home)
  

Both arguments have their merits, but the second was also accompanied by many accusations towards the OP based on supposition and deliberate minsinterpretation of what wasn't said in the OP's posts.

To the extent the OP had to return to defend herself and confirm she was not the evil, uncaring and selfish witch she was being portrayed as by some.

The thread's stopped being about the OP's situation so just let it die now?

[Stalequavers]

nicki I totally agree that sometimes a child even in bio families need championing but in this case the circumstances are worthy of concern. Sexual abuse,allegations and violent thoughts are huge red flags. The safely of everyone needs to be considered.

This child should absolutely not be abandoned, her df needs to step up and help her.

YY to HesNot

[Pagwatch]

Hesnotamessiah
I'm sorry if you saw it as aggressive. I think reminding posters to report breaches of talk guidelines is important as mnhq frequently complain that when posters fail to report they are unaware of issues.

I honestly can't apologise for you regarding it as personal because I don't why it would seem personal to you. It was a general comment about everyone on the thread seeing others posting through their own viewpoint. I think that is true isn't it?

But I am sorry that my post upset you even if I am not sure you interpreted it as I meant it.

[NickiFury]

I could not agree more stalequavers I was addressing Stardust and her previous post not the OP. The thread has meandered somewhat, which may or may not be helpful to the OP but is certainly helpful to the board as I whole I feel.

[HesNotAMessiah]

I didn't see it as personal to me.

You used the term 'you' in a very pointy finger kind of way, or so it seemed to me. And that's the danger of text forums, very difficult to convey the appropriate emotion in words.

But it did appear very obviously aimed at Stardustbikini as a group of you have been ganging up on them. There's been a bit of group back slapping going on as well which is of no help to the OP at all.

If you can't see that, maybe you want to read through the thread again. See if you can spot where it stopped being 'helpful' and started being argumentative and aggressive towards the OP.

You won't have to read far. Sadly for the OP he had to read through pages of the stuff.

[HesNotAMessiah]

she, not he...

[NickiFury]

You should report any threads you feel break talk guidelines Hes that tends to clear up whether or not people are posting problematically.

[Pagwatch]

I used 'you' rather than 'one' because 'one' sounds a bit pompous.

I've read the thread. I'm perfectly apply with what I have posted. If anyone is unhappy with anything I have posted they are welcome to report it/me.

I can only be responsible for what I post. I can't be responsible for how you interpret it. I have apologised to you if I have offended you. If you have a problem with anything else I have posted then by all means report me.
That's how it's supposed to work and I am perfectly happy with that.

[HesNotAMessiah]

Think it's time for a 'whatever' from me...