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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Hate my partners kids

298 replies

nataliemej · 08/11/2014 23:30

Hi all firstly thanks for reading my post and I'd like to say before I start please don't criticise me I am asking for help I know its considered evil/selfish for a woman to say she hates children but I cannot help the way I feel, when someone says the don't like cats for example no one bats an eyelid but you are looked at like satan when you say you don't like or want children why is this any different?
Anyway Im here because Im in a 5 year relationship with the man I love its perfect except for one major problem I cannot stand his kids he classes himself as a weekend dad even though he has them 3 full days a week sometimes for a they sleep every fri, sat and sun religiously every week and he will not change his plans EVER
I know this is called being a good dad and this shows just what a good man ive got but I cant help feeling like I never get to spend any quality time with him I see him on an evening in the week when we've both been working all day then we go to bed early because we are tired. His ex and her partner have all weekend every weekend to make plans and do what they want
His kids are 13 and 15 they are both spoilt speak to him and everyone else like dirt the girl is very jealous of me and will not leave her dads side when Im there so I dont really get to talk to him they have always got to be the centre of attention and they are the bosses of the house.
My question is how do I approach him about spending a bit of time with me on the weekend without looking like a bitch as I know this will be a touchy subject as everything is about the kids and what makes them happy
I cant help feeling like part of the furniture and I do not want this to ruin what is otherwise a happy relationship I just want to spend some time alone with him.

OP posts:

IoraRua · 17/03/2016 22:40

Good for you OP. From reading the beginning of this thread I was supporting you. Kids are important, but so are you. You sounded at the end of your tether, he was letting them walk all over you - it's not a good situation for anyone.

Eliza22 · 18/03/2016 08:27

Hi OP. I'm so pleased you've made this decision. Many step mum's look back after years of upset with kids/adults and probably wish they'd had the courage to walk away. Would I put myself in the position I now find myself in? No. Not at all.

Kangaroo123 · 18/03/2016 12:08

Well OP you seemed to make a decision in the end and your psychological health is better for it.

Sausage1989 · 23/11/2018 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

timelord92 · 23/11/2018 20:46

Natalie I absolutely agree with you that any relationship needs time together. Just because you have step children coming every weekend shouldn’t mean you can’t have that time. Especially as their mum has that opportunity every week.

There is a lot of posters saying that children should always be the number one priority but I disagree as children shouldn’t be put on a pedestle. This is evident in how his girls behave as it sounds very unhealthy. Why a 15 year old would want so much attention from their dad is beyond me. They should be out with friends. Most of the time people complain about teenagers texting and being on their tablets too much which is normal behaviour, not being joined at the hip with their dad and being allowed to be rude to you or anyone else.

We had my ds every weekend but we’ve asked for one weekend in the month to ourselves as a compromise and it worked well with her mum aswell who wanted to see her on a ‘fun day’.

I think this same scenario will play out again and again with his children and your partners time no matter who he’s with.

CFairy8380 · 08/04/2019 15:04

Hi, I don't think you are a bitch or should be labelled 1 at all. I am in the same position as you, my partner of 3 years has 4 children, 6, 9, 15 & 19 years old - not one of them knows the words please or thank you. We are currently in discussions if we will continue our relationship or not as I cannot stand his children, I love kids & am great with them, I have 2 god children & twin 5 year old nephews but his kids -- NO! Really wouldn't care if they fell off a cliff - NOW I KNOW THAT SOUNDS HARSH - but when you are not a mother & are the only important person in your own universe, then yes we will be selfish - we have no others to have concern for - so why not. But I will say, I love my man very much but I am not naive to the fact that I only come first in my world, and my decision to be made is simply, is just love enough??? Don't feel bad for not being able to help how you feel! x

lawlaw14 · 08/04/2019 18:46

He only has them part time so you have many free days without them
If you dislike them then ask yourself why ?

Many parents are full time ones my stepdaughter lives with us as her mums for addictions and social services won’t let her live there so ask yourself god forbid if they’re mum couldn’t have them how would you cope full time having them live with you ?

I know how you feel my step daughter is very hardwork rude lazy and wants her dad to herself no one else near him she’s 12 was 6 when we meet I simply have hobbies work and friends and let her have him to herself she does stay at her mums a couple days a week
You can’t have a parent to yourself only a parent would really understand this you choose him and his kids but you do get child free time we don’t we have 3 in the house both work and deal with his ex’s problems

You just got to find a way through re thinking a way to get along if not sadly you have to end it as his kids will always come first as that’s what parenting is x

tisonlymeagain · 08/04/2019 20:27

This is a really old thread?

lawlaw14 · 09/04/2019 00:17

It’s not that old and it may help others in the Same situation

Mrscaindingle · 12/04/2019 21:51

ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE IE IE

tisonlymeagain · 12/04/2019 22:12

@lawlaw14 thread was started by the OP in 2014, feels quite old to me!

Bananas2018 · 13/04/2019 14:42

No one should ever expect a parent to not put their children first. However, I don't think it's unreasonable to perhaps suggest an odd day at the weekend so you can spend alone time with your partner. Surely the mother would want to spend time with the kids at the weekend, as presumably they're in school Monday - Friday?
My partner is a SAHD and he has his DD Mon- Fri and she's with her mum all weekend. But quite often we will pick her up early on Sunday so we get to spend quality time with her.

daftgeranium · 14/04/2019 10:12

I'm sorry to hear this OP. It sounds you are in a relationship with a man who (a) doesn't parent his kids properly and (b) expects to have all the benefits of a relationship without putting any effort, energy or love into it.

Not all men with kids will behave like this. But some will, if they can get away with it, and you will be the loser.

Ask yourself why you are in this relationship. It sounds as if it is really bad for you. Perhaps it's time to walk away and find something that is positive for you.

Good luck.

daftgeranium · 14/04/2019 10:14

ah just read other posts. ....glad you had the courage to do it. xxx

Scorpvenus1 · 30/05/2019 15:58

why should she leave him for this???

No, No, No just No. sorry.

If he doesn't have a time for a relationship then he shouldn't have seeked one out with her, she is not evil or stupid or wrong. We all have rights to our opinions with out being judgy

he is as much to blame.

MammEEE · 31/05/2019 10:12

Forget that they're "rude and have no manners" etc. That's a horrible thing to say about kids. They'll be grown ups one day and I'm sure you won't want them to remember and think of you as the dads evil wife who never liked them.

Just speak to your DH and explain you'd like a date day/night of weekend. Maybe agree once every 3 months or so you'll have a date day or weekend. Every couple need alone quality time sometimes kids or no kids. That's not being unreasonable at all.

MammEEE · 31/05/2019 10:17

Also I'll add I know someone who never had time alone with hubby after having kids and it ended with her having an affair. She came to her senses, they got over it and are happy now but both agreed they had become parents only and not a couple anymore. Now they make sure they have couple time now and then to remember why they got together in the first place all those years ago and.

MichelleC69 · 31/05/2019 15:47

Agree with the person who said the below (don't know how to quote in a post!)

My husband and I both share custody of three kids and we arrange childcare with our exes such that we always have at least one weekend night to ourselves. That doesn't mean he sees his kids any less, or I mine. It just means that both parties get some weekend adult time. I would suggest to your partner that he swaps some nights around, but has the kids the same number of nights. Then you're not asking him to see them any less.

As a divorced parent I believe that myself and my ex have a right to an adult life away from the kids including weekends and holidays. We share these equally.

I think your partner and his ex are both being terribly selfish, why should you have to put up with two badly behaved teens every weekend, not go anywhere, not enjoy long lie ins or nights out.
The answer is you shouldn't.

LJF35 · 22/04/2021 05:54

I wonder if this relationship worked out ?

Bibidy · 22/04/2021 12:08

Sorry OP, I couldn't do this relationship. Haven't read through the whole thread but I am surprised you've got through 5 years if you don't get any weekend time together at all.

Bibidy · 22/04/2021 12:09

Oh sorry! Didn't realise this was an old thread!!

MrsDoctorDear · 22/04/2021 22:19

@LJF35

I wonder if this relationship worked out ?

Well considering she split up with him 5 years ago I'd say it didn't. Do people not read the OP's posts??

LJF35 · 27/04/2021 07:02

I’m new on this and I was reading the messages didn’t see that she had left I was hoping for an update not someone on their high horse .. mind your own with your snotty comment

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