Hate my partners kids

[nataliemej]

Hi all firstly thanks for reading my post and I'd like to say before I start please don't criticise me I am asking for help I know its considered evil/selfish for a woman to say she hates children but I cannot help the way I feel, when someone says the don't like cats for example no one bats an eyelid but you are looked at like satan when you say you don't like or want children why is this any different?
Anyway Im here because Im in a 5 year relationship with the man I love its perfect except for one major problem I cannot stand his kids he classes himself as a weekend dad even though he has them 3 full days a week sometimes for a they sleep every fri, sat and sun religiously every week and he will not change his plans EVER
I know this is called being a good dad and this shows just what a good man ive got but I cant help feeling like I never get to spend any quality time with him I see him on an evening in the week when we've both been working all day then we go to bed early because we are tired. His ex and her partner have all weekend every weekend to make plans and do what they want
His kids are 13 and 15 they are both spoilt speak to him and everyone else like dirt the girl is very jealous of me and will not leave her dads side when Im there so I dont really get to talk to him they have always got to be the centre of attention and they are the bosses of the house.
My question is how do I approach him about spending a bit of time with me on the weekend without looking like a bitch as I know this will be a touchy subject as everything is about the kids and what makes them happy
I cant help feeling like part of the furniture and I do not want this to ruin what is otherwise a happy relationship I just want to spend some time alone with him.

Hmm, obviously pressed a few buttons with you!

Pushed Red's buttons, Moniker? I doubt it. More likely it's that you are blind to the truth. That children must always come first with a parent.

Perhaps DD is insecure BECAUSE she knows OP resents her and wants her out of her father's life. And if I sensed that someone was trying to push me (and my sibling) out of my father's life, I'd be angry too. Perhaps she is afraid of losing her father all over again. First from divorce, then from an immature woman who can't stand not being the 'be all and end all' of her partner's life. This isn't a 'competition'. It's not a matter of 'winning'. It's a matter of making sure that you have a least a little room in your heart for your partner's children. I'd say being subjected to dislike from a stepparent would do quite a bit of damage to a child's 'inner self', wouldn't you? Much more damage than some 'childish behaviour' to try to stay in your father's life.

Hmm, obviously pressed a few buttons with you!

Yes Moniker you did press my buttons. You pressed fuckwit alert and the avoid at all costs buttons.

Come on, this is 5 years down the line. The OP hasn't just recently popped up in their and their DF's lives.

The DF is an idiot either because he thinks it's ok to spoil his DCs and accept horrible behaviour OR because he thinks it's ok for his DP to come second to his DCs for ever more and never to be given some respect as his DP.
I mean, why would you get together with someone that it's ok for your DCs to treat like crap?

Why is it ok for DCs over a very important phase of their development as reasonable human beings to be allowed to be spoilt speak to him and everyone else like dirt the girl is very jealous of me and will not leave her dads side when Im there so I dont really get to talk to him they have always got to be the centre of attention and they are the bosses of the house .Really, are these DCs going to turn into capable, reasonable adults able to cope with all that life throws at them for the next 40 50 60 years of their lives. I doubt it.

How happy is someone who is constantly seeking to be the centre of attention and spoilt by their DF or being shitty to their DSM, not very is the answer, I feel very sorry for them (the DCs). The parents need to take on their responsibilities, and if they don't aren't worth being with.

Moniker you just don't get it. It is the ADULT's responsibility to insure that the CHILD is secure. Not the other way round. Perhaps if the OP were to realize that if she would step out of herself and try and reassure the DC that she is not a threat to them and to work towards a good relationship with them things would resolve themselves. She's had 5 years to forge a relationship with them. Even a modicum of caring would have done it, especially at the beginning. But instead she's spent those years alienating them and trying to replace them in their father's affections. No wonder his DD is clingy! As a young girl my dear dad was very important to me! I'm sure DD feels the same. She's at the age where she needs to learn about men and her father is the main one she'll look to for that. How awful would it be for her to be pushed aside for an immature selfish stepmother! OP's DP certainly has enough love for them both. Too bad that OP is making him choose.

And you're right. I feel sorry for DCs, too. A stepmother who actively 'seeks to be the centre of attention' and 'be spoilt' by their father. She could choose to be a wonderful addition to their lives. A good friend and confidante. But she chooses not to be. It's sad.

Moniker you just don't get it. It is the ADULT's responsibility to insure that the CHILD is secure

I absolutely agree with this but imv it's the father who should be sorting out his DC's behaviour.
If the DF supports the DCs selfish, manipulative behaviour the outsider, the OP, probably doesn't stand a chance. Perhaps the OP should have made moves earlier in the relationship but even then the DCs were 9 or 10, 10 year olds can be controlling ime. But the OP probably took a back seat, didn't want to come between the DP and his DCs. When it's long running the DCs would have to admit oh, dear I've been nasty for years but now I'm going to be nice. Much easier for them to say there's nothing wrong with me or my behaviour it's that biatch of a GF that's the prob (and if I'm nasty enough she will eventually go away).

I think being manipulative and tantrummy for years must damage their ability to deal with relationships in the future.

My mum chose my step dad (he hated me) over me when I was around the age of the youngest.
I still feel a resentment and a deep anger and hurt about it all.
I appreciate it may be hard to get along with someone else's kids. ( especially if you 'hate kids' )
But equally what you do now and how you behave now will be effecting those kids forever. Teenage years are hard and the feeling of rejection stays with someone.

I am reading a fantastic, hilarious book atm (Man at the helm by Nina Stibbe) about how a young girl and her siblings coped when their father left their mother. In one passage she describes how it felt when he remarried and had children with his new wife.

She said that on the one hand it was quite exciting and gave her and her siblings something to talk about, and yet in another way it felt like they 'had been painted over in a brighter colour.'

As someone who has been through exactly that, I found it to be the most heartbreaking, wistful, poignant and accurate way of expressing how it feels to know that you are no longer (and maybe never were) your father's first priority.

Moniker I agree with some of what you say but it turns out here that the OP has moreorless HATED her SC (especially the SD) for nigh on 5 years. OK it may have escalated in that time but it seems as if it has grown into resentment of their taking her SO's time away from her.

The OP to me doesn't give off the vibes of wanting to spend time with, develop a relationship etc with the DC or not much of one, especially with the SD, instead she as the adult is focusing on their bad points.

And the father can help by sorting out his DCs behaviour but if the SC ultimately see a future SM who resents/hates them then they won't behave and play ball.

I bet if they all sat down and spoke about this it would help a lot. And it seems as OP has gone now anyway.

Ive read that book too, but that father doesn't bear any resemblance to the one being discussed in this thread though does he? Beyond being separated and having a new partner.

No he doesn't at all, admittedly, but it still goes some way to explaining why the DD may be 'clingy' according to the OP, and maybe has some insecurities.

I tried to have a relationship with them when I first met them id been with dp a few months n I took DD shopping swimming out for lunch etc even though I don't like children I realised I had to accept them and try and bond with them to make this work as they are part of the package n I knew he had kids when I met him so I must accept them
She acted like a brat with me getting worse every time I took her somewhere speaking to me like crap bossing me around ordering me to buy her things no please or thankyou this is why in the end I got fed and decided to take a back seat n keep myself seperated from them but obviously as they years have gone on this isn't working for us and something's needed to change

Natalie,

I hae some emapthy and sympathy for you.

I have kids. I like kids. I volunteer with kids sports clubs.

Living with my DSC can sometimes be like the housemates from hell.

Irrespective of DP's response to their behaviour I often feel like a stranger in my own home, that nothing that I value means anything to anybody else, that they feel they have the right to do whatever they choose, and that I waived any right to a little courtesy and respect by providing a roof over their head.

My kids are grown up, well adjusted young adults so I find it hard to believe it really is just me.

But when you feel the odd one out, it is deeply hurtful and it is easy to be resentful if you love your DP and feel they are not reciprocating.

HesNot, that does sound v hard and wearing - but what is the solution?

I am not without sympathy for natalie, but I still feel that she only has 2 choices: suck it up or leave.

V hard.

It is two choices.

Leave.

Or do something about it.

Given Natalie doesn't feel she has much to give these children (at the moment) the only thing she can do is explain to her DP she needs some of his time for the well being of their relationship. If he can't give it, he shouldn't have got into a relationship in the first place.

I don't subscribe to this idea that the kids must come first AT ALL TIMES, you can show love and caring for children without being constantly attentive. I'm sure they'd survive for an evening with a child friendly baby sitter playing games with them.

Maybe once that weeping sore is seen to, then dealing with the children will be easier.

I takes a brave person to say 'I'd like to be involved with your children, but I don't know how to' and ask for help.

How long's this been going on? 5 years? I think the OP deserves a medal for sticking in there, not criticism for daring to admit there's a problem.

It takes a brave person to say 'I'd like to be involved with your children, but I don't know how to' and ask for help

HesNot This is the wisest thing said on this thread. And what natalie should so if she wants to stay in the relationship. She isn't going to be able to build that bridge on her own. It will take her partner's help and cooperation. Even if she never becomes close to her DSCs, she can at least get to the point where they don't see her as a threat, but it will take effort from her partner, too.

How long's this been going on? 5 years? I think the OP deserves a medal for sticking in there, not criticism for daring to admit there's a problem.

I don't think she's had much criticism. She's had a lot of counsel not to just go ahead and marry him while, by her own account, hating his children. That's not so outre, is it?

If she hadn't been so objectionable and aggressive with her 'obviously none of you have been in my position' tantrumming, I might have summoned up the energy to explain that it is my own experience of being a full time SM in my 20s to a DSD and a DSS, who had been entirely abandoned by their mother when a baby and a toddler that informs my view. MY DSS had major EBD and a distrust of women (don't blame him for that considering) whilst my DSD and I were very close and I was, for all pracical purposes her mother.

But unworkable problems are unworkable problems. When someone you adore is part of a package with someone you find impossible to deal with (much less hate) there is seldom a happy ending.

Handing out medals for just prolonging the misery doesn't seem very positive TBH.

Oh, I am all for trying to affect change, but changing her DP is not in natalie's power.
Whatever the dynamics are between him, his DCs, their mother and natalie, she can only control her own behaviour and nobody else's.

After 5 years I'd be very tempted to cut my losses.

Arsenic

"But when you feel the odd one out, it is deeply hurtful and it is easy to be resentful if you love your DP and feel they are not reciprocating."

Yes. I bet it's awful. I really do. It's just... when you feel the odd one out, it is deeply hurtful and it is easy to be resentful if you love your DF and feel they are not reciprocating.

Get it?

Both experiences are awful. Nobody should feel like that - adult or child.

But.

As an adult, hard as it may be, you can walk away, even if it breaks your heart.

As a child, you can't even walk away. It just breaks your heart.

OP I hate to say it it sounds as if you took them out shopping/swimming etc but maybe didn't speak to them much or treat them as part of your family... if you take them out on a regular basis, spend time eg doing a puzzle, game etc then kids come to trust you and will confide in you.

I've done this with a neighbour's DD from age about 6 to now 11, she now confides in me if she's happy or not etc... not all the time and not everything but she knows I won't run to her mum etc.

It's all about making them feel as equals to you. And you do have to have patience.

if I could tell you about the SO of a friend of mine a single dad, she's taken on 3 DSD's since they were about 5-6 and say 9 or so... I'm sure they've made her tear her hair out and her SO helps out and won't stand for rudeness but she is always there... living there after a while and totally supportive. Now 2-3 years on she has her own DS with her SO. I'm sure she won't say it's been easy and she was 20 or so compared to her SO's 37 when they met.

nataliemej I do sympathise with you. Being a step parent is hard and pretty thankless. Try not to hate though, it poisons you.

I have a DS and DD and my DP has a DS from his first marriage, all teenagers. We have been together 7 years. It is very hard. My kids get on well with and like my DP, he works hard to keep the relationship.

It is completely different with my DSS, and has deteriorated over the years. When he is with us he does not come out of his room, his DF takes his food to him there, he will not talk to my kids (who he has known his whole life and used to be close to) and will not come into a room if I am in it. We have not spoken in months.

My DP totally understands how and why this has come about. We make time for each other, if the kids are with us we will still pop out for a curry on our own and bring them back a takeaway, go to the cinema too. Teenagers can look after themselves for an hour or so. It teaches them responsibility and trust.

One thing we do which does give us back some me time, is make sure we have a weekend away together two or three times a year. It has made a huge difference with being able to cope with the stress at home as a couple.

Maybe suggest that you have a weekend away together once a year. Surely that can not be too much to ask. What do you do about holidays? maybe you can have a week away even, would that work?

Also you should try with your DSD, how about taking her Xmas shopping to get something for her father? Small steps do make a difference.

I'm new to this site and I'm sure my post might ruffle a few feathers , this poor lady is struggling with her situation enough to write in to get advice and she is attacked by most of you . I wonder how many of you have experienced living in a blended family ? A family environment requires give and take from everybody and its not always about the kids , she isn't asking him not to have his kids , all she wants is some quality time with her future husband NOW and THEN and every adult with kids should have that . I myself live in a similar situation and its not easy sometimes , we have 7 kids between us and we all get along well apart 1 who goes out of her way to be rude , disobey rules , speaks to people like crap and yet has her dad wrapped around her little finger , ill say it , I know what its like to dislike a step child . Keep your chin up Natalie, despite what these people say you have rights in your relationship and its NOT about the kids all the time .

A family environment requires give and take from everybody and its not always about the kids
But it's the adults decisions that are causing the distress to the children. The children have no say and no control over the situation. They get put part time into a family where they don't feel like they belong, where they might not be liked or welcomed, where other children might be treated more favourably, they lose their role and identity from their position in the family, and they have to compete with other children and another adult, for the attention of their parent.
Your DSD had no say it the situation that she has been put into and you're complaining about your rights? I can understand why she isn't happy and making that clear through her behaviour.
It IS about the children, because it is their family security that is being disrupted by the adults.

Thanks chaos your right it isn't always about the kids you need to get the balance right, there needs must come first I understand that but it doesn't mean your partner has to be neglected after all who will be there in a few years when the kids are out on a weekend not caring what dads doing or who with