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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Hate my partners kids

298 replies

nataliemej · 08/11/2014 23:30

Hi all firstly thanks for reading my post and I'd like to say before I start please don't criticise me I am asking for help I know its considered evil/selfish for a woman to say she hates children but I cannot help the way I feel, when someone says the don't like cats for example no one bats an eyelid but you are looked at like satan when you say you don't like or want children why is this any different?
Anyway Im here because Im in a 5 year relationship with the man I love its perfect except for one major problem I cannot stand his kids he classes himself as a weekend dad even though he has them 3 full days a week sometimes for a they sleep every fri, sat and sun religiously every week and he will not change his plans EVER
I know this is called being a good dad and this shows just what a good man ive got but I cant help feeling like I never get to spend any quality time with him I see him on an evening in the week when we've both been working all day then we go to bed early because we are tired. His ex and her partner have all weekend every weekend to make plans and do what they want
His kids are 13 and 15 they are both spoilt speak to him and everyone else like dirt the girl is very jealous of me and will not leave her dads side when Im there so I dont really get to talk to him they have always got to be the centre of attention and they are the bosses of the house.
My question is how do I approach him about spending a bit of time with me on the weekend without looking like a bitch as I know this will be a touchy subject as everything is about the kids and what makes them happy
I cant help feeling like part of the furniture and I do not want this to ruin what is otherwise a happy relationship I just want to spend some time alone with him.

OP posts:
RedNailPolish101 · 18/09/2015 19:26

Surely they are almost old enough to look after themselves for a few hours.

I met my OH and knew he had children and have had my own nightmare due to a mother who doesn't care - but my OH has found babysitters to make sure we have quality "evening" time together.

I think if he loves you and wants you to be a part of his life as well as his children he would be supportive - they should not be allowed to treat you or anyone like dirt. I think maybe some guilt in there.

Branleuse · 18/09/2015 19:49

if you hate all children and especially his children, then you need to leave the relationship and should never have got into a relationship with a man with children. Hes probably already well and truly fucked off with you bitching about them.

Im always a bit surprised when people hate or dislike all children or all old people or all whatever. Surely they are just people and there are some you get on with and some you dont?

It sounds like the daughter is already insecure when youre around. Its not hard to tell when someone hates you. It creates quite a toxic poisonous atmosphere. How horrid to grow up with that

RedNailPolish101 · 18/09/2015 20:25

I think this is a lady at the end of her tether I don't think she hates this mans children but only the OP can say that. If you do OP you need to leave

I think she is saying is it too hard given these children treat their father like shit, me like shit am I wrong to want a couple of hours of couple time when its a weekend - and at their age I don't think she is at all, after five years!

swingofthings · 19/09/2015 08:17

"loving your partner means loving his kids"...
I don't agree with this at all. You don't make yourself love someone. You do or you don't. I have never managed to love someone I didn't like! What I would say is 'loving your partner means RESPECTING his kids'. By that, I mean accepting that they have a significant place in his heart, accepting that he believes in raising them one way which might be different, and that unfortunately, they will take physical and mental space.

Of course, that respect should go the other way around too, in a different way. Children should respect step-parents as such as accepting that the house is not just their dad but also his partner, and therefore some of their rules will apply.

WSM123 · 21/09/2015 03:47

I get how you feel, but at that age surely you guys can go out for dinner or something one evening and leave them at home? will he do that or is he too worried they will "hate" him if he takes time out with you? My partner is always worried that if he doesn't do all he can on the weekend with the kids that they will hate him one day (it doesn't help that his ex also tells him she will make sure they hate him)

Obs2015 · 21/09/2015 04:27

I don't agree with the 'kids come first' brigade actually.
We are ALL important. OP is as important in the family as anyone else.
I can't see this ending well though. I can't see any solutions or practical advice because I think her dp is not open to change.

Wdigin2this · 21/09/2015 10:29

I sooo agree with Obs2015, when did the notion that kids are the number one and sole priority, in a family creep in?!
Yes of course when they're tiny and fully dependant on you for their very existence, they have to be prioritised! But surely as they grow into young members of the family unit, they should be taught that...although their needs and differences are taken into account, they are now part of a team pulling the family through everything, good & bad and should be expected to join in all age appropriate situations!
I'm not suggesting they should need to worry about financing the household, but they should know the TV is communal, and not exclusively theirs to watch cartoons. I'm not suggesting they take turns in doing the family laundry or cooking, but they should be ably to make their beds and put their laundry in the basket....you know, learning life skills so that they don't end up useless citizens who think the world revolves around them...but contribute nothing, which I see all around me!!
Phew rant over!!!

Original poster
nataliemej · 16/03/2016 20:12

Hi I don't know if anyone will see this with ur being such an old thread but I just wanted to update u all that I have left my partner after his kids ruined my engagement party and my ex didn't say a word to them which left me in tears I realised if I were to marry this man that's what my life would be I would be treat like a nobody
I know I got a lot of stick for admitting on here I hated them but can I point out I literally had no time alone with my ex these kids did not have a bed time they went to bed when we went to bed he would never leave them in the house on their own if we went to the corner shop down the road they had to come in the car with us went into the kitchen to make a brew they were right at the back of us these kids wanted literally every single bit of dads attention but anyway I am so much happier I no longer take my antidepressants which I took for 4 years and couldn't cope without I never really knew the reason why I was so depressed but now I look back it's clear as day, anyway thanks everyone for your replies and thanks to everyone who inboxed me to let me know I was not alone, I hope u all too find happiness xx

OP posts:
Wdigin2this · 16/03/2016 20:23

Hi Natal, glad you came back on line. I'm sorry the relationship failed, but you're probably so much better out of it! My advice is that, you never go near a man with kids again!

broodypsycho · 16/03/2016 23:44

Yes their his kids but your his partner in life and in his bed, there has to be a happy medium. You'll be there once the kids get to 18 when they go out every weekend with their friends on the drink and when they get their own families. 3 days a week every weekend? No way. Ask if they can stay one 3 nights on the weekend and then one week 2 evenings during the week even if it a mess on during the week when they have school and youse work and 1 on the weekend. Or even 2 nights for tea and 1 night to stop over. The arrangement is not fair one in the long run no way.

broodypsycho · 16/03/2016 23:49

Just read the update. Good, I walked away and it's the best thing I ever done. Your partner will realise in time he can't let his kids rule his life and he'll learn that the hard way when they get over 18 and piss off with their own lives and he has no one to share his with.

Lightbulbon · 16/03/2016 23:54

I remember this.

It's a shame he wasted so many years of your life.

swingofthings · 17/03/2016 08:27

I think that despite the shared love, you just weren't compatible for each other. You were not ready to take on children and he wasn't ready to be anything else but a dad. If after 4 years you hadn't been able to resolve all those issues, it was unlikely to ever happen so separating was inevitably the best for everyone. He probably had a massive weight of his shoulder lifted, his kids are probably much better settled and as you say, you are much happier without all the stress and frustrations.

Sometimes you have to accept that love just isn't enough. You both did the right thing. Thanks for coming to update your situation, hopefully that will help many others in the same situation you were in.

Branleuse · 17/03/2016 08:47

well done OP, sounds like it was never going to work for any of you.

Fuzz01 · 17/03/2016 12:25

I have no sympathy tbh after reading the thread. I'm glad the DC are finally free. I wasdigusted how you hated children and expected them be seen but heard why would you start a relationship with a man who has children was beyond me. Unfortunately you one of few bad SM. Hopefully their DC DD find a partner more accepting of their presence.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 17/03/2016 17:42

Fuzz And I bet the OP is glad to be free as well.
what a relief for her Smile

broodypsycho · 17/03/2016 17:45

I sure would be. When starting off the relationship I asked what the contact arrangement was and if it ever changed I wouldn't have been happy. Taking someone on with kids every other weekend is a bit different 3 days every weekend every week. Good riddance and enjoy your life

Fuzz01 · 17/03/2016 18:50

I thought OP was a disgrace clearly jealsous of the children to hate them for no reason. Bit of Karma.

WSM123 · 17/03/2016 19:01

Obviously if people are thinking you are someone else (under another name) you are NOT ALONE, so take comfort from that at least.
The hard part is as soon as you suggest you want time with him, he (and the step bashers) hear "I don't want you to see your kids as much", which you would never say because him loving his kids and wanting to spend time with them is part of what makes him a good person.
Is there anything (like going to the beach) you can all do together but still just enjoy each others company -like when the kids are in the water and you are on the beach chatting, or similar??
If nothing like that can be done, just prioritise yourself, go out with mates etc and when you are less stressed (and around the kids less) they will likely be more tolerable.
Good luck

WSM123 · 17/03/2016 19:02

ooops looks like in too late sorry :-)

Eliza22 · 17/03/2016 20:21

This relationship has disaster written all over it. It's time to move on.

GeorgeTheThird · 17/03/2016 20:36

Goodness. I thought the situation the OP described was totally made up. Just goes to show...

Wdigin2this · 17/03/2016 22:05

Fuzz, don't you think your assumptions, based on the little we know about the OP's life, are a little harsh and presumptuous! Obviously, the situation she got into, was wrong for her, but that doesn't mean she's a bad person....anymore than other SM's who find living with someone else's DC difficult!

AvaCrowder · 17/03/2016 22:35

I noticed this was an old thread. Good for you for letting them go. I hope that your next boyfriend is hunky like hell and has no baggage.

My stepmother near enough hated me. Well she did. Probably still does. Life is too short to hate.

WeDoNotSow · 17/03/2016 22:39

probably for the best I'd say.
For all of your sakes