Hate my partners kids

[nataliemej]

Hi all firstly thanks for reading my post and I'd like to say before I start please don't criticise me I am asking for help I know its considered evil/selfish for a woman to say she hates children but I cannot help the way I feel, when someone says the don't like cats for example no one bats an eyelid but you are looked at like satan when you say you don't like or want children why is this any different?
Anyway Im here because Im in a 5 year relationship with the man I love its perfect except for one major problem I cannot stand his kids he classes himself as a weekend dad even though he has them 3 full days a week sometimes for a they sleep every fri, sat and sun religiously every week and he will not change his plans EVER
I know this is called being a good dad and this shows just what a good man ive got but I cant help feeling like I never get to spend any quality time with him I see him on an evening in the week when we've both been working all day then we go to bed early because we are tired. His ex and her partner have all weekend every weekend to make plans and do what they want
His kids are 13 and 15 they are both spoilt speak to him and everyone else like dirt the girl is very jealous of me and will not leave her dads side when Im there so I dont really get to talk to him they have always got to be the centre of attention and they are the bosses of the house.
My question is how do I approach him about spending a bit of time with me on the weekend without looking like a bitch as I know this will be a touchy subject as everything is about the kids and what makes them happy
I cant help feeling like part of the furniture and I do not want this to ruin what is otherwise a happy relationship I just want to spend some time alone with him.

qwerty7890 just wondering why have you re-activated this thread. The OP has more than likely long-gone (5 months since their last post).

I don't think it's very helpful, given that it generated strong comments and emotions at that time.

It's like stirring up bad feeling for no apparent reason ....

Some people don't realise about zombie threads etc, may be a new member? :)

A very fair comment StercusAccidit

Thanks, i did the same when i first joined after googling about a problem i had and being directed to a thread on mn.. i believe it was a few years old

Wow some of you are so harsh!! As if BMs and BF don't have an odd night out to get a rest??? What is seriously wrong with that??? Kids come first yes but really NO time with the partner on the weekend EVER. You would accept the life you have chosen more if you like normal couples everywhere went out and did sometime nice together from time to time, step children or not that is far from an outlandish request. No wonder you're feeling downtrodden...

Stercusacidic at your bingo card . I was waiting for the OW for a full house of stock responses too. No actually I am still waiting for 'the children came first ,so must always come first' as though we are all in some bizzare first come first served dash for the sales. Unless I missed that one.

Unless you have children, or close experience of children, there is nothing on earth that can prepare you for what it is like. I fell in love with someone who had kids when I didn't - this was many years ago and we are still together because we love each other. Each day is a struggle for me to deal with family life with kids, and each day is a struggle for my other half to deal with me not understanding kids - as I say this has been going on for years and it is a stress for both of us and the kids. We are discussing marriage again and the same hurdle is coming up, life with the kids. As many contributors to this thread have already stated, you need to love your other half's kids or life becomes very hard and sometimes miserable, but cut the OP some slack - kids come easy to some people and not others. I'm the latter type too.

OP, I hope you managed to get everyone involved to a workable place.

My relation married a man with DC, she had none of her own. She found it difficult to see him constantly behaving like a Disney Dad, and he found her lack of empathy with his children when they (regularly) behaved badly, unsupportive! The fact the EW was determined her DC would never become fond of their DF's wife (even though she'd been in their lives for years) didn't help either! But years roll on, DC grow up and volatile relationships mellow, I suppose I suppose I'm saying, roll with it as best you can, 'cos. eventually they'll fly the nests of both parents, or.....your life becomes a long drawn out argument/row/bad atmosphere, until either the DC move on...or you do! it's a hard road, but that's what you get for marrying a man! who doesn't often put your needs before his DC, and why did you ever think he would anyway!!

nataliemej - just want to offer a few words of support. If you've gone along with the kids staying over pretty much every weekend for five years, you've clearly done your best to make it work. People are very quick to criticize in this situation, "you knew what you were getting into", "kids have to come first" etc etc. Of course, he needs to do the right thing by the kids - I don't think you're disputing that in the message. You just want him to be firm with them when they behave badly (as a good parent should) and get the odd weekend together - I don't see anything unreasonable in that....

I'm in a similar situation - married to a man with two children from a former relationship and we have a new baby of our own as well. His children aren't yet teenagers so we're not putting up with any teenage behaviour yet and they're thankfully very nice kids. However, it is not straightforward at all being in this situation! You are certainly not 'foolish' for going into a relationship with children as an earlier poster commented (I'd rather say brave). I'd like to ask that poster how many situations in life they've got into where they knew exactly what to expect and handled everything perfectly - marriage, job, kids, etc???

Obviously, I don't know you or your partner, but if it was my husband I'd try and have the conversation with him about maybe swapping days. Say M/T/W one week and F/S/S next week if it's at all doable. I think the conversation needs to start by being complimentary about the kids and offering some kind of bonus for them (if that's the right word) - like a trip they'd like, activity or family Mexican night or something. Something like 'lets do more on the weekends we have them, but lets not necessarily do every weekend so we get time together too'???? Don't know if that would work in your case, that's how I'd try and approach it with mine though...Best wishes

Hi,

I came across this as I was trying to find out how to like my partners children.
He has two boys one five and one two and a half. We have lived together a year and this weekend he accused me of "not liking his kids"
Unfortunately he is right. I've tried so hard to try and get on with them but they are very difficult.
The eldest is five and a half and never says please or thank you. He eats with his hands. Shows what he is chewing and finds it funny. They will only eat sat in the front room which is ruining my furniture and carpet.

He makes strange animal like noises for no reason. Calls me stupid and says he hates me. He literally never stops jumping on my furniture, Banging doors.
If he doesn't get his own way he tantrums in a way I have honestly never seen before. He won't go to bed till he drops. The youngest is calmer but he copies his brothers behavior. I have had two girls myself but they have left school now.
My partner won't hear a bad word about his boys so I have given up trying to broach the subject of their behavior. He buys them gifts all the time and to me this embeds their bad behavior as they get gifts wether they behave or not. In the supermarkets they run wild, scream if put in a trolley and people stare at me as they think I'm their mother! I love my partner to bits but I don't know how to deal with the weekends or nights when we have them.

I understand how the opening poster feels. It's not nice. I feel guilty as I've tried hard to like them but I can't. :(

I love my partner to bits but I don't know how to deal with the weekends or nights when we have them.

Do you really love him though - or do you love the man you got to know before you discovered his parenting style?

You say that your DP doesn't discipline his kids, he lets them disrepsect you and your home, and allows them to misbehave and upset others in public. Is that the man you love?

I've often thought that the advice not to introduce a new partner to the DCs "until it is serious" is misguided, and your post, 1974, only goes to show what can happen if you form a romantic relationship with a person without seeing them in their capacity as a parent.

The man you say you love is the same man who stands by and allows you to be disrespected by his young DC and the same man who is failing to parent his DCs. Do you really love him, now you know that about him?

That behaviour would drive me batshit crazy too. The problem is it won't change. If your dp doesn't correct this behaviour then it is obviously how they have been brought up to behaviour. Personally, I'd run for the hills!!

I believe you can love a child even if you don't like their behaviour. My OH doesn't like my DS behaviour much. It's the 'little' things, the fact he is messy, his lack of motivation, his grumpiness etc... he is not the most pleasant teenager if you only focus on the negatives. However, because OH also sees the positives, even if he has to make more of an effort to do so, I do know that deep inside, he does very much care for DS and would be devastated if something happened to him.

I saw it this summer when DS got hurt through no fault of his and OH ran to pick him up and carry him to safety. I knew then that however much he moans about him in every day life, he does care for him.

If you can't even feel that level pf care for the child, then you need to consider giving up the parent. You have to see it that they come as a package and this will not change, so either you make the best of it, or you accept that it just will not work and move on.

After 5 years with him, if you havent grown to at least like his children, he's with the wrong woman.

I'm finding myself agreeing with the original poster and Mozzchopsthirty. I came on here today to ask a question along similar lines and found this. MY DH has two children aged 10 and 6. I don't hate them by any means but I object to some of their behaviour and I would have different rules than my partner has. I have a son too, he's 16. We all live in one house, my son there all the time and his there 50% of the time. His ex deliberately messes with our plans - example we had a party for our adult friends on a weekend she was due to have the children. We got a text the day before saying the children wanted to come to the party and DH agreed to have them. I was annoyed but what could I say? Sorry I don't want your kids to my party? But we HAD arranged it for when they would be at their mum's. Second example, it's my son's birthday in a few weeks and he wants some friends over and he was pleased to find out that the kids are with their mum that weekend. Now (what a surprise) she wants us to have them. This is never reciprocal (ie it's all extra time for us). I tried talking to DH and he says well how would you feel if you had the opportunity to have more time with your kids? Well yes, but why, when it seems deliberately aimed at screwing up our plans, does he not occasionally say no? I'm on a hiding to nothing with this, I either have to agree (when I don't want to) or get into a row about it.

Thoughts?

Difficult, can see both sides. On one hand your OH doesn't get a break from your son, so he probably feels that you are being unfair to think you are entitled to time without his children around.

At the same time, I do understand your annoyance that your plans are affected by changes you are not involved with.

The only way is talking, sharing your feelings and compromising.

Yes, good point, but my DS is nearly 16, he keeps himself to himself and is often out or staying over with his friends. We can leave him at home and go out to see our friends or go to the pub or whatever, so we do get plenty of adult time in spite of him living with us. Meanwhile when SDC are with us DH is totally focused (and I mean TOTALLY focused) on them and I just become the housekeeper, running around cooking and tidying up after them. So when we arrange something like a party, which involves a LOT of work on my part not to mention the expense, and she dumps the kids on us and he just agrees, it really hacks me off

I would say you can't have them that weekend but can arrange an alternative extra contact ?

OP has previous for upsetting the kids, we wanted to avoid "Daddy says you can't come to his party"

I've been in the same position - where Ex has deliberately shoved the kids over to us because she knows OH would never want to say no - knowing full well we've arranged something. Yet she would complletely freak if I did that to her. It's not fair on the kids - it really isn't - they need to know that there are consistent, regular times with both parents and a lack of conflict. An Ex who is deliberately stirring up conflict - even if it is just to serve her own needs - is putting her children second.

Unfortunately - getting an OH to see that it is important to MANAGE a step family - which takes a lot of sensitivity - is impossible in my experience. And if it just comes down to 'Well the kids might live here anyway - then what would you do? Or - 'of course they can come anytime, without warning'. Or just ignoring a need for your as a couple of have time to develop a relationship. Well that ISN'T managing a step family and totally IGNORING all the relationships at play.

So I feel for merlot - if she needs to manage keeping her 16 yr old happy, the tough job of being a 'housekeeper, parent' etc without any control that normally comes with being a parent - of course it is going to cause strain.

Natalie, if you're a) still on this thread and b) still with your partner, can I just tell you, I was in a similar situation many years ago! Not exactly because I had my own DC, and when we met all of our DC were late teens, and to be fair my DH and I had time together!
But, I had the same situation with DSD, very demanding, completely spoiled and wanting to be number one in DF's life, we got on reasonably because I didn't need to be in her company often. But years down the line, those things haven't changed, she's still demanding but now it's financially as well, and even though I love DH and know he loves me, and our lives are generally good, if I could tell my younger self anything it would be.....don't do it!!!
Sorry if all of that is confusing, but it's how I genuinely feel, and I'd bet many other people feel the same!

Hi nataliemej,

Given the kids ages at the moment, they still need guidance and that assurance that their parents are always there for them, but there should come a time when they are taught that other people close by are just as important. In my experience, if they don't get taught this, they grow to depend on the parents too much and this is where the WANTING and EXPECTING start to manifest, they basically expect the attention all the time and don't grow to understand independence. I totally get that kids will always come first, but not to the detriment of it affecting the relationship between their partners.

I speak from experience and get your frustration, so believe me when I tell you this... if your partner was serious about you and the relationship, he should be assuring you and making the changes.

I think it would be a big mistake for your partner to marry you. You say you hate his children - but you probably pretend to get along with them while they are there. The kids will know that resentment lies behind your pretence and that's probably why they are so horrible to you.

You cant help how you feel - but loving your partner means loving his kids. You cant meet half way on this, and your feelings are not going to change anytime soon.

Hi zippey,

"loving your partner means loving his kids"...

True, but her partner should try to meet half way on this, a relationship should try to work both ways. I don't think it is un-reasonable for nataliemej to want to spend time with her partner... alone! We all need alone time, it's not a crime to exclude kids from time to time, it's not like she wants him to get rid of them for good.

Oh dear, it's all so exhausting isn't itt?! Does it...can it ever really work? No matter how kind, sensitive, caring, capable you are, you cannot love someone else's DC as you do your own, things you can tolerate in your own family really irritate/annoy in others.
We both have adult DC, and have found the only way to handle it, is to do everything with them separately, we tried blending years ago, but it never worked, so we have two Christmas', two Easters, two holidays etc etc....it works that way, just about!