Hate my partners kids

[nataliemej]

Hi all firstly thanks for reading my post and I'd like to say before I start please don't criticise me I am asking for help I know its considered evil/selfish for a woman to say she hates children but I cannot help the way I feel, when someone says the don't like cats for example no one bats an eyelid but you are looked at like satan when you say you don't like or want children why is this any different?
Anyway Im here because Im in a 5 year relationship with the man I love its perfect except for one major problem I cannot stand his kids he classes himself as a weekend dad even though he has them 3 full days a week sometimes for a they sleep every fri, sat and sun religiously every week and he will not change his plans EVER
I know this is called being a good dad and this shows just what a good man ive got but I cant help feeling like I never get to spend any quality time with him I see him on an evening in the week when we've both been working all day then we go to bed early because we are tired. His ex and her partner have all weekend every weekend to make plans and do what they want
His kids are 13 and 15 they are both spoilt speak to him and everyone else like dirt the girl is very jealous of me and will not leave her dads side when Im there so I dont really get to talk to him they have always got to be the centre of attention and they are the bosses of the house.
My question is how do I approach him about spending a bit of time with me on the weekend without looking like a bitch as I know this will be a touchy subject as everything is about the kids and what makes them happy
I cant help feeling like part of the furniture and I do not want this to ruin what is otherwise a happy relationship I just want to spend some time alone with him.

despite what these people say you have rights in your relationship and its NOT about the kids all the time .

Chaos These people are SM or SDC. They have lived through broken families, blended families. 1 parent families. They have lived with loving adults around them as well as adults who openly hate them or are toxic. These people have coped with horrible situations caused by SDC's, their own DC's, exes and Disney parents. The one thing that is clear from what THESE people say is that yes is is about the children because as children their choices and options are limited. The relationships the children have are not through choice. The adults DO have choices and options and can decide whether they live in a situation or not.

Natalie Your partner is not neglecting you he his spending time with HIS children. It is your resentfulness and hatred of his children that makes you feel neglected. Give this man the choice, be honest with him before he marries you. Tell him you hate his children. He deserves to know what kind of person he is marrying and letting in to his childrens lives.

I wonder how many of you have experienced living in a blended family ?

Most of us Chaos

I'm from a verrrrry blended family and no one ever resented anyone for spending time with their children. In fact all the adults stepped up to make sure there was as little upheaval as possible and we all felt loved immensely by our steparents.

I'm from a blended family. I do think the situation that OP describes (DSC there every weekend, DP not open to doing anything without them, DSC ruling the roost, and speaking rudely to OP and her DP) would be extremely difficult and I don't think I would choose to continue with it, especially if I didn't even like the children in question. I understand what its like to love someone and feel that that's so perfect in and of itself that it would be unthinkable to give it up, but honestly I couldn't live with all my leisure time being like that.

Oops, I'm not from a blended family as in was a child in one, but I am now part of one as an adult.

Flossymoo I understand the hurt that the kids are feeling iv seen my kids go through the hurt of a breakup and adjustments to parents taking on new relationships but letting them get away with being rude or spoiling them isn't the answer , yes they have had a hard time but letting them rule the roost is going to turn them into what sort of adult ? I believe every adult should have quality time together be it in a blended family or not . Shit these girls aren't little they are teenagers and are old enough to be left alone for a while . Teenage girls can be very jealous and manipulate things very well when they want to , I think she needs to have some boundaries . If daddy keeps molly codling her its not going to teach her how to deal with real life and he is never going to be allowed ( by daughter ) to have a relationship . .............

Spot on Chaos.

I think some of you under estimate the impact that parent break up and new relationship can have on children - even teenagers, who are still children.
They only have one childhood. You have the rest of your lives for new relationships.

So what are we saying WineWineWine? That if for some unfathomable reason, one of say 3 of a man's children just don't want dad to have another person in his life that dad should stay single? That the relationship should end? When the new partner has a good relationship with the other 2 steps and no one knows why one of them makes dad "choose"? That's a lot of very unhappy divorced people living single lives so as not to upset a child. Bit of a "life sentence" that, isn't it?

They only have one childhood. You have the rest of your lives for new relationships.

How old does a child have to be before their parent can reasonably disregard that child's feelings and opinions? Cos that's what you're saying, isn't it? That once the child is grown, then parents can move on? When can a child-of-divorce be held accountable as an adult for their own behaviour and actions?

How old does a child have to be before their parent can reasonably disregard that child's feelings and opinions Er never

When can a child-of-divorce be held accountable as an adult for their own behaviour and actions? Just a guess but I would say around 18 when they are legally recognized as an adult.

I would not be with my DH now if he were the kind of person who disregarded the wishes of his kids (or me, or my child). But what his daughter did was wrong. Many many times we all tried to get to the heart of her discontent but when she made DH choose, and refused contact there was nothing else to be done. She's 21 now. She's an adult. It's really, her choice.

We had a thoroughly lovely weekend with her sister and brother recently. I rest my case. They were all treated the same.

Did someone refer to rescuing an 8 year old from an abusive home as 'molly coddling'?

How old does a child have to be before their parent can reasonably disregard that child's feelings and opinions?

How old will your child be when you start disregarding her feelings Stardust? Or have you already reached that point?

Did someone refer to rescuing an 8 year old from an abusive home as 'molly coddling'?

Different thread, arsenic - this poster hates her DSC, whereas on the thread you're thinking of, she only disliked her.

...and you've made my point more eloquently than I could. winewine says parents should consider the feelings of the impact of divorce on the DCs as the parent has the rest of their lives to form a relationship.
My point is, you never stop considering your DC, so if their feelings are your motivation for not forming a new partnership, then their age won't come into it.

Oh have we got two animosity to DSC threads running simultaneously? How cheerful

But everyone seems to have reached agreement that children's feelings are important and should be considered. So that's positive

Oh have we got two animosity to DSC threads running simultaneously? How cheerful

There's a lot more than two; it's an issue a lot of stepmums struggle with and so seek support about - which can only be a good thing, can't it

Oh yes, declamations of hatred always make me feel positive

Have you considered counselling with something like Relate, either alone or together? I think you need to work through these issues in a structured way. If you had a fortnightly date night and your OH got his daughters to be politer do you feel that things would be fine and you could develop a decent relationship with these SDs? Or would part of you always be hankering after a vision of a perfect OH who had never had these kids? Itg feels from your posts that your unease with the situation runs pretty deep but maybe that is wrong.

To nataliemej - I hope you weren't too phased by most of the unhelpful narrow minded mothers who piped up on this forum. They clearly have no idea on separation from anyone's perspective and if they do they must be bitter single mums. All I can say is you must love your man a he'll of a lot to put up with that. He needs to wake up and smell the coffee because his kids will grow up and move on in their lives soon and if he's not careful he will suddenly realise he's on his own. He should be putting you and his relationship in your shared home first and his kids should be fitting in around that. That's how they will learn to respect their father, you as their step mother and see what a loving parental relationship is. They will not love him any less for it, and he will continue to love and support them. I hope you have managed to talk to him and sort things out. My views come from having been that child from divorced parents. I have the upmost respect for my father, he showed me what a decent man he is and and so glad I saw the love he has for his wife and that he is happy and looks after all of us and our needs.

I was quite shocked to read this thread, and all the negative responses! I also don't think you really 'hate' his DC OP, but you certainly hate the situation, and I don't blame you! It's all well & good saying children must come first, last and number one at all times...but isn't that setting them up for a big shock in adulthood, the world won't be revolving around them, (or anyone else's DC) in the future! I have brought up (IMO) well adjusted adult kids, but they fitted into and around the family dynamic, the same as everyone else they were not put on pedestals...they still love and respect me though as I do them!! I really think you should be thinking hard about marrying your DP at the moment, he wants to be the best father he can which is wonderful, but some of that is driven by guilt...naturally, he left the family set up! If he cannot consider your needs now, he probably never will, and if he can't see that they are rude to you and do something about it, he's not parenting very well.....think carefully about your future!

He should be putting you and his relationship in your shared home first and his kids should be fitting in around that

Why? Why if this is not what he believes in? If his approach to life is that his kids come first, then that's his right and he shouldn't have to change his parenting views for someone else. Where he went wrong is when he decided to start a serious relationship with OP if she showed signs of not accepting the situation from the start, or not end it when he realised she would never accept it.

When I was single, I made a promise to myself and my kids that no man would change me who I was as a mum. I was confident in the way I was raising them and as a parent it is and will always be my right to do so as I wished. There is no right or wrong way to bring up children, different views resulting in different adults with different upbringings. For the most, these adults do just fine in life.

When I met my partner (who didn't have children), we both agree that it was essential that we were on the same wavelength when it came to my children. For him, it was important that I was raising them with similar values to those he agreed it, ie. if my kids were brats (in his eyes), he knew that it would not work and there would be no reason to develop our relationship further. In my eyes, it was essential that he understood that my kids would always come first. He totally respected that and agreed that how it should be. He himself was raised by a single mother who always put him and his sisters first.

What annoy me in threads like these is that both adults get together with their eyes closed, ignoring issues that got in the way of building a totally happy relationship together, and then once the relationship is well established, decide that it isn't fair they should have to face these issues. How can you say that a partner is perfect but for their kids? It would be like saying that a person is perfect but for their nationality, or perfect but for their past education, ie. the things that make them who they are in the first place. When you get together with someone who already has children, you need to appreciate that there is much more to consider committing to the relationship than there would be without.

If you get with someone and you don't like the way he brings up his kids, don't just assume it will get better, run a mile before you commit, it will be easier for everyone in the long run or accept that this is how it always will be (as ultimately, it always is).

Well in retrospect I would agree, don't get involved with a man who has DC, but it's not always that simple is it?! When you first start seeing anyone, it's the rose tinted specs stage, then you see a few flaws but make allowances, after all nobody's perfect...but by now your involved, so the good outweighs the bad! Years down the line, (in my case very many years) you've built a life together, and to say 'you knew what you were getting in to' isn't the the true situation, nobody can foresee how lives/relationships/families will evolve! Having said all that, even loving my DH as I do despite his ridiculous blind spots, I would probably say....Dont!!

Geeze a lot of projecting going on in this thread. it is not okay for OPs partner to allow the kids to be rude to his partner. I am not divorced and have my kids every weekend but even my DH has and I arrange the odd night out on the weekend.