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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Hate my partners kids

298 replies

nataliemej · 08/11/2014 23:30

Hi all firstly thanks for reading my post and I'd like to say before I start please don't criticise me I am asking for help I know its considered evil/selfish for a woman to say she hates children but I cannot help the way I feel, when someone says the don't like cats for example no one bats an eyelid but you are looked at like satan when you say you don't like or want children why is this any different?
Anyway Im here because Im in a 5 year relationship with the man I love its perfect except for one major problem I cannot stand his kids he classes himself as a weekend dad even though he has them 3 full days a week sometimes for a they sleep every fri, sat and sun religiously every week and he will not change his plans EVER
I know this is called being a good dad and this shows just what a good man ive got but I cant help feeling like I never get to spend any quality time with him I see him on an evening in the week when we've both been working all day then we go to bed early because we are tired. His ex and her partner have all weekend every weekend to make plans and do what they want
His kids are 13 and 15 they are both spoilt speak to him and everyone else like dirt the girl is very jealous of me and will not leave her dads side when Im there so I dont really get to talk to him they have always got to be the centre of attention and they are the bosses of the house.
My question is how do I approach him about spending a bit of time with me on the weekend without looking like a bitch as I know this will be a touchy subject as everything is about the kids and what makes them happy
I cant help feeling like part of the furniture and I do not want this to ruin what is otherwise a happy relationship I just want to spend some time alone with him.

OP posts:

Original poster

nataliemej · 09/11/2014 00:01

I can assure you CATS I have never posted on this forum before this is the first time ive spoke out about this issue and is purely coincidence for the similar post. I am not blaming anyone for this not his kids mum or him I just want to feel like I am not way down the bottom of the priority list and i do not want the kids to go away this is not what the post is about I knew id get alot of hate for my honesty but i was just looking for advice rather than deal with or leave, I dont think I should have to leave but I think there needs to be some sort of balance between us both even its 75% kids and 25% us time would be nice,

OP posts:

WineWineWine · 09/11/2014 00:02

This relationship will never work. His kids will always be a huge part of his life and if you hate them, he will end up resenting you for it.
His kids have to come first, and yes, that means all the time he has them, because he only has them a fraction of the time.

What you want is perfectly reasonable in a relationship, but this man, or any man with children, cannot give that.

Original poster

nataliemej · 09/11/2014 00:04

I know lots of parents that have split up and got new partner and are able to still be good parents and make the kids no.1 priority but also treat there partners fairly aswell.

OP posts:

justmuddlingalong · 09/11/2014 00:05

I'll ask again. Have you suggested that you spend more time together to him?

Catsarebastards · 09/11/2014 00:05

Apologies then OP, ive mistaken you for someone else.

Catsarebastards · 09/11/2014 00:07

You do have to stop hating his kids though. As a starting point or else you wont be able to resolve anything. You cant live with someone you hate and he certainly shouldn't have someone who hates his children living with them. The hate has to stop.

Smukogrig · 09/11/2014 00:08

it's different for 'together families' though as there's nobody obviously on the sideline.

It is very hard to have a relationship with kids. I've got children and twice it's been part of the reason the relationship has failed, the cost of babysitters, wanting to stay over and me not being comfortable with that. It's really hard. I don't know how so many people manage it.

Original poster

nataliemej · 09/11/2014 00:08

yes i have JUSTMUDDLINGALONG i have mentioned but its a very touchy subject with him, whenever i organise something to do together he always invites the kids and he doesnt see what the problem is as he sees me every day but as i said in the post this in when we get in from work then its tea and bed then dont see each other all day because we work full time but he doesnt get i dont know how to approach the subject without sounding like im trying to push the kids away which im not

OP posts:

WineWineWine · 09/11/2014 00:09

People can go on to have good relationships after divorce, but not when their partner hates their kids!
Does he know how you feel about them?

He only has them 3 days a week, but you want 25% of that time?

WineWineWine · 09/11/2014 00:10

You have him the other 4 days a week.

Original poster

nataliemej · 09/11/2014 00:11

NO WINEWINEWINE i just meant that as an example

OP posts:

justmuddlingalong · 09/11/2014 00:12

If he doesn't see what the problem is, then he doesn't see that things have to change. Something that is a fundamental problem in your relationship, should be addressed, however touchy a subject.

Catsarebastards · 09/11/2014 00:15

OP do you live together or just stay there a lot?

You could take a step back and move back into a place of your own rather than be so fully involved with his children. Go back to before you were living together where he isn't seeing you as part of the furniture. You may find he realises he has to actually plan time to see you and you get more quality time together us the benefit of having your home to yourself. Or you could find he doesnt make the effort to see you which really is all the information you need to know.

Original poster

nataliemej · 09/11/2014 00:22

I live with him but have i own place still to go back to should i need to but we are getting married next year so mine will be sold then so ill be permanently living there

OP posts:

justmuddlingalong · 09/11/2014 00:25

You are getting married??? Good luck, I'm off to bed.

Catsarebastards · 09/11/2014 00:32

Do you think it is a good time to get married before this situation is solved? You arent happy with the arrangement that has been going on for as long as youve been with him- why have you agreed to marry?

DrElizabethPlimpton · 09/11/2014 00:57

Please don't get married without a resolution to this. It won't end well.

OldLadyKnowsBeelzebub · 09/11/2014 01:44

Thinking back to the early days, natalie, how did you and your dp meet? How did he make time to wine, dine and woo you back then? If he could do it then, why not now, at least every now and then? I think you're right that he could make time for you now.

It's all too easy to fall into an easy routine where you're both working, and as you say, eat and crash. But it wasn't always like that, how can you regain some of the romance? You're being taken for granted, and that's not a good thing.

AimlesslyPurposeful · 09/11/2014 01:58

Could you ask your partner if the DCs could spend three out of every four weekends with you?

At 13 and 15 I'm surprised they want to spend every weekend with dad. Don't they every ask if they can stay with friends?

What's your relationship like with your DPs ex wife? I wonder if she'd be more sympathetic if you explained your situation. Not that you hate the DCs (I don't think you do "hate" them really. They're being forced on you and you're not spending any together time with your DP because he insists on them being there every weekend. It's the situation you hate and that's understandable) but that you have never spent a weekend alone with your DP. Perhaps she'd like the opportunity to spend a weekend with her DCs. As a mum I can't imagine never spending a weekend with my DCs.

AimlesslyPurposeful · 09/11/2014 02:01

Also meant to say that you shouldn't feel uncomfortable bringing up the subject of the DCs. You should be able to talk about them, their behaviour and when they can and can't stay with you.

Are you really sure you want to marry a man that won't discuss something that is a big part of both your lives?

Blessedandgrateful · 09/11/2014 02:53

I have been in the same position entirely - you have taken on a man with children.

Those children need him.

You need to accept that for possibly years you will be in this situation - the needs of the children come before you.

Blessedandgrateful · 09/11/2014 02:56

And also put yourself in their shoes.

They have to share their father with you- in all honesty those children will not be wanting you there when they visit dad - all they want is their father.

It is very difficult for them .

thebluehen · 09/11/2014 06:16

I'm sorry. I disagree. He's not a good dad if he's allowing them to be rude to op, if he isn't trying to ensure that everyone gets along and that he isn't teaching them that life goes on around them and they're not the only priority in his life. He's failing them and his partner.

You really need to talk to him and explain how you feel, be honest but use kind language. Telling him you hate the kids, won't bode well for a nice discussion. Much better to tell him you find their behaviour difficult and try to encourage him to get his kids to be independent.

Nobody should come "first" in a relationship, his children shouldn't be sidelined for you, but likewise you shouldn't be sidelined for his kids. There are ways to have quality time with both of you. You deserve some weekend time too.

lunar1 · 09/11/2014 07:43

I'd be rude to someone who hated me for living in my home too. If you and you partner can't be bothered to do anything in the week apart from watching soaps maybe you could change this before trying to reduce how much time his children spend with their dad.

thebluehen · 09/11/2014 07:53

Lunar, maybe the kids rudeness made the op hate them.

Maybe the hate caused the rudeness.

We don't really know do we?

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