Hate my partners kids

[nataliemej]

Hi all firstly thanks for reading my post and I'd like to say before I start please don't criticise me I am asking for help I know its considered evil/selfish for a woman to say she hates children but I cannot help the way I feel, when someone says the don't like cats for example no one bats an eyelid but you are looked at like satan when you say you don't like or want children why is this any different?
Anyway Im here because Im in a 5 year relationship with the man I love its perfect except for one major problem I cannot stand his kids he classes himself as a weekend dad even though he has them 3 full days a week sometimes for a they sleep every fri, sat and sun religiously every week and he will not change his plans EVER
I know this is called being a good dad and this shows just what a good man ive got but I cant help feeling like I never get to spend any quality time with him I see him on an evening in the week when we've both been working all day then we go to bed early because we are tired. His ex and her partner have all weekend every weekend to make plans and do what they want
His kids are 13 and 15 they are both spoilt speak to him and everyone else like dirt the girl is very jealous of me and will not leave her dads side when Im there so I dont really get to talk to him they have always got to be the centre of attention and they are the bosses of the house.
My question is how do I approach him about spending a bit of time with me on the weekend without looking like a bitch as I know this will be a touchy subject as everything is about the kids and what makes them happy
I cant help feeling like part of the furniture and I do not want this to ruin what is otherwise a happy relationship I just want to spend some time alone with him.

I don't understand why you would contemplate MARRIAGE in this situation.

Op - can you tell us what your reaction is to the question asked lower down the thread - if your partner's ex fell under a bus tomorrow then the kids would be coming to live with you fulltime. Have you considered that scenario when you consider the marriage?

The Op is studiously avoiding answering that question northern.

Is he the NRP though? 3/7 that includes every weekend sounds more like a 50/50 split. I mean, no-one would think to ask me if i did my DC's washing/cooking etc on the weekends they're with me. It's just odd that you brought it up in the absence of OP even mentioning it.

What does nrp stand for?

natalie - please just tell us why you are planning to marry this man when the situation is clearly so unhappy for you?

NRP = non resident parent

I love him he loves me, and FYI I am not used as a housewife/skivvy/mug by him I did not mean this post to sound as bad as it does I was just angry and fed up when I've sat n talked to do calmly and explained my feelings we have worked something out he is a really good dad and dotes on the kids but even he has come round and agreed to spend some time together on out own, I know kids are old enough to stay on there on for a couple of hours whilst we are out but daughter wouldn't let us go out on our own if she was there she would cry and throw a paddy til we took her with us and dad would feel bad and give in.
To the person who asked what my relationship was like with my parents I am very very close with my parents and spend a lot of time with the but I do seem to recall them going out and leaving me with a babysitter the occasional Friday night which there is nothing wrong with.
I feel happier now with so and feel I am being treated fairly I don't like to think about if kids came to live with us full time I think I'd have to move out

You really need to rethink your relationship. You also BEFORE you get married need to tell this man that if is children do end up living with you full time you will move out. He deserves to know the truth before he enters in to a marriage with you.

In regards to your parents leaving you with a babysitter that is great but remember they had seen you everyday that week your DP's children do not have that luxury.

I don't like to think about if kids came to live with us full time I think I'd have to move out

DO NOT MARRY HIM! You are not compatible. You have fundamental differences that mean your relationship should never progress beyond the dating stage. You should move back to your own place and either date him or end it with him and let him find someone who actually wants to be part of his family.

OK - don't marry him. you can't possibly marry someone with responsibilities that are so objectionable to you. Find somebody your own age without baggage and leave this man and his kids alone.

There is no way on this earth that I would commit to spending the rest of my weekends at home for the next seven years, which it looks roughly as what you will be doing.

Also I disagree with pp who say that the dc come first. In my house everyone's happiness is of equal importance otherwise it screws the status quo.

Seems like your determined to marry him though, so on that note you will reap what you sow!

Ok, so one conversation with him has solved the problem. Excellent.

Does he know you hate his kids?

If you were my DD I would advise you to end the relationship and find someone else. I'm sure he's great but you will always have a jealous DSD to put up with.
There is something wrong if he thinks it's ok that his DD is rude and determined to come between you. After 5 years things might never change. Not worth the risk imo. When she is older she might decide to move in with her DF and your opinion on that will probably come second.

I was being sarcastic when i mentioned bingo cards and being the OW
Everything else has been thrown the OP's way

Op, i really think you're going to have to leave this man.
But if you're determined to hang in there, don't, for the love of god, get married.
You've had some good and supportive advice, read through, sort the wheat from the chaff, then make your decision.

None of the paths you could choose here will be easy but i personally would not throw a ball and chain into the mix x

She shouldn't just consider the (unlikely) sceanrio of their mother falling under a bus though, she should consider the highly likely scenario that as stroppy, hormonal teenagers they may at some point decide they hate their mother and her stupid rules, and want to live at their dad's. And the mother may be quite glad to see the back of them for a year or two and may say 'Off you fuck to where the grass is greener, then.'

And by the sounds of things Daddy would welcome that with open arms. What then?

There's no way she's leaving him and there's no way she's cancelling this wedding.

natalie can you please tell me how old you are now and tell me HONESTLY whether you think you will have children with this man eventually.

Yes Hello has a good point, are you hoping to have children yourself with this man ............ can you imagine what life will be like then?

I really do despair if you have lived like this for five years, do you really just not have the guts to get out and leave him? Or maybe just date if you 'love' him so much, live separately, see each other a couple of nights a week and just do your own thing with your own friends/family/hobbies at weekends?

Natalie you just don't get this at all!!!
His DD throws a paddy when you try to go out alone - because she feels so vulnerable, scared of being replaced, undervalued etc.
You didn't mind your parents going out and leaving you with a babysitter, because you felt safe, secure and loved by your parents.

The teenage falling out with mum and choosing to live with mum is far more common than you think. If the thought of that sends you running to the hills, then you really are insane to consider marrying him. They want rid of you because you hate them and you are such a threat to them, because you take their dad away from them. This is so fundamentally wrong, it will never work. Even if he concedes to giving you a few hours of himself on his own on a Friday night, he will feel split in two, trying to be a husband and father. Most people manage this because they can do both at the same time. He can't, he has to do them separately.

You have the right to be happy. He has the right to be happy, but life is not that simple. There are real, unavoidable issues here that you think that you can ignore and they will just go away. They will be his children FOR EVER. They will be a huge part of his life FOR EVER. Your marriage won't be.

OP - I'm going to throw another penny in the pot (is that a saying?!) - have you ever tried to say spend time, one on one with your DSD? Got to know her as a person, taken her out shopping etc... Because then (tell me if I'm being totally naive here) I'd imagine it would make her feel that she has a relationship with you, something tangible... and also with the other DC. But the DSD seems to be the one who needs understanding. Also don't forget if she's 13 or 15 she will be going through puberty, having hormonal changes and the last thing she wants is not to feel loved etc... by her DF but also by YOU!

My DSM (step-mum) I got to know when I was 13, with my DB. She had 3 DC (2 when I met her), one yet to be born and the eldest was 7 I think.

From the get-go I met her and developed a relationship, I bought the DC presents, visited etc, stayed overnight. But for her part she treated me as similar to her DC as she could - she invited us to live there, come on holiday, got me to confide in her (as much as I could/would etc). She was always supportive, kind and loving. When they got divorced when I was 21 a few years later things eventually went downhill (I think DSM had an affair) but when she was with my DF she made a huge effort, so did her family and we were both made to feel welcome.

I really do think like some others have said you seriously have to rethink your relationship with your SO, you cannot live with him/DC when they stay not standing the DC. OK you can maybe request the DC's behaviour is better sometimes about how they speak to you (respectfully etc) but I can see from the DC POV is all they get is their future DSM hates them and wants them our of the way. I hope you get this sorted though, good luck.

natalie, here's the thing I have learned over my many, many years of life and love. Listen carefully. You love him, he loves you. But sometimes love is just not enough. In your situation, it isn't just you and him. It's you and him AND HIS CHILDREN. Just the two of you loving each other won't be enough to make a successful marriage, because there are two more people in the marriage. His children. And they will always be there, whether they're teens or adults. They will always want or need his attention at various times when you do, too. And they have an undeniable claim that you do not, that will make him want to be there for them, even if you think it's 'too much' or 'your time'. They are a part of him in a way that you will never be and it appears that you are unable to accept that. Until you can, any marriage is doomed to failure. Either because you are unhappy with the amount of time he spends with his children or because he will come to resent you (and he will!) because he cannot spend that time with them.

I know you're not going to listen to any one who tells you to call off the marriage or learn to respect and honour his relationship with his children. But at least don't say that you weren't warned.

Personally, I'd leave. Relationships are hard enough without all this. I couldn't take a man seriously (years ago) as his wife had sadly died and his children were so small (he had 4). With the best will in the world I was too immature and frankly self-absorbed to have been any use to them as a mother figure. I recognised this though he was a lovely man.

Years later with a child of my own and a lot more "experience" I married a man with teenage kids. I liked them. Wanted us all to get on. Tried really really hard. Ten years on, one of them has never accepted me and has made things so stressful. Haven't seen her for years. Get along fine with the other 2. Would I do it again....no.

I would say the DD wants her father to herself and does not like having the OP around.
As a result the OP dislikes her (which after 5 years is understandable).

The reason the DD is like this is possibly because her DF lets her and she is a teenager and probably angry at her life being turned upside down with her DP's separation.

The problem is that the DF won't deal with this. He's had 5 years but doesn't rate the OP's feelings highly enough to prioritise her feelings. So she should give him up. If the DD is 15 the DF might be 40 and the OP is mid twenties (I think she said 14 years younger).

The DF needs to sort this out but isn't going to so OP should leave. The DD then 'wins' but what it does to her inner self, being childish and difficult and unpleasant to your DF's GF for years and years I don't like to think.

Moniker What the hell are you on about?

The OP has 2 SDC not one yet you are only focusing on the DD.

You are a strange one and frankly your advice is shit.