please please help really scared

[scarlettandrhett]

DH and I have our own DS and DH has a DD my DSD.

Getting contact was horrendous as ex stopped all contact when she found out about me. I was not the OW. I met DH long after they split up, they were not married.
During the court hearing and out of the blue, she phones me and wants a agreement over contact that we can put before the judge. The suggestion she gave was what DH had wanted. The judge stamped the order.
My gut was telling me that as long as DH played by her rules, all would be ok but if he stepped out of line, all hell would break loose.

Contact was great for the next 3 years. We got DSD more than the court order stated. I became ex "new best friend" and DH and I played her game.

Last month, DH made a geniune mistake over drop off and she went nuts, calling DH every name under the son. DH had had enough and told her so. Yes, contact was stopped, all attempts at communication were stopped.

About 3 hours ago, she came to our door and said she wanted to sort it out. Like a fool, I let her in.
I cannot believe what happened next and even as I write this I feel that I will wake up from a dream.

She proceded to tell us if we take her back to court, she will say DH was abusing DSD. She said that even though it is not true the fallout will affect our own DS. She said she will go to SS with these claims and will say she has real fears for my DS as well. She will go to the police and ensure our DS is removed from our home until an investigation is completed. She said she will tell SS that was why she stopped contact. She is a teacher and knows what do. I thought DH was going to go for her. She was calm, not shouting, screaming, just very calm and smiled through it all.

I cannot believe this is happening, I cannot even find the words to describe it. After she said this, it is all a haze, she walked out our home them. What do we do? What happens. I am really scared now.

I have changed my name

As everyone else has said, I'd go and ring 101 and log it with them and SS immediately. The woman is seriously unhinged if she's willing to throw something like that about. No wonder it can take years for real victims of abuse to come forward when you have people like her. I'd also be telling the police and SS that you're worried about you're DSD when her mum obviously isn't in the right frame of mind to be willing to lie about something so serious.

SS do not take children away without good reason and evidence OP.

This twisted women is banking on you being too afraid to do anything but agree to her terms. You can only protect your family if you get the right people involved at the right time.

Logging this with the police and SS is your only option otherwise you are leaving the doors wide open for her to carry out her threats.

as a mum i do understand why you are scared but I beg you to please report her threats. you have no idea whether she will tell he world these lies regardless of what you do or don't do next. the ONLY way to protect your son is to log her threats woth the appropriate authorities and fast

Control the situation, make the calls. She thinks she holds all the cards. She doesnt.

I deal with safeguarding allegations as part of my job. Ring the police and social services now. If you don't and she does, it looks like you are hiding something. If you do ring , you are being upfront and open and that is a much better position to be in.

They do not have a remove first policy.

Even if they did, as soon as she rings- if she does- you would be in the same position, but they don't.

As a teacher she is risking her profession by making malcious allegations. There would be a question about her being an appropriate person to be in charge of children, never mind her having a potential criminal record.

If you don't do this now you'll constantly live in fear that she may one day do this. Do not give her control over your own life. The woman is in obvious need of some professional help.

Agree you need to take the initiative now. Even if you gave in now , she could hold this as a threat over you ad infinitum, every time she wants her own way or got angry.

For the safety of your family, make the calls now. If you don't and she does, then everything will be out of your control. If you do it now then you will be in control of the situation and will be able to give the true story.

They don't ask terrible questions, they're actually really sensitive about it and won't ask too much if they can see there's genuinely nothing there.

Why are you letting her win? If you have nothing to hide it is easier to pull the rug from under her and make sure your DSD is also safe.

If you don't report her to the police you are playing right into her hands!

They will listen to you and it will be much better to have this logged than her to actually report you and have to go through all of that, without having this in your corner.

I know you are scared, you need to take action and deal with this though, not hide away.

What 'explicit' questions are you worried about OP?

And do not think that SS are in the game of taking children away from their parents without good need .

I'm a (head) teacher and I can assure you that SS nor the police take children away from their parents after one allegation. If she does report abuse to SS, they will do an initial assessment which involves contacting you and interviewing you and your dh and possibly his school & your stepson's school to ask if they have any concerns. They are very very careful if/when they do interview children and they are professionals who are very aware of false allegations and how children can be manipulated into saying things by adults. They will not take your children away while they investigate alleged abuse of your stepson - even if it were true, they wouldn't as there is no evidence/allegation of abuse of your children. They need a court order to do this anyway unless they find substantial evidence of abuse.
Write down everything she said and go to a solicitor. They can write to her - call her bluff - and if needed they can present your dated written 'evidence' to SS should she follow through. As this would be dated and signed before she makes the allegation, it would seriously undermine her position and in fact more likely turn SS focus on to her for emotional abuse. Anyway, if she is a teacher she knows full well that SS aren't going to take her word for it! I know there are occasional horror stories in the press about SS diving in and doing the wrong thing but sadly it is more usually the other way round, with them leaving children to be abused, rather than removing children.
Good luck x

"The mum in me is terrified that my DS will be questioned and asked things no 10 year old should have to hear."

The interviews carried out with children are a great deal more sensitive than you may imagine. They will never ask questions that put thoughts into their heads that are not there already. In law, these are known as "leading questions" and any inferences made from them are absolutely useless. I can guarantee that they will not do this.

"My son will need to answer some pretty explicit questions"

NO! He won't! You are catastrophising and have absolutely nothing to fear by registering what this vile woman has threatened you with. You DO NOT react to blackmail by being cowed and giving in. God only knows what her next threats will be.

Get onto the bloody phone to the police NOW!

Oh and while we are at it, your solicitor can point out that if she is found to have made malicious accusation to SS then she will be fired for gross misconduct and no union in the world would support or help her.

NO

You HAVE to report this.

Not reporting it is not going to protect you or your son. It will simply leave a sword hanging over your heads, the constant fear that you step out of line at all. Because what will happen is that she won't stop contact completely, she'll allow it to continue in whichever form SHE wants, from now on, and you will end up all run ragged and utterly stressed to make sure that she gets her way on all counts. THAT will certainly affect your DS, to say nothing of the change in the relationships between your DSD and all members of your family that will now inevitably happen. I can imagine your DH policing everything he says to her, every hug, every kiss, to try and prep the situation just in case dsd is ever questioned so that there's nothing she could 'misintepret'.

This will destroy your family if you DON'T go to the police. It will destroy your DH's relationship with his daughter and your son's with his half sister.

You also need to calm down and think logically about what would actually happen, and what the ex would say. THINK about it. You report this conversation to the police. The police alert SS and/or go and talk to the Ex. What is she going to say?

'Oh yes it's true actually, my exH has been sexually abusing my daughter. Why haven't I reported it, then, especially as I'm a teacher? Um - err - well I was going to in the morning, honest, I just thought I'd go round and threaten...um I mean talk it out with them first...um no, I mean...'

Not Going To Happen.

She will deny she ever said it. There would be NO other reply she could make that would not call HER conduct seriously into question - she should KNOW the process on CP and would have no reasonable answer to the police/SS asking why on earth she had not followed proper channels.

So - she would deny it. You would end up, perhaps, going back to court? -I don't know. But, two things would be pretty certain. 1. She wouldn't try that again. 2. There's no way that the outcome of it would be a genuine suspicion of sexual abuse without her looking very, very suss.

And the next step on from that? Perhaps that you take it back to court with a view to getting residency, on the grounds that she is absolutely, viciously, damagingly, should-not-have-care-of-a-child level unhinged.

One thing you cannot do, is do nothing.

DH has phoned the police. Waiting on someone coming round. My parents and DH parents are on their way. I am shaking, still waiting to wake up

that must have been really, really awful :( Thank god you both restrained yourselves though!

You have to gather your thoughts, stop reacting and start acting.

You have to call the police, they and SS will help you - they really really aren't going to take your DS away, it's not how it works, really it isn't.

As others have said, they will NOT put things in the kids minds, they wont.

Both children are old enough that they will not need to be taken away from you to be safeguarded

Have faith in our system
x

As another teacher, I would reassure you that just because she has professional status, doesn't mean that the authorities will automatically believe her or act on her say so. There are strict procedures to go through in schools for dealing with suspected abuse and disclosures so as worrying as this is, it's not as simple as she is making it sound. Social Services don't just remove children on the say so of a 'professional'.

I would also say as someone who's ex is a mental health professional, his claims that I was mentally unstable and unfit to look after children were ignored by the courts and CAFCASS.

You really have to contact the police.

She is banking on you being too scared to do so.

You have no alternative I don't think.

They won't ask your son anything at all unless their investigation shows any shred of evidence that her allegations are true. They will begin by investigating her allegations about her daughter being abused, and when that proves to be lies, they will likely not even look into anything she has said about your son. If they do think investigation is needed, they will start by asking other adults that know him if his behaviour is typical of kids that are being abused and only follow up if that bears fruit. Which it wont.

Your son is several steps removed from any harm she threatens.

Please, be brave and rescue your DSD from this woman.

Thank God your husband has called the police! Very well done. I know it didn't feel like the right thing to do but it is and you've both been very brave.