please please help really scared

[scarlettandrhett]

DH and I have our own DS and DH has a DD my DSD.

Getting contact was horrendous as ex stopped all contact when she found out about me. I was not the OW. I met DH long after they split up, they were not married.
During the court hearing and out of the blue, she phones me and wants a agreement over contact that we can put before the judge. The suggestion she gave was what DH had wanted. The judge stamped the order.
My gut was telling me that as long as DH played by her rules, all would be ok but if he stepped out of line, all hell would break loose.

Contact was great for the next 3 years. We got DSD more than the court order stated. I became ex "new best friend" and DH and I played her game.

Last month, DH made a geniune mistake over drop off and she went nuts, calling DH every name under the son. DH had had enough and told her so. Yes, contact was stopped, all attempts at communication were stopped.

About 3 hours ago, she came to our door and said she wanted to sort it out. Like a fool, I let her in.
I cannot believe what happened next and even as I write this I feel that I will wake up from a dream.

She proceded to tell us if we take her back to court, she will say DH was abusing DSD. She said that even though it is not true the fallout will affect our own DS. She said she will go to SS with these claims and will say she has real fears for my DS as well. She will go to the police and ensure our DS is removed from our home until an investigation is completed. She said she will tell SS that was why she stopped contact. She is a teacher and knows what do. I thought DH was going to go for her. She was calm, not shouting, screaming, just very calm and smiled through it all.

I cannot believe this is happening, I cannot even find the words to describe it. After she said this, it is all a haze, she walked out our home them. What do we do? What happens. I am really scared now.

I have changed my name

Thinking of Scarlett, hope things are staying calm you did the right thing and it saddens me greatly when people generally do not want to see just how emotionally abusive a mum can be and then they wonder why so many dc have abusive childhoods...

*It has taken DH and myself a long time to stop seeking a solution. It was frustrating attending courses, reading books, listening to professionals speak, only to be left wondering "what next? we've tried all that!"

We now realise that there is no resolution. All a parent can do in this situation is avoid making choices that make things worse for the DC*

De-lurking because that's struck a chord. My DH has done all the above and to be honest none of those have helped with understanding the DSC mum and her reasoning for the way she is and how it ultimately affects them.

He's constantly in limbo and waiting for the next obstacle. All this "this course is found to be so helpful in a huge percentage of separated parents" phrases turned out to be a myth.

Scarlett: It looks like you could be in for quite a high hilled road ahead. I wish you all the best of luck!

What a horrible time. It shows what a good person you are to keep trying to do 'the right thing' with regards to DSDs mum etc.

Hadn't posted here Scarlett but have been following with horror, but also amazement at your strength. As another poster I worry this to be my future, and I think people underestimate how much stepmums in this position fear the ex going too far like this, past the point of no return. We have problems with trying to explain 'but why would mum have said this', and so I thank you guys for your advice here as I think it's helpful for all, much as I hope never for things to go this far. As you I fear the damage were my SD to come to hate her mum or be so hurt by what she's done, it's a slow car crash watching it start to happen. Just wanted to say you are great and I'm thinking of you and your family, and I hope you are all doing ok xx

How are you today OP?

Excellent post by Caterpillarmum.My DSD has had a very similar situation, at at age15 she is able to discuss it and has been for counselling.I don't understand her mums behaviour (or any other parent who acts like this) but suspect its a form of deep insecurity "DSD may prefer her dad to me so I need to damage their relationship".

When dh was awarded contact via a court order (and only after many attempts of discussion and mediation) the ex told DSD that dh had physically bullied her in court so that she had to agree.DSD was consfused, she couldnt believe that her gentle dad would be capable of this but equally why would her mum lie and as her mum seemed genuinely upset so it must be true! This is just one example of so many incidents and the impact on DSD has been enormous and she will require counselling for many years.

Good luck op, you are dealing with a difficult situation very well.Parental alienation is child abuse and courts are recognising it and starting to act quickly.

OP: i am so sorry that the situation reached this stage, but this is about the age these things usually come to a head. The manipulator panics when they realise that the formerly trusting child is gaining enough life experience and information to doubt, to ask questions and see the untruths and the half-truths. DSD was already understanding that her fathers behaviour and her mothers description of his feelings didnt match. She was already comparing her situation to that of friends with multiple households, characters in YA novels and TV. She was already asking her mother for clarification, and might well have asked her dad next visit. Ex's original threat was an attempt to push DH/OP further from the crumbling walls around the DD's view of DH/OP that she has built over the years in an attempt to maintain them.

All those courses that others talk about, do they warn about this? In so many cases, the teen years are where the manipulators lies fail, or become so entrenched they define the rest of the childs life.

Having been in DH's position, I think you have handled it incredibly well. DSD is a very strong young lady. I hope this help's her DM to get assistance she probably should have had 12 years ago.