please please help really scared

[scarlettandrhett]

DH and I have our own DS and DH has a DD my DSD.

Getting contact was horrendous as ex stopped all contact when she found out about me. I was not the OW. I met DH long after they split up, they were not married.
During the court hearing and out of the blue, she phones me and wants a agreement over contact that we can put before the judge. The suggestion she gave was what DH had wanted. The judge stamped the order.
My gut was telling me that as long as DH played by her rules, all would be ok but if he stepped out of line, all hell would break loose.

Contact was great for the next 3 years. We got DSD more than the court order stated. I became ex "new best friend" and DH and I played her game.

Last month, DH made a geniune mistake over drop off and she went nuts, calling DH every name under the son. DH had had enough and told her so. Yes, contact was stopped, all attempts at communication were stopped.

About 3 hours ago, she came to our door and said she wanted to sort it out. Like a fool, I let her in.
I cannot believe what happened next and even as I write this I feel that I will wake up from a dream.

She proceded to tell us if we take her back to court, she will say DH was abusing DSD. She said that even though it is not true the fallout will affect our own DS. She said she will go to SS with these claims and will say she has real fears for my DS as well. She will go to the police and ensure our DS is removed from our home until an investigation is completed. She said she will tell SS that was why she stopped contact. She is a teacher and knows what do. I thought DH was going to go for her. She was calm, not shouting, screaming, just very calm and smiled through it all.

I cannot believe this is happening, I cannot even find the words to describe it. After she said this, it is all a haze, she walked out our home them. What do we do? What happens. I am really scared now.

I have changed my name

Well done op. Stay strong!

Well done for contacting the police. As PPs have said, SS would ask your child to eg "tell us about 'x'...what do you like/dislike about them etc" they give the child space to speak, they would never ask anything specific like "did 'x' do 'y' to you?"

You have done the right thing to protect your family.

Wow what a nutter
Hopefully this is nipped in the bud now.
Feel very sad for your dsd what a fine example shes setting her

Jesus Christ scarlett. Has the woman got a screw loose? Who the hell thinks this is an appropriate course of action? As a teacher she should absolutely know better. I'm so glad your DH called the police. I hope that puts an end to it and she causes you no further trouble. What a bitch.

How far away does she live? They've been quite a while. I bet you are fed up with

I hope you managed to get some sleep

Bloody hell! What a reaction to your dh being 30 minutes late!

Stay strong op

I read this with horror and anger. I'm glad you went to the police. What on earth could make this woman behave appropriately. She obviously has no conscience.

The 12 yr old will soon be able to make her own decisions re contact

Hoping the police came back with some reassurance, OP.
I am appalled that a TEACHER would do this, a teacher whose profession it is to care for and nurture children.
I hope the police spell out to her that maliciously accusing someone will have consequences for her and her job.

Hi OP I am so sorry you are going through this.

This happened to us a few years ago now.

DH's ex made allegations against DH that he was abusing DSD.
At the second court hearing the judge ordered that social services come and investigate the second child in the household, our DD who was 2 at the time. DSD was 7.

I was absolutely terrified especially as DD was so young, a pretty 2yo girl I knew would be very adoptable.

SS who came to see DD, DH and I were very professional. The gave us a glowing report.

After 3 months of SS, police and family court investigations DSD was allowed to visit again.
After a further 3 months of investigations and hearings the original contact order was reinstated.

Nothing to see hear, move along.

No sanction was taken against the ex, she just had "concerns"

DH and I were off work with stress for 6 months each.

DSD was the most badly damaged, poor kid. I suspect she will need some sort of counselling when shes older.

I wish I could tell you it was more positive but that would be a lie, it was the worst 6 months of my life.

One important tip from now on.
NEVER EVER talk to the ex in the future without recording it.

Keep strong, you will get through this

Sorry forgot to say with your DS and DSD being so much older, should make it a little easier.

SS find placing older children much more difficult and older children would be able to communicate clearly.

The police came back late last night.
They went round to see her and as guessed she point blank denied it.
She said she had been invited to come round to decide what way to go forward. She told the police that she had not stopped contact at first, that DSD was sick for two weeks and she told us that. She said we did not believe her and started harrassing her for contact. She turned on the tears etc. She said when she came round tonight it was because we had told her we wanted to discuss the contact issue. She then said DH started shouting at her and threatened her. She said she left very upset at our attitude.
The police told her that we were extremely distraught at what she has said to us and again she denied it. They asked to see DSD but surprise surprise she was not in but staying at a friends. Police said thought she was ill. EX said she is better now. Police asked why she not our our house then. Ex sort of hummed about that. Police told her that contact was a civil matter but to make false allegations was a criminal office and a log would be made of the incident.
Police told us that with no proof they could not go forward but have left her in no doubt what would happen if she made false allegations.

Police gave us a log of the incident and have advised us to speak to our solicitor. They also told us to contact them immediatley if she contacts us later about this and to keep a log.
I did not know this but I can actually do something about this on my own without DH and without the family court. I have no say whatsoever in family court as I am only the stepmother but as she directly threatened MY DS, I can make a formal complaint and this would be a totally seperate issue.
DH wants to see a solicitor on Monday. I am not sure about making a formal complaint as it would add fuel to the fire so DH has suggested asking the solicitor to write to her and advise her that if she make any further malicious allegations , I will make a formal complaint on my own as she had threatened me and DS directly, and what the implecations of a complaint against her could have on her in the future for any police safety checks.
Also to get the solicitor to remind her that a court order is in place and despite the way contact had been going previously, she is now in breech and contact needs to resume immediatley.
We will see what happens.
Thanks you all for your support and kind words. When i read what i posted originally, it is so sureal

Wow well done scarlett

I bet the bitch didnt count on the police showing up!

Make that formal complaint, after what she has done I would not let it drop.

What an awful night :(

But see, the police are here for us and on the whole they aren't stupid, or corrupt or wanting to split families up :)

I think it's a good idea to see a solicitor - as it doesn't seem like you already have one, I'd ring around a few and see a couple for half hour free sessions to see who you like - you might well have an ongoing relationship with them.

Don't go in with your mind made up - listen to what they say and if they say you should proceed now, then do it.

Sometimes something we think will add fuel to the fire is the very thing that actually puts it out.

You have no idea where all of this is coming from, because it's certainly not coming from being 30 mins late.

And another thing to think about/discuss is if your DSD is living in the best place. Her mother sounds unhinged... or very scared. If she has no reason to be very scared then unhinged it is. Not a good place for your DSD to be living. I would also make sure than DSD has a phone so she can ring you or her Dad if she needs to.

You can't carry on the way you all have been - pussyfooting around her and doing everything on her say so just in case you upset the apple cart... it's not right, it's not normal.

I'm glad that it's all ended calmly for now - but you need to plan the way forward.

That's is good news OP.

I think seeing a solicitor and asking them to send a letter just reminding her of a few facts would be the best and safest course of action.

I would imagine she will do everything she can to make like difficult but she will not dare go as far as she did the other night.

I would also be inclined to inform the school of recent events as you do not know what the ex will say/do to DSD so if they are informed of the contact with the police they can contact her father should anything come up.

You have done so well OP - you handled this fantastically. I really hope it all gets sorted for you, you have done the right thing to protect both children.

Do not worry if it does end up with a ss investigation. My nutso exh made a malicious report about me - that I had supposedly hit my then toddler son. He was furious that I had left him and I knew he would try something crazy. I was not shocked when I got the call to say they had had the report but as they actually told me the allegation when they were there my jaw nearly hit the floor. Never been so disgusted in my life.

Anyway - she was lovely. She said that they can usually tell at the point of allegation when it is malicious and they got that feeling straight away with him. She spoke to my older Dc but there were no explicit questions whatsoever, they had no idea they were even being 'questioned'. She was brilliant and if you didn't know why she was there you'd have thought nothing of her conversation with them. They weren't in the least bit traumatised.

We had a glowing report about what a fantastic job I was doing and that the report was malicious and unfounded. After seeing me they went round to him and have him a bollocking and laid it down about wasting their time and traumatising me. He never did it again and it's had no long term impact on anything. Please do not worry - ss are not the baby snatchers they are made out to be, but I do totally sympathise about how scary it is

Well, I'm not surprised she denied it all. But I'm pleased by the police's response.

Take a view from the solicitor as to the appropriate course of action. I agree that making your own formal complaint (esp as again it could not actually be progressed for lack of evidence) is probably too confrontational.

I'm slightly disturbed that your DSD could not be produced when the police asked, does your DH have phone contact with her? I would want to know she was okay.

The question now is what do you do in the next encounter - is there anyone else who could supervise handovers?

Sounds like the police have supported you really well on this.

But it's a really strange way to behave for someone who was previously going along fine with contact for 3 years (and appears to be holding down a professional job presumably without acting like a complete nutcase)

Being 30 minutes late can't possibly have caused such a radical reaction. Do you have any idea what might have done? Any change in ex's domestic circumstances? Why would she suddenly become so terrified or furious at the prospect of DSD resuming contact? Maybe your DSD would be able to shed some light on it if you don't know what could have caused it.

Agree I'd try to make contact to make sure she's OK. Does she want to see you and her dad?

DSD has her own phone and DH has been texting her the past month and she is fine. She mentioned not coming over but has said she was "busy". DH tect her this morning but no reply as yet.
Caught between a rock and a hard place now. Contact was always more than the court order of EOW. We had her most weekends adn dinner through the week. Court order said 2 weeks of summer holidays, alternative xmas etc but it never worked out like that. We would get DSD a week here and there over the holidays, never on Xmas day or New Year but got xmas eve and boxing day and new years eve. Alternative bdays but again never got her but as we actually got more than the court order, DH left it. Did not want to rock the boat. She has been really awful with snide remarks and made allegations of DA during court hearing. During the last 3-4 years, contact has been "good" as long as we pander to her. She gets more child support than CSA would award and we always contribute towards additional expenses. EX knows that we will always help

When DH was 30 mins late and she erupted, it was then DH finally lost his temper with her and told her enough. He and I were not here to take her abuse and that we had bent over backwards to help her. She stormed off and telling DH it was his responsibility to ensure he done all he could to help her as SHE was raising his daughter single handed. What she did last night was to put DH and I in our place. Too show that we either need to put up with how she decides contact is to proceed and how DSD is raised or we loose DSD.

My parents said she was flexing her muscles and showing who was in charge.

So do we insist that contact goes back to what the court order states and ensure its enforced. If we do that DH has less time with DSD as what he originally had and DSD looses out

It wasn't really going along fine, purpleroses - she previously denied contact when the OP came on the scene. It went to court and at the eleventh hour she decided to act reasonable and agree the terms the OP's DH had proposed (I suspect because her solicitor had pointed out the court was going to agree to those terms anyway, and this way it can look like those are 'her' terms).

Since then everything has been superficially as nice as pie, because OP took care to butter the ex-wife up. I think this is literally the first time OP's DH has failed to comply with the exact terms of the contact order, although how the hell he managed never to be late in three years I don't know!

So do we insist that contact goes back to what the court order states and ensure its enforced. If we do that DH has less time with DSD as what he originally had and DSD looses out

I recommend sticking to the contact order as it is were the Gospel. Also, communication from ex should now be via recorded means (i.e. email and text). She's clearly a malicious bitch.

Being 30 minutes late can't possibly have caused such a radical reaction.

In my experience, it is often the little things that create the biggest reaction.

My DHs ex (also a professional with Child Protection training) took legal steps to remove DHs PR when he did nothing more contentious than took my DSS to an open evening at a local secondary school - with her permission.
It was only when DSS said he liked it that she reacted in such an extreme way.

It's possible that the OPs DSD didn't go along with her Mums version of the lateness "no, mum, I wasn't scared" or "it's no big deal, dad just made a mistake".

The fact that the OP and her DP have gone along with the ex up until now is likely to make the slightest transgression a much bigger issue in her mind. She's not been 'challenged' for three years, she's had everything her own way - so the lateness was a HUGE deal to her.

scarlett
I am so pleased that you were brave enough to involve the police straightaway, and that it's panned out as it has. You've shown that she doesn't have the upper hand.
One comment that I would make is that I would ensure all communication is by email, to avoid any further 'misunderstandings', ie. to cover you.
I think a letter from a solicitor would be a good step forward as it could refer to the fact that the police have documented the incident, and that you now wish all contact to be via email. It's also reinforcing the fact that you won't be bullied.
Good luck!