please please help really scared

[scarlettandrhett]

DH and I have our own DS and DH has a DD my DSD.

Getting contact was horrendous as ex stopped all contact when she found out about me. I was not the OW. I met DH long after they split up, they were not married.
During the court hearing and out of the blue, she phones me and wants a agreement over contact that we can put before the judge. The suggestion she gave was what DH had wanted. The judge stamped the order.
My gut was telling me that as long as DH played by her rules, all would be ok but if he stepped out of line, all hell would break loose.

Contact was great for the next 3 years. We got DSD more than the court order stated. I became ex "new best friend" and DH and I played her game.

Last month, DH made a geniune mistake over drop off and she went nuts, calling DH every name under the son. DH had had enough and told her so. Yes, contact was stopped, all attempts at communication were stopped.

About 3 hours ago, she came to our door and said she wanted to sort it out. Like a fool, I let her in.
I cannot believe what happened next and even as I write this I feel that I will wake up from a dream.

She proceded to tell us if we take her back to court, she will say DH was abusing DSD. She said that even though it is not true the fallout will affect our own DS. She said she will go to SS with these claims and will say she has real fears for my DS as well. She will go to the police and ensure our DS is removed from our home until an investigation is completed. She said she will tell SS that was why she stopped contact. She is a teacher and knows what do. I thought DH was going to go for her. She was calm, not shouting, screaming, just very calm and smiled through it all.

I cannot believe this is happening, I cannot even find the words to describe it. After she said this, it is all a haze, she walked out our home them. What do we do? What happens. I am really scared now.

I have changed my name

x-posted with you. It sounds like every weekend and in the week was done for the ex-wife's convenience, i.e. to give her more free time. She's never complied with the terms of the court order in reality, no Xmas? No summer holiday? No birthday?

I would push for the order to be correctly enforced. And I suspect you will still get the additional time because that's being done for the ex-wife's benefit. Your DH can make clear in the request that he is more than happy with the additional contact under the current arrangements but the order needs to be enforced since contact has been withdrawn, and he is no longer willing to concede Christmas, birthdays and summer holiday.

I'm confused by the timescales, you say your DS is yours and DH's but the timeline doesn't add up, did you mean he lives with you and DH is his step-dad?

My DS
will be going to the Academy in the next 2 years where the exwife teaches. I do not want that woman anywhere near my son. I donot care of we get contact resolved and everything running smoothly.
After last night, i will never trust her again and I will never be in her company again.
We live in a small town that is served by one high school. Unless i send my son to the catholic school that is 7miles away and a bus journey, he will need to go the local high school. Most of his friends are going there as well.
Can I speak to the school nearer the time and insist that my son is not taught by this woman.

God, how awful. How big is the school? More than one form per year, I assume.

So do we insist that contact goes back to what the court order states and ensure its enforced. If we do that DH has less time with DSD as what he originally had and DSD looses out

I imagine your solicitor will be the best person to advise you on this.

Bear in mind that your DSD is 12. Her wishes will have a significant effect on contact ordered by the court of you go back there. I have to wonder if she is starting to express her own opinions about contact and this has put the wind up the ex.

My guess is that, if your DH insists that contact arrangements are firmed up, she will be vile about missing the important occasions like Christmas and insist she gets her pound of flesh but your DH will still get the extra contact that suits her.

She sounds like a charmer!

Yes, you can request the school ensures she does not teach your son. There will already be rules in place to stop a parent teaching their own offspring if they are at the same school so it is possible to extend this. You should be able to request this without explaining the full story, just that there is animosity and you do not wish her to teach him.

my DS is nearly 10 and DSD will be 13 next month. My DH and I got together when DSD was just over 1 year old. DH and his ex had seperated before DSD was born but he got contact all the time and was there when DSD was born. When I first came on the scene, DH did not tell her about me as he know the shit would hit the fan.

When he finally did tell her, all seemed fine at first, contact would go ahead at her discreation. DH did nothing as he did not want to rock the boat. When DS was born, again all seemed fine. It was when DH and I got married that things really took a turn for the worse. DH could go a month without contact, then contact would resume.

Things got really bad when the ex asked at very short notice if we could have DSD on a particular weekend. We couldnt as we were going away to my brothers wedding. All hell broke lose. DH was accussed of putting my family before DSD. This was the first time we had actually said we could not have DSD.
My DH then received a solicitors letter advising that due to the ex's concerns about how DSD was treated at our home, all physical contact was stopping until ex had been given reassurance on her "concerns", namely if we wanted contact, it was to be supervised at a contact centre.

That was when DH went to his own solicitor and court proceedings began.

After almost 2 years of backing and froing to court and contact in a contact centre, DH was given non supervised contact which eventually led to EOW. Everything seemed ok after that, the court order was never adhered to but DH did get more contact that ordered.

DH was not happy over b'days, xmas etc but as we would get DSD more than what was ordered, he lived with it as he did not have the emotional energy to go back to court.
I always had a gut feeling that if she was challenged, things would go wrong but did not think or suspect for one minute the lengths she would go to.
Now we both have calmed down, DH thinks she would never have gone through with her threat but I suppose I lost all reason when my own son was threatened

TBH i would be informing the school of her accusations anyway, i personally would hate for a woman who can make accusations like this to be teaching my child. People like her make my blood boil she makes it all that harder for real victims to get help as the professionals are investigating false claims from vindictive people.

There will already be rules in place to stop a parent teaching their own offspring if they are at the same school so it is possible to extend this.

Not necessarily. it certainly wasn't the case in DD1's High School.

I would be very concerned about sending my DS to a school where she is a teacher. She is clearly a very vindictive character and has already seriously threatened his well being. I cannot see how he could be protected from her in this environment.

You could have a meeting with the head teacher next year and ask how they would ensure his well being but I'd also be a bit skeptical about any assurances I received.

A lot could happen in a year so you may feel sure he can't be in the same school as her by then or you may feel that she has become more reasonable. Who knows? I would keep an open mind until then but don't discount the other school unless you have a very good reason.

What a vindictive cow. I am not surprised you got angry

Right sorry to ask about the timeline, it just sounded from your original post that this had all basically happened in the last five years or so.

I honestly don't think you can decide that she wouldn't have gone through with it. Frankly no rational person would ever dream of even threatening it, especially when her own daughter would have to be dragged in to an investigation. And you don't know what's coming next - I very much doubt she's just going to roll over and allow contact to resume. Get your solicitor's letter out there, then watch and wait.

the teaching situation would depend on what she teaches - smaller schools may only have a small number of specialists in some subject areas so avoiding her may not be possible. It is not the case that there are universal rules about teachers not teaching their own children because with the best will in the world, it isn't always possible. You may need to consider your choice of school if the difficulties continue.

That said, the opportunities to bully your son or be vindictive would be few and far between. Within the classroom, she would have 29 witnesses to bullying behaviour (and potentially other adults with student teachers and learning support assistants). On corridors and at break and lunch times, there would also be hundreds of potential witnesses. If she were to mark him down on tests/exams/other assessments, that would be easily dealt with by looking at examples of friend's work and asking for a re-mark if there is an obvious discrepancy (friend got it right, son got same answer wrong). I wouldn't worry too much about what might happen in her work place - she is probably a very different person.

As an aside, do you live close to her? have you been happy to take the children to parties and sleep overs and other events? Is it possible that she denied contact because DSD wanted to go to a sleep over and she thought you would say no (based on past experiences if she didn't ask you?).

The other thing about pick ups being late is that it can really throw out your day. If you have organised something and are relying on getting there at a certain time for everything to work out, it can be very frustrating. It is possible that you ruined carefully laid out plans for the day? I know in my case, my ex messes about so I am wary of making plans and I wouldn't ever let him know that he needed to be on time because I had plans because that would be a sure-fire way of him turning up late! Of course, that doesn't warrant the level of 'revenge' she went to, but it is worth seeing it from all sides.

You could have a meeting with the head teacher next year and ask how they would ensure his well being but I'd also be a bit skeptical about any assurances I received

hmmm....assuming she is reasonably good at her job and there is no reason to doubt her professionalism, you would, I think, run the risk of being accused of harassment. Her private life is her own concern and her colleagues would be very aware of the 'he said/she said' that can go on between divorced couples. She hasn't actually been charged with anything (and let's assume she won't be) so there really is no reason to believe she will be anything other than professional. If the head sees a good teacher at work everyday and her ex and his new wife are sat there saying she's the devil incarnate, it's not going to go down very well, is it?

fedup, if DSD was going to a sleepover, we didnot have her that weekend. We were not given any option....just told DSD has plans but as we got her more that what was ordered, DH just let it go.
On the day he was late, he got times wrong, ex was not going out until later that evenin. DH was meant to pick DSD up at 4 but he thought it was 4.30. EX was going to the cinema at 7.30. When DH realised he was going to be late he told ex and said Scarlet can pick DSD up at 4. Ex said no, DSD was HIS responsibility not mine.

The school DS will be going to is a large school with over 1000 kids as it serves the other small villages around us. There would be no need for DS to have any contact at school with the ex

you would, I think, run the risk of being accused of harassment

I wouldn't deal in anything but bare facts. I would explain what was said, how the police responded, that you would have serious concerns about her being deeply involved with your DS, e.g. form tutor or subject teacher and that any concerns or contact with home should be dealt with by another member of staff. No personal opinions or comments are needed.

If you send him there but don't raise it beforehand you run the risk of her causing trouble and raising this situation at the time could be seen as you attacking her in order to defend yourselves.

you would, I think, run the risk of being accused of harassment

I wouldn't deal in anything but bare facts. I would explain what was said, how the police responded, that you would have serious concerns about her being deeply involved with your DS, e.g. form tutor or subject teacher and that any concerns or contact with home should be dealt with by another member of staff. No personal opinions or comments are needed.

If you send him there but don't raise it beforehand you run the risk of her causing trouble and raising this situation at the time could be seen as you attacking her in order to defend yourselves.

One meeting a year later dealing only in facts with specific requests re the care of their own child could not reasonably be called harassment.

She's talking out of her arse I sympathise but she's banking on your fear call her bluff or she will pull this stunt over and over again

Call SS and the police tell them what's happened and do it now

You only have the truth on your side but if you don't speak it now it will become lost in the melly

Ignore me just caught up with the thread !

"Now we both have calmed down, DH thinks she would never have gone through with her threat but I suppose I lost all reason when my own son was threatened"

No you didn't lose all reason.

You and your DH finally stood up to the bully, which has put her back in box
........for now.

Never give in to this bitch again.

Giving into bullies only makes them WORSE.

you're doing so well love.

please don't worry about her teaching your son for now, it's 2 yrs away.

IF she kicks off in the meantime, and forces you to make an official complaint, she'll not be teaching anyone

deal with this as things happen, try not to panic. you have the upper hand, you have the power.

get the solicitor's letter written as mentioned above and get her warned. get it on record.

if she does try anything, submit the complaint and take her down. make sure that she understands this, that there'll be no warnings, no mercy, nothing.

please see how strong a position you have, she's fucked up. big time.

Totally agree with Sister, you've stood up to her. It needed to happen and she'll think twice before she tries to threaten you again.

Please don't ever let your guard down with her, she's shown her true colours and now you're forewarned.

"IF she kicks off in the meantime, and forces you to make an official complaint, she'll not be teaching anyone"

Well said Hissy

just received this email from ex wifi (sorry dont know how to copy and past)

Dear Scarlett
It appears that things got out of hand last night and things were said in anger.
In order to resolve this issue, I would be more than willing to met with you in some neutral location. I would however prefer to met with just you, not DH as I feel he will not be willing to reach an amicable agreement.
Please let me know where and when you would like to met.
Regards
XXXXX

I have replied:
XXXX
Things did not get out of hand last night. You made a direct threat to myself, DH and my DS. The threat was not made in anger. You were very clear when you threatened to say DH abused DSD and you would ensure my DS was removed from my home.
Do not contact me again. If you need to make arrangements for DSD to come over, contact DH.
Stay away from me and my son. Do not call, text, email me again
Scarlett

So far have received no response and neither has DH

Don't meet with just her...ever! She's clearly barking. I'm an ex wife, who was seriously wronged and shat on from a great height, and I've never once contemplated behaving in this manner. (Am also a teacher!) she's clearly clearly barking mad.

And I'd speak to school when you're looking round about it. It does depend largely on what she teaches....my mum was my teacher in secondary so she did a minority subject.

X