Can't cope much longer

[Sleepyk]

I have been with my husband for 6 years and met my sd's (16 and 10 now) 5 years ago they come every Wednesday after school and every other weekend Friday to Sunday night.

My problem is my husband now has to work Saturday and Sunday mornings and doesn't get home until 2/3 o'clock leaving me with all the children ( I have a 16 year old boy and we have a 3 year old girl too). I feel increasingly like an unpaid baby sitter and in my heart think they should be with their mum OR their dad not with me looking after them IF I can't treat them as I would my own children.

I have tried to be a nice as I can but it's not really helping ... The older sd barely speaks at all ( head in phone or fast asleep / out with her mates) and the younger is becoming more difficult as the days go on. Their mum won't speak to me so I can only imagine what she says to the girls when they are at home. Dad spoils them and treads on egg shells trying not to upset them otherwise they won't want to come anymore.

The result is I am left with two children (as well as my own)who I can't " parent" - the little one is becoming more challenging and if I tell her not to do something she just sulks or cries till daddy gets home and the big one just stays in her bed all day unless shopping. The older one blows hot and freezing -but is a different girl when I'm not in the room as I often hear her and her dad laughing away but I don't see that side of her which is really sad. I don't want them to hate me or look back on their childhood and remember me as a miserable ole *** but that is what is going to happen

I want to say that they should stay at home with their mum during the day until daddy gets home as they are clearly happier there but I don't know if I am way off or how to address it.

Ps if anyone wants to say " you knew what you letting yourself in for " PLEASE don't waste your time.

Where is that coming from Alice? I've not read back through the whole thread but I don't recall anyone posting here making those sort of comments about NRPs. Happy to be corrected but I'm slightly about you insisting that the only childcare an NRP has options for is riddled with safeguarding issues, or that anyone has made such comments about ex's being 'dead beat dads' or crap DH's who let their DC & DW down. Aren't the NRPs most posters referring to the ones who were dumped/kicked out/forced to leave?

tension basgetti and I have been debating a hypothetical situation in which both parents work, and the NRP makes poor childcare choices.
How poor do those choices have to be before the PWC decides to step in, despite it being detrimental to her own employment?

Why is it that the emotional damage caused by regular exposure to a resentful carer is less significant to the PWC than a tangible risk of harm/neglect such as the DC being left home alone?

The OPs description of her DSC indicates that the situation is potentially emotionally damaging.
Yet the PWC is considered by some to have no responsibility to protect the DCs because it is the NRP who has created the situation.

Alice, your posts are very extreme. All this talk of abandoning children, leaving them with potheads, damage limitation, deadbeat Dads. All people are saying is that the NRP should care for the DCs when they are in his care. If this is going to be tricky then by all means liaise with the PWC (I would personally have jumped at the chance if I was free as I hated being away from DS and certainly didn't enjoy child free time). But if the PWC does have other plans then it is ultimately the responsibility of the NRP to organise things during his agreed contact time. The PWC shouldn't automatically become the default, summoned to collect her children because they are no longer convenient to the NRP's arrangements.

Actually Alice, I just mentioned childcare. You suggested it had to be poor childcare, as if the NRP is somehow incapable.

Why all the focus on ex-wives? Surely it is your husband's child, his contact time, and his choice to work during contact time. If you don't want to help him out with his obligations, and are seething with resentment, talk to him.

I have spectacularly failed to make my point and can't even blame !

It stands to reason that if a NRP regularly places his DCs in the care of their reluctant stepmum because he works during contact time, then he is not prioritising his DCs well being or respecting his DP.
Yes, he could find suitable alternative childcare, but what if he doesn't? What if he repeatedly ignored his DPs requests/complaints/objections?

Why shouldn't the resentful SM call up the PWC and ask her to collect her DCs? Why wouldn't the PWC want to know about the less than ideal childcare arrangements that the NRP has put in place? And, once knowing about them, why wouldn't the PWC make arrangements to prevent her DCs being placed in that situation - regardless of whether it is the NRP contact time or not?

Tbh Alice, in those circumstances, it's not very likely a PWC will be aware of the problems between their ex and the spouse/partner. How likely is it that the DH will tell their ex how much their DC hate spending time with his spouse/partner, when the NRP has likely created the situation where his partner/spouse is providing his childcare? Or that his spouse/partner hates looking after the DC? It just seems like a highly unlikely conversation between the DH and their ex. And how likely is it that a SP would rather discuss their resentment of being used as unpaid childcare with the DH's ex rather than their own partner/spouse? The information that would have to be gleaned from the NRP and/or the SP about how unsuitable the set up is for the DC in order for a PWC to justify enforcing changed to agreed contact - I just can't see how that is freely given to a PWC in this kind of scenario. Maybe I'm not aware of this sort of 'exchange of views' that goes on, because I've not had that kind of discussion in my situation but I just can't see how that would or could happen.

In all honesty I cannot see a relationship where one half takes advantage of the other in imposing an arrangement for childcare on them, ignoring how reluctant they are to do so, and not taking seriously their objections, and the other half going to their DH's ex to get them to deal with what the NRP won't face up to/deal with, actually surviving!

A PWC doesn't yield the kind of power needed to sort out the issues in the relationship between their ex and his reluctant spouse/partner where the NRP ignores the SP's reluctance to be the unpaid help. The PWC isn't capable of fixing the problems in another home, when they are not involved in the decisions made, they are not party to the discussions that resulted in the set up that is causing the resentment in the unwilling, unpaid, SP. Yes, the PWC removing the DC from a situation where their presence causes resentment and tension would be one solution to the problem. But, again, it just removes the need for the NRP who created the tension and resentment by imposing their responsibility on a reluctant partner/spouse, to actually deal with the situation properly. It creates new problems - DC feeling rejected by the NRP, PWC being blamed by DC for not letting them see their other parent, SP being blamed for causing a rift in the relationship between DC and their parent. Are all those extra problems worth the solution being bandied about as the only logical solution to this kind of scenario? Will the DC not be equally 'damaged' by having their contact time reduced further/stopped completely where the NRP works all week and most/all weekend, and then never sees the DC?

I cannot see why the most obvious answer is the one being most avoided - that the NRP is left to deal with their own responsibility for their own DC. It seems that SP's don't want to force the issue and would rather that the problem is passed to the PWC rather than the NRP deal with it. Personally, I'd welcome a call from my ex's g/f if she felt DD wasn't being looked after properly/DD wasn't behaving/ex was being a total Disney dad etc. but I can imagine that wouldn't go down well with my ex, and would likely mean the end of their relationship. And I cannot see that being a regular sort of call made by many SP.

tension The OPs DSC are 16&10 - isn't it likely that they will complain to their Mum about the situation?

A quick scan of MN posts indicates that there are plenty of lone-parents who have heard tales of a wicked step mum from their DCs - the more enlightened realise its the ex, rather than the SM who has created the situation, but in most cases, the PWC is only too quick to condemn the SM for resenting her DCs - which may well be true because of the situation SM finds herself in.

I shared the "his time, his problem" attitude to my DDs dad for years - thinking why the hell should I solve problems that happen on his time? I now think differently - and DD is a lot happier as a result.

The 16 yr old could do her own thing but chooses to spend time at her dads when he's not there. Why would she complain to her DM when she had a choice on what to do herself? The 10 yr old is getting the Disney dad version of her dad so why would they complain to their DM about the OP when they get full on Disney dad when he appears? A 10 yr old isn't daft - they are hardly going to risk the time they do get with that version of their dad by complaining to mum about the OP. The OP herself doesn't seem to do much to upset this apple cart - she is afraid to broach the subject with her DH so is unlikely to be actually doing much that would upset the DSC. A lot of what's been described sounds upsetting/miserable for the OP, but not enough to prompt the DSC to actually complain about, especially if they get Disney dad when he gets home.

Again, you are putting responsibility onto a PWC to sort out the problems in another home where she had no way of knowing how bad/miserable it actually is for the DC when the dad is doing his best to be a Disney parent rather than realise how miserable his DW is or discipline his DC/support the OP disciplining his DC. The problem is one that the OP needs to sort out with her DH, and yet she feels she can't do that because of how fearful he is of his DC refusing to come over if disciplined. I'm sorry but that isn't something a PWC can do much about where the DSC are being pandered do by their Disney dad to avoid them actually having a reason to complain/refuse to come over.

That's not the only possible scenario though Alice. There are NRPs without partners, NRPs with partners happy to help or even wanting to take over and diminish the RPs role.

The fact remains that there are NRPs who think its ok to pick choose if and when they are going to take responsibility for their children. And that's not ok.

there isn't much a PWC can do about children who are pandered to by their Disney Dad to avoid them having a reason to complain/refuse to come over

I can't argue with that. If DH wasn't around during contact, DSS was compensated with computer games, cash, takeaways etc. I don't think children in bio families are compensated if Dad works weekends ......

This thread has really made me think. I don't think a man should agree to a contact schedule he can't fulfil. However DH genuinely wanted DSS to visit EOW, and didn't see his lack of availability as a problem. In reality, a contact schedule of alternate Sundays plus a flexible mid week night may have been more realistic, but I doubt the ex would have been happy with so little contact, and DH would also think its not enough, even though in reality it's all that was happening anyway.

I think the other problem occurs over altering an existing contact schedule, that's not working. Access schedules are put in place, and then life can change for many different reasons, but such schedules seem to be immune from the effects of evolution and reality, so you often find families doing ridiculous things for years, that probably don't suit anyone, just because the rota says so!

In all honesty, when I first met DH, the arrangements that were in place made me want to bang their heads together (the heads of DH and his ex).

DH stubbornly insisted on EOW plus a midweek night (even though his solicitor had asked him to consider how this would pan out in practice), he needed every penny he could lay his hands on due to the cost of the divorce and setting up home again, so wasn't in a position to work less hours.

So the ex was enjoying her child-free time, plus generous maintenance. By the time DH realised he'd made a mistake over the contact schedule, he'd rather made a rod for his own back (particularly as he did all the collections/drop-offs). But DH was too proud/stubborn to admit he wasn't coping, but the ex wouldn't have given a monkeys anyway. She knew her son was spending hours alone at his fathers house, but wasn't bothered.

So who do I blame? Both of them actually.

When either parent has contact the other parent does not actually have the right to dictate who looks after the DCs, what they do etc.

This is rammed home enough on this forum.

Alice - you are now saying they the PWC usually the Mum should interfere. YOu want it every way. Sorry you are coming across really badly, you want the ex usually male to have a new family on his terms, DCs, fitting aorund them and his work, if he needs to drop something for whatever reason then the PWC should pick up the slack. God forbid the PWC and DCs may need contact to be stable if it deos not fit the new fmaily then tough luck. But also the EX can not complain about what is done during their contact time.

He can prioritise his work over contact and his dcs, but god forbid the PWC should try and hold down a job, not claim benefits because if she does that then she really is a bad mother.

Basically, the mum is responsible for care at all times, should never rely on the other parent and if the other parent changes it tough shit and you wonder why step mums get a bad rep.

I do not think that the step mum should be automatic child carer, but stepmums partner and father of his children needs to sort out his contact time and his child care just like any other parent has to.

Think we all got your message loud and clear, Mum gets screwed, Dad and new family rule.

If stepping in to prevent DCs being caused emotional harm is interfering then yes I am saying that's what a PWC should do.

The OP has made it clear that her DSC are unhappy in her care and that it is significantly impacting on their behaviour. What kind of mother says "tough, that's Dads problem?"

You're assuming though that the PWC knows that there is friction over the SM looking after the children. You are also assuming that the PWC is aware that the children are being looked after by the SM.

I would have thought that it is rare that the SM and the DC's mum communicate at all to be honest.

If the OP is unhappy over her situation then she needs to take that up with her husband, the father of the children. The father of the children should then approach his ex to see if the current contact arrangements can be changed, in view of his change in circumstances. It is for the OP's husband to rearrange contact, if he cannot have the children during that time. It is not for the OP to contact the mother directly.

It is not for the OP to contact the mother directly.

I disagree. If a SM has tried and failed to resolve the situation with the DCs NRP then I believe she has a responsibility to tell the PWC that she is unwilling to care for the DCs and that to continue to do so will expose her DCs to friction.

She'd soon be branded a WSM if it subsequently came out that she knew how unhappy the DSC were but did nothing about it.

SM in this situation have two choices- leave the relationship or refuse to care for the DCs by calling the PWC if the NRP refuses. Either way screws up the PWC's arrangements, but that's not the fault of SM.

No it's not the fault of the SM. As I mentioned earlier in the thread, after many, many years of looking after my DSS when my then husband was at work during contact time, I ended up telling his mum that I wouldn't be doing it again. I had tried discussing it with my then husband but he wouldn't listen.

I'm just saying that in a normal case the SM and the DC's mum do not usually have any kind of relationship. In those circumstances it is for the SM to tell her husband that if he is not around to look after his children on a regular basis then he needs to change the contact arrangements with the mother of the children. We are not talking about the odd occasion here, we are talking about every single week. I don't blame the OP for being pissed off but she needs to take that up with her husband and not be frightened of looking like the WSM.

needaholidaynow really good point; it's a mad situation when the ex can just decide that dancing lessons are taking place, without any consultation with the household that would have to facilitates these classes!

We had a similar situation 18 months ago, when the ex arranged for DSS to do some weekend voluntary work near to her home. Fine on the weekends when DSS was with her, but logistically insane when DSS was with us. It made more sense for DSS to be based at home whilst doing voluntary work on the same street, but nooooooo, he still had to be collected by DH, brought back to our house, taken back to his mother's street for voluntary work, then collected and brought back to us. I used to call DH 'Daddy Diesel', it cost him a fortune in fuel.

Alice - Why would the SM need to call the PWC in order to stop caring for the DSC? She can simply tell her DP that she isn't willing to care for them. Obviosuly she can suggest compromises, other solutions first, but if all that fails then she simply says she isn't willing to do it any more. If my Ex's DW rang me to complain that my ex was leaving the DCs in her care too much, I'd be really pissed off with her and tell her to talk to my ex about it.

I think one of the first rules of making stepfamilies work is to allow your ex and their household a fair bit of space to find things that work for them. If my DCs complain about something at their dad's house, I listen to them, suggest ways of making things better, but would always suggest they bring their concerns up with their dad if at all possible. I only intervene as a last resort - and even then it's not to tell him what to do, but only to help one of my DC communicate what they're unhappy about, so that my ex can find the right solution for him and his household.

I find it very strange that you're suggesting that the right person for the SM to tackle about it would in any circumstances (with the exception of real safety concerns maybe) ever be the PWC

Purple - precisely, that is exactly what I was trying to get at. The last thing the OP wants is to get so frustrated and resentful that she ends up having a go at the wrong person, the mother of the children, as I ended up doing so long ago.

I was angry with my ex for putting me in the position of having to look after his child every weekend. I had absolutely no say in my own life during that period of time. That anger, over many years, became worse and worse until I said something to the child's mother. Which was wrong of me. It wasn't her that had put me in that position.

I am now in the position of being the PWC with my own DS having split up with the ex as mentioned above. When my DS comes back from his dad's house I ask him what he has been doing with his dad etc (making idle chit chat). The reasons for this are two fold. Firstly I am taking an interest in what my DS has been doing since I last saw him. Secondly I am making sure that my ex-husband isn't doing to his new partner what he did to me. As I have mentioned earlier in this thread, I don't want anyone to feel as resentful about my DS as I used to feel about my DSS. It's not fair on the child.

She can simply tell her DP that she isn't willing to care for them. Obviosuly she can suggest compromises, other solutions first, but if all that fails then she simply says she isn't willing to do it any more

There have been plenty of examples on this thread and elsewhere on MN where the NRP disregards the SM opinion - where she is literally left with the DSC when her DH leaves for work, or the DSCs turn up after school - very common if the SM is a SAHM with young children. What should she do? Drag her own DCs out of the house, leaving DSC home alone? Drop the DSC off with their DH at work? There have been posts where the SM has done just that! Call social services? Or call the DSC mum and place the problem in her hands?

The OP doesn't say whether or not she has spoken to her DH - if not, then that is the first step, but if, like so many SM, she has tried and failed then the PWC really is her only option.

All these extra costs that come from the decision that her mum made to start the dancing in the first place and we have no choice in the matter!

Why doesn't your DH say no?