Can't cope much longer

[Sleepyk]

I have been with my husband for 6 years and met my sd's (16 and 10 now) 5 years ago they come every Wednesday after school and every other weekend Friday to Sunday night.

My problem is my husband now has to work Saturday and Sunday mornings and doesn't get home until 2/3 o'clock leaving me with all the children ( I have a 16 year old boy and we have a 3 year old girl too). I feel increasingly like an unpaid baby sitter and in my heart think they should be with their mum OR their dad not with me looking after them IF I can't treat them as I would my own children.

I have tried to be a nice as I can but it's not really helping ... The older sd barely speaks at all ( head in phone or fast asleep / out with her mates) and the younger is becoming more difficult as the days go on. Their mum won't speak to me so I can only imagine what she says to the girls when they are at home. Dad spoils them and treads on egg shells trying not to upset them otherwise they won't want to come anymore.

The result is I am left with two children (as well as my own)who I can't " parent" - the little one is becoming more challenging and if I tell her not to do something she just sulks or cries till daddy gets home and the big one just stays in her bed all day unless shopping. The older one blows hot and freezing -but is a different girl when I'm not in the room as I often hear her and her dad laughing away but I don't see that side of her which is really sad. I don't want them to hate me or look back on their childhood and remember me as a miserable ole *** but that is what is going to happen

I want to say that they should stay at home with their mum during the day until daddy gets home as they are clearly happier there but I don't know if I am way off or how to address it.

Ps if anyone wants to say " you knew what you letting yourself in for " PLEASE don't waste your time.

mumsandboys - were we married to the same man!!

contact is to maintain the DCs relationship with the other parent and be part of their life, that means work, play etc. Petal since when has contact meant it should only be at the convenience of the NRP and what suits their life, that it never impacts on their work, life etc.

My Ex says he will have the DCs then with sometimes 2 hrs notice, drops the whole caboodle on me. I try and co ordinate my 7 working weekends per annum, around him having the DCs, so when he does that - it is a huge issue for me and a huge cost - that I am expected to pick up. It usually involves his new DP finding out that her Ex can have her DCs and they want a weekend on their own - what the is one of those! /So far he has managed 2 of the 7 weekends this year - with one left to go - not holdingmy breath on that one.

SleepyK - You and your partner need to work it out, they are part of your family and this involves work, life, play etc.

theydeserve no one is suggesting that contact should be arranged totally to suit the NRP, but if the NRP only sees the children for a limited amount of hours each week, surely it's common sense for this contact to be arranged for when the NRP isn't at work? You wouldn't expect someone who works office hours to be told they're having access all day in Thursday plus Friday afternoon?

If you're going to expect contact to take place during someone's normal working hours, when they won't see the child - you might as well suggest that contact takes placed between 9am-3pm Monday and Tuesday. Yes, the kids will be at school, so parent/child won't see each other, but hey -contact is officially taking place (albeit in absentia again) but that doesn't seem to bother you, does it .........

contact is to maintain the DCs relationship with the other parent and be part of their life, that means work, play etc

I disagree. The law makes it clear that a contact order places less responsibility on the NRP parent than a shared residency order does on both parents.

Yes, it's unfair on the Resident parent if the NRP refuses to take shared responsibility for their DC and leaves the bulk of parenting to the RP, but it shouldn't be a surprise, surely you knew what you were getting into when you had DCs with him ?

I think the point Petal is that it's down to both parents to sort out care of the child between them. And to provide for them between them. That's what they did when they were together, it shouldn't be any different when they part. If the ops dp has had an arrangement where he doesn't work weekends, then starts doing so then he needs to consider the impact of changing it on his contact with the children.

While it may be possible for an RP to alter things at her end, it's possible that they can't if, for example they use the time that their child is with the NRP to work, then its his which case its his problem to solve not hers. And that may mean finding a different job.

Children aren't optional, although sadly so many NRPs seem to think they can pick and choose which parts of parenting they do, and what sacrifices they make - and it seems are fully supported in doing so by new partners.

And I love how contact with a parent is considered "time off" for the other one! And how dare the RP spend that time with a boyfriend. Makes me laugh!

Alice is right - there's a difference between a contact order and shared care. I don't think a NRP could realistically achieved shared care if they only have a child for a small amount of hours each week.

Tuckshop sadly, sensible agreements and co-parenting seem rare, however in an ideal world both parents could negotiate a solution that accommodates their working patterns. But when goodwill is absent, that's pretty hard to achieve.

And it's easy to say "get another job" to a NRP whose present work commitments involve weekends, but jobs are in pretty short supply, if non existent, in some areas.

I think Alice and Petal are right that there's a difference between "contact" when the DC is essentially visiting their NRP, and shared care where they have two homes. But shared care does not have to be 50-50. My ex has my DCs EOW and one midweek night, just like the OP, but it is very much a shared care arrangement. The DCs consider that they have two homes.

If my ex wanted to work at the weekends, I would expect him to sort out the childcare, or renegotiate a different schedule with me. I certainly wouldn't react well to his DW contacting me directly to tell me I should be looking after my own DCs, as some posters have suggested

Purpleroses - your suggestion of rearranging contact if your ex needed to work at weekends, is a sensible and reasonable idea. Sadly we see too little of this in many cases!

£500 a month?
Regardless of whether your DH should be parenting his dc or spending time with them on these weekends and whether DSC's mum is entitled to time off, YOU are not responsible for him. If they want you to look after them then you have the right to be treated with respect. This situation is clearly not working and you are being treated badly by all concerned.
I wouldn't blame you for sending them back to their Mum's or telling DH to sort out some other arrangement if his dc can't behave properly when they are in your care.

Thank you for all the replies. In answer to some ... I have 3 year old as well as a 15 year old at home so I can't "work more" than the part time hours I do. My husband can't alter his work so I've put that to one side so it was just the moral aspect of wether or not others had similar situations and how they arrange things. I feel awful as he works so hard to support us all but I can foresee my sd's hating me soon...

Petal, I wasn't saying "get a job" in the context of an existing arrangement, it was in the context of the NRP wanting to change contact and thinking that they can just do so without considering the impact on the RP, or the child. It's when they do so and present a fait accompli that the RP has to just accept that it's unacceptable.

What do I do when I can't be around for dd because I have to work? I arrange for her to go to a friend, pay for childcare, ask my boyfriend to be around. I don't see that it's any different for my ex. And time with him is not my "time off". It's time with her Dad, pure and simple.

And shared care and contact are just legal phrases and arrangements put in place when a legal order is required. A child still has two "full" parents and two parents who should be taking equal responsibility for parenting the child - no matter how much they see them. But all the while that these men/parents are being enabled to consider themselves less responsible for their children, that'll never change and surely that's where the whole Disney parenting lark starts?

Sleepyk, my dd gets really hurt when she gets sent away from her Dad's. She had to go to a friend's for the day, and then return to he Dad's when the teachers' strike was on as her Dad refused to take the day off work - and he could have - and his partner would only look after her own children, not dd. I was away at a funeral. The relationship with his partner is rocky as it is, and that has just made it worse. And then xh wonders why dd and his dp aren't as close as I am to my dsd, his other dd.

Could you find something to do on a Saturday/Sunday morning with everyone, a joint activity or something? And the one who wants to stay in bed - I'd just let her and count my blessings!

I think frustration is most likely to arise when the NRP works weekends, but the PWC doesn't, but access is still expected to take place at the weekend, leaving the step mother as baby sitter.

You can end up with Saturdays (for example) where the NRP can't be around, yet the PWC insists the child is despatched anyway. And I still think there's a big difference between shared care and a contact arrangement. If you have the child for 90% of the time, then of course you'll do the lions share of the parenting.

As DSS got a little older, and could be left unsupervised, the access situation got even more bizarre in our household, with DSS frequently making access visits to our house when no one was in. I was the only one who thought this odd - DH was happy because DSS was under his roof, so in his eyes access was taking place.

"Access" clearly means different things to different people, I always assumed it meant parent/child spending time together. But reading this thread it would seem I'm in the minority!

I should also add that if the separated parents have an amicable relationship, a lot of what's been discussed on this thread would probably never happen.

My experience, which obviously colours my views, is of a DH who works every hour god sends, the ex who didn't work at all - but who was routinely as difficult and unhelpful as possible. Ultimately it was DSS who suffered. I realise not all step situations are like this.

Have to say I agree with tuckshop on this. He has changed his working arrangements and he has to sort out childcare during his access/contact time - and I agree with Petal that this does not necessarily have to be the OP.

Why him changing his working arrangements, should then be the repsonsibility of the Mum to pick up the shortfall is not fair on her. Bet he did not discuss the change and the impact it would have on her.

I love my DCs and will always put them first unlike the ex. However, I am not here to facilitate his new family and new DP, having child free weekends when her DCs are with her EX and I look after our DCs when it is supposed to be his time with his children. I am then his unpaid glorified babysitter.

Have to say I am saddened by so many of the comments that the DSS/Ds in peoples lives are not welcome in their usually fathers homes, outside the set agreed times. Not sure how that engenders any feelings of belonging, feeling welcome and part of their new parents family and then we wonder why they play up.

I'd say it's not about the dsc not being welcome in the fathers house, it's the fact that they are there to see their father and what is thr point if he is not there. I get along fine with my dsc but they want and need to spend time with their df, so he should be there when they do. When they're here in will of course cook, clean, take them out but it's not my responsibility.

Some of my best times with dsd were when her Dad wasn't there.

Me too tuckshop But I don't think the OP woud be getting much sympathy if she was complaining about looking after her DSDs on odd ocassions. But she says her OH is working every Saturday and Sunday that they have them. So he never has breakfast or lunch with his DDs. And the DDs behavoiur suggests they're not happy about it either.
Whether stop coming for whole weekends or continue with the OP caring for them, either way their dad's long working hours to support 2 families are likely to leave them feeling he has little time for them

It sounds as if the OPs DH is working longer hours including at the weekend is more maintenance can be paid to his XW. This feels rather chicken and egg - surely the maintenance should be set according to how much he earns. Is the maintenance all child maintenance or is there some spousal maintenance? It seems daft for him to be working more which means he can't see his children. £500 a month for two children would be a salary of over £40k with no reduction for amount of time they are with the NRP which is a large salary. Or was it £500 more a month which suggests a much larger salary? If he's not earning that much then the amounts aren't fair.

My husband and I am responsible for our children all day every day. But if I got a divorce, then I might only be responsible for them half of the time.

Reminds me of when I dropped DSS off at his mums to find her slow to answer the door because she was having "a lovely bubble bath with a glass of wine", because "you deserve a break being a mum, don't you?"

Do you? Apparently that's only a practical possibility if my relationship fails. I've just spent every spare minute I had between looking after my 3, looking after yours. Which might be easier to swallow if you didn't regularly treat me like a worthless piece of shit.

Drives me up the friggin' wall!

Flowerpot I agree there's no point in the children visiting their father's home if he's not there. It rather defeats the object of access.

Purpleroses I also agree that if a man's working lots if hours to support two families, then he's not going to have much time. But in an intact family, if Dad works long hours he's generally praised for his efforts. In a step situation however, the tables turn and the same working pattern is suddenly construed as a negative because he doesn't have much time! Poor bloke can't win.

There seems to be an obsession with "clearing the schedule" to create very specific time slots for step children, this time has to be ring fenced against the effects of reality and real life. It's really artificial. If a man's working round the clock, then everyone in his life has to accept they get a smaller slice of his time. Why should time he spends with his, for example, new partner/children, be reduced, but the allocation for the step children remain the same?

There does seem to be an increasing belief on this board and in society as a whole that NRP households should be available to the NR-DCs at the whim of the DC and/or their RP.

Where one household is the primary residence, that is where the DC lives, where school correspondence is sent, where they are registered for Drs/Dentists/childcare, where play dates and parties take place - it is unreasonable to expect the DC to view both their parents homes equally.
And if they have a different emotional response to each homes, then their parenting needs are going to be different in each home.

Whereas in their primary home, they are likely to be comfortable and natural in the regular care of another trusted adult, when it comes to their secondary home, they may need the security of their parents presence - and without that parent, they may become challenging for the stepparent or other adult to care for as a family member.

If RP want their DCs to be part of the NRP household when it comes to care, then I think it's necessary for that RP to actively promote the NRP home as equal in all things - for either parent to be equally likely to take the DC to the dentist, for school friends to be equally familiar with both homes and for the local youth clubs in both neighbourhoods to be familiar hangouts. It's not reasonable to expect a DC's needs to be consistent when their environment differs.

If the NRP refuses to take responsibility for these things, and refuses to promote their home as equal then unfair though it may be on the RP, it is certainly not in the DCs best interests for the RP to force that status on the Dzc when it comes to care. If the DC is playing up in the regular care of a stepparent, then that may well indicate that the DC is unsettled. Why would a RP insist upon it?

Excellent post Alice.

There also seems to be real sense of entitlement from (some) PWC, that they should get a break from their children. As Random says, it's something that's only a possibility if the bio parents separate, as in a together family you've got the kids 24/7.

And before everyone jumps into say the father's getting a break - well he's not, he's at work!

DH went through all this with his ex, before the split he worked long hours, then after the split he still worked long hours, but was expected to accommodate an access schedule that just wasn't workable. He couldn't afford to reduce his hours. The ex left him for her toy boy, wanted hefty maintenance payments, plus "a break" Thurs-Sun EOW. DH just didn't have enough hours in the day.

That's an interesting point, Petal - I think a lot of married men so see their role as breadwinner and are OK about not seeing their children all that much. But knowing that they're being cared for by their DW and they can hear how they're doing from her, say a quick hello when they get in is part of their identity as "family man".

All that changes when people split up. Fathers then need to flip bewteen the two roles of primary carer (when they hvae their DCs) or absent father whose DCs are living in another home. Some men, I think, would rather try and continue the "male breadwinner of the family" role, so would prefer their DCs to be in their home, being cared for by "wife figure", even if this woman isn't actually the DCs mum and the DCs don't treat her like a mum. In other words, I think a very gendered division of family roles doesn't work very well as a model of co-parenting post-separation. Both parents need to be both roles to the DCs in their household.

I don't think we know why the OPs dp works such long hours do we? Happy to be corrected. It might be that he's one of those people who just works all the time rather than invest any time in their families.

I don't insist on dd going to her Dad's at all costs. I've cancelled days when she was going to be with his partner and not with her Dad, and I've said no to her going for tea one day a week. As I pointed out, he wasn't actually going to be home from work in time, so she wasn't going to see him therefore there was no point. Of course I'm the evil ex who blocks contact.

But when I was with him, I'd look after dsd during school holidays or on Saturdays and was happy to do so if I wasn't at work. It just wouldn't have occurred to me to say no to it. She was part of the family. And I find it a bit odd to be putting criteria on what type of "residence" it is, and therefore what should happen in terms of looking after her or who takes responsibility for what. It was just her Dad's home and she was spending time with him. It was really straightforward to me. In fact it's still like that for me. She's with me, or with her Dad. She has two parents with equal responsibility for her, but only has one who actually takes it.

Purpleroses bravo! That's exactly how it is, you summed it up better than I could.

The 'breadwinner' role is generally at odds with the 'primary carer' role, due to time constraints (although try telling that to an obstructive ex who wants lots of maintenance and EOW child-free ......). Even with the best intentions, a man can't flip between the two roles if he's not physically there.

But he thinks that if the child is at his home, being looked after by his new partner, then the traditional gendered roles are being fulfilled, and everyone is happy ........ That's exactly how it was with DH. But I, like a lot of other step mothers, wasn't too impressed, and wondered why on earth DSS needed to be here in his father's absence.

Blended families are not good for anyone. It's one of those situations in life where it's obvious something doesn't work, but I'm at a loss to come up with a better suggestion.

Tuckshop but some men work long hours because they want to provide as best they can for their families, not to avoid spending time with them. As I said in an earlier post, when DH was still with his first wife, his work ethic and bread winning abilities were considered praiseworthy. But after the split these same factors were then cited against him, and he was accused of not pulling his weight.