Can't cope much longer

[Sleepyk]

I have been with my husband for 6 years and met my sd's (16 and 10 now) 5 years ago they come every Wednesday after school and every other weekend Friday to Sunday night.

My problem is my husband now has to work Saturday and Sunday mornings and doesn't get home until 2/3 o'clock leaving me with all the children ( I have a 16 year old boy and we have a 3 year old girl too). I feel increasingly like an unpaid baby sitter and in my heart think they should be with their mum OR their dad not with me looking after them IF I can't treat them as I would my own children.

I have tried to be a nice as I can but it's not really helping ... The older sd barely speaks at all ( head in phone or fast asleep / out with her mates) and the younger is becoming more difficult as the days go on. Their mum won't speak to me so I can only imagine what she says to the girls when they are at home. Dad spoils them and treads on egg shells trying not to upset them otherwise they won't want to come anymore.

The result is I am left with two children (as well as my own)who I can't " parent" - the little one is becoming more challenging and if I tell her not to do something she just sulks or cries till daddy gets home and the big one just stays in her bed all day unless shopping. The older one blows hot and freezing -but is a different girl when I'm not in the room as I often hear her and her dad laughing away but I don't see that side of her which is really sad. I don't want them to hate me or look back on their childhood and remember me as a miserable ole *** but that is what is going to happen

I want to say that they should stay at home with their mum during the day until daddy gets home as they are clearly happier there but I don't know if I am way off or how to address it.

Ps if anyone wants to say " you knew what you letting yourself in for " PLEASE don't waste your time.

If you're the PWC, then as the name suggests, you are the main carer, you must have elected to have this role at some point after the split, otherwise your ex would be the PWC.

Exactly petal and if neither parent chooses to be PWC that responsibility falls elsewhere.
It is a choice that comes with consequences - and one of them is that you are primary carer for the DC. It's not a buffet - either you are PWC, warts and all, or you're not.

I have to take issue with the "you are the main carer, you must have elected to have this role at some point after the split, otherwise your ex would be the PWC. " comment.

I have yet to met a PWC who elected this or, for that matter, a NRP who ever said 'oh you be the PWC so you take the responsibility ALL the time'.

Most splits DO NOT involve a discussion in an adult like fashion that will result in the discussion over the children. They are normally free for all smackdowns initially. And the majority of people DO split through an affair by one or the other. It is the parent who leaves who makes the choice for shared custody or contact, not necessarily through choice but often through work choices, where they will live and cost.

An ex who does not live close to school will likely not want shared custody, an ex who lives in a unsuitable house will likely be unable to have shared custody, an ex who doesn't want the day to day parenting crap will not have shared custody, an ex whose work pattern cannot or will not change will not want shared custody. But the bottom line is whoever is left with the children has little or no choice in the matter and there is often no discussion about it either.

Petal, my ex isn't working just now, and I'm not 'squealing' about that. As nfk says, the OP's DH was never in a position to take on w/e work as he had already agreed contact time then. But, he dumped his responsibility for that on his DW instead of thinking if that was actually viable for his DC or not. That's where this whole debate stems from, something you have experience of, and yet still the DH's responsibility is deflected onto his ex, when he chose to work weekends knowing it impacted on his time with his DC and his DW's life too.

I disagree Tension. You might not like your role as PWC, but looking after your own children (and I'm starting to think you don't like your kids very much, as you object so strongly about having to care for them) is surely a more anticipated situation than finding yourself looking after someone else's child at weekends without having given your agreement?

tension Did your ex put a gun to your head and threaten to kill you if you didn't become his DCs PWC? Did he apply to court for a residency order with you?

Or, more likely, did you choose to take on that responsibility of your own free will - because you were not prepared to accept the consequences for your DCs if you hadn't?

Eh? So I don't like my DD now because I don't like the fact her dad can bugger off and not parent his own DD? Really? I resent that I cannot share responsibility with my ex. I don't resent my DD. I resent my ex for my DD's sake as well as my own. She doesn't have a dad who shows the kind of interest or concern that she deserves. How you make the leap from that, that I must not like my DD much is a bit much.

But to the OP - I'm not sure that it woulkd be an issue for the mother. Surely the 16yr old is capable of looking after the 10yr old. If Dad can't look after them, he needs to suggest it.

And you have my sympathy, having a teen who doesn't like you and is your own is hard enough, so I can only image that this situation is twice as bad

Arf at Petal lecturing others on disliking their DC when she seems to resent her own DSS's very existence. I'm sure your DH's ex had loads of choice about being the PWC, knowing that you would have welcomed him to your home with open arms 50% of the time.

Alice, I chose to be a parent. It's that simple. The difference in how i parent now, as a result of my ex abdicating his responsibility, isn't my choice. There were no guns involved, there are no court orders, but I DID NOT CHOOSE to become a lone parent with sole care of my DD. I'd love nothing better than to have a shared care arrangement because I think my DD would benefit from that set up, I'd be in a better position in my job, but that isn't a choice ill have. So again, I chose to be a parent, but I did not choose to be a lone parent/PWC that you insist is an active choice I, and every other PWC, made.

the problem with 'stepping up', Alice, is that in some situations it can lead to job loss or reduced income. I am, I think, the kind of person you mention one way or another - I take precautions when arranging my life and activities and have been paying childcare, for example, for every day of the week in case my ex should disappear again or decide he can't do one particular day etc. That means my childcare bills are 20% higher than they need to be. I accept that but I don't have to like it or not be annoyed about it. If I hadn't taken that precaution, I would this week be out of work because he has decided to change 'his' day with the children because he's moved further away and he can no longer accommodate the evening activity he was taking one of the children to. It doesn't suit me to pick that activity up - but I'll have to because I have no choice but the bigger problem is childcare and work and I can see that had I not taken the precautions I had, I'd now have a major, major problem. Why should it be MY problem that he has moved away and wants to change how things work? Why should my lifestyle have to change to accommodate his lifestyle change? More importantly, why should our children's lifestyle have to change because of his lifestyle change?

That 20% a month amounts to some £130. That's a huge amount of money to have to throw away. It's even worse when no maintenance is being received. It's money that could go in my savings or my pension or be spent on the children. I can afford it - I'm a professional, earn a decent wage, have no mortgage and I am lucky enough to have substantial savings. Precious few have those advantages and I feel for those who I know are struggling to make ends meet because an ex won't step up so they have to.

Not liking nor accepting my ex's behaviour doesn't make me a victim or give me a victim mentality. Nor does my acceptance make him any less of a bully for refusing to discuss anything or mediate or accept any responsibility whatsoever for the bringing up of our children.

sleepyk

Hi! Are you still there? I've just read through the whole thread. Phew.

I'll be honest, I've never been divorced, and I don't understand the family law surrounding divorce orders. But, I grew up with divorced parents and a step mum.

Trying to be as constructive as possible here. Just reading the thread, you can see that trying to renegotiate visiting times is a bit of a can of worms. Only you know the ex and how she'll respond, but I'd steer clear.

Your dh's daughters are getting older already, so the amount of years in front of you is actually limited compared to the rest of your lives together. It's also not 24/7. You could end up destroying your own relationship with your dh, if your dh loses his relationship with his dds. Without meaning to, you may make him feel that he has to choose between his second family and his first born children. If that happens, he will resent you in the long run. Not saying that would be fair and just. Simply that I think it is what would happen. No one really expects you as a sm to love them unconditionally, but he is their dad, and I assume he does. If you balk, create an issue with the ex that upsets the whole deal, and contact with the sds is lost, he won't blame himself. He will blame you.

I also assume, that suggesting your dh find some childcare for his dds while you are at home wouldn't go down to well. It certainly looks unwelcoming and ungracious.

So, you are stuck in a situation on weekends where you are alone with the kids from the time they wake up till about 2:30 in the afternoon. To make this less tedious for everyone, I wonder if there is some sort of sports activity, etc. You could sign them up for. Just filling a couple of those 5 hours would help break it up and fill the time.

Alternatively, could you get them to do something with their dear step sibling that works in your favour? As a teenager, I used to take my little half sister to the pool when she was a toddler. My step mum liked it. She hated swimming and enjoyed about 2 hours to herself, while we were out. We came home she fed us lunch, and baby-half sister had a nap.

My half-sister was an "only child" me and my full sister are the only siblings she has. When her parents pass away, we will be the only family she has. Although there is a big age gap between us, I am glad we got to know each other. Otherwise she'd be on her own with much older parents.

Missing, that is a lovely post and very insightful.
What you say reminds me of the relationship between my ds and his sm.
Exh remarried a few years before I did and his dw is a lovely person, she has no own kids and always treated my ds well (was 7 at the time). How ever, I also raised my ds to be respectful and considerate and would have been mortified if she'd have had cause for complaint.
Now ds is older, 15, his staying with his dad depends very much in his social life and they make it up as they go along among themselves, and after a couple of hiccups (sm helped me a lot to get the men to unlock horns...) the pattern is quite regular. But when his dad has plans for a Saturday morning, ds stays home until he comes back or fetches him.
Unfortunately for me, dsc mum went out of her way to get her kids to be disrespectful to me (NOT ow) out of sheer viciousness of seeing her ex move on. And because that was the tenor of their relationship, dh did little to back me up, being afraid his dc would side even more with their mum and not come.
In the end I took dh to couple counseling to save our marriage, he followed through on letting up on Disney parenting, the dsc developed well and acquired manners (which will help in RL too) and dh is surprised how well dsc and I are relating.
A little respect goes a long way...

Thanks Loveineveryspoonful.

You sound like a marvel. It's hard to maintain discipline and composure in the face of such an onslaught. Of course, if you buckle, and jump into the fray yourself all is lost. But, it takes the patience of a saint to stand firm. Your dsc are lucky to have you instead of some less grounded. They may not realise it till they grow up and have their own children, though!

Petal and Alice - are you serious.

My Ex got up one morning and told me he was not coming back and walked out the door. I too, it is true to say, could have done the same - leaving the DCS on their own at 4 and 2 because I was actively choosing to not be the PWC.

However, if I had done, it would me being accused of neglect because he went out the door first.

I did not choose to be a single parent, I did not choose to be a PWC, I do not believe it is the responsibility of other people bar the two birth parents to look after our DCs.

God forbid the PWC should expect the NRP to stick to his arrangement, give more than, our record, 20 minutes notice that they can not care for their own DCs. ( that time it involved me taking a 6 and 4 yr old with me to have a smear test!!! - was really living it up large on that day in my god given right to have an hour of child free time to myself!)

• because lets be honest after this thread, all DSS and DSD are really just tolerated in most new families, considered a drain on resources of the new family and generally it would be better if they and the exW dropped off the face of the earth and a new life started. Let's cheer when they get to 18 because then you can never expect them to want to see their parent again and you will have the life that you wanted without that small human inconvenience. You and your DP can then start having the idyllic life you deserve and have been thwarted from having by the inconvenient fact your DP had DCs from a previous relationship.

You sound.............. what I want to say would get me banned.

theydeserve the experience you've just shared sounds pretty rough.

Let me tell you what happened to my DH. His wife left him for another man. By the time I met him, two years after the divorce, he was struggling. Yes of course he wanted to see his children, but he also ran (and still runs) a small building firm, requiring a long working week. As I said earlier in the thread, when he was married to his first wife, his work ethic was praised, and his first family enjoyed the fruits of his labours. His first wife didn't complain about the hours he worked.

However when I met him, the ex had already had one baby with her new man, and was expecting another. Fair enough, her prerogative. But she was extremely keen to have Thurs-Sun EOW with her new family and had no interest in DH's working hours, except that he was able to provide generous maintenance payments. The ex didn't, and still doesn't work.

The real problem was the Thursday 4pm pick-ups. She expected DH to collect DSS at 4pm, even though 4pm on a Thursday is not the end of the working day for most people, and definitely not DH. It was always "if you don't collect him at 4pm, you won't see him this weekend." DH didn't want that to happen, so would quite literally down tools, leave site, collect DSS from his mother's, take him back to an empty house, the go back to site and work til the early evening, leaving (at the time) and 11 yr old home alone with no tea til really late. As the ex didn't work, there was no reason why DSS couldn't have stayed at home til DH finished work.

The arrival of her second baby coincided with Feb half term. She decided, at the 11th hour, that DSS should spend half term with his Dad, knowing darn fine that the building industry doesn't have half term holidays. So DH dutifully collected DSS, and DSS spent the entire half term holiday alone at DH's house. DH actually said that if he'd known about the baby's due date, he could have been a bit flexible, but the ex kept the due date to herself and landed this on DH with notice.

There was also the time she abandoned DSS at A&E; he'd had a mishap at school, the ex spent an hour at the hospital, then decided DH should take over, only DH was, as usual, completely in the dark - he didn't know there had been an accident, nor which hospital.

You get the drift. It's not just mothers who get dealt bad cards. Dads get some shit too.

We're discussing:

Whether its appropriate to fit access arrangements around a NRP's working hours

Whether a NRP should change jobs if their working hours don't fit with the access rota

Should a step parent be expected to fulfil access on behalf of their partner

Who gets the worst deal? Separated mothers or separated fathers.

That's it in a nut shell!

need a - OP asks if she as SM should be expected to look after her DSC when their dad is at work on their contact weekends, because she is finding it hard and thinks they should be with their mum, not her.

This led to the following debates:

• should NRPs be working anyway during contact time? What if PWC was happy with long hours when they were a couple but not now this impacts contact? What about maintenance?

• should PWCs be more flexible in allowing non conventional/flexible contact time when NRPs have jobs with unconventional working patterns? To what extent? What if the PWC also works unconventional hours and relies on NRP to take children during this time?

• do PWCs already have enough on their plates being the parent who looks after the DC single handedly most of the time anyway, and should NRPs honour their rota-ed contact time no matter what, even if they end up working during all of it it and hardly see their DC during it as they are looked after by DSM or other childcare.

• did PWCs make the choice to be PWC and therefore they shouldn't complain if they end up looking after the DC potentially 100% of the time with no 'breaks'? Do PWC take on victim mentality when they don't get what they want from NRP and is this reasonable or not?

• are DC going to be affected by all this, either by not having enough contact time with NRP, or feeling like burdens on everyone, or being forced to spend time with a SP they don't particularly want to spend time with, or by being taught that their PWC is a victim of the NRP.

I may have missed something...

This has actually been a very good thread - a robust exchange of views without getting silly or particularly abusive.

need - I don't think there were many (any?) posters arguing that the DSM should be obliged to look after the DSC alone on a regular basis.

But there was contention over whether responsibility then goes straight back to the PWC (usually mother) to have the children, or if the NRP (usually dad) should arrange alternate childcare, or rearrange his own commitments.

if the NRP is working, then the PWC should look after the child

Absolutely. I've never seen the point in a child, or anyone else for that matter, heading off to visit someone who isn't in!!!

DH's ex doesn't work, which is why I never felt inclined to run around like a blue *rsed fly (I work full time) if DH's job meant he couldn't honour the contact schedule.

I've looked after DSC whilst my DP is working, and their mum is not working, but only in situations where the contact schedule was arranged first, and my DP has then agreed to cancel some holiday to fulfil an urgent request from work. I think it would be a bit rough for him to hand them back to his ex in that situation as she might have made plans - albeit social rather than work. But this has only been when I've already planned to be at home with my own DCs, so it's not really requiring me to change my plans at all.

And I wouldn't generally expect DP to arrange contact at times when he knows he'll have to work.

Putting DSC into formal childcare whilst their DSM is at home with her own children is a bit of a touchy issue I think - it's absolutely fine if the DSC enjoy the childcare, but there was the odd ocassion when my DCs have been at at their dad's when's he's had to work early so they've been woken up really early and deposited at a breakfast club at 7.30am, because their DSM refuses to get them breakfast and walk the youngest one mile to school (she's at home full time with a toddler). Makes me a bit sad that she can't do even the odd thing like that for them.