Can't cope much longer

[Sleepyk]

I have been with my husband for 6 years and met my sd's (16 and 10 now) 5 years ago they come every Wednesday after school and every other weekend Friday to Sunday night.

My problem is my husband now has to work Saturday and Sunday mornings and doesn't get home until 2/3 o'clock leaving me with all the children ( I have a 16 year old boy and we have a 3 year old girl too). I feel increasingly like an unpaid baby sitter and in my heart think they should be with their mum OR their dad not with me looking after them IF I can't treat them as I would my own children.

I have tried to be a nice as I can but it's not really helping ... The older sd barely speaks at all ( head in phone or fast asleep / out with her mates) and the younger is becoming more difficult as the days go on. Their mum won't speak to me so I can only imagine what she says to the girls when they are at home. Dad spoils them and treads on egg shells trying not to upset them otherwise they won't want to come anymore.

The result is I am left with two children (as well as my own)who I can't " parent" - the little one is becoming more challenging and if I tell her not to do something she just sulks or cries till daddy gets home and the big one just stays in her bed all day unless shopping. The older one blows hot and freezing -but is a different girl when I'm not in the room as I often hear her and her dad laughing away but I don't see that side of her which is really sad. I don't want them to hate me or look back on their childhood and remember me as a miserable ole *** but that is what is going to happen

I want to say that they should stay at home with their mum during the day until daddy gets home as they are clearly happier there but I don't know if I am way off or how to address it.

Ps if anyone wants to say " you knew what you letting yourself in for " PLEASE don't waste your time.

Yes, that is it for a lot of men isn't it? I think that's what I was trying to formulate for the op's situation. It's not necessarily that the "poor man" is working to support both families - he might be perfectly happy to be doing all those hours.

And actually I think I may have felt resentful of being put in that position by xh if it had been like that. That wouldn't have been dsd's fault so I'd still have been happy to look after her, but that would have been a separate issue to how xh viewed my role.

I agree Petal. People have different drivers for how much and why they work But everything changes after separation though. For everyone.

But when I was with him, I'd look after dsd during school holidays or on Saturdays and was happy to do so if I wasn't at work. It just wouldn't have occurred to me to say no to it. She was part of the family.

But not all DCs feel like part of the family - they don't feel the same way about their NRP home as their RP home.

Sometimes that's because their NRP treats them as a guest and doesn't play the role of an equal parent, and sometimes it's because the RP discourages the NRP from playing this role.
Whichever it is, it's certainly not reasonable to expect the DC to change how they feel to suit the opinion of whichever parent they happen to be with.

Yes Tuckshop, I agree with you.

I think this thread has really gone round the houses (and has been a really interesting debate) but I suppose it all comes back down to the OP's original question about whether the step mother should be expected to have the children in their father's absence (irrespective of why he's at work).

I'm happy to look after my DSC if my DP has to work when he's arranged contact. I've had them for 3 days at a time once when he had to go oversees and have taken DSD away camping with me and DD without DP who's a wimp. I do feel they're part of the family when they're with us, and as we live in the house they grow up in, I think they do very much see it as home (though Alice makes an interesting point that an NRP's home isn't always "home" to the same extent).

But I would feel something wasn't quite right if I was on my own with them for the majority of time that they were with us, and he was hardly seeing them, and they were unhappy about that situation.

This is really interesting. I will happily look after my DSC on the odd occasion if DP has to work and he does the same for me. Its what being a family/partnership is all about and the dc behave well with either one of us (mostly!). I wouldn't be so happy to do it regularly because not only would the ex kick off but they are here to see their Dad, not me.
BUT in the OPs situation the dc aren't behaving, they are treating the OP badly and she is just expected to put up with it. These dcs parents can't have it both ways, they can't expect OP to look after their children but not teach them to respect her or allow her to discipline them. If I thought my dc were behaving like that while in someone elses care (no matter who) I would tear them off a strip and make them behave themselves.

I didn't mind on ad-hoc occasions, but there was one point when DH was working most Saturdays, and that's when it all got a bit much.

But I was never allowed to engage in any sort of discipline, and feel that if a step parent agrees to take on the responsibilty of a parent, they should be given the authority of a parent. Otherwise you end up where your household is dictated by someone else's 11 year old ......

Yes, that's when it becomes not OK. if there's a lack of consideration and appreciation from the parent. When they take decisions that affect their partner without consultation. And that's something between the couple.

Alice in - "If the NRP refuses to take responsibility for these things, and refuses to promote their home as equal then unfair though it may be on the RP, it is certainly not in the DCs best interests for the RP to force that status on the Dzc when it comes to care. If the DC is playing up in the regular care of a stepparent, then that may well indicate that the DC is unsettled. Why would a RP insist upon it?"

Why would a RP insist on contact - because in some cases, the failure to make the StepDCs welcome, is the new partner - who in my case, e mailed me to tell me that they would never be part of the family and eventually they would not come. She wins, she divorces the DCs from their father - which is what she wants.

My DCs love their Dad, love spending time with him, but hate spending time with his new DP. Once contact stops then it will never restart and I am not going to be blamed for stopping it. I hate them going (which is rare) but they need their father.

Am just waiting for ExH to grow some balls and stop believing everything his new DP says about the kids.

Theydeserve - that is truly shocking
Nasty woman!

Why is it so outrageous for the PWC to want a break?
when (s)he had children there were two parents and the burden was shared day to day - no one had a break but no one had to bear it all alone.
now the separation has occurred, the PWC has no support day to day but the other parents is still a parent. so his / her input will be put in to the children in concentrated bursts, rather than a constant drip drip day to day, as when parents live together - which means that just as the dcs need their burst of parenting from the other parent, and just as the NRP parent needs his/her burst of time with the dcs, the PWC needs his/her burst of not being constantly on, alone, all the time. Why is this crazy or obnoxious?

the NRP's partner, if a woman, being burdened with doing the parenting for the NRP, if a man, is probably an issue of sexism and the man not really being arsed to parent and using whichever woman he happens to be shagging to stand between him and this loathesome duty, whether or not she is actually the mother of his children. (yes, work may be unavoidable, but this isn't always just about work) This is perhaps part of went wrong with the first relationship. And part of why the now PWC needs a break so much - maybe she is damned if she is going to do it all alone for ever, having done so for the first x years. but this is an issue to take up with the NRP and society, not for the PWC - women squabbling amongst themselves over who is working hardest when the reason they seem to have all this work to do is because the man won't do any at all, is missing the point.

Do you realise how bitter you sound, Yourtoastmildred?

Your comments about "whoever he's shagging now" sound very derogatory towards second wives/partners.

Why is it so outrageous for the PWC to want a break?

Because the PWC knew what she was getting into when she had DCs! DCs are cared for by a lone parent for all sorts of reasons - death of a spouse, change in employment location or separation.

It is completely outrageous for a PWC, who chose to have DCs, to expect/demand that an unrelated woman somehow has a responsibility to give her a break purely because she in a relationship with the DCs father.

If a PWC needs a break and the NRP isn't willing then the PWC has to make other arrangements directly with a suitable person - not expect stepparents to pick up the slack left by the DCs parents.

Petal02:

"Do you realise how bitter you sound, Yourtoastmildred?"

erm no I don't realise I am bitter about anything. Or, if I am, it is about the patriarchy and how it makes women bear the brunt of everything family-related.

"Your comments about "whoever he's shagging now" sound very derogatory towards second wives/partners."
Sorry, it is not meant to.
the scathing note in that was really a disapproval of men who think that their having a personal relationship with a woman gives them a right to her leisure time to use as they wish, including parenting their children.

Alice - "to expect/demand that an unrelated woman somehow has a responsibility to give her a break" - but that is not what I am saying! In fact, this is the opposite of what I am saying, if you read my post - I am saying this is not a battle for leisure time between two women and framing it as such is missing the point and letting one parent totally off the parenting hook.
I am saying that the parent of the child should take some of the pressure, if not by living with him / her and loving him / her at the same time as co-parenting with him / her (which is presumably no longer possible), then by stepping in at appropriate intervals.

"Because the PWC knew what she was getting into when she had DCs!" - so did both parents. you seem to apply this to one only. Let me guess - the one who is usually the woman. IS this fair?

youretoast. You're quite right, when a couple choose to have a DC then they are both accepting that they may, at some point in the future, be responsible for that DC 24/7.

Just like stepparents enter into relationships with their DPs accepting that their shared home is/may become their DSC primary home.

What annoys me is the double standards. Single separated PWC are considered victims if the NRP doesn't accept their responsibility. The fact that the NRP was selected as the DCs parent by the PWC is conveniently forgotten.

In contrast, a stepmum is expected to know what they are getting into and any suggestion that it is difficult is met with condemnation.

If stepmums should know what life will be like, then so should prospective mums - and select their DCs father with care so that he isn't a deadbeat dad if the relationship fails.

Tell dh he needs to change contact times for when he is around.

This^. You're the SM, not the DM or the DF. You shouldn't be stuck with this situation. Access visits are so these DC can spend time with their DF, not lumber you with caring for extra DC who neither want to spend time with you, nor you them. I would talk to your DH about this and tell him that you're not doing it any more. End of story.

So the father of the DCs didn't know what he was getting into when he had children? He gets to abdicate all responsibility and leave the PWC to do it all?

Having said this I wouldn't be at all happy if, when my DS does to his dads house, my ex was leaving my DS with his partner while he goes to work/to the pub/wherever. Particularly if this was happening every time my DS went to his dads.

My ex has four other children that are not mine. When we were married he had his second youngest son overnight once a week (the older three were teenagers and whilst they saw their dad regularly they didn't stay over), usually on a Saturday night.

He also worked a night shift on that same Saturday night, which meant that I couldn't ever go out and see friends as I was effectively "baby sitting" for his child. This went on for years. From the time that I met my ex when the little boy was two, until we split up when he was ten.

God I resented it. My argument was that if his father wasn't in the house, then why should that be the night that he stayed over? Why couldn't he come on a Friday or a Sunday, when his dad was there? It also meant that my ex stayed in bed until mid afternoon on the Sunday so I couldn't go anywhere then either. It meant I couldn't do anything at all from Saturday at 7pm until Sunday afternoon every single weekend.

I was in my early 20s when I met my ex, which probably meant I was quite selfish and immature. I also didn't have children at that point myself and couldn't understand the pressures of being a single parent to a young child and needing the occasional night to myself.

Of course when I became a single parent myself, particularly when my DS was a toddler, I knew why she needed that time. But knowing how resentful I felt about having to look after a child every week and feeling trapped by that situation I wouldn't want anyone to feel that way about my DS.

So if his dad isn't going to be around, or if he has to work, then my DS stays with me. My DS has cottoned on to the fact that his dad quite often cancels seeing him because he's going out/going away for the weekend. He does get upset about it sometimes but I would rather that my DS stayed with me rather than being with my ex's partner, who may not want to look after him.

I was a step-child, BTW. I'd have HATED this arrangement. For a while my DF worked Sat mornings and it was awful being stuck with 'D'SM, who did not want us there. The feeling was entirely mutual!

Alice: "The fact that the NRP was selected as the DCs parent by the PWC is conveniently forgotten." what is the import of the bold in that sentence? you seem to be saying that if the PWC is a woman, she decided to have children, she appointed a man to be their father, and she holds all responsibility for everything for ever, including his parenting skills and commitment! Incredible. Are you a man or a woman? If you are a woman, you need help.

TomHardy: " was in my early 20s when I met my ex, which probably meant I was quite selfish and immature. " erm doesn't sound like it if you didn't go out on a Saturday night for 8 years because you were minding someone else's child!

"Of course when I became a single parent myself, particularly when my DS was a toddler, I knew why she needed that time" Well it shouldn't have been up to you to provide her with that time all the same. Or at least, not necessarily as a regular thing, at the expense of your own social life. you say you wanted it to be Friday or Sunday - why was this not possible? Was your dp by any chance just finding it easier to do it at times when you would take up so much of the slack?

This is a fascinating thread (as are many on the SP board) because it seems so hard for us as a society to hold men responsible for children. There is so much stand-by-your-mannery that means that some other woman must always be to blame for everything, ever.
(or, you can moan about your man but you can't seriously expect him to do anything)
I am astonished that one of the posters advised this OP to contact the mother. Seriously?
I am reading this in conjunction with the wifework thread - one of the wifework things that really annoys me is the assumption that women who may or may not know or like each other should be in close contact about all social arrangements - this is a particularly weird and pointed version of this

mildred you've missed my point.

both parents have a responsibility to ensure that they select a suitable parent for their DCs - and if it subsequently transpires that they made a poor choice, they are partly responsible for that.

My DH made a crap choice of mother for his DCs. He recognises and admits that - and although her behaviour is reprehensible and inexcusable, he is willing to take responsibility for what is happening to his DCs because he knew what their mum was like and chose to have DCs with her anyway.

The victim culture - be it single Mums blaming their DCs fathers for being deadbeat, or NR Dads bemoaning the controlling behaviour of their DCs mum - absolves them of taking any responsibility themselves for their past choices.

But when it comes to stepmums - they're never the victim in the eyes of society - their predicament was entirely of their own making.

I am astonished that one of the posters advised this OP to contact the mother. Seriously? Me too

The two parents here are splitting the weekends evenly. Neither of them are truly lone parents (in the sense of having been widowed or left completely). They are sharing the care.

The FATHER has then abdicated his responsibility for caring for them on HIS weekends to his DP, who isn't finding it easy, and nor are the DCs.

Just how is this the mother's responsibility? She's doing her share. Her ex is not doing his. As a mother, I'd be willing to renegotiate the care arrangements with my ex if he needed to work, but I'd be horrified if his DW was to contact me to complain at my ex having left them in her care!

My Ex thought that as he was going out to earn money that I should be grateful for this (even though I worked FT too) and that I shouldn't mind having to get up with a toddler/young child every weekend. It was made clear to me that his ex-wife needed to have her night out and if that meant that I had to look after their DS to facilitate their working and social arrangements then so be it.

I can remember two incidents, that even now make me a bit cross.

1. I had got up with their DS at stupid o'clock and the EXW (who I quite like and still see occasionally so there's no animosity there) was supposed to pick her DS up at 10am as I had made arrangements to see some friends on the Sunday morning. At ten past she still hadn't arrived, so I rang her. She said she had just got up and I would have to keep her DS until twelve. I'm sorry to say that it wasn't my finest hour. I lost it. This was about three months before my ex and I split up. I said I had a baby and a life too and I had made arrangements which were now ruined. I told her that it was up to the PARENTS of this child to organise proper care for him (said his name at this point) and that I was sick of being used as an unpaid, unasked babysitter. I also told her (and my ex) that it would be the last time that I would do it.

1. When I had just given birth and had had many, many, many stitches as a result of said birth, my ex and his ex decided to tell me that she was swanning off to Barcelona for a four day weekend and that he was working so I could look after their DS for the four days. This was the beginning of the end of my marriage to be honest. They had obviously discussed it between themselves and then presented me with their decision as a take or leave it kind of thing. I was not at all impressed at the time.

Alice, that is just waffle. It may be that there is a reasonable point in there somewhere if it is something like "step mothers should not be demonised if they don't want to be used as unpaid childcare" but it's not coming out while you are just talking nonsense about people taking responsibility for whom they had children with. What you mean is mothers are responsible for everything, THE END
Because what you are saying turns into is the already-more-responsible-one taking ALL the responsibility, including for having picked someone a bit crap. Unless the person who is a bit crap dies or goes to prison, it is still his or her responsibility to be a parent and your axe-grinding is just forcing it all back on the person who is already doing the most.

tomhardy He clearly didn't make any secret of his attitude towards parenting his older DCs, yet you had a child with him youself.

Having subsequently split up you seem aggrieved that he treats your DC the way you saw him treat your DSC?

mildred Thank you for telling me what I actually meant when clearly what I should have said is that I agree with everything you say