Can't cope much longer

[Sleepyk]

I have been with my husband for 6 years and met my sd's (16 and 10 now) 5 years ago they come every Wednesday after school and every other weekend Friday to Sunday night.

My problem is my husband now has to work Saturday and Sunday mornings and doesn't get home until 2/3 o'clock leaving me with all the children ( I have a 16 year old boy and we have a 3 year old girl too). I feel increasingly like an unpaid baby sitter and in my heart think they should be with their mum OR their dad not with me looking after them IF I can't treat them as I would my own children.

I have tried to be a nice as I can but it's not really helping ... The older sd barely speaks at all ( head in phone or fast asleep / out with her mates) and the younger is becoming more difficult as the days go on. Their mum won't speak to me so I can only imagine what she says to the girls when they are at home. Dad spoils them and treads on egg shells trying not to upset them otherwise they won't want to come anymore.

The result is I am left with two children (as well as my own)who I can't " parent" - the little one is becoming more challenging and if I tell her not to do something she just sulks or cries till daddy gets home and the big one just stays in her bed all day unless shopping. The older one blows hot and freezing -but is a different girl when I'm not in the room as I often hear her and her dad laughing away but I don't see that side of her which is really sad. I don't want them to hate me or look back on their childhood and remember me as a miserable ole *** but that is what is going to happen

I want to say that they should stay at home with their mum during the day until daddy gets home as they are clearly happier there but I don't know if I am way off or how to address it.

Ps if anyone wants to say " you knew what you letting yourself in for " PLEASE don't waste your time.

That's just it though. I'm not bothered personally whether he cancels seeing our DS or not. I pick up the slack willingly. It's the fact that DS gets upset when his dad cancels that bothers me. It still doesn't mean that I would ask his partner to have him if his dad can't.

And for the record I was told at 18 I would never have children. I was 30 when I had DS and I was five months pregnant before I found out that I was pregnant (I don't have periods). I didn't want children at all. So no, my DS wasn't planned. I would never have planned to have DC with my ex.

I still think there are too many PWC with a sizeable and questionable sense of entitlement to child-free time, coupled with a genuine desire to make life as awkward as possible for their exes.

But the 'traditional' EOW schedule for access to children doesn't help either. Yes, lots of people have their weekends on Saturday and Sunday, but what if you're someone that doesn't? Many people work 6 day weeks as a matter of course, some people's only day off is (for example) a Tuesday. Some people work permanent nights. So trying to insist that someone like this should have EOW access, not to maintain the relationship between child and NRP, but to give the ex a break ..... Well it's just pointless, isn't it?

That's when you get situations like when my DSS used to visit our empty house, because his mother insisted upon it.

I'm pretty lucky that XH and I are both flexible when we need to. He's having them more at the moment as I'm away working. I have them more at other times. He did have them for a night in the week (which I did quite like) but he's doing a new choir and so it would have been silly for the DC to have been with a babysitter just because it was "his" night.

it would have been silly for DC to be with a babysitter, just because it was "his" night

Exactly. But too many PWC would argue that whether the NRP is available or not, he should still collect the child.

Can someone remind me what PWC stands for? The only thing I can think of is Price Waterhouse Coopers, but I'm guessing it's not that...

Petal, I know your back story and can see a lot of your own experience coming through in your posts - I don't mean that in a derogatory way btw, your experience is valid here. But, I'm wondering what you anticipate would have happened had you been more forceful in putting your view across to your DH i.e. when he wasn't home, DS doesn't come? Do you think your DH should have adjusted his own work/life schedule to accommodate his (rigid EOW) contact schedule, or do you think he should have insisted his EXW took on more responsibility for your DSS when your DH wasn't there i.e. working/plans etc?

For what it's worth, I think I get where Alice is coming from re PWC/NRP having the same 'you knew what you were getting into' argument. It's as valid a point as the ever present accusation for SPs that they 'knew what they were getting into' in getting involved with someone with DC. That is, it's valid up to a point, but beyond the consideration of what you think life might be like with your partner as a prospective parent/parent of DC that aren't yours, then it is ridiculous to throw that into the mix as a way to respond to someone's legitimate gripe over how life had actually turned out, and you aren't happy with aspects of it. That's my interpretation anyway, I might be wrong!

In answer to the OP, I think your DH needs to step up and deal with this. He needs to actually listen to your concerns and act on them, for the sake of his own DC if nothing else. I agree with Mildred's overall point that a huge number of threads posted on this board do stem from the age-old problem of NRPs abdicating parenting responsibility to, in many cases, unprepared or unwilling partners who are then dancing to someone else's tune, be that the partner/husband or the EXW. I'd hate to live my life like that. I hated the not knowing one day/week to the next when my ex would see our DD, and that's hard enough. To have that burden for DC that aren't yours? Not something I'd happily endure tbh.

Parent with care. The opposite of NRP - non resident parent.

Thanks Tension

I can see both sides here. And of course everyone brings their individual experiences to the table, which undoubtedly results in bias.

I am very lucky in my situation. For example, last weekend was usually mine and DP's to have DSS. But there was a professional event that DP really wanted to go to on Friday and Saturday afternoons, which would have essentially left me looking after DSS from Friday evening through to Saturday evening. Now, a few hours here and there with DSS on my own I am fine with, but more than that starts to get a bit difficult, and I had things of my own that I really wanted to do during that time. I tactfully intimated this to DP, and he arranged with his ex that DSS would be picked up by us late on Saturday afternoon rather than Friday after school as normal. She was fine with it, because she is lovely and maybe also because we had done her a favour the weekend before by looking after not only DSS when it wasn't our weekend, but also having her DD (DSS's lovely half sister who is technically 'nothing to do with us' but who we adore) because she had a family emergency.

This kind of ad-hoc give and take where we all try to accomodate each other on a flexible basis really works for us. Sometimes I do hope that DSS doesn't get too put out by arrangements sometimes changing last minute, but overall we seem to find a balance and he doesn't lose out on time in one place or the other. I think now when he's 8 it is fine, it might get harder when he's older and more aware of time and has personal arrangements.

It's so hard to comment on others' situations though. I don't know how I'd cope if I had to deal with a difficult ex, or a DP who wasn't taking responsibility. Step parenting is hard enough without that stuff. Jeez.

Tension, I was regularly vey forceful with DH about access by proxy. I insisted he didn't bring DSS over if he wasn't going to be around. But he refused to listen, and as I couldn't physically prevent him from bringing DSS to our house, I was stuck.

it would never have entered DH's head to renegotiate a more appropriate contact schedule with the ex; as far as he was concerned, the rota had to be complied with come hell or high water. Flexibility was unthinkable. I've no idea if the ex would have been prepared to make different arrangements (although I suspect not .....) but that conversation never took place.

As with all matters relating to DSS, his stock response was "if you don't like it, you know where the door is". I've no idea if he would really have let me go rather than challenge the rota, but having had one divorce I didn't want another. And DH wondered why I resented his son........

Thanks for answering that Petal. I think your experience is one that typifies the step parent experience - the 'like it or lump it' response from your partner/spouse when you raise a valid concern about 'how things are' when it comes to contact, especially by proxy as you say. I'm guessing that your feelings for your DH were greater than your frustration with his refusal to address your concerns? I really don't think I could accept that if I'm honest. Which is probably why I'm still single

I am genuinely saddened reading a lot of the threads on here, especially when there is clear indication that the step parent is being used by either the partner or the ex for child care/convenience with the undermining of not being allowed to deal with unacceptable behavioural the same time. I'd hate the emotional blackmail that's regularly trotted out by 'Disney parents' who accuse SPs of not liking/wanting the DC while ignoring very real concerns/frustrations/feelings of someone put in a position of being expected to constantly put others (even ex's) feelings before their own. It is a recurring theme here. With my enlightened by this board view, step parenting is not something I'd want to get involved in. If I ever got involved with someone who had DC I'd keep my own place/space and never move in with someone else/let them move in. I couldn't cope!

I think a lot of men are totally terrified of upsetting the ex, in case she obstructs contact. Although in our case, if we ever upset the ex it resulted in more contact. DH used to argue that if we upset her "she'll make us have DSS every weekend." I used to point out that she couldn't make him do anything, and that DH always had the option to refuse her requests. But to no avail. She pulled his strings and I'll never understand why.

Petal
"I still think there are too many PWC with a sizeable and questionable sense of entitlement to child-free time"
Sorry, this attitude is blowing my mind.
If a couple get married, and have children, and then separate, and one of them lives with the children, and the other one doesn't; then, from then on, the one who lives with the children can never expect the other one to look after them? it is questionable to expect the other one to parent them occasionally, when you do it nearly all the time? My head is exploding

If I split with dp and spent 12 days out of 14 doing breakfast, bath time, homework, tea, ballet, never going out myself, night wakings, laundry, toy tidying, etc etc etc, all by myself with no one ever supporting or even making me a cup of tea and giving me a sympathetic look, I would bloody well expect him to do 1 or 2 days in the 14. I wouldn't think that a questionable sense of entitlement. They are his children too. If he was working some of the time, he could take them some of the other time.

"As with all matters relating to DSS, his stock response was "if you don't like it, you know where the door is". I've no idea if he would really have let me go rather than challenge the rota, but having had one divorce I didn't want another. And DH wondered why I resented his son........"
If I were here and read you posting about that I would have said LTB. Not because he expected you to fit in with him looking after his son, but because he expected you to do it, and not negotiate on it. Why? BEcause you are a woman? I can't see how on earth a person with self esteem would accept that* and I think resenting the son rather than the man who put you in that position is twisted.

I did know what I was getting into, we were married for 8 yrs before having DCs - just did not expect him to run off with someone 14 yrs younger than himself - not sure how that is my fault.

I ask for 12 days out of 365 per annum of child care - given 1 yrs notice. Ex response was I was expecting too much and he could not always manage that. This is not for me to have child free time, it is so I could work.

Petal - you did not resent your DSS, you resented your DH for not having the balls to sort the situation out. Your DSS was a product of your DHs inability to man up and sort his own life out.

I too struggle with the concept that the usually male in the relationship, can up sticks leave, expect huge amounts of child free time, mainly at his convenience and then get pissed off that his EX might possible get pissed off when he refuses /wants to change contact agreements at the last minute, expect her to fund more child care.

Tonight for the 4th time this year, I went out for a drink, I paid a baby sitter. Am I pissed off, yes because I am £25 down on a day that EXH is supposed to have DCs and told me on Thursday at 1830 that he could not because he was working. No issue with his new DP not wanting them there( she is a complete cow and the less the DCs see of her the better, but it is not her responsibility to look after my DCs in his time) but he should have paid for the babysitter at his house not me.

This has been an interesting thread, it is now very apparent to me that the husbands DCs are rarely welcome in the house of the new family, they are not part of the family are not welcome to just drop in and see their Dad( a concept I find so repulsive) simply because he is their Dad, because Dad or the new DP want their time etc.... I loved my EXh and did not see this coming, my heart bleeds for the only people really hurt in this - the children. To be shown that they are an inconvenience whenever they are in the other house and merely tolerated is so sad and does not reflect well on any of the other adults in the situation.

Petal - why on earth would you resent a child for the appalling behaviour of their parent? Why?

I find that sort of attitude, where a child is used as a proxy for the problems in the adult relationship, to be absolutely chilling. And yes, I think it is an attitude that's expressed on this board far too often.

I also agree with everything Mildred's written here.

I think it's sad that you make a definition between looking after your own children and babysitting them. They are part of your family know op whether you like it or not. I agree their dad needs to sort this out for everyone but I also think you need to have a think about your feelings & attitude towards them.

mildred The failure of one parent to take equal responsibility does not obligate the other to pick up the slack though.

Both parents have the equal and independent choice not to provide adaquately for their DCs and the choice one parent makes does not limit the choices available to the other. A PWC is choosing to fulfil their responsibility to their DC - it is not a situation over which they have no influence regardless of the choices made by the other parent.

theydeserve For every child who feels unwelcome in their Dads home there is one who feels guilty for betraying their mum because they do feel a part of their Dads family when they are with him.

In my experience, it is the minority of separated families that achieve the ideal situation that you describe.

Really, Alice, I made a choice to be the PWC? My ex just didn't walk out and leave me with the children and expect me to care for them as long as he decided he didn't want to have them? I have just this week had to make a massive adjustment to my life, my work commitments, childcare etc. because he has moved some distance away with the latest girlfriend so can't manage the care he used to provide. There was no discussion, no negotiation, no 'I recognise this might prove a problem for you but would it be OK if we swapped the week day evening because...?'. Just a curt e-mail giving me 6 days notice that he would now be having the children on a Thursday rather than a Wednesday. When I protested that it meant I was unable to fulfill a work commitment I was told 'tough, you can fucking get childcare then,can't you?'. There is no choice in that whatsoever.

mumandboys of course it's a choice - you are just as capable of walking out on your DCs as your ex is. You chose not to - because the consequences (for your DCs) are unacceptable to you.
But no parent has to fulfil their legal obligation to care for their DCs - there are consequences for the DCs and the parents if they don't but that is still a choice that that PWC makes.

'mumandboys of course it's a choice - you are just as capable of walking out on your DCs as your ex is.'

Alice that isn't a fair comparison though. Mumandboys ex was able to walk out because he knew she was there to pick up the slack. If a PWC walks on on their children there is no one left behind to take care of them. So it isn't an equal or comparable choice. And I have heard some defences for flaky and useless NRPs in my time, but the suggestion that a PWC shouldn't complain about them because she also has the option of abandonment is really scraping the barrel.

I disagree with that Alice. I think there is a choice made to become a parent, no matter how that pregnancy occurred, and how you choose to parent when that child arrives. But there is no active choice to be PWC if the other parent simply abdicates their responsibility towards their DC. Because one parent makes an active choice doesn't equate to the other making an equally active choice. Same for NRP who do not want to be NRP but the other parent makes an active choice to end a relationship/push NRP away etc. Its not an equal '1 makes a choice, other makes own, equal, choice' situation in many cases at all.

I'm not defending flaky NRP - I'm pointing out that PWC frequently paint themselves as victims of circumstance when in reality they have all the same options open to them as NRP do.
The fact that some PWC feel a moral/social obligation to care for their DCs does not make them victims - it is something they could choose to view as a positive character trait in themselves rather than allowing the choices made by their DCs other parent to taint their view of the world. That's not excusing the crap parent, but rather encouraging PWC to accept the situation and live with it rather than continually bemoaning how unfair it is.

But there is no active choice to be PWC if the other parent simply abdicates their responsibility towards their DC

Of course there is! Noone forces either parent to be the PWC - as I know from my own experiences, there are plenty of DCs living in situations where neither parent is prepared to provide for the DCs and that responsibility is taken by others.

Socially/morally reprehensible it may be to some - but it's still a choice those parents have made.

Jesus wept. It's any excuse, isn't it? I'm a stepmother and I have every right to a life of my own with a new husband and his children can just fuck off when I say so..and if the PWC doesn't like that then she should simply refuse to care for her children 'cos that's her choice. Jesus fucking wept.

Alice, the NRP can chose to abdicate their responsibility knowing that the other parent is there to pick up the slack. If the PWC then abdicates their responsibility the children may end up in care. There is no comparable choice.