Can't cope much longer

[Sleepyk]

I have been with my husband for 6 years and met my sd's (16 and 10 now) 5 years ago they come every Wednesday after school and every other weekend Friday to Sunday night.

My problem is my husband now has to work Saturday and Sunday mornings and doesn't get home until 2/3 o'clock leaving me with all the children ( I have a 16 year old boy and we have a 3 year old girl too). I feel increasingly like an unpaid baby sitter and in my heart think they should be with their mum OR their dad not with me looking after them IF I can't treat them as I would my own children.

I have tried to be a nice as I can but it's not really helping ... The older sd barely speaks at all ( head in phone or fast asleep / out with her mates) and the younger is becoming more difficult as the days go on. Their mum won't speak to me so I can only imagine what she says to the girls when they are at home. Dad spoils them and treads on egg shells trying not to upset them otherwise they won't want to come anymore.

The result is I am left with two children (as well as my own)who I can't " parent" - the little one is becoming more challenging and if I tell her not to do something she just sulks or cries till daddy gets home and the big one just stays in her bed all day unless shopping. The older one blows hot and freezing -but is a different girl when I'm not in the room as I often hear her and her dad laughing away but I don't see that side of her which is really sad. I don't want them to hate me or look back on their childhood and remember me as a miserable ole *** but that is what is going to happen

I want to say that they should stay at home with their mum during the day until daddy gets home as they are clearly happier there but I don't know if I am way off or how to address it.

Ps if anyone wants to say " you knew what you letting yourself in for " PLEASE don't waste your time.

Thankfully my DD is now old enough to walk on her own to school too, so the issue no longer arrises. If my ex has to leave early now, the DC set their alarm clocks, get themselves up, each breakfast and off to school on their own. DSM is in the house, but if her toddler is having a lie in, so will she. I have DSC myself, and it is hard to see her be so uninvolved with their lives, when I wouldn't think twice about doing odd things like that for my DSC. It's a bit hard on my DC too.

I do kind of think that if you, as a couple, decide that the mum will be a stay at home parent, and the dad will earn all the money, then it's a bit tough for the stay-at-home mum to refuse to have anythign to do with her DSC, because they're not hers, when the reason their dad can't care for them more is because he's out earning all the money to support her and her DC.

That may be what you feel about your situation Petal but it doesn't work for me. I have a job and my own business. I don't get maintenance and xh refused to support dsd in any way. So just me supporting us.

If he is meant to be having dd and can't because he chooses to work, do you really think its fair that I have to lose income because its me that has to drop some hours? Do you really think its fair that it's always me who arranges leave around school holidays, drops my income during that time while he just says "I can't, I work". And then keeps the whole of his income for himself?

It's his time with her so I consider it his choice, his responsibility, his cost. Not mine.

Do you really think its fair that it's always me who arranges leave around school holidays, drops my income during that time while he just says "I can't, I work".

Noone said its fair - but knowing what your ex is like, you have two choices; either take responsibility for your DC yourself, or delegate (by default) that responsibility to someone who neither volunteered or is willing.

Is it any wonder there is tension between stepmums and DCs mothers if the attitude is to prioritise her work/social life over her DCs care and well being ?

So applying Tuckshop's thinking: if DH is working on a contact Saturday ( not through choice, but through necessity), it's best for the child to go to a childminders, rather than stay at home with Mum?

But surely Tuckshop's point is that Mum is working too on that contact Saturday? So its Dad's responsibility to sort childcare.

If both parents are working on a Saturday, then yes, I agree with you Riverboat. But there seen to be posters who think that even if mum's at home on a Saturday, dad should send the child to a minder so that he can work?

riverboat but at what point does Mum step in if the childcare arranged by Dad unsuitable?

When the NRP leaves the DCs in the care of a stepmum who resents it, that has just as damaging an impact on the DC as substandard professional care, or an irresponsible teen babysitter.

Just because the DC is in the NRP care doesn't absolve the PWC of responsibility for their DCs well being - it took me years to work that one out in the case of my own DD and not only are she and I happier, but her Dad and I can now co-parent successfully as we both (silently) accept the others parenting limitations.

Alice, Tuckshop is putting her children first by prioritising her work, she is the only one who provides for them!

Is the time your DH agreed to spend with his DS his responsibility or his ex's petal? If he isn't physically able to provide that care, then it's his responsibility to sort out an alternative IMO. The fact that your DH's ex didn't work and could provide that childcare if she was inclined to do so, is irrelevant. That involves a presumption on someone else's plans/time for their own convenience on your DH's part along with a reluctance to take personal responsibility for his child.

The question of whether it's reasonable for an NRP to put their DC in childcare on contact w/e's is complicated by the social awkwardness (IMO) over the fact their is a capable adult in the home the DC would expect to be in, again with a presumption that they are OK with providing that childcare, and the judgement that would fall on the SP (from both the NRP and PWC in some cases, as well as wider family - wrong IMO but it's a recurring theme on this board) if alternative childcare was insisted on i.e. send them to childminder etc. Personally, I see no reason why arranging actual childcare as opposed to imposing on a reluctant spouse/partner (who in many cases posting on here, aren't actually afforded the necessary tools to deal with the DSCs i.e. discipline/boundaries) is seen as such an impossible thing to do.

The whole issue over agreeing to work a w/e when there is no associated cost for the childcare that will then be needed means that the financial incentive is greater to just go with that work option than having to weigh up whether it's financially worthwhile when factoring in childcare to the overall benefit - makes a difference to the decision when you are earning £40 after paying childcare as opposed to £100 if you impose on your spouse, or tell your ex you are working so they'll have to cancel their plans to pick up that slack. It also places a different value onto the time you spend with your own child - I could earn gross £500 extra per month if I put my DD in full time childcare but we'd see little of each other and the net benefit after factoring in childcare costs/travel costs would be about £50 per month. On paper I'd be quids in, in reality, the cost to me in lost time with my DD isn't worth £50.

Ultimately, it should be a simple case of being able to talk it through with an ex, discuss each other's plans/commitments, respect the fact that others can't always step in to help out when you are faced with a childcare problem (on both sides of the debate) and also accept that you have responsibility for your own child, when you have committed to providing their care so you would have to turn down work, earn less because of that commitment on occasion. But it rarely works that way when there are 'issues' between 2 people who can no longer communicate. And when you can't talk to an ex in this way, the simplest thing would be to just accept your own responsibility and not try and dump it on others. SP board would be a lot quieter though!

Alice, Tuckshop is putting her children first by prioritising her work, she is the only one who provides for them!

So if PWC knows that the NRP is regularly putting the DCs in the care of an illegal childminder, next doors pot-smoking teen or leaving young kids home alone, that is ok, because she's working to provide for them?

Really?!?

What thread are you reading?? PWC on this thread simply want the other parent to take care of their children during the agreed contact time. If either parent leaves the DC in unsafe situations then the other parent has a duty to act but that is not what is being discussed here. Unless you are saying that in addition to the PWC not imposing on the NRP because she has the option to abandon her children, she now also shouldn't rely on the NRP in case he leaves the DC with druggies??

Sorry but I work long hours. DH also works long hours. The ex doesn't work. Hence my comments about running around like blue rse flies while the ex plays kitty bingo.com .... Other than a sense of entitlement to 'time to herself' (of which she gets quite a lot) why on earth can't she* step up a bit more?????

Apologies for strange font, am on iPhone.

I think people are talking at cross purposes. Everyone is coloured by their indivudal experience, and there are some extremes here! e.g. a mum who runs her own full time business and who's ex drops his contact / childcare responsibilities left right and centre because HE has to work, not caring that the mum does too. And a stepmum who is landed with a DSC because her DP is working, even though the mum herself doesn't work at all!

I think it's impossible to set objective 'rules' for how it should be, because there are so many variables in how step/blended families function.

Petal I'm not making any comment on your work/time, but your DH's. If he agreed to set time with his DS, why is it someone else's responsibility (in your view) to deal with the childcare that he would need for his DS? I couldn't care less if his ex was playing kitty bingo, or an on call neurosurgeon. Why, if your DH agreed to set contact time, is it not his responsibility to sort out childcare?

Yes, good point Riverboat.

basgetti No, what I'm saying is that some PWC turns a blind eye when a reluctant stepmum is used by the NRP as free childcare - no matter how unwilling they know that SM to be.

Why does that PWC not consider the resentment that results to be damaging to their DCs and take steps to prevent it happening?

Tuckshop - DSS has two parents. One works, one doesn't. It's not rocket science to see who should do the majority of the child care. If DH didn't work such long hours, the ex may have had to seek work herself. I doubt that would have gone down well.

Why does that NRP not consider the resentment that results to be damaging to their DCs and take steps to prevent it happening? It is after all his contact time which he has delegated to his reluctant partner. Why is the PWC responsible for what happens in someone else's home?

basgetti Because the NRP is a deadbeat Dad and crap DH who fails his DCs and his DW.

Therefore, the PWC has a choice. Accept the DCs dads limitations and minimise the damage done to the DCs, or continue to place that responsibility

basgetti Because the NRP is a deadbeat Dad and crap DH who fails his DCs and his DW.

Therefore, the PWC has a choice. Accept the DCs dads limitations and minimise the damage done to the DCs, or continue to place equal responsibility on the NRP even though they have no realistic expectation of it being achieved.