Can't cope much longer

[Sleepyk]

I have been with my husband for 6 years and met my sd's (16 and 10 now) 5 years ago they come every Wednesday after school and every other weekend Friday to Sunday night.

My problem is my husband now has to work Saturday and Sunday mornings and doesn't get home until 2/3 o'clock leaving me with all the children ( I have a 16 year old boy and we have a 3 year old girl too). I feel increasingly like an unpaid baby sitter and in my heart think they should be with their mum OR their dad not with me looking after them IF I can't treat them as I would my own children.

I have tried to be a nice as I can but it's not really helping ... The older sd barely speaks at all ( head in phone or fast asleep / out with her mates) and the younger is becoming more difficult as the days go on. Their mum won't speak to me so I can only imagine what she says to the girls when they are at home. Dad spoils them and treads on egg shells trying not to upset them otherwise they won't want to come anymore.

The result is I am left with two children (as well as my own)who I can't " parent" - the little one is becoming more challenging and if I tell her not to do something she just sulks or cries till daddy gets home and the big one just stays in her bed all day unless shopping. The older one blows hot and freezing -but is a different girl when I'm not in the room as I often hear her and her dad laughing away but I don't see that side of her which is really sad. I don't want them to hate me or look back on their childhood and remember me as a miserable ole *** but that is what is going to happen

I want to say that they should stay at home with their mum during the day until daddy gets home as they are clearly happier there but I don't know if I am way off or how to address it.

Ps if anyone wants to say " you knew what you letting yourself in for " PLEASE don't waste your time.

basgetti How does the NRP know that the mother of his DCs will take sole responsibility for them?

Do you really think that is a consideration?

Or do these men who waltz out on their families for a younger model not give a damn about their DCs and don't really care where they end up?

No Alice I strongly disagree. You make a choice to be a parent and then how to parent. You don't then make a choice to continue to parent, alone, if someone else decides they no longer want to parent. Does that choice apply to widows/widowers too? Do they really have the choice to either continue to be the only parent, or abandon their DC? It's not an active choice at all. You react to the situation created by or caused by someone else's choice or decision, or the circumstances you find yourself in. Some make the best of it, some react badly to that situation. You aren't actively choosing to be PWC or NRP in the situation where someone else has made a choice that affects you, that changes your domestic situation and affects your whole life. To suggest that you have a choice to either take up the mantle of being PWC or abandon your DC to social services, is incredibly misguided IMO. Thats no choice at all. Like basgetti says, it's a massively different decision/choice to walk away from your DC knowing they have a loving parent to deal with the fallout, than to walking away from your DC not having a clue what will become of them. Again, is this a choice where the other parent has died? It's absurd IMO to suggest that's any kind of choice for a parent, no matter what their circumstances.

But I'm sure your well aware of that. So I can't quite figure out what point it is you are trying to make - lone parents are whining victims? That they don't want to take responsibility for 'actively' choosing to become LPs when the other parent has walked away? Or died? To realise that you are 'choosing' lone parenthood suddenly makes your situation more tolerable? I chose to be a parent, I stand by that choice no matter what my DD's dad chooses to do or not do. I never 'chose' lone parenthood. I never actively chose to take all responsibility over our DD but I do it because I don't have a choice due to her dad having abdicated his responsibility almost completely. I'm fairly happy with my lot, I don't have as difficult a relationship with my ex as many do, and despite him not being the parent I know he could be if he could be arsed, the crumbs he throws in our DD's direction make her happy so, overall, apart from the dire financial straights I'm in, I've not much to 'whine' about. But I strongly disagree that the situation I'm in has anything to do with an active choice on my part to become the PWC and all responsibility for our DD. I never chose that. I had that choice made for me by my ex, with no consultation whatsoever.

Same applies for reluctant NRPs. They don't choose that life when their other half decides to end the relationship and live alone with the DC. How they react to the choice made by the other parent varies, but again, where is the choice if they can't save the relationship and can't/don't get the choice to be the PWC? It's absurd to suggest an active choice in a situation that is not of your choosing, when in the most part you simply react to it, and either make the best of it, or react badly. It's no choice at all.

Alice, I would imagine that the NRP knows that the PWC will take responsibility for the children, because what other choice does the PWC have when they end up such by default, due to someone else's decision. If you think it doesn't have to be the default position then you only have to look at this thread for evidence to the contrary. Posters have told the OP to ring the PWC and get her to come and look after her children because the NRP isn't taking responsibility during his contact time and another poster has stated that PWC who want child free time are basically selfish and entitled.

The PWC doesn't even seem able to abdicate their responsibility 2 days a fortnight when the DCs are with their other parent so I'm not sure how you can consider it an option for them to abdicate it permanently.

It's absurd to suggest an active choice in a situation that is not of your choosing, when in the most part you simply react to it, and either make the best of it, or react badly. It's no choice at all.

The way someone reacts to a situation is the choice. The choice to feel/behave like a victim who expects certain behaviour from others, or the choice to accept that the situation you find yourself in is a consequence of events you yourself played a part in and that you can't change other people, no matter how awful you think their behaviour is.

I think that it is incredibly damaging for DCs to be raised by a parent who feels/behaves like a victim of circumstance - it creates an environment which discourages personal responsibility. The energy that some PWC put into blaming and shaming their ex would be better expended supporting their DCs, and minimising the damage the NRP behaviour has the potential to cause.

ah yes, because my ex's relationship with his children is MY responsibility?

Many PWC already do spend time trying to support and protect their children from unreliable NRPs, it doesn't mean that they can't also feel aggrieved at the situation. The two things aren't mutually exclusive. How about the NRP doesn't let the children down in the first place? I suppose that isn't a viable option to be discussed on these boards because that would mean actually taking all the blame for everything away from the PWC for once.

Wow. So reacting to being shafted by someone who abdicates responsibility creates an environment which discourages personal responsibility? I think I've read it all now!

How about the NRP doesn't let the children down in the first place?

The majority don't. I'm commenting on the choices available to PWC when the NRP does fail to take equal responsibility for DCs.

The are plenty of PWC who don't want an equal parenting relationship with the DCs other parent, too.

And that's what this comes down to for you Alice - any 'whining' a PWC makes is of their own doing, it's their own choice, because rather than choose to co-parent or share responsibility with the other parent, they want to go it alone, and its their choice to endure all the difficulty that comes with that lone responsibility because they just don't want it any other way. Ignoring of course the weaker position that PWC is in to actually enforce any of that co-parenting responsibility on an NRP who has walked away, either fully or to the point they self limit their availability for their DC. It's all about choice isn't it?

tension Of course it does. If a DC is raised in an environment where adults react to external events as a victim - blaming others (be that the Government, landlord, neighbour or ex spouse) then that child is going to grow up with the same attitude; misfortune will be something that happens to them. A child who observes and is involved in their parents problem solving and acceptance of situations they can do nothing about are more likely to mirror that behaviour as an adult.

Alice do you honesty believe that the vast majority of PWC are screaming banshees unloading all of their frustrations and worries onto their DC, screaming at their ex in earshot of the DC, while making out they are so hard done by? I get that is your experience of your DH's ex, but its an incredible leap to make that any PWC who unloads on here or elsewhere about the difficulties they are facing, are doing so in the same manor that you have seen or experienced with your DSC's mum. Like basgetti says, you can be frustrated and angry about the difficulties you might face on either side of this debate without it spilling over into DC lives. How many times has it been said on this board that a SP is having difficulty in accepting DSC, yet the poster is at pains to highlight how unaware the DSC are of their true feelings?

This thread was started by a SP who wasn't happy with the situation of being used as an unpaid babysitter by her DH/his ex. I have every sympathy with that position and I'd not tolerate it myself. We've then moved onto trying to determine who is responsible for the DSC here, and the upshot is, the PWC ultimately because its their choice to be in that position but of course, they cannot complain if the NRP in this case decides that, rather than step up and change their work pattern to allow him to actually parent his DC, he decides he will just pass that responsibility back onto the PWC because he's got to work to pay the maintenance as that's what the PWC wants. God help her if she posts on MN complaining about that eh?

But not every NRP is in a position to "step up and change his work pattern so that he can parent his child". Imagine the paramedic, tescos worker, anaesthetist, bus driver etc who can no longer work weekend shifts because, in a nutshell, his ex wife's told him he's got to have the children. Does the ex wife want her maintenance payments or not?

Granted, not all PWC's are unreasonable, but we hear about a good few who want their cake and eat it. DH's ex was very pleased to accept the extras we purchased for DSS, using DH's lucrative weekend call-out work, but would happily berate DH (in front of DSS) if it meant the two of them not spending much time together.

Likewise not all PWC can easily accommodate taking up the slack of an NRP whose spouse is no longer willing to be the unpaid babysitter for the DSC. Or do you imagine that all those shift workers couldn't possibly be in the position of being a PWC working around the contact the NRP agreed to in the 1st place?

But surely it's about being sensible, and not being one of the spiteful PWCs who insist their ex has the children when it's going to practically impossible to work the arrangement? This is why these 'set in stone' arrangements are questionable, with flexibility being far better.

So the PWC can risk their own job to accommodate the NRP and avoid being seen as 'spiteful' to all and sundry, because its not a risk the NRP should have to deal with? Is it spiteful of the NRP to refuse to adjust their life in the same way a PWC would? Because that's what this is coming down to - an NRP shouldn't have to adjust his work pattern to accommodate his time with his DC, but a PWC should.

No, I'm suggesting some sensible arrangements that work for both parents.

tension I've actually been referring to my own feelings as a Mum in my posts; how I've seen DD's attitude change along with my own.

I was one of life's victims - I blamed my employer, my parents, the system and eventually my exH for everything; for being in debt, for being overweight, for not enjoying my job - I expected other people to behave in a reasonable way and then my life would be better. I believed I was a good Mum, that DD didn't realise when I was cross/frustrated, and that I was setting a good example.

It's only now I've leart to take responsibility for my own life and accept that I can't expect anything from others but that I can control my responses to other people actions that I can see how much my previous victim-status was having on my own DD.

Im all for having a wallow in self pity now and again, but when that extends into expectations of others in order to lighten my your own burden then it's time to reassess, IMO.

not all PWC can easily accommodate taking up the slack of an NRP whose spouse is no longer willing to be the unpaid babysitter for the DSC.

Tough. Sorry, but if you as a PWC have knowingly relied on your ex's spouse in order to facilitate your work pattern then you shouldn't be surprised when it falls apart.

If your DCs NRP is flaky, reluctant or just plain unreliable it doesn't make any sense to rely on them for essential childcare!

I guess that's where we differ then Alice, cos as much as I've been angry and frustrated, and pissed off with the world around me, I've gone to enormous lengths to shield my DD from that. To my detriment at times but no matter how shitty life has been for me at various times, my DD is oblivious. Genuinely. Maybe that's why I don't see 'whining' or 'victim hood' in what people post here. I think anyone who has a genuine gripe needs to be able to unburden that frustration and they should be able to do that without being accused of damaging anyone's DC because you feel you might have with your DD, or your DSC have been because of their DM. Do you genuinely feel you had no right to rage at the world? That you damaged your DD in some way because of all the shit you've had to deal with from your ex? There is taking personal responsibility and then there is taking that beyond the limits of what is reasonable.

Alice, if the NRP has dumped his responsibility onto their OH, and the OH decides they've had enough, why do you genuinely think that then shifts to the PWC? At what point does an NRP have responsibility for their own DC, with all the juggling and difficulty that comes with working/parenting? I absolutely agree that it's not the SP's responsibility but that then doesn't automatically become the PWC's responsibility. That's what I can't get my head around - all this hand wringing and arguing is over one half of 2 parents refusing to actually be responsible, making it everyone else's problem.

It makes it both parents problem. And either (or both) can choose to step up or opt out.
Yes, it's unfair when one parent leaves the other in the lurch - but I've no sympathy for a PWC who knows their ex has form for this and yet years later is still stamping their foot and expecting their ex to change.

Get over it, live with the reality that your DCs dad creates and enjoy the life you have not desire something you can't.

If you're the PWC, then as the name suggests, you are the main carer, you must have elected to have this role at some point after the split, otherwise your ex would be the PWC.

The PWC does the majority of parenting, and you'd hope that they would arrange for the child to visit the NRP at a time when the NRP is around, rather than when they're not.

You wouldn't send the child to the childminders when the childminder is on holiday, any more than you wouldn't send the child to school on a Sunday morning. As a PWC you do, whether you like it or not, have more responsibility for the child than the NRP. So quite why you insist sending the child to a parent who's out at work, is beyond me. I can't think of any positive reasons behind such actions.

I think your energies are misfocused. He was never in a position to take the weekend work. Honestly, imagine if their mother decided she wasn't around on Saturday and Sunday during her weekends! It's done now and you have to backtrack which is always harder than being clear upfront. Men have a gift for this sort of thing. Somehow they always someone to look after their children.

But for a lot of people weekend working is a necessity/mandatory, not a choice. I can just imagine a PWC squealing if the NRP jacked in their job (no income equals no maintenance) to accommodate weekend access.

Again, the assumptions as PWC that this is the life you chose so 'suck it up and stop complaining'!

I no more chose to be the PWC than you chose to have your DSS in your home when your DH wasn't there petal. The assumption that with the role placed on me by my ex, that I should simply accept my life revolves around his whims and demands, irrespective of what demands I might have in my life. I'm in no position to impose anything on my ex, should I decide I've had enough of doing this alone. Where can I get my court order imposing my schedule on my ex, and force him to live around that? I can't. I'm not 'more responsible' than my ex just because I'm the PWC. It's just convenient to think that when it comes to labelling my ex's behaviour/determination to avoid responsibility.