Sd's here when their dad is not... I can't deal with it

[Sleepyk]

My husband has agreed (not for the first time) that his eldest daughter (15) can come
and stay while their mum is on holiday... Problem is I don't want her here. It's a terrible thing to say but we have a very distant relationship whereby I ask her how she is ...she answers, I ask her how School is ...she answers, but if I don't speak she doesn't say a wordk. . I always feel so awkward Around her when we are alone. She will happily sleep till 2 in the afternoon(in my daughters bedroom) and spends the rest of the time glued to her phone (I would not allow my children to do either). It's all so strained.

My problem is my husband will be at work all day so it's me and my sd..... I just don't know how to approach the subject with my husband with making it sound as if I am some wicked step mum! Am I being childish ?

Signs of a normal teen: monotone check
Sleeps till late check
Glued to phone check
Yep sounds normal to me and not at all like she is personally being rude. Do you have much experience of teens?

Voting with her feet and boycotting the home because her WSM dared to ask her to come down for dinner?

Ah, that one is only open to those teens who have two homes and a RP who doesn't value the NRP relationship, isn't it?

Normal isn't applicable to blended/step situations - the dynamics of each is so different that its impossible to apply 'normal' standards.

What would have happened if her dad hadn't taken her home?

Voting with her feet and boycotting the home because her WSM dared to ask her to come down for dinner? Ah, that one is only open to those teens who have two homes and RP who doesn?t value the NRP relationship, isn?t it?

Too right. It?s basically a teenager saying to their father ?I won?t visit you any more if you discipline me, or put your foot down, or expect me to modify my behaviour? and of course your average NRP is desperate for the child to continue visiting, so backs down and stops parenting.

A child in a ?together? family doesn?t have the ?luxury? of swapping homes if something displeases them.

What would have happened if her dad hadn't taken her home?

The consensus on this thread is that NRP households should lighten up on discipline and allow teen DCs more freedom to express themselves.
Your comment seems to be endorsing forced confinement - locking a DC in and refusing them access to a phone!?!
You can't stop a 15 yr old leaving the house - and most are self sufficient enough to make their way between homes at that age.

My DSD called her mother, using the mobile phone provided for that purpose, who was only too happy to collect DSD at the mere suggestion that she wasn't happy at Dads. Of course, if it wasn't convenient for Mum, then DSD was told to 'make the best of it'.
After having her mobile phone confiscated for deliberately defacing furniture in our home, DSD then refused to see her Dad at all.

Needaholiday - thank you for posting your very interesting last post. I suspect a lot of adult step children look back at their behaviour in the same way. As a teen, I was arrogant and moody but as I didn't live in a step family, the effect was minimal on the family around me. It's very insightful to read your comments on your upbringing as a stepchild.

do you think you behaved like that because you knew you could get away with it? I get the impression that that is what is happening in my household....and again I only feel the way I do because I cant deal with the situation NOT because of her behaviour per se.

Has it always been like this with her?What does your dp think about how you feel?

No... She was ok at first ... Only been the last 3 years where things have become difficult. Once she hit her teens it became a different ball game! My dh is a man overcome with guilt for leaving his children all those years ago (he comes from a broken home) so any reference of my being less than happy usually results in his getting very defensive... So then I'm on my own again. He does pull her up on things sometimes but never in front of me. A lot of the problem though is when he ISNTaround that's when then atmosphere is at its worst and she stops talking/ goes to sleep. It's such an emotive subject for my dh but also for me but for the opposite reason. Although i try very hard to steele myself and put on my sunny face I now dread her coming over which is awful.

I guess you've already tried doing something with her, just the two of you? I always found that if things got quite fraught with dsd I would take her out to see a film dd was too young for, or go shopping and that would bring some balance back to our relationship.

Have you or your dp just sat and chatted to her about it to see why she is so off with you? Sorry, I know she's been coming to stay since she was 10 and you've probably tried all this. It's just that sometimes it's good to call a truce and start again, especially if you and she were once close. I bet she is as unhappy about things as you are.

needaholidaynow .... Thank you for your input. I know it will get better and I suppose I just needed to see if I was going mad and was in fact a horrible to person! A lot of posts have been very negative but then I guess their household is not the same and they have balance. It's interesting to have your point of view because it clearly demonstrates that at 15 most sc's are probably fully aware of what it happening around them..... And if they choose to play on it then they will- human nature I guess. Thanks again!