Sd's here when their dad is not... I can't deal with it

[Sleepyk]

My husband has agreed (not for the first time) that his eldest daughter (15) can come
and stay while their mum is on holiday... Problem is I don't want her here. It's a terrible thing to say but we have a very distant relationship whereby I ask her how she is ...she answers, I ask her how School is ...she answers, but if I don't speak she doesn't say a wordk. . I always feel so awkward Around her when we are alone. She will happily sleep till 2 in the afternoon(in my daughters bedroom) and spends the rest of the time glued to her phone (I would not allow my children to do either). It's all so strained.

My problem is my husband will be at work all day so it's me and my sd..... I just don't know how to approach the subject with my husband with making it sound as if I am some wicked step mum! Am I being childish ?

It's a shame she can't have her own room. As she is old enough to be left, can't you do what you would do normally? Lots of 15-year-olds have very active social lives and are just in for meals. I don't quite know what you want her to do. Obviously, it's her father's job to take care of things, but it sounds as if he's opted out.

She is not a lodger, she is your dp's daughter. Surely she should feel at home with you as much as when she is with her mother. She sounds like a typical 15 year old. I am working at home today whilst my 15 and 16 year old DDs are lounging around downstairs supposedly revising. I have given them a few jobs they must do - otherwise they don't get a lift to the cinema later. They don't speak a lot! DD2 has only got up at 11am (it was later yesterday). They certainly don't need looking after (apart from lifts) and don't need babysitting.

Sorry forgot to say that dp should have words with SD and make it clear that it is your house and your rules though.

My DP has a DD aged 16. her and i have had a tricky relationship but we've worked really hard at making it better (after a couple of weeks of detachment to gather my sanity back.) it really helped me to look at things from her POV. As a result, by me responding positively to her and asking her opinion, welcoming/including her in many things that we do, we now have a really good relationship.

She still won't help around the house but that's her Dad's fault. I see myself as Dad's GF only in her eyes. I don't enforce any kind of rules and she is welcome in her home if he is here or not.

But I also can't help feeling a bit for the girl. If it was her posting it would probably look like this.

'My mum is going away to a caravan with my sister but I don't want to go as it's booooring!! I will be staying at my Dad's but its awkward as his wife seems to be uncomfortable that I'm around.

I stay out of the way as much as I can but don't have my own room. I find it difficult to talk to my SM as I get vibes she would rather I wasn't around. I feel like the only person that doesn't belong there as everyone else has their own space. Even my SB who isn't my Dad's kid!! It's not my fault I was born to a different mother. He's still my Dad!!'

I do statements like this in my head every time I'm irritated by our little bundle of hormones and it really helps a lot!!

Hi....I know what you are all saying and, if she had a room of her own, it would not be so in my face but she sleeps in with our 2 year old, which is downstairs. It means that my daughter cant go in her room until my sd gets up...

In that respect though, as I said, I am a fairly strict parent and I really struggle with the fact that my children have to live by one set of rules and my step children live by another. My son is not allowed to sleep past 11 and he is not allowed to just sit around all day on the sofa doing nothing.

...In reality I just feel totally powerless as, because she is not mine I feel like I cant say anything. Its as if all these things just get organised around me between SD My hubby and his ex, without any consultation and without any thought that it might be more than a little awkward for me (and her...possibly). I do feel like a babysitter although I dont have to actually DO anything with her as she is more than happy to be left alone.

What would your DP say if you asked him to tell her she must be up by 11am so that your 2yo can have access to the bedroom? I think that's a reasonable request to make of her. But it should come from her dad not you.

What does your H say when you challenge him about making arrangements that affect you but without having the courtesy to include you in the discussions ?

It does sound grim. But it's only for a week. I think you will just have to struggle through as best you can. I don't think you should make any great effort to get her involved if she is distant.

I went through this with my DSD around that age. Communication was short and all she wanted to do was sleep, be on her phone or watch shit on the TV. I let her as it just wasn't worth my angst for the week. No, it may not be what you let your children do, but take a deep breath and don't make it your problem.

She's probably as thrilled at sharing a room with a 2yo as your 2yo is. Why can't you go into the room to get toys / stuff out? Its perfectly reasonable to do that, even if she's asleep. In my experience sod all will take a teen anyway.

Yes, I'd be hacked off about things being arranged without my knowledge, but that's a conversation with your OH.

At 15 she's old enough to look after herself, so carry on as normal with your own DCs, offer her the chance to join in, but carry on doing what you planned if she's not interested.

Hellsbells99, there is a difference between a teen 'not talking much' and being deliberately rude. If the op feels this is happening, chances are she is right. How would she feel 'at home' with the op in a negetive atmosphere which she herself has created by refusing civil communication?

She isn't "rude" but she only speaks to me if ask her a question.... And obviously talks much more when her dad is there. I don't mind that but obviously when he is not there - I get nothing! Awkward! Because my own teen is sooooo diferent i dont have a clue what to do/say to her. i know its "normal" teen behaviour to sleep and facebook all day bit i just hate that sort of teen bahavioir.... It's not compulsory is it??

Thanks for all the advice.... I need to try and speak to my h (who always takes these things very personally when it comes to his children). Christ I hate being a step mum.... There is no "upside" to this job is there!

YY to the taking things very personally. DH was an absolute bugger for that and it hacked me off no end.

I know your teen is nowt like her, but you could have two teens of your own and they would be completely different. DH's ex has one absolute angel and one grunting devil.

Easier said than done, but detach and just focus on what you can do. You can't change her. You can't force your DH to change her. You can ask him to at least involve you when it comes to when she's coming to stay. The rest - not worth the hassle, honestly.

What would you say if your partner didn't want your teenage son there when you were out?

Would it be ok for him to hate being a step dad and want your son to be elsewhere?

It depends if they got on....The difference is simple .... My son and my husband live with each other, they know each other very well, my husband CAN tell my son what to do and tell him off when it's needed and, most of all, my son treats him like a dad. I don't have that relationship with my sd.

Hi OP. I could have written your post. In fact, I'm still thinking of showing dh this thread to illustrate my concerns.
Dsd is 16, distant, very rude to me at times in a direct way, and is never pulled up on it. If I complain to dh after I'm told he didn't notice or he's sorry I feel this way!?!
She can be rude and selfish in a more indirect way in that she hogs the sofa and tv all day if let, volume up loud on trash programmes and we have a small house. There is no escape. It's easier said then done to get her to be more sociable. As she's very arrogant you first have to survive the look of utter contempt hurled in your direction if you're an adult, or more physical displays of alpha behaviour like scratching or hitting if you're a kid, I.e. my kid! Ds, 15.
Unless ds and his mates are looking to play x box I don't interfere, and then I will only say ok, you can finish the programme but then its their turn. The boys don't dare displease her and unfortunately her generously displayed cleavage is another way of controlling them!
Luckily dss is easy to get on with, we talk a lot which also means I can tell him off for bad behaviour. But dh is now also willing to do this as dss lives 50:50 with us and so less Disney parenting there.
Like you OP, my ds lives with us, talks to dh a lot, they get on just as well and dss and I.
My theory is that the distant behaviour shown by dsd is a way of keeping me out of her life, a barrier to protect against any form of discipline and used to throw her weight around. She has her own room btw with TV and DVD player, laptop etc., nearly twice the size of what the boys have, but prefers to lounge on sofa texting... Looks to me like marking territory.
Perhaps your dsd is doing same in the room she shares with your dd?
Dsd will be spending 3 weeks with us in July. Am already making plans to busy myself...

I don't think the OP's sd sounds like yours, isthisoptional. I don't think the OP's sd has done anything wrong.

Look, you're on holiday, your day to day life is stressful, you need a break but know you won't get one on holiday in a tiny caravan with your mum with all her choices of activities. You need some actual proper downtime, time to sleep, time to read, time to catch up with nurturing friendships, time not to have to make polite conversation with people who aren't on your wavelength. You just want to chill at home. If your 15, your dad's home should be your home and a place to do this. And if your dad is in a relationship with someone who thinks you should be smiling and chatting and getting up a certain time (for unspecified reasons) and bustling about and doing a whole drama of being Friendly-and-Cheerful TM, then maybe you would stay out her way (she doesn't seem to like you much) as much as possible, by "sleeping". Or even, you know, life is tiring, actually sleeping.

Sorry OP this is not about you. sorry your sd doesn't have a job and a house of her own to sleep in but she is still a child and her parents need to provide that for her. And if she doesn't do what you think she should with her time off, not your business, not your problem

I still think that the OP is being taken for granted by her DP.

What if the OP wasn't on the scene? Would the DSD be left home alone all day every day while Dad's out at work for the week while her Mum is on holiday, or would Dad work short days, take time off etc so that his DD wasn't totally unsupervised?

The OP is being expected to arms-length supervise her DSD without being asked.

I leave my 15 year old at home alone.

Can't see a problem with it.

bangs head on wall

It doesn't seem to be about leaving a 15 year old on her own - if that's how she wants to be - to me. I used to leave my child alone sometimes when they were 15 but although there was obviously an element of trust involved - I also had the reassurance of knowing that if, for example, I came home to an unacceptable mess, or if I found they'd gone out leaving the front door unlocked, or if they'd eaten the entire fridge, then I could remonstrate with them as an adult with some authority. I may well have got whinges and moans and glares but I would have had the upper hand and I would have been able to impose sanctions for any breaches of trust as I saw fit. The OP is NOT in that position - it appears her DH allows different, more lenient rules for his child and therefore the SD takes no notice of the OP. Last time the OP tried to tick her off she stropped off for 2 months.

I would not want anyone - whoever they were - in my home and allowed to do exactly what they wanted if, I was effectively prevented from having any control over that - whether a child or an adult. Otherwise I might as well not be there .....

.... which comes back to the whole rules/boundaries/discipline thing. I agree that many teens are typically "moody" and unwilling to engage in conversation and that you can't force that. But bottom line is, a moody teen does alter the atmosphere in the house, the OP will still have to keep some sort of eye on her - even if she doesn't micro-manage her, the OP probably will get extra work to do and with all that in mind, it should never have been arranged or "agreed" until the OP had been consulted given that she - and not either of this child's actual parents - is the one person who's going to be affected most. It would have been dismissive and thoughtless enough - not to be asked - even if SD did play by the same house rules as the other children in the family, but the fact she doesn't adds insult to injury in my eyes.

I think her DH has behaved pretty badly TBH - both over this specific incident and also by letting his daughter play by different rules. Why the heck does she deserve less discipline ? Does he think his child is "better" than the OP's child in that respect ? And then he's probably wondering why his wife isn't rolling out the red carpet ... and getting huffy about her lack of enthusiasm for SD's impending arrival ....

I would not want anyone ? whoever they were - in my home and allowed to do exactly what they wanted if, I was effectively prevented from having any control over that ? whether a child or an adult. Otherwise I might as well not be there. And the bottom line is, a moody teen does alter the atmosphere in the house, and the OP will still have to keep some sort of eye on her.

Exactly. I totally get this because if DSS loafs round the house all day when his Dad?s not here, I don?t have any authority to kick him up the backside (like I would if he were my bio child) and also he appends himself to the sofa and remote control, so the lounge is effectively out of action, so I either have to take refuge in the kitchen or bedroom, which is just so wrong.

And even if he isn?t actually doing anything wrong, the lethargy that emanates from him creates a cloud that doesn?t exactly enhance the atmosphere in the house. So if I get left home alone with him all day, its not much fun.

So having SD hanging around the house for the week will definitely have a negative effect on the OP, and she should definitely have been consulted before the arrangements were made.

But Petal all that that you are saying about your dss - the lethargy that emanates from him, the cloud in the house - is basically saying you don't like him and you don't like spending time with him. Understood. but what about him? Where is he supposed to go? Are you saying, he can come here if he chats brightly like a member of the WI and bustles about looking for things to mend or polish while he is there? Because you just have stylistic differences. he would find that brightly chatty, bustling, useful, early rising member of society very annoying. Where is he supposed to go, to be him?

I feel really bloody sorry for all these teenaged step-children. when I was a teenager I was permanently knackered and stressed. I was not expected to get up at a particular time on Saturdays (I had commitments every other day) and would sometimes stay in bed all morning. I just wanted to read or talk on the phone or listen to music most of the time. And of course do my homework, which I would get to in my own time and did not expect (or get) any questions about. If one of my parents had got involved with a new partner who kept sanctimoniously fussing about in my space while I was trying to do this, apparently expecting me to get up at a certain time or do certain other things for no apparent reason or talk in a certain way, it would have made me a lot more stressed and a lot more grumpy. (and it is their space - they are children, so their houses are their parents' houses)

curry But not everyone parents their DCs like you!

I do expect my DD to be constructively occupied some of the time, I do question her about her homework, I do object to moodiness and a sullen attitude about the house.
That is my way of parenting and far from being my DDs space to do what she likes, our home is where my expectations apply.

When my DSC spend time here either I have the same expectations of them or their Dad ensures that their behaviour does not impact on me. I will not apply someone else's values in my own home - no matter who is staying.

If the OPs DSD doesn't like the OPs way of doing things - why doesn't she stay at her Mums for the week? She can do all the slouching, lounging, moping etc she wants to there!

Notadisneymum, you have no idea how I parent (mine are too little to be relevant in fact, so I am not talking about my parenting at all as I know I know nothing). I am talking about being a teenager and how I was treated and how I needed to be. I find it fascinating that although I said this clearly, you completely missed it - you are just so far from putting yourself into the other's person's view point, it doesn't even occur to you to do so, even when directly invited to.

I was very constructively occupied some of the time, I was in several orchestras and chamber groups, church work, and got As in all my A levels so must have done something towards them. I also helped with housework and obv sorted out my own clothes and cleaned my room and sheets etc. However nobody was on my case about it. No one asked me to do any of that stuff and no body checked up on it. and the days I woke up at 1 and just wanted to read a novel were just fine. You would have driven me mad and probably still would actually. I bet you have air fresheners and wash things that have been born once.

curry Ok, so not everyone parents the way you were parented I assumed (obviously wrongly) that you share the same parenting values as your own parents, given that you were holding them up as an example of what the OP should do for her DSD.

I wonder, how would your parents have parented you if you hadn't done the things you mention?

As for my laundry habits - DP does it all, so I have no idea, I'll ask him