Sd's here when their dad is not... I can't deal with it

[Sleepyk]

My husband has agreed (not for the first time) that his eldest daughter (15) can come
and stay while their mum is on holiday... Problem is I don't want her here. It's a terrible thing to say but we have a very distant relationship whereby I ask her how she is ...she answers, I ask her how School is ...she answers, but if I don't speak she doesn't say a wordk. . I always feel so awkward Around her when we are alone. She will happily sleep till 2 in the afternoon(in my daughters bedroom) and spends the rest of the time glued to her phone (I would not allow my children to do either). It's all so strained.

My problem is my husband will be at work all day so it's me and my sd..... I just don't know how to approach the subject with my husband with making it sound as if I am some wicked step mum! Am I being childish ?

The troublesome ones (it seems to me) are the ones who are off drinking, taking drugs, shoplifting, vandalising

Quite. And if the OPs DSD behaves like a troublesome teen while Mum is on holiday, Dad is at work but SM is at home - who is going to be held accountable? Oh yes, the OP, who had no say in whether she was prepared to accept that responsibility or not.

Tell them that they shouldn't be here. My existence is not essential to them no, but I imagine their dads is and they will always be made very welcome here because this is his home as well as mine and actually I did know he had three children when I married him.
Why is that difficult to understand?

NADM that's a pretty negative view isn't it? I mean, the OP has said that essentially she is a good kid just lazy and a bit of a pain. If my own child suddenly started taking drugs, being drunk,etc then I would call my DH & get to mim to get back pronto as we had a huge problem. I'd do the same for my step children, I'd probably also call their mother.

crumpled no one is saying that you should 'tell them that they shouldn't be here'.

It's about expectation and routine and no different to any other household 'rule'.

The various DCs in our family don't help themselves to food from the cupboards, don't sit on the kitchen countertops and don't have the option of spending time here when their parent isn't. It's quite simple and doesn't require rejecting anyone!

I have yet to see the op post about anything at all that she has done that is in any way not normal teenage behaviour - vaguely irritating, but normal.

Normal to you. Not necessarily 'normal' to the OP and certainly not the accepted norm by every parent on MN

Just because you think the OP should put up with it, doesn't mean you're right and she's wrong - it just means you have different tolerances.
Unfortunately, the OPs DP doesn't care about her tolerance and has agreed that his DD can stay with no consideration of its impact on the OP.

Ok, what's she doing that is so awful that (1) she shouldn't be allowed in the house and (2) if she is there she needs so much supervision?

Her parents have deemed the supervision necessary - the OP said that her DP won't let his DD stay home alone. Problem is, he's delegated it to the OP without even checking that's ok.

Oh I had read that as not allowed to stay at her mothers with no adult there all week. As in home totally alone, not just during working hours.

Do parents really spend the whole school holidays insisting their teenagers get up at a reasonable time? And if they do, what on earth do the kids do once they are up.

Mine contributes to the running of the household. DD gets the chance to lie in til 9 or so, then if she hasn't got/made plans of her own to meet friends etc, she spends some (not all) of her day helping me; popping to the shops, helping out in the family business, tackling whatever project I've earmarked for that school holiday (her Summer job is to put together a filing system for my trade magazines; I'm giving her a budget and she's going to come up with a solution to the heaps of magazines all over the house )

In return, I pay for her to go on 'optional' school trips and treat her and her friends to days out, goodie bags (I'm a caterer) etc.

DSD gets up and walks the dog two mornings a week, and we expect that to be done in the actual morning as the dog needs it. She's just started a summer job (she's done with school now) and so this week she's been up pretty early to go off to the training days for that. On other days, she gets up and goes out with friends, or reads, or does her art, or watches TV. If she hadn't gotten the job already, she'd be out handing out CVs! Before she got this job, she'd have had other little jobs to do occasionally, like mowing the lawn once in a while. Last summer, DH had an organizational project (sort of like you do, NADM) for her to work on, for which she earned extra pocket money. On weekends we might have brunch together, or take DD out to feed ducks or play in the park, or DH might take the older kids to the cinema. Life is very full.

My own parents would have made us get up and do something, anything. We worked, we went swimming, we cycled, we went to the library, we saw our friends, we had chores to do at home, we looked after the younger children, we played, we explored, we did all manner of things, and we didn't feel particularly hard done by, since hardly anyone I knew had parents who would have been happy for them to do nothing all day!

She's favoured and undisciplined in as much as apparently her dad won't "open up the rule book" for her as he is scared she'll no longer come over if she's expected to do anything she doesn't want to do - which could cover a multitude of stuff. So therefore, not disciplined. The OP also says her children have to live by one set of rules and the SD by a different set - so, favoured.

There's all this talk about what's acceptable for a teen and what's not but really I don't think that's the main point here. Everyone has different ideas about what's acceptable, some things would be okay with me that'd drive someone else mad and vice versa ..... the actual issue here is that the adults have not agreed how to jointly set rules and boundaries - whatever they are - for all the children, and then actually apply them consistently.

You therefore have this situation where the stepmum feels resentful and put upon - and also probably feels hurt for her children who do have to respect household rules.

The SD in question may not be vandalising bus shelters, mugging old ladies and smoking dope but she is treated more leniently by her dad in comparism to the other kids and that is unfair. The OP also says that when she tries to start a conversation with SD she gets one word responses - although she chats away normally with her dad. You'd think he might have a word with her about that too because if his wife is making an effort, many people would regard SD's curt attitude as rather rude - at 15 she is capable of being civil after all if she wants to. But I guess that'd fall under the umbrella of "upsetting" her and risking contact so I'm assuming that sort of pep talk never happens. It sends the message to SD that it's okay to be rude - arguably disrespectful - to her stepmum.

Catsmother we may have been separated at birth! You have summed up all my feelings yet again!

My issue has never been personal to my sd its about being bound and gagged in my own home, having my own ds, effectively, treated like a second class citizen and then being put in a position of responsibility to a child who I have no apparent authority over as I am not her "mother"...for a week, without being asked. This is absolutely not about her behaviour as so many people have got carried away with. If she is just guilty of being lazy and sullen or if I have just found a bag of grass in her room it wouldn't matter...I would be able to deal with it. As it is, I cant. If my son is rude to me I can tell him so, he can apologize, we can discuss it and all is right with the world again.

My sd would always, always be welcome (if I was asked first)....if we had ANY kind of relationship but we dont, and its not for want of trying on my behalf. My own ds can be a complete pain at times and I can tell him so. If he is really getting on my nerves i can even send him to his room. No problem. I am simply not permitted to treat my sd as if she were my own.

I do expect my children to be doing something, that is the sort of parent that I am. I expect them to contribute to our family life....but, as it is, one of them doesnt have to. The fact is, in my opinion, this house is my husbands and mine not any of our childrens' ....as we often say "when you have your own home then you can make up your own rules". My husband has never said that I have too many rules when it comes to our two children at home but for some reason I cannot treat all our children the same. His reasoning is that his dd's are allowed to do what they want at home so they should just be left to it...happily ignoring the glaring divide it causes. Someone mentioned that the rules should be relaxed while they are here..... and I have never heard of anything so ridiculous in all my days! So many people seem to see sc's a s some kind of charity case to be treated with kid gloves. I personally think it is better to have two honest, safe, happy homes...that means affection as well as discipline. I would love to go shopping with her, paint her nails, oh, and be able to tell her to get her lazy carcass out of bed when I saw fit to.

The reason for my original post was because I didnt know if my feelings were even valid (clearly they are as lots of you have agreed with me).

The week is indeed nearly over and, indeed, no-one has died but is has been, predictably, very stressful. Having read all the hundreds of posts though I am happy in the knowledge that things will have to change and although everyone else seems to be happy with the arrangements I sure as hall am not.

Catsmother is a very smart lady, whose talents are wasted here - she should be a Consultant Pscychologist in Family Issues!!!!

But Sleepy, I totally understand the frustration of having a teenager, who enjoys elevated status, in your home. Totally unhealthy dynamics.

Isn't it a little unfair that the stepdaughter is seen as usurping the natural daughter's bedroom, the bedroom isn't considered a joint room, it's the toddlers and the teenager is in the way. It indicates favouritism of the toddler to me. SD is only an unwanted guest not really one of the family.

Molly, no one has even indicated that, as far as I see, everyone has indeed talked about it as a joint room. It has been said that the girls share the room, but that the sleeping in prevents the toddler from being able to use the room during hours when the toddler ought reasonably to expect to be able to have use of it - meaning that the 'shared' room is effectively being taken over by one party - the teen - to an unreasonable degree.

However - although I don't think it has been said - there have been many posts on this sort of shared bedroom before, and has been frequently pointed out, the SD has two bedrooms, and the toddler has only one. Or, to look at it another way, the SD has one and a half bedrooms and the toddler has one-half of a bedroom.

So we could just as well ask, isn't it unfair that the stepdaughter has two bedrooms, one of which she does not have to share at all, ever, and one of which she is allowed to treat as if it were her own by effectively precluding its use by the other roommate?

If my DD and my DSD shared a room, I would certainly expect that in the daytime hours, my DD would be able to play freely in her room. If she still napped, I'd put her down in my own room so that DSD could also have unfettered access to the room. DD would I imagine go to bed earlier, which is unfortunate for DSD, but is the reality in non-blended families where children share rooms as well. I hasten to add - DSD lives here all the time, so in our case it would have nothing to do with who is here when, but simply the reality that where a bedroom has to be a shared space, a teen sleeping in until mid-afternoon isn't fair or necessary.

You are actually suggesting that DSD be given preferential treatment (again) by being allowed to make the shared space unusable during daytime hours.

OP, I'm glad you've gotten some support through the thread. Hang in there.

Or, to answer more succinctly -

No.

Superb post Brdgrl, not sure why the SD should effectively have 1.5 bedrooms, leaving the bio daughter with 0.5 bedrooms.

It's amazing how some are doggedly determined to make me out to be some kind if monster! In actuality I have 2 sd's. the other is 9 and stayed with her mother. The 9 year old also shares the same room but as she wakes up at a reasonable time there is no issue. Again, it's the fact the teen will happily stay in bad until mid afternoon which causes thaw problem. The room is then not SHARED but dominated.

I think putting yourself in her shoes is a really good idea. It's what I do. I look underneath the behaviour to see where it's stemming from. Do you have any idea why she is so unfriendly to you? How long have you known her? How long is it since you all set up home together?

I've been there with a troublesome teen dsd, and I have to say she sounds nothing like one so far. What I found worked was to model the behaviour I wanted to see, and left dsd to do her own thing or join in. I too had different rules and she and dd shared a bedroom. It was always their room, not dd's even though she only came every third weekend. And she got first dibs on it when she was with us as dd had it for all the time when dsd was with her mum. It was dsd's home too and while I couldn't influence how she was being brought up, I could choose whether to just blend with it or fight against it. I chose the former.

It's amazing how some are doggedly determined to make me out to be some kind if monster

There has been generations of social conditioning in Western society that leaves many, if not most, people to automatically suspect a stepmother of malicious intent.

It's not you who they are condemning - it's what you represent - the woman who convinced the woodcutter to abandon his children, the one who favoured her own daughters over their stepsister and the one who attempted to poison her husbands daughter in a jealous rage.

I've learnt to embrace it - yes, I'm a WSM for not accepting my DSC as my own, for considering them to be guests in our home, for refusing to put their wants and preferences before those of my daughter, yes and my own, too!

I'm not going to waste my energy trying to overturn decades of social conditioning; I'm going to do things my own way - and if society condemns me for it, then so be it!

galangal, i think that sounds very unfair to your own DD. I'm sorry, but I do.

As for putting self in shoes to figure out why a teen SD behaves and feels as she does...I have been doing this for five years now, and I think actually I have a very, very good understanding of DSD's motives and feelings. That's part of why I respond the way I do! Having empathy and understanding what has led to the place where things are, doesn't automatically translate into a 'softly softly' approach, or mean that one needs to 'give in' or offer preference to the SC. I can't say that strongly enough.

I don't enforce boundaries and insist on respectful behaviour from my SD because I am unaware or unsympathetic. I do it because 1) it is best for our family as a whole, and 2) because actually I do care very much for DSD and I do have insight into her 'inner workings' and - like any other parent who cares and makes an effort - I respond to that based on what, in my judgement and that of her father, she needs, rather than what she thinks she wants. Which is pretty much exactly how I parent my own DD. So I can sleep pretty well at night knowing I'm doing the best I can for her.

What is unfair?

Whet is unfair? Well, put yourself in your DDs position.

She has a DSSis with whom she shares her room. That DSSis only stays every three weeks and when she does, she gets first dibs on the room and normal life revolves around DSSis.

Your DD is the one who lives with the responsibilities of everyday life in her home - and every three weeks someone else comes along and is given preferential treatment.

However you see your DSD, I very much doubt that your DD saw her as a member of your family - ahe was a favoured guest for a few weekends every year.