Sd's here when their dad is not... I can't deal with it

[Sleepyk]

My husband has agreed (not for the first time) that his eldest daughter (15) can come
and stay while their mum is on holiday... Problem is I don't want her here. It's a terrible thing to say but we have a very distant relationship whereby I ask her how she is ...she answers, I ask her how School is ...she answers, but if I don't speak she doesn't say a wordk. . I always feel so awkward Around her when we are alone. She will happily sleep till 2 in the afternoon(in my daughters bedroom) and spends the rest of the time glued to her phone (I would not allow my children to do either). It's all so strained.

My problem is my husband will be at work all day so it's me and my sd..... I just don't know how to approach the subject with my husband with making it sound as if I am some wicked step mum! Am I being childish ?

Agreed.

If you feel that uncomfortable with your SD, she can come & stay with me. She would fit in very well with my hormonal grunting 15 & 16 year old DDs and their friends. I also am a leader in Guiding and there are lots like this! DD2 goes to bed on a Friday by 10 and sleeps ghrough til midday. Their school are looking at changing the hours in upper 6th form so lessons don't start until 10am due to research proving that teens need a lie in & function better for it (lessons will finish later).
The more the merrier in this house as long as they don't expectme to wait on them!

If you feel that uncomfortable with your SD, she can come & stay with me. She would fit in very well with my hormonal grunting 15 & 16 year old DDs and their friends. I also am a leader in Guiding and there are lots like this! DD2 goes to bed on a Friday by 10 and sleeps ghrough til midday. Their school are looking at changing the hours in upper 6th form so lessons don't start until 10am due to research proving that teens need a lie in & function better for it (lessons will finish later).
The more the merrier in this house as long as they don't expectme to wait on them!

Brdgirl that is a good point about the SD still requiring some kind of supervision / interaction if there is an adult in the house, but unless there is a major drama it is minimal. 'Put your bowl in the dishwasher' 'what time will you be home?' 'Is your ass glued to that sofa?' type stuff isn't it? I said before I truly understand how claustrophobic it can be but where do you draw the line to say they are not to come if the dad isn't there? What behaviour is the cut off? My eldest is nearly 13 so have yet to read many teenage threads, therefore have no idea what happens on them.

I'm not sure what the solution is in this situation, but it looks as though there probably isn't one where someone isn't mightily pissed off / hurt etc.

But Still, the sort of interaction you've described is exactly the sort of interaction the OP has said she can't have with her DSD, because of the role she isn't permitted to have in her own home

It's a whole can o worms this isn't it.

I don't dislike my sd at all I just don't like a lot of things that she does/is allowed to do. Fine in her own home (which btw is a 15 minute walk away) but not on my watch. She is my responsibilty its as simple as that. What do you do when she comes down to go shopping wearing next to nothing, push up bra, fake nails, huuuuge hair and enough make to sink a proverbial ship? I can say NOTHING but have to watch her walk out the door like that. Tell dad? Then we have my sd REALLY disliking me for being a grass....
That's just one example.

I know teens like to sleep more than most but in this case she Sleeps all the time! ( unless there is shopping to be done) ... after school she will come in, text for an hour then roll over on the sofa and go to sleep till dinner is ready. On a weekend she can sleep all day.... We joke about it but it affects the household. My 2 year old will come in and say time and time again she can't wake her sister up ( so much for the "send the toddler in"!) .... She sleeps in my daughters room. That is clearly ok for some but not for me and def not for a week!

She isn't allowed to stay at her own house on her own (dads rules) even during the day so clearly I am expected to have some kind of role... It's good to know though that I'm not alone in requiring some kind of input from my children.

The crux of it is, I want nothing more than to have the sort of relationship that some people have with their sc's but its just not happened that way. I want to be able to comfortably discuss things with her but I can't. My dh doesn't want to upset his dd by opening up the rule book as he says she will not want to come over any more... It's so hard to deal with.

As a teenager I slept late but it was because i was a night owl and up half the night. If dsd is asleep for that long that often have you considered there might be some medical cause?

It really is a can of worms sleepy, and I feel for you actually. Fwiw my step children are boys so the big hair, push up bra etc wasn't / isn't on my radar but I did and still would give them a dressing down if needed, but I was always safe in the knowledge that I had the backing of my DH and their mum. Must make the world of difference.

There was no point in them moaning to their parents as they knew I'm too soft I always tried to be fair anyway.

I do hope you get it sorted .

Mostly leaning towards maryz take on this in terms of the sleeping in, as my ds1 aged 15 is similar.
I wouldn't stop the 2yr old from going in the room though.
Dsd can do her on thing if it doesn't cause aggro, but you shouldn't have to change your routine to fit in with it.
I've managed to persuade ds1 to come on holiday with us this year, but I can see it being the last. Not really sure what I'll do then, as his dad is such a waste of space I've not considered him going over there while his dad was working his very long hours, and he's not managed to have a clear weekend to have both boys since Christmas.

I do think it?s absurd to suggest, as some have, that the OP will not be affected by SD?s presence, or that she should not have any say in how the situation is managed.

Totally agree.

And finally, the child may have two homes. But the OP has one, and she deserves to be respected within it.

Yes, you can argue til the cows come home, over whether the child has two homes (or not), but irrespective of that, the OP does just have the one home.

I had this conversation with DH last night on a slightly different topic; I?m having a minor operation in the summer, I?ll be rather immobile for a while, and whilst at home convalescing, I am NOT having DSS18 dossing round the house. He?s practically finished his A levels, starts Uni in September, but in the meantime is too tired/busy/young/lazy/delicate to consider even a few hours per week of paid (or voluntary) work. And as I only have one home, I shall need this to recover in, in peace. If DSS has the option of two homes, then he can doss in the other one while I?m getting better. Before the pitch-forks come out, I should add he is welcome to visit us when DH is around, but I?m not being used as a youth club at other times.

I know I said I don't have step-experience, so what do I know, but it still blows my mind how many step-mothers on this thread don't realise that they are doing exactly what the step children are doing - the tension is that they both want to feel at home in the same space, and have stylistic differences - and the lack of sympathy and awareness is sad and horrible. Not from the step-children, but from the supposed adults.

I do understand that the fathers should communicate better about all this, and that it is hard to have children in your house that you are not "allowed" to "parent" but I can also see how a dynamic could develop where, if you are constantly picking and sniping about supposed laziness and other petty things, the whole thing becomes so unconstructive that you are basically just asked to leave it

I am not looking at this from the pov of the step mother, the other mother, or the father, because this thread has plenty of judgey parental (parental in the transactional analysis) sense voices. I am standing up for the child because I can remember being a teenager and I think teenagers need a break.

Curry - but it's not the child who is causing the problem here, it's her father. The child's father has decided that, without checking first, his wife should facilitate his ex having a break. In my opinion, that's the root issue here.

curry, i'm nt sure what you mean by this?
it still blows my mind how many step-mothers on this thread don't realise that they are doing exactly what the step children are doing
I certainly don't do what my DSCs are doing.

But if I am understanding this part of your post - the tension is that they both want to feel at home in the same space, and have stylistic differences - well, my response to that is pretty simple, and I know you aren't going to like it! The children in a home don't get to determine the rules. Their "stylistic" preferences are pretty immaterial, until they grow up, move out, and can choose their lifestyle in their own home.

The "stylistic differences" between the adults in the house need to be negotiated between the couple.

I also remember being a teenager (even stepmums were teenagers, too!). That helps me know I'm not expecting too much!

And I should add, my DSCs obviously feel very much at home here. It is their home (their only one), and whatever conflicts we do have, that's not been an issue.

Maybe because they have no other home to hold up as an example (or as a threat, as in 'I'll go to mum's and never come back!'), they just have to put up with it.......like all those teens in non-blended families, with parents who 'pick and snipe' over things.

The children in a home don?t get to determine the rules. Their ?stylistic? preferences are pretty immaterial, until they grow up, move out, and can choose their lifestyle in their own home.

Well said Brdgrl. Teenagers do not get to call the shots or decide the way a household operates. Well, not in a ?together? family ?.. But in a step family, it seems that common sense goes out the window, and that the wishes of the non-resident teenager should somehow take priority over the adults. And then people wonder why the dynamics in step-households are so skewed.

bumply, how old is your DS? Can you not just tell him he's coming on holiday, rather than persuading?

LMAO at 'stylistic differences'. I think as a teenager I probably had daily 'stylistic differences' to my parents. You know what, they set the rules and I got on with it. As it should be.

I have daily 'stylistic differences' with my 4yo as well

LOL Allnew - great post !!!!

Well, the week's nearly over.

Did the world end? No.

She won't be 15 forever.

Im trying to imagine my ex's partner saying this about my children, if I heard it he wouldn't see them again.

But then again my ex wouldn't let him.

Dadthelion - are you a Disney Dad by any chance?

Petal it is possible to have that view and not be a disney parent. I've never heard that term before, but it's a little insulting.

Right ..... so a stepmum who objects, quite reasonably, as an adult to being disrespected in her own home by her SD because her partner refuses to enforce the same house rules and discipline which apply to all the other children in the household is in the wrong Dadthelion ?

Maybe, in the greater scheme of things, complaining about "typical" teenage traits isn't the end of the world - though most of us would do it - but, being expected to supervise and take responsibility for another child when you are in effect powerless - because of your partner's short sighted and selfish Disney parenting - is something the OP has every right to feel fed up about. Why the heck is the SD seemingly more important than the OP's child, and why is she seemingly less deserving of the discipline which applies to the other kids ? That smacks of her DH thinking that his daughter is better than the other kids ....... but that's okay huh ?

All this "it's her dad's house, it's her other home, she should be welcome whenever" is fine - up to a point. But you can't have it both ways ..... the SD and her father don't get to cherry pick the bits of the OP's family life they want ..... either the SD is a fully integrated member of the family - or she isn't. I quite agree that in an ideal world her father's house (which is also the OP's house BTW) should be as much SD's as any other child. In which case, she should be part of the family warts and all .... that means same rules, same chores, same participation (as applies to other kids) in family activities, same having to tighten her belt if money's hard to come by, same meals etc etc etc. The OP should NOT be bloody well having to tiptoe round this girl for fear of "upsetting" her and having her strop off elsewhere - and the OP's partner should not be allowing this to happen. It is NOT unfair to insist that all the kids follow the same rules - as agreed by OP and her DH whatever those may be - and neither is it unfair for OP and her DH to discuss anything which alters their day to day routine regardless of who's being discussed.

Why the heck should OP not be "allowed" to express her opinion aboout this ? She's not asking for special favours herself - the main gist of the problem is that this girl is treated differently, that OP's place in her own family as a supposedly equal adult is belittled when SD is there because she has no say in what goes on and that she must walk on eggshells. It's not about SD being 15 - her age doesn't matter (though I accept it brings its own particular annoyances) ...... it's about the OP's DH favouring his daughter above all else - which is selfish and arrogant and is hardly in the spirit of blending is it ??!!

Dadthelion - you seem to think the OP's DH is quite entitled to lay down the law like this because it concerns his child and that trumps all other considerations. Well, if he was single, good luck to him - but he entered willingly into a relationship where his actions, even if they do concern his child, also effect other people. As a result it is courteous to discuss stuff .... and there is NEVER any justification for allowing one child to be favoured over others. I'm amazed that anyone could ever think that acceptable.

I'm sure if OP felt respected, able to express herself naturally and supported as an equal by her DH that she'd feel very differently about this whole issue.

Im trying to imagine my ex's partner saying this about my children, if I heard it he wouldn't see them again. But then again my ex wouldn't let him.

I'm trying to imagine a scenario where, should DH and I split up, he would refuse access to my DD, on the grounds that my live-in partner or new husband expressed the view that he should have some say in the household routines.

Failing.

Also trying to imagine a scenario in which my husband "lets" me air my opinions.

Yep, failing.

I guess we have different marriages, Dadthelion.

by the way, catsmother, i love you.