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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Sd's here when their dad is not... I can't deal with it

214 replies

Sleepyk · 28/05/2013 19:58

My husband has agreed (not for the first time) that his eldest daughter (15) can come
and stay while their mum is on holiday... Problem is I don't want her here. It's a terrible thing to say but we have a very distant relationship whereby I ask her how she is ...she answers, I ask her how School is ...she answers, but if I don't speak she doesn't say a wordk. . I always feel so awkward Around her when we are alone. She will happily sleep till 2 in the afternoon(in my daughters bedroom) and spends the rest of the time glued to her phone (I would not allow my children to do either). It's all so strained.

My problem is my husband will be at work all day so it's me and my sd..... I just don't know how to approach the subject with my husband with making it sound as if I am some wicked step mum! Am I being childish ?

OP posts:
catsmother · 31/05/2013 11:34

Aww thanks Brdgrl :)

Rightsaiddeb · 31/05/2013 12:08

Have been lurking reading this thread with growing interest.
It's probably fair to say that it does look a lot like dh is at fault for creating an unfair situation all round.
OP feels bad at lack of respect being shown to her by dh not asking her opinion and by dsd picking up on this and showing an equal amount of discourtesy In turn. There is probably someone out there with knowledge of natural order in the animal world and may offer an opinion.
No doubt dsd also feels bad and can't bring herself to engage comfortably with sm. she probably senses the odd distribution of power in the household and can't deal with it.
I am in the unusual,position of being mum to ds and sm to dss and, apart from deeper feelings towards own dc due to birth, bonding, ... It would I feel be difficult to detect differences in my parenting of them. They're of similar ages (2 yrs between them) and though I feel dh could put more effort into his relationship with my ds, all in all we agree on same rules, same privileges etc.
Totally different situation with dsd, however. It has literally taken me years to figure out that dsd, the oldest of the bunch, is not determined to see me off/ drive me insane or out the door, she is merely reacting to the set up dh has put in place. Dsd is valued by dh over and above ds and dss put together, and while a dad may adore his beautiful dd it is not becoming or helpful for all the others involved.
She bosses s/siblings about, can't even take instructions for the washing machine from me and tells everyone here she is an adult (who never contributes, does what she wants when she wants... Nothing dramatic but in a league of her own).
when the day comes I'm asked (hopefully) if I'm ok with dsc moving in on a more permanent basis, I know which sc would benefit the most and contribute the most to the family/ home. Does that make me half wicked? Does it make dh a good dad half the time?

SconeRhymesWithGone · 31/05/2013 12:31

The children in a home don't get to determine the rules. Their "stylistic" preferences are pretty immaterial, until they grow up, move out, and can choose their lifestyle in their own home.

Even my very traditional parents (all four of them) were willing to listen to us as we got older, and rules were often negotiated. On other threads, parents are often advised to take this approach. It is the approach DH and I took with our children as well. As they got older, we tried to move from the benevolent dictatorship model to a more democratic one. Older teenagers are nearly adults. Their preferences are not immaterial. They certainly should have a voice in how the family is ordered.

brdgrl · 31/05/2013 12:57

Well, scone, I'll have to disagree with you on that one. If it works for you, then that's terrific, I wouldn't tell you not to parent as you like in your own home. But no, it isn't a universal truth that children "should" have a voice in how the family is ordered.

It's not how I was raised, its not the model I see working in the households I want to emulate, and its not how DH and I see things working for us. (To contrast your own childhood experience, even my very liberal parents were very clear about who was setting the boundaries in our house, and that worked well for us.)

It's also emphatically not the model universally suggested by 'experts' - you will find some who do advocate a more 'democratic' approach, and some who stress the importance of a unified couple at the head of the household.

Just as there are different models of parenting toddlers, there are different models for parenting teenagers. I assure you that as much thought and consideration has gone into ours as into your own. You and I have different views on this and different experiences. I see success in the model I've chosen, and you see it in your's.

curryeater · 31/05/2013 13:55

brdgrl, how old are your own (not step-) children?

I think you are really wrong about not introducing more consultation, negotiation and cooperation with older children. When they are adults, they will have to know how to do these things (along with all the other things you have presumably been teaching them like cooking, washing, driving, small talk, being polite to boring old dears, etc). How will they have learnt if they just get shot down in flames every time they attempt to present a different point of view?

I tell my 4 year old when bed time is. When she is 40 it will be none of my business. When she is 15, and living with me, we should be learning how to get to the point that she can manage happily when she is 40. And treating her like a 4 year old will be inappropriate for that.

curryeater · 31/05/2013 13:56

The reason why I ask about your own children is because I am curious whether you have teenagers of your own you treat like this, or whether our dogmatic impatience with your step children's personalities and wishes is as much about them being step- as being teenagers. If your own children are younger then that's different, dogmatism has its place with little children.

allnewtaketwo · 31/05/2013 13:59

Where on earth did brdgrl say the children would get "shot down in flames" for having a different point of view Confused

IMO teenager live by house rules. Those house rules get decided by adults, not children. Of course teenagers get input into their own lives such as going out, hobbies, friends etc. But partaking in decisions about whether or not they want to help do dishes/eat as a family/show respect to family members, no, they're not things teenagers have decision making power over. You've taken what brdgrl actually said and somehow twisted it into a dictatorship over every aspect of life, which isn't what she said at all.

curryeater · 31/05/2013 14:05

Well perhaps I am getting a bit mixed up about who has said what exactly, but there seem to be a lot of people broadly agreeing with other on here that teenagers should be told what to do down to when they get up and how they spend their leisure time and not to spend too much time "emanating lethargy".

brdgrl · 31/05/2013 14:15

Thanks, allnew.

My stepchildren are definitely not shy about expressing their own point of view. Neither are they treated like 4 year-olds.

I have two stepchildren and one daughter. She's not a teenager yet, but she will be, and there will be no sudden reversal of my (or my husband's, I'm sure) views on parenting, which are quite informed and considered, thank you. I live with teens day in and day out, just like you do, and I realy wonder why you think you have a superior insight?

Obviously you are free to believe that I am just holding double standards or that I would treat my own child differently when that day comes.

I can't prove a negative.

On the other hand, I might ask if you have considered the possibility that you might be wrong here, and that you might be raising children who, in the fullness of time, will be shown to be lacking in certain skills or personal qualities? Of course - you think you are doing things right. Hmm

allnewtaketwo · 31/05/2013 14:17

I think you've read a number of posts, put them together out of context and made a broad assertion

curryeater · 31/05/2013 14:29

brdgrl, "I realy wonder why you think you have a superior insight? " - well on that basis why is anyone allowed to express a different point of view? Ever? I just think I am seeing things that you aren't seeing, as we all do, all the time - or seeing them in the same way - and offering another perspective.
Your snotty tone - and the later suggestion that my children will turn out to be "lacking" - is semantically meaningless, and just you asserting authority and superiority, in the bossiest and most pompous way you can, because you are interpreting this situation (the one you and I are in) primarily as about pecking order. It's funny, and silly, and a bit neanderthal, and I suspect you do it a lot, and I suspect you do it to your step-dcs, and I bet they absolutely hate it. I really do not get on with pecking-order-dicks; I am much more interested in content and analysis and feeling than in WHO IS IN CHARGE AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT and the irony is that, because of this, although I am naturally a cooperator, I find it very difficult to cooperate with pecking-order-dicks. Perhaps this dynamic is causing difficulty with your step dcs? I only suggest it. I don't presume to know. And I certainly wouldn't presume to boss your about, or try to adopt a tone of superiority towards you.

Mollydoggerson · 31/05/2013 14:42

When you get the dh, you get the baggage also. The step daughter is part and parcel of the package, that is what you have bought into and that is what you have to cope with. You do sound like the wicked step mother to be. Just leave her be.

NotaDisneyMum · 31/05/2013 14:43

curry I agree, to an extent, with the idea that as DCs get older they can begin to contribute to discussions about their own responsibilities and the benefits of maturity (age is less important than maturity IMO)

But, the complication for NRP households is that the DCs can avoid the 'consequences' of a decision to disregard boundaries and 'rules'; which some teens will do, even if they have had a part in setting them.

If a teen agrees to a curfew at their NRP home, with the consequence of being "grounded" if they break it, then they know that the grounding is only going to interfere with their life EOW, if at all, so there's very little deterrent.
If a teen slowly accumulates dirty cups and plates in their room over the course of a weekend, leaves wet towels on the floor, or generally treats the place like a hotel they know that by the time they return in 2 weeks time it will have been cleared up; whereas a resident DC will face the "natural consequences" of there being no dishes in the cupboard the next time they want one, or a pile of wet towels on their bed one evening.

My DD is 50:50 with her Dad and I really struggle with this at times. There is no way we can apply the method of parenting you describe to my DSC - they are just not with us frequently enough to experience the consequences of the 'rules' that we could put in place. Therefore, DP is responsible for his DCs - and I'm happily detached!

NotaDisneyMum · 31/05/2013 14:48

When you get the dh, you get the baggage also. The step daughter is part and parcel of the package, that is what you have bought into and that is what you have to cope with. You do sound like the wicked step mother to be. Just leave her be.

Ah, there it is! I wondered when the you knew what you were getting into line would be thrown out!

Ironic, really - because if the OP wasn't in a relationship with her DP, then the DC in question would have to go on holiday with her mother as there would be no one at home during the day Wink

brdgrl · 31/05/2013 14:51

curry, thanks for that last post. I think it sums you up perfectly.

brdgrl · 31/05/2013 14:55

I guess it would be snotty of me to comment on your use of the term "semantically meaningless", so I won't.
I will only say that it is a bit rich for you to take such offense at my comments, especially my comment that your children might end up lacking in some way, when you find it completely ok to suggest that my stepchildren might end up lacking.
To put it in a way that might sound less pompous - You started it.

brdgrl · 31/05/2013 15:01

The step daughter is part and parcel of the package, that is what you have bought into and that is what you have to cope with.

People are not 'bought into'. You don't get a contract with a relationship that tells you the terms. Relationships between people evolve and change. A teenage child is probably going to present some challenges. The OP bought into a relationship with her DP and in doing so, tacitly agreed to accept those challenges and to work with her partner to resolve them - that is all.

allnewtaketwo · 31/05/2013 16:37

When you get the dh, you get the baggage also. The step daughter is part and parcel of the package, that is what you have bought into and that is what you have to cope with. You do sound like the wicked step mother to be. Just leave her be

That's rather like saying to an OP on the teenager board with any issue "when you gave birth you got a child. You have bought into that and you have to cope with it. You do sound like a wicked mother. Just leave her be"

Maryz · 31/05/2013 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catsmother · 31/05/2013 17:37

I'll eat my hat if the OP actually "bought into "the idea of a favoured and undisciplined child . Come on .... do we really believe her DH laid that on a plate for her and she happily and enthusiastically agreed !!?! I rather more suspect this is a situation that's evolved over the years and her DH is too spineless to deal with it.

Maryz · 31/05/2013 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotaDisneyMum · 31/05/2013 17:52

Her sins are: Getting up late. Texting at the table. Sleeping on the couch in the afternoons. Anything else?

How about refusing to have contact with her Dad for weeks after she didn't get her own way?
Is that typical teen behaviour that is accommodated in 'together' families?

allnewtaketwo · 31/05/2013 18:01

I think it all sounds v lazy and slovenly. I wouldn't have been allowed to do it and I wouldn't allow it either. Step child or no step child, I cannot abide people lying around sleeping during the day

StillSlightlyCrumpled · 31/05/2013 18:24

But would you say they aren't to visit unless their dad is in attendance all of the time? I just know I couldn't do that to my step children or my husband.

This all seems terribly over analysed, isn't it better to just go with it and see what happens. If the SD didn't come over for a few weeks because she was disciplined then I guess that would need dealing with at the time.

NotaDisneyMum · 31/05/2013 18:28

But would you say they aren't to visit unless their dad is in attendance all of the time? I just know I couldn't do that to my step children or my husband.

Do what to them?

What exactly do you think you will be depriving them of?

Why is your existence in their life so essential?