Sd's here when their dad is not... I can't deal with it

[Sleepyk]

My husband has agreed (not for the first time) that his eldest daughter (15) can come
and stay while their mum is on holiday... Problem is I don't want her here. It's a terrible thing to say but we have a very distant relationship whereby I ask her how she is ...she answers, I ask her how School is ...she answers, but if I don't speak she doesn't say a wordk. . I always feel so awkward Around her when we are alone. She will happily sleep till 2 in the afternoon(in my daughters bedroom) and spends the rest of the time glued to her phone (I would not allow my children to do either). It's all so strained.

My problem is my husband will be at work all day so it's me and my sd..... I just don't know how to approach the subject with my husband with making it sound as if I am some wicked step mum! Am I being childish ?

It wasnt like that at all! And of course dd sees dsd as part of the family - thats exactly what she is! they are extremely close, dsd is a fantastic big sister and dd adores her back.

And dsd was with us first. It was her room and a new baby meant she had to share not only her Dad and I, but her room too. For two days dd had to share the room, I think it was a great lesson for her in sharing and compromising. Dsd didn't get preferential treatment I was just very careful to make sure she felt part of the family. And Nothing changed when dsd came, sometimes her sister was there, sometimes she wasn't. She has no idea that I worked it so that dsd got time on her own on their room if she wanted it either. It wasn't an issue for either of them.

My DSC are forced to compromise because their parents are separated - regardless of who their Dad shares his life with.

My DSC have to compromise over belongings (should I leave it at Dads or take it to mums?), pocket money (should I spend it on something with Dad or Mum?), activities (do I want to do this activity when I'm with Dad, or only when I'm with Mum?).

Its easier to blame SM for expecting DCs to compromise than hold the parents to account - and yet most issues would exist whether or not there was a WSM on the scene!

Big difference between sharing a room, and one person getting 'first dibs' on it!
I'm not suggesting anything about how your DD feels/felt about her sister - I just think this
And she got first dibs on it when she was with us as dd had it for all the time when dsd was with her mum.
is very unfair. And doubly so if DSD didn't have to share the room at her mum's.
It would not happen in most non-blended families.

But I think maybe we have very different set-ups, anyway - you say It was dsd's home too and while I couldn't influence how she was being brought up, I could choose whether to just blend with it or fight against it.
That's not my experience at all. I do have influence on how my DSD is brought up, as she is living in my home, and I wouldn't accept any situation where I didn't. I think most step-parents do and should have influence on how children living in their homes are being brought up, at the very least in terms of rules, responsibilities, financial considerations, and relationships with other family members.

MaryZ, I almost don't want to credit that comment with a response, but if I were to list to you the ways in which I and my own daughter have compromised for the sake of my DSCs, it would fill the rest of my afternoon.

To put it in the most minimalist terms...I've compromised financially, I've compromised my social life, I live away from my friends and all of my family including my dying parents, I cannot pursue jobs in my field because that would require relocating and my DSCs would then have to change schools, most of my earnings go to support or pay for treats for my DSCs...I recently paid £700 to throw a party for my DSD; DD's party is next weekend and I can afford to spend less than a tenth of that...I cannot celebrate Mother's Day with my daughter in our home, for the sake of the DSCs...

I'm not a martyr. I do these things because I believe in our family. But don't you dare speak about a lack of compromise.

I think most step-parents do and should have influence on how children living in their homes are being brought up, at the very least in terms of rules, responsibilities, financial considerations, and relationships with other family members.

That's a really good point - it was when I ceased to have this influence that I no longer considered the DSC as living here as part of the family.

I think you're right - in those blended families where the DSC are family members, SM has influence over the way the DCs behave and are treated. In those homes where DCs visit, that influence is lacking, and less necessary!

And yes, children do have to compromise, too. In all families.

Well done, Galangal, it sounds as though you are managing things very well.

Yes, Galangal, you sound lovely and very much like my own step-mother.

Galangal, that is exactly how we have dealt with it too, and still do in fact with DH's younger one from his first marriage .

sleepy for the record I don't think you are monster at all, and I hope that you one day can have the relationship you would like with your step daughter.

Thank you Scone and Maryz.

I think step children can have a really hard time of it. The important thing for me was that dsd felt loved unconditionally. That doesn't mean there were never any boundaries from me, but I didn't insist that my way was adhered to when her mums way was so different. I guess I just chose my battles. And in the case of the op I really wouldn't have given dsd staying in bed half the day at 15 a second thought.

galangal Loved unconditionally by their Dad, definitely. But many DSC experience significant emotional conflict when faced with a step-parent who demonstrates the same level of emotional investment; especially if one of their parents isn't totally supportive of the relationship between step-parent and child.

I'm not suggesting it didn't work for you - but it certainly isn't a model that would work for all DCs and could easily add to the emotional damage that everyone is at pains to avoid.

brdgrl ,

why on earth can't you celebrate Mother's Day if you dsd is there? And why would you spend £700 on dsd and £70 on your own dd. Seems you have things a little mixed up?

pendipidy, my very point in that post was that I have made what many would consider to be unreasonable compromises, in order to make things more pleasant for my DSCs or to allow them to carry on living in the 'manner to which they are accustomed', even where that is incompatible with our real circumstances.

We do not acknowledge mother's day in the house, because my DSCs have lost their mother, and it has been put to me that it would be unkind to them to celebrate the day. Is that right or rational? Probably not...no more so than many of the other concessions and compromises made by myself or many another stepmother, who are not just asked but expected to put themselves and their own children after their stepchildren.

I spent money on a party for my DSD which was of a scale and expense which I personally would never do for my own children for a variety of reasons (and which we now must make other sacrifices to make up for), but which was important to my DSD and which, moreover, was in keeping with the expectations of her and my in-laws. They live a different life from that my daughter will live, because the financial and support provisions for the older children completely exceed what I can provide for my own daughter. And at present I am the main earner in our home, so while I don't provide all their support; it is completely my money which provides the "extras".

brdgrl,

I am a step mother too, just so you know. And i am often in a very similar situation to the OP. And have also a very tricky relationship with my dsds.

But i think you are not doing things quite right...and i have made many many mistakes so believe me I am not saying i am any better than you at being a SM. BUT, your own children should not be deprived and brought up with less, when you all live in the same house. I take it you do live in the same house together? How is it fair if the dsd has more on their birthday than yours? All children should be treated equally. i think you are setting your family up for a very complicated time when they all cotton on to the fact that they are not treated the same.

Even if your PIL expect different things for the dsd (i take it that is what you mean), then they should be told that one family living together with children means that all are treated the same. I realise it could be complicated if the dsd have income from the death of their mother maybe, or from their grandparents, but really it doesn't feel fair to keep everything separate on a day to day basis. Keeping money more further education etc, is different, but grossly different birthday parties and presents, in my personal opinion, surely can't be the way to go?

Sorry for hijacking thread a little, OP.

I realise it could be complicated if the dsd have income from the death of their mother maybe, or from their grandparents, but really it doesn't feel fair to keep everything separate on a day to day basis. Keeping money more further education etc, is different, but grossly different birthday parties and presents, in my personal opinion, surely can't be the way to go?

If that's the way it's been for the DCs for several years following their mothers death, then suddenly withdrawing those when SM and/or a half-sibling appears on the scene is even more destructive, surely?

If the DCs have always had an overseas holiday with Dad for instance, paid for by monies left to them by their Mum, should those holidays stop if the household can't afford for all family members to go? Or should the DSC continue to benefit from the monies left by their Mum/grandparents etc exclusive of their SM and step-siblings?

This sort of 'compromise' on the part of SM's is not at all uncommon - whether it be financial, emotional, practical or otherwise. To suggest that SMs expect their DSC to do all the compromising is, frankly, insulting.

I realise it could be complicated if the dsd have income from the death of their mother maybe, or from their grandparents,

Bingo. Very complicated. But also about coming from very different backgrounds, so that there are different expectations about what and when presents are given...what holidays should be like...what gadgets
and luxuries are appropriate...what is wasteful and what is not.

I could not agree more that it is better for all the children in a household to have the same expectations and have the same things provided for them.

But I think you can probably see from threads like this one, that as a stepmum we are often expected to do exactly what I'm talking about doing - favouring the stepchildren.

If I can't afford, and don't want, to 'equalize' things in my home by just giving up and allowing my own DD the same luxuries and privileges that her older siblings are given - which include things I think are extremely bad for them or are not compatible with my own beliefs as a responsible parent - then what am I to do?

If I put my foot down and insist that my DSCs go without the things they are used to having and doing (which I do insist on in some cases - it is a matter of picking battles!), then I am a wicked stepmum who is upsetting the poor dears and treating them badly by changing the rule book.

I agree 100% that it isn't right.

Incidentally, we did have to tell my FIL that he needed to acknowledge his youngest granddaughter's birthday as well as his older grandchildren's. That's not right either.

OP,I am also sorry for hijacking! I really was just trying to reply to the idea that we stepmums expect all the compromise to go one way!

I am so glad that I started this thread as it shows so clearly how difficult it is to get a balance. If you have a close relationship with your sc's where you can act as the parent that you are, then all these things slip into place much easier. If you have the support to do so by both mum and dad of your sc's you are on to a winner....throw in a bio mum that would happily run you over (woodcutter syndrome) and a dh that is too scared to put a foot wrong with his his dd's and you have a much more complex story. Which is mine.

My 9 year old sd is loving and affectionate whereas my teen sd is the opposite (have known them for 5 years). I can discipline my younger sd without any issue and she just reacts as my own children do...she says sorry, we talk about it and its all over. If I even raise an eyebrow to the older one you can see the hackles coming up. The influence of the bio mum is huge...in my case she still hasnt moved on from separating from my dh and I know for a fact that she doesnt shy away from telling the girls about her sadness. So she sees me happy, in a bigger house than theirs (my house which I bought before meeting their dad), married and a baby..there is no wonder that things are not smooth and Im not flavour of the month.

It is true though that my problem is not with my sd it is actually with my dh as, If I had the authority to parent my sd as I do my own children, then life would be an awful lot easier. Unfortunately I am simply not prepared to parent them in a preferential way so as not to upset their apple cart as I have my own children to consider as well -my problem lies right there. I can deal with the tension this caues in small doses but left to babysit my teen (I say babysit as that is effectively what I have become....no actual authority just watch that they dont set fire to the house) for a week was my issue. I wish I had a simple relationship with my teen sd but maybe its just not going to happen.

I am not blaming my sd in any way for my feelings but my sd is definitely not unaware of the power that she wields ...and that is just it. Its a power struggle that I should not to be having with a child in my own home.

I think you've summed it up in your first paragraph Sleepy. I honestly believe that great step parent relationships can only happen if ALL of the adults involved behave properly. So for me that's DH, his Ex, her DH & me. If just one of us had behaved badly or stupidly then I'm under no illusions my life (& marriage) would have been different.

Can I just ask though, if next visit she is behaving in a way you disapprove of and you challenge her, what would happen. What I am trying (badly probably) to say is perhaps just be natural with her. You've said yourself she isn't a bad kid, maybe she senses your tension when you tell her off. What would your DH actually do if you did relax & deal / speak to her as you do your own.

I think you've put that really well Maryz. And it's what I was wanting to get across too.

I know how hard it is to deal with a teen dsd when neither parent will set boundaries or rules. When their mother hates you, and their Dad is less than supportive.

All I wanted to do was share my experience because I got through it, and have a good relationship with dsd now - she is still very much part of my life I'm pleased to say and I'm no longer with her Dad.

Signs of a normal teen: monotone check
Sleeps till late check
Glued to phone check
Yep sounds normal to me and not at all like she is personally being rude. Do you have much experience of teens?

Its not what she does its my lack of ability to say anything about it in my own home. Before you know I will have both sd's on their phones at the dinner table!

In response to someone's question,Yes, I have my own 15 year old boy.... Who would quite rightly raise both brows if I let my sd do the things he knows first hand that I would not let him do. Again everyone has their own style of parenting my personal no no however are when a child doesn't feel like they should lift a finger, rudeness (to siblings in this case) and spending massively unhealthy amounts of time glued to the phone ( In this case.... Every single spare waking moment, when not at school, without exaggeration .. Twitter, Facebook, text, Instagram all going on at the same time).

Last time I insisted (nicely but firmly) that she come down for dinner when she wanted to watch tv for longer she made her dad take her and her sister home and didn't come round again for two months.

I know it's considered "normal" teenage behaviour by some but I don't think it's right and I know its not healthy.. Luckily with this post I have discovered that there are many who agree with this. Praise The Lord.

Its not what she does its my lack of ability to say anything about it in my own home.

precisely, there is "normal teenage behaviour" and there is "normal response".