Sd's here when their dad is not... I can't deal with it

[Sleepyk]

My husband has agreed (not for the first time) that his eldest daughter (15) can come
and stay while their mum is on holiday... Problem is I don't want her here. It's a terrible thing to say but we have a very distant relationship whereby I ask her how she is ...she answers, I ask her how School is ...she answers, but if I don't speak she doesn't say a wordk. . I always feel so awkward Around her when we are alone. She will happily sleep till 2 in the afternoon(in my daughters bedroom) and spends the rest of the time glued to her phone (I would not allow my children to do either). It's all so strained.

My problem is my husband will be at work all day so it's me and my sd..... I just don't know how to approach the subject with my husband with making it sound as if I am some wicked step mum! Am I being childish ?

Curryeater, I wasn?t saying I disliked my DSS, but his behaviour is often unacceptable (in my opinion) ? I would prefer him to be occupied for some of the day, get some fresh air, be dressed before lunch time etc etc; but when you?re a step parent, you don?t have the authority to impose your parenting style. You generally have to adhere to your partner?s Disney style. So you have the responsibilities and restrictions of having a child/teenager in the house, but none of the parental authority to shape the situation into something more acceptable.

There's no rule that states you do have to like your SC though is there?

The fact is, you might not. Just as they reserve the right to not like you!

Of course you have an obligation to be kind and decent to them but not to allow them to behave however they want while they're under your roof.

I was never allowed to lie in bed until lunch time, to be disrespectful to adults, to not have a job etc and I have no intention of letting my own kids do those things either.

but Petal, you don't like having him around. and I doubt he likes having you around.

I shouldn't really post on this thread because I don't have any step-relationships so I probably don't get how hard it is.

I'm a step parent and I'm still surprised by some of the responses. Our home is also the home of my step children, they are always welcome here just as they were when they were annoying teenagers. Unless the child is being really, really disruptive, abusive etc (& even then the dad has a responsibility) then there is no good reason not to have them to stay. Also, even if they are a real PITA why should the mum not get a break?

fackinhell I meant to say, that's how I used to think about it when my step children were driving me scatty. Play what's happening in their heads. You sound lovely .

There is no good reason not to have them to stay. Also, even if they are a real PITA, why should the Mum not get a break?

Ah, but that?s just the point, isn?t it??? The Mum may well deserve a break, in which case the father should pick up the reins. But the father in this situation is abdicating responsibility onto his partner, without consulting her first ? and that?s not acceptable.

But this child isn't is she, she's just a lazy teenager. I'd agree completely if the were dreadfully behaved with real issues, but it doesn't sound as though she is.

If the father had never met a new partner and the DD was coming to stay whilst her mum was away then he still wouldn't have a need to take time off work. Not at fifteen, surely.

I honestly understand how difficult it can be, but relationships can be made or broken during these teenage years with step children in my opinion.

And yes, of course the DH should consult his partner out of respect but as she's well past babysitting age he shouldn't have to ask permission.

I think quite a few people would class a lazy teenager as a PITA, particularly if they?re not your bio child. My DSS doesn?t have a bad bone in his body, but his laziness and apathy often renders him a PITA ? because left to his own devices he?d be on his computer all night, asleep most of the day, and surgically attached to the sofa from 4pm-ish onwards, ie not participating in our usual household ?timetable.?

And yes, the SD in question is well beyond babysitting age, but as her behaviour (like my DSS?s) disrupts the normal running of the OP?s household (and the OP can?t challenge this), then the OP?s permission should definitely have been sought.

First of all, apologies for earlier rant.
Did not mean to suggest OPs dsd had done anything wrong specifically to warrant disciplining.
It was a bit of a panic attack I suppose, stirred all kinds of unhappy feelings to read about OP situation.
Just want to,add, now that I'm over my little outburst, that I'm not just a reasonable person but one of those people who bend over backwards to make others welcome, dcs, family, friends, etc.
From reading various threads, I feel most sm are. Maybe that's why it hurts so much to see your genuine good will and empathy flung in your face and sneered at by dcs flaunting their lack of respect, regard for you or what ever else you call the basis of a civil relationship.
Empowered by the Disney parents fawning, dsc can be total brats, regardless if its voiced abuse or the silent treatment.

I have two teenage DSCs and they are here all of the time. My DSS is 15.

Unlike the OP, my DSCs live with us as a normal matter of course. But in the situation the Op describes, the child would not normally be at the home on the days in question, so yes, of course the stepmum should be consulted...I don't care for the phrasing of "asking permission", but rather, the decision to alter the usual arrangements and how to manage that change should have been a joint one between both the adults living in the home.

The idea that at 15 the child no longer requires 'babysitting' - well. Yes and no. Many 15 year olds do require supervision. In fact, I was recently told off here for leaving my own 15 year-old DSS with only the supervision of his 18-year-old sister, and basically told that if he trashed my house while I wasn't here, it was my own fault for leaving a 15-year-old alone because 'what did I expect'.

If it isn't acceptable for the girl to stay in her mum's house while mum goes caravanning (and I agree that it is not), then why is it acceptable for her to stay supposedly unsupervised at her dad's house? Obviously, all the adults in her life feel some degree of supervision is warranted, so it is spurious to suggest that the OP can just act as though nothing additional is being required of her under this change in plans.

Having teenagers around all day in the summer, especially when they are not inclined to do anything, is bad enough. Having no authority to enforce house rules is unacceptable.

OP, can you and your DH agree on what the house rules are? And how they'll be enforced? Because reading your OP and especially your subsequent posts, it seems to me that the real problem is not these extra days with your DSD - but the fact that everyday life with your DSD is not good. She's allowed to come to the home and act as she pleases with no responsibilities and you are afraid to call her up on things.

Forget about the chilliness and the lack of conversation...that's beyond your ability to address, I think. What you can insist on is that house rules are followed, and that she contribute to the household in appropriate ways, and that she doesn't make things difficult - practically, I mean, not emotionally - for you or others in the house. At 15, she can make her own meals and clean up afterwards. As a minor in your home, she can cheerfully comply with reasonable requests from you as the Lady of the House, like "could you put the hoover around, please?", or "after this programme, I'm going to kick you off the telly; there's a show I've been planning to watch", or (one of my bugbears!), "could you clear off and give us a bit of privacy now please; my friend and I are just going to have a bit of a chat. thanks, pet."

You have to feel that you can come and go - or not - as you please, and you can't let any teenager (your own or not) control your mood and your actions, or you will end up drowning in a sea of depression and anxiety.

Your DH is not around because he is at work and you are a SAHM - is that right? In that case you have no reason to complain about his daughter coming when "he's not around". It is her father's home and she should be able to come and stay. I would set some ground rules though - she can sleep in until 10 (for example) but then you need use of the room. Perhaps by spending some time together you can get past this awkward relationship?

StillSlightlyCrumpled...it is going off topic a little but FYI my SD's mum works in a school kitchen ie she has a holiday every 6 weeks or so. They go to their caravan most school hols for at least a week and caravan is question is one of those massive stationary types oh...and she is more than happy for her dd to do whatever she likes - so its no hardship for either her mum or my sd that they are away. The reason my sd wants to come back here is simply because she can. She has a nice few days away with the freinds she has there and then comes back here to have more good times with her friends here. In fact I'M the one who doesnt have a break...I have my own children to look after 24/7 and and then we have my sc's every week for dinner and every other weekend.

My point was that my dh isnt here and I am. She isnt a bad kid but I just feel like she is not my responsibilty and despite her age I am in charge of the house and the children in my care. I run my home how I feel is right and, as I cant treat my sd how I would treat my own teen, it is strained,uncomfortable and awkward. She does do things that she knows drives my mad (texting while eating at the table anyone?) and, to be honest, I dont care if some people consider that to be "normal teenage" behaviour - everyone has rules in their homes and rules and boundaries are key to a childs development. My 15 year old son would happily lie on the sofa all day watching tv but its not going to happen and he knows that. He sleeps in a bit he goes to the gym he offers to do jobs....he works as part of the family. My sd would look at me as if I had lost my little mind if I asked her to do anything around the house.

Sleepy, I was referring to all the comments about the possibility of a really badly behaved teenager, and therefore the mother needing a break, not specifically to your situation.

I get it, I really do. I have my own younger children, and three step children. It is really, really hard work, I used to get stressed just at the amount of extra shoes at materialised in my hallway, let alone at the people wearing them.

That doesn't change my opinion that your husbands child should always be welcome in your home. If he was working away and not coming home in the evening then that is different and entirely dependant upon a good relationship with you. I would want him home on time and use the evenings to do whatever I pleased.

But everyone and every family is different. As you say different families have different rules and I guess I was lucky that similar rules applied at ours and at their mums, so a mention of speaking to their mum was a sure fire way to make them tidy up, get up etc. Perhaps that is where the difference lies.

If the mother deserves a break, it shouldn?t be the step mum who gives her that break! Jesus Christ. If DSD?s mum wants a break then she?ll have to wait til DP is available.

Yes ? that?s exactly the point.

Now I'm going to assume the DH isn't there as he's supporting two families.

Should he go part time to be more available?

I'm trying to imagine not being welcome in my Dad's house, now that could really screw you up.

I'm trying to imagine not being welcome in my Dad's house, now that could really screw you up.

No more so than being 'Disney parented' and not being given boundaries or a realistic expectation of adult life.

Teen DCs who are pandered to, not expected to contribute to the running of a household and have a parent wait on them hand and foot usually have a tough time in house share or when they move in with a partner of their own - and often find themselves isolated or alone because they expect the same treatment.

In the OPs case, her DSD would be more welcome if Dad was there too - surely it's not the job of a SM to create the environmemt in which DSC feel welcome?

I agree Maryz. It really isn't worth all the bad feeling just because she is lazy and a bit.....well teenagerish.

I have not been a teenager for a very long time, but I still remember the resentment I felt because my stepfather insisted that I be up in the morning on weekends because of some sort of moral imperative that sleeping in was slothful.

I was a stepchild and am a stepmother. I think that one of the challenges is definitely the bridging of different cultures in the households. Compromise and tolerance are needed. Picking one's battles very carefully is key.

Because of my own experience as a child and teen, I never wanted DH to be the position of having to check with me about whether his children (whom I now consider my children as well) could come to his (our) home. He could always give an unqualified "yes," as my own father was able to do.

Whether you're part of a step family or a 'together' family, staying in bed til after lunch on a regular basis is VERY slothful!

Totally agree with Maryz.