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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Sd's here when their dad is not... I can't deal with it

214 replies

Sleepyk · 28/05/2013 19:58

My husband has agreed (not for the first time) that his eldest daughter (15) can come
and stay while their mum is on holiday... Problem is I don't want her here. It's a terrible thing to say but we have a very distant relationship whereby I ask her how she is ...she answers, I ask her how School is ...she answers, but if I don't speak she doesn't say a wordk. . I always feel so awkward Around her when we are alone. She will happily sleep till 2 in the afternoon(in my daughters bedroom) and spends the rest of the time glued to her phone (I would not allow my children to do either). It's all so strained.

My problem is my husband will be at work all day so it's me and my sd..... I just don't know how to approach the subject with my husband with making it sound as if I am some wicked step mum! Am I being childish ?

OP posts:
Petal02 · 30/05/2013 20:34

It never entered my head to be a slothful teenager, although my parents were busy, active people, so it probably wouldn't have been tolerated. Just out of interest, do step children need more sleep than children in 'together' families?

TheFallenNinja · 30/05/2013 20:36

If your looking to liven things up you cud always open with "I hear your mums a bit crap" that should break the ice.

Maryz · 30/05/2013 20:37

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StillSlightlyCrumpled · 30/05/2013 20:45

In terms of how much of a pain teenagers can be, I will be grateful if the worst mine are at that age is lazy.

As I said earlier my step sons are older now, though the youngest is still only 17, and I am so pleased that I put the effort in. My DH would always talk to me about when his children would be here, but it's always been an open door to them. Still is now the older two are adults. Oh and they are all very fit and active.

I just used to tell myself that they wouldn't always be (insert PITA age) but they would always remember what is was like at Dads.
I do think it was my responsibility to help DH make them feel welcome. Absolutely.

brdgrl · 30/05/2013 20:49

Clearly some people think that it is OK for the teens in a household to sleep until two PM and some don't...Point is, it's for the OP and her DH to decide together, in their household.

I wouldn't allow it with my own DD, because I happen to believe that it is not particularly healthy or conducive to a good attitude more generally.

I do see a difference between having a lie-in on a weekend morning in an otherwise active and productive life, and spending most of every non-school day doing absolutely nothing.

But I've found that it is easier to focus on the consequences of the behaviour than to try to change this one - so if DSS sleeps too late to walk the dog on the days he is supposed to, he loses his pocket money. If he sleeps in and the rest of us have a lovely brunch, I don't wake him up and offer it to him anymore, he just misses out. And I certainly don't try to keep the volume down after about 10 AM!

Original poster
Sleepyk · 30/05/2013 20:53

Geeze.... There are a lot of assumptions being made about things that are totally off topic. If people read the original post it might help. I do make her welcome... she just doesnt respond. Just to clarify- my sd doesn't know I feel like this and She is here happily texting away on her phone if she was not made to feel welcome then, as someone has pointed out, why would she choose to come here at all ( as it was her choice). ... Of course I always make her feel welcome. In the same respect My son is a perfectly happy young man- if he was not ...he would tell me so - it really is that simple. We are talking about 15 year olds nearly 16 in fact- young adults- not a 3 year old who has had a busy day at the park and need a nap and a bottle of milk . I'm simply not the sort of person who Molly coddles her children and lets them do exactly as they want, when they want to simply because I can't deal with the agro of having to deal with the backlash that a teen can give. Just because they are teenagers doesnt mean they can just do what they want to.

My original post was wether, under the circumstances, I was weird for feeling unhappy about the prospect of the impending week.

OP posts:
StillSlightlyCrumpled · 30/05/2013 20:53

God no, I never keep the noise down. If we want DSS up out of bed, we send in the best alarm in the form of a three year old! Works every time Grin.

Maryz · 30/05/2013 21:03

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SconeRhymesWithGone · 30/05/2013 21:10

Ah, the toddler alarm. I was allowed to sleep as late as I pleased at my dad and step-mother's house, but my little sister toddling in and whispering loudly, "Will you play with me?" got me up (eventually) every time. Smile

Original poster
Sleepyk · 30/05/2013 21:16

Firstly Its not her dads house it is our house and... Indeed it would be easier just to kick back and have another tea but everyone is different. If my husband is here my sd chats away happily to him... I only get one word responses. It's awkward. Simple.

OP posts:
Maryz · 30/05/2013 21:18

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Liara · 30/05/2013 21:30

Why can't she stay at her mother's house even if her mother is away? She can then come and visit when her father is around.

I say this as someone who was a step child all her life. It would never have occurred to me to go to my father's when he wasn't there, nor would I have expected to be welcomed.

Petal02 · 30/05/2013 22:18

Liara, I totally agree with your second paragraph.

SconeRhymesWithGone · 30/05/2013 22:30

But her dad will be there, just not during the day. He will be at work. Surely, it is not reasonable to expect her to go to what she should be able to consider a second home only when her father is off work.

Maryz · 30/05/2013 22:34

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brdgrl · 30/05/2013 23:00

Exactly - and yet its reasonable to think that the same 15 year old can be left to her own devices every afternoon with no supervision?
No of course not - because the OP is expected to provide supervision, no matter how much some posters want to pretend that the whole situation is nothing to do with her and requires no effort on her part.

When my DH is not here, and I am, it is true that I do not have to change DSS's nappies, keep him away from electrical outlets, or even fix his lunch (although I've told at least once on MN that if I truly cared about him, I would fix all his meals!). But at those times, whether it is an afternoon or a week...I AM responsible for him, in every legal and practical sense of the word...I am the one who sees if he comes home from school; who knows if he?s under the influence of anything; who he comes to when the internet stops working:and I?m here in case of an emergency. And yeah, I clean up after him in small ways, or nag at him to get it done himself. I remind him about his chores. And I put aside my work when he does want to talk. Just like his own mum would, I suppose.

On days when I am out at work and so is DH, of course he is at home alone for periods of time ? but we know DSS well enough, and he?s made enough bad choices lately, that we keep those as short as possible.

If it were me in the OP?s shoes, and it were my DSS were coming here, I would absolutely have more work to do and more responsibilities as a result, so I know it isn?t as simple as ?she?s 15, you won?t have to do a thing!? Nor should it be, frankly. We're talking about a kid.

Maryz · 30/05/2013 23:15

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brdgrl · 30/05/2013 23:29

15 year olds don't need "supervision" during the day. They do at night, and her dad is there to do that if the op doesn't want to.

In that case, the above suggestion - that the girl be at the mum's home during the day - seems like a good one, doesn't it?

(Although I'm really not sure on what grounds you can definitively declare that a 15 year old needs supervision at night but not during the day...)

As it happens, I've been told (in regards to my alleged lack of care for my own DSS) that in fact 15 year olds do need supervision during the day - but that's another example of 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' ...

brdgrl · 30/05/2013 23:32

And as I thought I'd said above - my DSS does need a certain level of 'supervision' (as I defined it above) during the day. If your's does not need any interaction with adults, then that's marvelous for you.

More to the point, OP, if you are an adult in the home and a 15 year old is present and something goes wrong - then you are certainly going to be held accountable.

brdgrl · 30/05/2013 23:33

It would be unwise of the OP to pretend that she has no supervisory role, whilst a teenager is in her home. She does, by virtue of being there, and her DH has put her in that position.

Maryz · 30/05/2013 23:37

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SconeRhymesWithGone · 30/05/2013 23:44

The real question here is: does the child have one home or two?

Exactly.

brdgrl · 30/05/2013 23:49

I think you have to accept that a teenager at home while the parents are at work, is a different thing than a teenager who is at home while an adult is in the house, where the adult is not granted any authority over the teen.

If I am away, whether at work or on holiday, and my DH decides to leave his kid at home alone, at whatever time of day or for any length of time, the kid still remains my DH's immediate responsibility. If something goes wrong, DH will have to sort it out and would, as well, be held liable for any consequences. If the kid needs anything he can't manage himself, he'll get in touch with DH for it, or do without

But if I am there, I am in loco parentis. I can hardly pretend not to see when the kid does something unsafe or illegal or damages something in the home. If something did happen, I'd also be the one who would be blamed - by the mum, by the legal system, by the parents of teen friends if they were involved, by the collective of mumsnet...

I've not said that the child should not be there - but I do think it is absurd to suggest, as some have, that the OP will not be affected by her presence or that she should not have any say in how the situation is managed.

I also object, on a separate point, to the inconsistency on these boards regarding the parenting of teenagers.

brdgrl · 30/05/2013 23:54

The real question here is: does the child have one home or two?

Actually, I think that's a bit silly. The real question is "does a child have responsibilities and obligations as well as privileges associated with his or her home-life?"

Too often, it seems that the 'second home' is expected to be a hotel, not a home, with all the 'normal' compromises and discomforts of home.

And finally...The child may have two homes. The OP has one, and she deserves to be respected within it.

SconeRhymesWithGone · 31/05/2013 00:06

brdgrl I hear what you are saying. I think the supervision issue is a valid one and depends on each family's circumstances (and the trustworthiness of the teens involved), but I also feel that it should, if at all possible, be resolved in a way that does not make the child feel unwelcome in her (other) home.