should a stepmum attend school events?

[dirtyprojectors]

DSD starts school next term. Her mum hates me . DP avoids his ex as much as he possibly can as their relationship is still dreadful and i can't see it ever improving. Contact had to be got through a court order. I've been with DP for almost 2 years, slowly got to know DSD over past 18 months and she now stays weekends so knows me well. I'm very restrained, haven't even done the mummy stuff like baking together yet as i'm so worried about her Mum kicking off and making DSD feel bad.
Should i ever go to any school events? My thought was some events like whole school plays might be ok as there will be so many people around but anything smaller is asking for trouble- at least at this early stage.

NADM - you are describing a highly dysfunctional blended family setup in your last post. Letting children express their feelings is a good thing in a well-functioning family.

What do you suggest, Bonsoir? How do you empower a child to ignore the feelings of a parent who fails to conceal their disappointment/hurt when a child expresses themselves honestly?

The parents need to function properly, NADM. This thread is not about empowering DCs - it's about getting parents to function properly together. That can often mean a hell of a lot of hard work by some or all of the parents (step and biological).

I think that this thread is clear evidence that separated parents often do not function properly together.
The OP says that her DP and his ex avoid each other, could not agree contact, and that the step-mum is hated by the DC's mum.

Within those limitations, decisions have to be taken about what is best for the DC's. If that means that one parent or step-parent accommodates the other parents unreasonableness in order to avoid further distress and anxiety to the DC's, then surely that is best.

when a DC, of any age, says that they want both their step-parents and parents at a particular event, what they are saying is that they want everyone to get along together. They are not saying, I know that there will be a scene but I want you all there anyway.

If what the DC wants (all the adults to get along) can't be delivered, then the parents must decide what the most suitable alternative is.

"If that means that one parent or step-parent accommodates the other parents unreasonableness in order to avoid further distress and anxiety to the DC's, then surely that is best."

I disagree very strongly. I do not believe in teaching children to accommodate unreasonable people. Avoid short-term distress for DCs by accommodating unreasonable behaviour sets them up for dysfunctional relationship patterns for their whole lives (both at home and elsewhere). If someone is being unreasonable, DCs need that explaining to them. If they suffer a little in the short term, that is for their long-term good mental health and functioning.

It is all very hard work. My DS's step mum has been in his life since he was 2 and I know she loves him very dearly. That reason alone helps me swallow my misgivings and anger when I feel she has over stepped the mark.

I have tried and battled hard not to let my feelings intrude on DS's relationship with her as I recognise she is a very important part of his live. I haven't always managed it.

To me, it's a journey. Eight years on I wouldn't flinch if she was at a school event like plays or assemblies. Parents' evenings I'm not so sure about but if DS wanted her there I suppose I would accept it.

I have to say though, if she had been at his first day of school it would have distressed me. I was already nervous, worried and excited. Adding his SM into the mix would have been too much. And I think DS would have picked up on that.

DS just wants us all to get along well.

Bonsoir- I agree. There is not reason DP and I should have to accomodate her unreasonableness and silly demands. It is her who
will be responsible if she causs trouble, makes dss feel uncomfortble etc. DP and I would never cause a scene as we are happy to all be there together. She has made many unreasonable requests, tried to tell us we weren't allowed to live together, that I wasn't allowed to look after dss without dp there, that I shouldn't read dss bedtime stories etc. All things that would be detrimental to my relationship with dss, would make our home less homely and comfortable and would be confusing for dss and my dd. As I said previously, I may not have given birth to him but I've been in his life since he was less than a year old and we all live together, so there's no reason why she should feel Im stepping on her toes taking him (alongside her and DP) to his first school day.

She's not being unreasonable on this issue, jabberjay. You should stay away. Seriously.

You say this is the first time you are 'taking a stand', but obviously that isn't true - you have clearly ignored her other demands. You do live with your partner, you do read the bedtime stories, and by your own accounts you do quite a bit more than that. So you have taken a stand on ALL these other points. OK, but now she is asking for something quite reasonable, and you refuse to bend.

ANd you have choices - there is plenty you can do to participate in his first day without upsetting the mother. You have him all night before and that morning. You could do something special at home. You can drive along and then say your goodbyes at the car.

I'm sorry, but you seem extremely selfish and is seems very very clear that you are using this to score points. If you care as much about DSS as you say, you would be able to see that.

Exotic, even if we agree to disagree on the age at which children can make these calls - jabberjay's DSS is 4. And there is backstory. Plenty of backstory, I have a feeling...

MissAnnersley. Do you mind if I ask you a question? You say your dss's step mum has been in his life since he was two years old. So it seems you are in a similar position to my dss's mum. Do you feel that you should be ableto dictate what happens when your ds is with your ex and his stepmum? More importantly, You say you know she loves him dearly, what things does she do that you refer to as "over step the mark"? Thanks, JJ.

Bonsoir We will have to agree to disagree.

I do not believe that the damage to DC's when they witness hostility between their parents and step-parents is either short-term or minor.

It can lead to significant emotional distress and loyalty conflict - which only damages the DC's relationship with their parents and step-parents in the long term.

Both DP and I have difficult ex's - and we take the high road, accommodating their unreasonableness when the DC's would otherwise be placed in distressing situations.
Doing what is right only works when both parents are prepared or capable of doing so. I consider part of my role as a parent is to protect DD from her Dads limitations; just as I would if we were still together.

I have only skimmed this thread, but OP seems to me to be a loving step mum, which can only be beneficial to the child.

The birth Mum seems jealous and insecure. However, the way to fix things isn't to ride rough shod over her feelings. You are antaganising her for no real reason by insisting on being there. Your DSC won't be traumatised by you not being there, but will be if birth Mum creates a scene and upsets everyone. Why risk it just to prove a point. There are times to choose your battles and I don't think this is one of them.

Sometimes you have to take a step back. You didn't give birth to her child and although that doesn't make you less of a person, it does mean that you have to be gracious sometimes and accept that this little boy does have a Mum and you are not her.

I think that modelling the resolution of conflict (or hostilities) is absolutely vital for DCs (whether their parents are together or not). DP and I quite often disagree on things and we negotiate in front of the DCs because we want to show them that we can reach agreement when our starting positions are different.

Brdgrl- Fair enough, you're entitled to your opinion and I appreciate your time in sharing. Dp and I do not think she has the right to dictate that I should not attend. It was an instruction via email to DP- like most of her other demands trying to ensure I have mininmal to do with dss even though he lives with us in our home.

Yes there is a back story, doesn't everyone have a back story, a past,
past history and events. Nothing awful or terrible though. Never given her a reason to dislike me other then being with her ex and caring for and about her son. Total bitch me eh! It's been like this for years, we have tried to compromise even when her requests/demands are
daft and pointless all to keep the peace and stop her causing problems, but it doesn't work. So now we will do what's
best for dss, taking her opinions into consideration but being firm web the requests are unreasonable. I'm not asking to attend instead of her, would never do that, there is absolutely no reaosn why we can't all attend together.

there is absolutely no reaosn why we can't all attend together.

My exH says this to me all the time. He fails to consider for one moment my opinion - and whether I am capable and willing to put myself in that situation.

Just because you are happy and comfortable with the situation you propose, doesn't mean that everyone feels the same way - something that the "Putting Children First" course explains brilliantly using the Kubler-Ross change curve theory.

On the basis that the situation you want (for everyone to attend happily) can't be achieved because it doesn't depend on just yourselves - it is then your choice as to whether you continue with your origional decision, or whether you review and adapt your position in order to best meet the needs of the DC's. Do you really believe that it is in the DC's best interests for you to be there, even though there will be tension and unhappiness? Really?

I think that modelling the resolution of conflict (or hostilities) is absolutely vital for DCs (whether their parents are together or not).

I agree - when the model is a positive one and something you wish your DC's to emulate.

But when one party can't or won't adopt positive methods of conflict resolution, and chooses to display behaviour that your would prefer the DC's avoided - why would you deliberately expose them to it?

JJ, no I don't do dictating. We disagree on a lot of issues, including parenting ones, which is part of the reason we are no longer together I suppose. My thoughts on this have always been that he has an equal say in these matters. Most of the time there is no resolution we just agree to differ.

Over stepping the mark - taking my DS round to my best friends house during his first week of school to show her his new uniform. Introducing him as her son when out and about. Offering my DS the occasional opinion on my parenting decisions. Refusing to 'believe' when DS has had health issues. They both do this.

However, we are none of us perfect and I have made mistakes too. I would never discuss any of these situations with my ex. In the main,we have both found that sharing our disquiet over the other one's decisions is not conducive to a peaceful life.

That post makes me sound quite laid back. I'm not. When I'm on my own I cry a lot with frustration and pent up anger.

As a result I have had depression for years now.

None of it is easy but the only thing that helps is thinking about DS being happy and enjoying his time with the people who love him.

It keeps me going but there are times I hate it, hate being reasonable, and want to have a good old rant.

I also think you are going to the first day to make a point, jabber jay, and I think you will be doing long term damage to your relationship with exwife. As time goes on and her little boy gets bigger she will feel more secure- but not if you are hanging round demanding equal rights.
Once again, I feel really relieved DS step mum is not like that, but I suppose a lot of it also comes down to the men. Exdh is perfectly capable of attending school events without 'support'.
I also think if you do go, you won't be doing yourself a favour with the other parents. If there is even a hint of a scene, sympathies will be with her.

I agree with Alurk. Totally.

NotADisneyMum - when the other party doesn't want to use positive models of conflict resolution, you refuse to negotiate a compromise with them. This happened to us a lot with DP's exW, who was used to making unilateral decisions that required a lot of people to do a lot of work for her benefit. We stopped doing the work. Yes, the DC "suffered" (marginally) for a while, but we explained why this was in everyone's interest and pretty quickly exW stopped her behaviour (once she had no-one to pick up all the pieces around her anymore).

Bonsoir- It seems pehaps you an I are/were in similar situations with DP's ex. She also makes her decision and expects it to be final- no regard to what DP wants and often no that'd to what dss may want (although he's still only little).

The way we see it is the new we give in to her demands and orders the more she will think it's aceeptable and the more she will do it. Hopefully, if she realizes she cannot control every aspect of dss's life and cannot control what DP and I do then she will calm down and ease off. That's the hope anyway! :)

I wouldn't rely on it, it doesn't always get better!

My DPs ex has learnt over time that DP won't 'do what he is told' and has reduced her demands and directions. Initially, she set all the usual 'rules' - I mustn't pick DSS up from school, I mustn't be in the car when DSS was picked up etc etc. On the whole, we went along with it in order to ensure that DSS didn't see his mum yelling and screaming at me, or refusing to let him leave with DP. But, when it came to issues like DPs contact with the school, and other issues that DSS wasn't directly involved in, DP made a stand and slowly, his ex has mellowed.

My ex, on the other hand, has never changed. I have regular 'debates' with myself as to whether it is better for DD to see her parents in face-to-face conflict, or whether I should protect her from that - and I still make the choice to avoid confrontation in front of her if I can. It is getting more difficult as she gets older - and they are now coming into direct conflict with one another

I make that choice too NotaDisneyMum. It's not an easy road to go down.

My friends and family get so angry and frustrated and think I'm 'giving in' when actually, unless you've been in this particular situation, you can have no idea how things can so easily escalate.

I've been thinking of applying to the UN given my skills in diplomacy and peace keeping!

I wouldn't be so afraid of confrontation/conflict, if I were you. It really doesn't harm DC nearly as much as popular opinion would have it to see one parent standing up to the other.

I'm not afraid of confrontation or conflict. I have simply learned it gets me absolutely nowhere.

I'm certainly not one to be swayed by popular opinion - but place a lot of confidence in professional opinion - after all, if I disregarded the opinion of professionals who were involved in my DDs life, what kind of parent would that make me?!?