should a stepmum attend school events?

[dirtyprojectors]

DSD starts school next term. Her mum hates me . DP avoids his ex as much as he possibly can as their relationship is still dreadful and i can't see it ever improving. Contact had to be got through a court order. I've been with DP for almost 2 years, slowly got to know DSD over past 18 months and she now stays weekends so knows me well. I'm very restrained, haven't even done the mummy stuff like baking together yet as i'm so worried about her Mum kicking off and making DSD feel bad.
Should i ever go to any school events? My thought was some events like whole school plays might be ok as there will be so many people around but anything smaller is asking for trouble- at least at this early stage.

I'm not a step parent and would hate a step parent to be involved with my children unless I got on with the step parent particularly well. But not to be involved in parents evening type things when progress is discussed. People often thing your SS is your child and you don't correct them. .

'think'

I use the term "mixed up" affectionately. I just mean we're not the standard mum, dad and two kids. Both our kids have different parents and we don't have any joint kids. I do see your point about reinforcing that the family isn't "abnormal". We have had lots of talk win the kids about stepfamilies and that there are all sorts of families in the world etc, they don't think we're odd!

Not sure why they don't correct people. I'm assuming they've got tired of explaining it ten times a day :) and it's sort of pointless and irrelevent to a stranger making a passing comment for example. It's no big deal, it's not like we going around pretending we're esome perfect little unit. Dss is blond hair blue eyes and my dd is dark brown hair and olive skin so look totally different.

They probably don't correct it because you don't!

This is one of those "lead by example" situations - if they know it's ok to say "that's my step-mum" or "that's jabberjay" then they are going to be more comfortable overall with the role you play and how it is different to their mum - especially if you are fulfilling the role of mum on a practical day-to-day basis - its a really good way of reinforcing the distinction between you and their mum to them

edam - as NADM said, there are many more ways of discouraging a healthy relationship with a new partner than badmouthing them in front of the children. Children are not stupid.

Gosh this is heated. I am a stepmum and DSS2 lives with us fulltime. He very occasionally sees his mother (at her request). Prizegiving tomorrow night. DH and I are going. She has informed us today that she now plans to go as he is receiving a prize (yes!) and that therefore I should give up my ticket. Whatever.

Well done dss2!

Ladydeedy- Isn't that difficult! How old is dss and who would he rather he had there are only two tickets?

When people mistake me for someone I am not, such as my DSCs' mum, I correct them. I think it is really bad form not to, and it sends a very confusing and totally inappropriate message to the kids. Sorry, but no wonder the mother is upset with you. You say you are always mindful of her feelings, but then you allow the kids to hear you called 'mummy' and say nothing.

It depends on the age of the child. If they are under 5 yrs I would correct it, in case they get confused-when they are older I would just ignore and leave it them.

Ooh, Notdisney mum, I am a step mum myself, I really didn't mean to sound like I was "reinforcing the social stereotype of step-mums as husband- and child-stealing whores" because thats not at all what I meant. And I agree some ex-wifes can be incredibly controlling about access. (This was our experience).
My DS has had two 'step-mums' since me and exdh split up. Within days of getting together with the first, I got a text from her saying she was hurt that she wasn't invited to DS birthday party (it was tea-party/family only). It went downhill from there.
The second step-mum, by contrast, has been fantastic. I can talk to her about anything and if I'm having trouble she will step in, but not without discussion. I just found this unhurried approach much better. Laid-back, not pushy, and leaving most things up to ex dh. DS is very fond of her and I am glad.

Even older kids need to hear that correction, I think - done with a light touch, maybe, but done. It's not about literally "confusing" the child, who unless very small indeed is not in much danger of mistaking anyone else for his/her mummy, but about the confusion generated when the child sees someone else make that mistake and not be corrected, and about letting the child see that you are happy to be the stepmother. It is also about preserving the child's sense of similarity and identification with the parent - something which is very important to kids, and not only small kids. It can be distressing to be identified as 'belonging to' the step-parent, even when relationships are quite good and strong. This is why it is also important to correct strangers who mis-identify adopted or mixed-race children - it is about seeing that the world sees us as we see ourselves - "that is my mummy" is a big part of "that is who i am". IMHO.

I totally disagree about correcting all the time, I've discussed a few times with dss and he says he can't be bothered to correct strangers. With anyone we see socially I am quiick to get the stepmum label so all is clear. Me and dss generally raise eyebrows if someone in a shop gets it wrong but who cares? We know what's what.

I don't see the need to tell complete strangers our circumstances. When my DS was small and people mentioned 'Daddy' I would always say that his father was dead because I didn't want him confused. After about 4 yrs I left it to him because he understood and generally he said 'my daddy is dead'-but it didn't really matter-why should we need to tell complete strangers.
He calls his stepfather by his first name which is a big clue. Anyone who knows us understands the circumstances-I don't see why complete strangers need to understand-if you are never going to see them again.

he says he can't be bothered to correct strangers.

I see his point entirely-why on earth would he be bothered? It is boring.

Complete strangers don't care or need to understand. That is really not the point.

It is the point as far as I'm concerned-who cares what they think? And why can it possibly matter?

I think anyone who thinks its a good idea as a step-parent to turn up at the child's first day of school is very very wrong. It's a very emotional day for a parent and it's simply not right for anyone to barge in on this.

I think that any DCs first day at school needs to be low key as possible and the mother should do it alone and everyone else leave her to it (unless she is working and someone else has to do it).

Exoticfruits- Why the mother not the father? My DP wouldn't miss it for the world.

When people used to assume DH wasDS'sdad DS used to look horrified and say "he's not my dad" (they actually get on v well!) .
Now he's older he doesn't bother correcting strangers.

jabber because that's the "socially acceptable" thing to do - it may not be fair or even right, but as I see it, your DP has several choices:

Take his DS to school by himself, regardless of his ex's wish to be involved

Involve you and your DD in his sons first day as well

Swallow his pride and negotiate with his ex so that they are both there

Concede that the social 'norm' is that mums take their DCs to their first day and allow her to do this with her baby - something she had imagined frequently since the day he was born.

My ex sounds exactly like your DP - incredibly committed to his DCs and determined to share equally in their lives. To be honest, at 4 years old, the DCs probably won't mind too much, but as they get older, they will be faced with the questions "where's your mum?" and "why is your dad here?"
In some ways I admire your DPs ex for standing up to him even if she is going about it in a confrontational way - I wish I had stepped in, it would have avoided DD getting to the level of unhappiness she is now

I'll be joining DP to take DSS on his first day of school...his biomum will be out of the country visiting her boyfriend.

And no, when complete strangers mistake me for DSS's biomum we don't bother to correct them - primarily because we can't be bothered and our personal family dynamics aren't really their business.

Exoticfruits- Why the mother not the father? My DP wouldn't miss it for the world.

I just hate the whole thing-I have only seen it happen in the last few years where the poor child has this 'huge event' of the first day. It would have terrified me as a 5 yr old! I would keep it very low key and normal.

As with the food sample I would just leave it to dsd-unless she was under 5 yrs- it is unimportant. If I am out with my nephew and people mistake me for mother I really couldn't be bothered-if it bothers the nephew he can say so. There is no reason to explain things to complete strangers that you will never see again.