should a stepmum attend school events?

[dirtyprojectors]

DSD starts school next term. Her mum hates me . DP avoids his ex as much as he possibly can as their relationship is still dreadful and i can't see it ever improving. Contact had to be got through a court order. I've been with DP for almost 2 years, slowly got to know DSD over past 18 months and she now stays weekends so knows me well. I'm very restrained, haven't even done the mummy stuff like baking together yet as i'm so worried about her Mum kicking off and making DSD feel bad.
Should i ever go to any school events? My thought was some events like whole school plays might be ok as there will be so many people around but anything smaller is asking for trouble- at least at this early stage.

I think it sounds loopy to constantly correct tho, I used to feel really weird telling people stuff they couldn't give a crap about. Especially when the odd person would then say 'is his real mum dead then?' and it would just get very drawn out and wincey.

I hugely take issue with the idea first day at school is more for mums than dads, massively sexist comment imo.

The first day at school is for whoever normally takes the DC-there is no need to make it 'an event'.

The woman handing out food samples couldn't care less if you are mother or not-I can't see the point in bothering to correct her.

blue you're right - it is sexist -but the assumption that Mum is the primary parent, particularly when it comes to school stuff, is still very prevalent.

I don't disagree that it should be challenged - yes, it should, and i have support my ex in doing so for years. But now it is at the expense of my DDs happiness. I would rather accept the discrimination than force DD into accepting something that makes her wince with embarrassment on the basis of a principle .

I wasn't assuming the sex of the parent taking the DC to school-just saying you only need the one-which one is immaterial.

The woman handing out food samples couldn't care less if you are mother or not-I can't see the point in bothering to correct her.
No, the strangers don't care!! As I have already said, that's not the point. The children and their parents may care - as lots of the posts on here indicate, and children will not always demonstrate their anxieties. It is not the step-parent's place to decide that they don't or shouldn't care. It is the step-parent's place to do right by the children by respecting their relationships with their parents. There are psychological needs being ignored when one habitually undermines the status of a parent. If you're not doing that, great, you've nothing to worry about. But then, I was responding to jabberjay's post indicating that even though the mother of the small child is involved and present, and even though there are on-going issues about the 'mothering' of the child, jabberjay and her partner choose not to correct people in front of the kids, and the kids themselves have "given up" on correcting. Sigh.

Brdgrl, I can see you mean well but whenever adults are very dogmatic with children they risk missing what children think. My dss has said exceedingly clearly that he doesn't want to correct strangers. He knows I respect his mum, he knows every person I meet socially is told about his parentage, but if I followed your approach he would be really uncomfortable. If I felt I needed to correct the bus driver in order to show 'respect' then I'd be really worried.

Brdgrl, I can see you mean well but whenever adults are very dogmatic with children they risk missing what children think.
Goodness, how condescending, littlebluechair.

There are psychological needs being ignored when one habitually undermines the status of a parent. If you're not doing that, great, you've nothing to worry about.

I would just leave it to the child, the adults don't matter.

Agreed. Be guided by the children. I spend a lot of time with children who aren't mine, and they are usually very quick to put people right if they assume they are mine!

It's actually (i think) about parents seething with resentment rather than children seething with insecurities.

Seeker- In my case it's definitely the case. Dss and my dd don't care if me or DP is mistaken for their parent, they know who their parents are as both have active roles in their lives. They are not confused or insecure (as far as I'm aware).

DP ex believes that because Dss is HER child she can dictate to DP what where when and how. She can't. We've only just started to realise however much we try and make her happy we won't. So DP
is no longer going to give in to her silly demands and unreasonable behaviour. She has no right to "ban" me from DSS's first day at school. It's only dropping him off, waves, cuddles and goodbyes and smiles. Why shouldn't it be something that all 3 adults that are involved im his daily life and the 3 adults who have jointly raised him, get to see and have memories of, I'm very proud of him too. She is insecure and tries to pretend I don't exist. Which is sad.

No is suggesting pretending to someone you will see more than once! But if the bus driver says 'give the change to your mum' its just gauche to announce 'I'm not his mum I'm his stepmum' - that's just weird.

My stepson doesn't feel like I'm taking anything from his mum because I'm not taking anything from his mum, and that's the same whether the occasional stranger assumes I'm mum or not. I think its important not to push your hang ups onto the kids.

Jabberjay you are very wrong to want to barge into your stepchilds first day to prove a point.

You may say its because of this, that or the other that you want to attend, but your last post makes it clear that the real reason is to show the mother that she can't be 'unreasonable'. Well in this case, it's most definitely you being unreasonable. Barging in, in this case would be unforgiveable imo

Not at all allnewtaketwo. It's not to "prove" a point. It's just the first time DP has really said that we are going to not give in to one of her unreasonable demands. In the past we have just gone along with what she wants to try and keep the peace, keep some civility and we hoped she would in turn begin to be reasonable. But no, if anything it's got worse. DP has emailed her and told her that I will be coming. That dss wants us all there and that we all want to be there so let's just do that and not be arseholes to each other.

I'm not "barging" in. I'm a huge part of dss's life and have been for years now. I do as much if not more for him than his mother does and I have helped raise him. I may not have given birth to him but that doesn't mean I don't want to share special moments with him when they can easily be shared alongside, not instead of, my DP and dss's mum!

I'd like to think that I would be pleased that someone cared about my child so much that they wanted to be involved in every aspect of their lives.

It depends how new the stepmother is and how well all parties get on, if it is going to stir up trouble then i would say no.
For someone to care for their stepkids so much they want to watch their play, i think is pretty admiral

If the child is under 5 years I would point it out, for the reason put forward by needsaholiday, over 5 yrs the child can do it.
Of course you would tell your hairdresser, you see them regularly! You wouldn't tell a one off person like the food samples woman-there is no need to tell the entire world something they are not remotely interested in. I agree with littlebluechair- it is gauche.

I had the opposite with my DS, I met DH and after a while we took DS out for lunch. DS was 6 yrs and as DH went to the bar he said 'everyone will think he is my Dad' - I said 'would you like them to think that?' and he said 'yes'. Which is why I said 'leave it to the child,the adults don't matter' - who cares apart from the child?

You would hope that your DCs had a step mother who wanted to be involved- how horrible to have a woman who has no interest or would want to go to her own children's play but not her step children's play. Very sad.

jabber- I'm not sure that I understand.

If you go along to your DSS first day, there will be, at best, tension between the adults, or at worst, an almighty scene, either of which will affect your DSS, your DD and possibly other children as well.

There are three adults involved, any of whom can make a choice that would avoid that happening. Your DPs ex could choose to accept your presence, your DP could ask you not to go along or you could choose to step back and stay away. You and your DP have decided not to make a decision that will prevent upset for the DCs but you expect your DPs ex to do so.

And yet, you consider yourself a 'second mum' to DSS, say that you have raised him, are committed to him and love him like your own?
I don't understand why you wouldn't do everything you can to avoid causing him distress/anxiety/upset if that is the case?

It's not a state of mind I can relate to at all - I certainly don't have the same level of emotional attachment to my DSS, and yet my primary consideration when making any decision is how he will be affected by my decision. I can't control or influence how his mum behaves, but if I can make choices that avoid negative experiences for DSS, then I would always do that.

The first day at school is easy- just leave it to the mum and stay away- it is a non issue.

As a rule of thumb, SMs shouldn't step on their DSCs' mother's toes. Their DSCs won't love them for it.

Another reason to leave it to the DSC and let them take the lead-once they are past an age of possible confusion.

The problem with letting older children take the lead is that they often begin to consider, accommodate and take responsibility for their parents (and sometimes their step-parents) emotions.

If a DC knows that their parent wants the step-parent at an event or activity, then many DC's will concede or invite the step-parent in order to keep their parent happy, despite the fact that they would prefer the step-parent not to be be there. The thought of upsetting their parent, and dealing with that, is worse that putting up with having the step-parent there.

Depending on the personality of the DC, their confidence and the level of pressure (covert or otherwise) put on them to consider their parents feelings, they may go through their later childhood and teenage years with resentment and unhappiness building inside them.

Jabber

"She is insecure and tries to pretend I don't exist. Which is sad."

I think its you thats insecure, and feels the need to stamp your presence on you DSS.

Please reconsider, it really isnt your place to be there if a parent doesnt want you to. This isnt the time and place to make what you consider a stand. No matter how much you love your DSS you are not his mum.

NADM - you are describing a highly dysfunctional blended family setup in your last post. Letting children express their feelings is a good thing in a well-functioning family.